Savor the Moment

by Dana Piccoli

  She had tried calling and texting Maddy all the way to the airport, but there was no response. Paul and Jackie, who it seemed never stopped talking, were uncharacteristically quiet as the trio sat at the gate. Paul had apologized for not telling Nat that Maddy was going to be there, but he couldn’t have anticipated how the night would play out. Nat knew it was no one’s fault but her own. And Melissa’s. But she should have told Melissa to leave right away. She could have stepped away when Melissa leaned closer. Coulda woulda shoulda. Now Maddy, the girl that made her heart sing harmony, had run away from her. The thought of causing Maddy pain made her wince in her seat. Paul must have seen her reaction because he slipped off his headphones and reached over and put his warm hand on her forearm.

  “It’s going to be okay. She’ll come around. That girl loves you like crazy.”

  The kindness of his words broke the dam of emotion welling inside her since she watched Maddy leave. Fat, hot tears fell out of her eyes and onto the blank notebook paper that sat untouched in front of her on the fold-out tray.

  “But… What if she doesn’t. What if she hates me now? Pauley, what if I lost her?” She choked back a new flood of tears, trying to keep her voice down and not disturb the slumbering passengers.

  “Give her a little space,” he whispered.

  “I’m flying to fucking Jolly Old England right now! I think that’s enough space,” she whispered back, frustration straining in her words.

  He pursed his lips. “I don’t mean literal space. Metaphorical space, Chambers.”

  She narrowed her teary eyes at him.

  “Sorry, I shouldn’t kick a girl when she’s down. She’s hurt. She feels foolish. Give her some time to think about things. Calling her drunk and sad from Düsseldorf or some shit like that…”

  “Düsseldorf?”

  “I did not look at the itinerary. I like to live spontaneously. Whatever. You are missing my point.”

  “And that would be?”

  He pointed to the notebook in front of her. “That you need to pour everything you want to say to Maddy on that piece of paper like the goddamn lesbian singer/songwriter you are. Use it, Nat. The pain you’re feeling will be your symphony. Put it there. Not into endless and embarrassing text messages and voice mails. Give Maddy the space to remember why she was so crazy about you in the first place.”

  With that, he poked her tray for emphasis, slipped his headphones back on, and turned his attention back to the screen. She pulled out the pen that was stuck in the notepad’s spiral binding, took a deep breath, wiped her eyes, and started to write.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  It was in Berlin, not Düsseldorf, where the band ended the tour three weeks later, and where Nat pulled up a seat at a dark bar that smelled of tobacco and weed but somehow suited her mood. She’d had no response from Maddy, but as Paul had advised, she’d given her space, as much as it just tightened the knot in her gut.

  Their shows in London, Amsterdam and Barcelona had gone off all right. They were in no way her best performances, with her throat often dry from crying and too much whiskey, but the audiences had been forgiving, and their energy helped get her through. If anything good came out of her separation from Maddy, it was that she was writing. A lot. She’d already filled a notebook with new lyrics and chords and slipped into this Berlin bar to write some more and have a beer. Paul and Jackie had expressed concern about her boozing that week, so she was trying to take it easy. One thing she knew: she wouldn’t find forgiveness at the bottom of a whiskey glass. She was scribbling away when she felt someone standing in front of her.

  “Möchtest du was trinken?” asked the bartender, who had a short blond bob and blood red lipstick pulled across a sexy smile. She looked up and under different circumstances, she’d do some flirting, but all she could think about was Maddy.

  “Ein bier, bitte. Whatever you recommend.” The bartender nodded and pulled on the tap. She slid the mug over to Nat, who took it in her eager hands. She took a long slug of the bitter, skunky ale and continued her writing. Soon she felt the stool next to her swivel, and the familiar form of Paul sat down beside her. He pointed to her beer and motioned to the bartender that he’d like one of the same. They sat in silence for a bit, sipping their beers, enjoying the anonymity of the quiet bar, which was interrupted when his cell phone buzzed, and his face lit up at the text. She realized in that moment that she was so absorbed in her own drama, she hadn’t really checked in with her bandmates.

  “That’s some smile,” Nat observed.

  “Yeah, well…” He blushed, something she could never recall him doing before when it came to a guy.

  “Whoa. Wait. Are you into someone?”

  He sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe. Yes.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “That night we played with Redfern. I met this guy named Ryder, and well, he’s really great. He’s smart and funny, and I don’t know what to do because I’m an asshole and he’s kind of perfect.”

  She couldn’t help but laugh. “But you are a lovable asshole! So, this Ryder, he was the cute guy I saw you with that night?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, he’s so fucking dreamy.”

  She nodded. “From what I remember, dreamboat city.”

  He took a sip of his beer. “He transitioned a few years ago and has been working at a nonprofit ever since.” He paused, waiting for Nat to respond.

  “Yeah?”

  “I mean, he’s super out and everything. He would be okay with me telling you. He’s a big activist for LGBTQ rights.”

  “He sounds pretty spectacular.”

  He got a far-off look in his eye. “Yeah, he is. He’s just so kind and sexy. When we’re lying in bed afterward, I don’t want to leave. I want to cuddle up in his arms, trace his tattoos with my fingers, and never let him go.”

  She felt a lump form in her throat. He was in love and he didn’t even realize it yet.

  “Well,” she said, raising her glass. “I can’t wait to officially meet Ryder when we get back and give him a big squeeze.” This made Paul smile. “I’m sorry.”

  He cocked his head. “For what, Chambers?”

  “For being a shitty friend these last couple weeks. I’m sorry I was so caught up in my own heartache that I didn’t notice you were happy. I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could share your happiness with me.”

  He reached over and put his arm around her shoulders. “You are my family, Nat. You’re the only person I’ve ever really let my guard down with. You were going through something pretty fucking terrible, and it’s okay. That’s what I’m here for. I’m your bear.Your big gay, Korean bear.”

  With this, she burst out laughing, for the first time in weeks. It felt so damn good.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  It was eight thirty a.m. Paris time when Nat stood above her slumbering bandmates and cleared her throat. Loudly. The band had played a sold-out show in the Marias neighborhood the night before, and she was actually starting to feel a little spark of herself again. They were set to depart back home that night, but before they left, she needed to do something and she wanted Jackie and Paul to join her.

  When the throat clearing didn’t work, she gently nudged the pair who had fallen asleep together in Paul’s bed, sweetly snoring and wearing their clothes from the night before. Jackie stirred, blinking her chocolate brown eyes at Nat with their long, enviable lashes.

  “Good god, Nat, what bloody time is it?” Jackie asked, her voice groggy with sleep.

  “It’s eight thirty.”

  “That’s obscene,” Jackie said with a sneer.

  “I know, but I need your and Sleeping Beauty’s help on something today. Can you wake him?”

  Jackie sighed and rolled over to face Paul, who had a small puddle of drool forming on his pillow. “Paul. Pauley.” Jackie gently pushed his shoulder. “Paul darling, they have croissants and mar-i-jua-na downstairs, for free.”

  He snorted and looked around the room. �
��What? Where? Hi, Nat.”

  “Bon matin, Paul.”

  He picked up his phone to look at the time. “I swear to Liza, someone better be dead if you are trying to wake us up this early, Chambers.”

  She sat on the bed as Jackie and Paul lazily wiped sleep from their eyes. “So, I need your help today. I need to find a patisserie in the 10th arrondissement.”

  “Um, there’s a bakery, like, right downstairs,” Paul said.

  Jackie looked at her thoughtfully. “You want to find Maddy’s patisserie, don’t you?”

  She nodded.

  “Maddy’s patisserie?” Paul asked.

  Jackie huffed and looked at him. “Don’t you pay attention, you knob? It’s where Maddy learned how to bake! She lived with this older couple and he taught her before she went to culinary school.”

  “How do you even know that?” he asked.

  “Because I’m a woman and I’m thoughtful,” she said with a wink. “I don’t recall the name, though.”

  “That’s the problem. She never told me the name. All I know is it’s in the 10th arrondissement and it has a living quarters above it.”

  He picked up his vape and took a long drag. “Well, shit, there’s got to be dozens of patis…patisis…”

  “Patisseries,” Nat and Jackie said in unison.

  “Right, there have to be dozens.”

  “Well, I’ve narrowed it down to eight,” Nat said. “If we get moving, we can hit them all.”

  “What is the endgame here, Nat?” Paul asked.

  “Honestly, I don’t really have one. I just want to see the place that helped make Maddy who she is. Even if I never see her again, I want to understand her.”

  Jackie swooned. “Goddamn, that’s romantic.”

  Paul nodded in agreement. “Let me find my pants.”

  After walking the streets of Paris for a few hours, Nat, Jackie and Paul stood in front of a quaint storefront with a second story. The hand painted sign said Le Patisserie de Carm, and as soon as Nat stood in front of it, she knew this was the right place. The upstairs featured a window with a small balcony. She could picture Maddy sitting at the window and dreaming away.

  “This is it,” Nat said.

  “How do you know?” Paul asked.

  “I just do.”

  They pushed through the heavy door into the shop, its small bell chiming, and they were immediately hit with the smell of fresh baked baguettes and buttery croissants. It was the smell that had captured Maddy’s senses when she’d first moved here. Nat breathed it in as much as she could.

  “Bonjour,” a voice called. A man who appeared to be in his sixties emerged from the backroom. “Puis je t’aider?”

  “Bonjour,” Nat said. “Excusez moi, parlez-vous anglais?”

  The man nodded. “Oui. How can I help you?”

  Her heart was in her throat. “Um, did you have an apprentice named Maddy LaDuke?”

  A broad smile broke out on his face. “Oui, Madeline!”

  Paul let out a sigh of relief while Jackie was transfixed by the pastry case.

  “That’s wonderful. We know Madeline. We’re…friends of hers in New York.”

  “Ah, ma petite Madeline,” he said. “You know, I taught her everything I know. But she is something special, no? Didn’t take her long until she was surpassing me. A lesser man would be jealous, but no, not me. I am proud.” She could tell by the way he beamed that he was indeed.

  “I’m Nat, and this is Paul and Jackie.”

  “Je suis Philipe Bouchard. My wife Carm is out right now, but she would have loved to meet friends of Madeline’s. Come, see,” Phillipe said as he brought them over to a picture hanging on their wall. There was a fresh-faced Maddy, a white chef’s cap sitting atop her shorter, cropped hair. She was being hugged by Phillipe and Carm, and her face was full of joy.

  Tears welled in Nat’s eyes as Phillipe continued. “We speak to Madeline every Christmas day. She is always being by herself, never with family. She has been through a lot of pain, no?”

  Nat nodded and a tear dropped onto her shirt. “Yeah, she has.”

  Phillipe sniffed and tapped the wall next to the picture. “Yet, she finds a way. When you see her, will you please tell her the Bouchards send much love.”

  “Of course.” She took his hand. It had the same small nicks and burns that Maddy’s did. Baker’s hands.

  “Would you like anything? It is, as you say in America, on the house?”

  Paul and Jackie’s eyes widened. Phillipe laughed and filled a brown paper bag with breads and sweets.

  “Thank you, Phillipe,” Nat said. “You are too kind.”

  “I’m just glad to know that Madeline has people who care for her,” he replied. “And you,” he gestured to Nat. “I can see that you care for her very much indeed.”

  She let out a small, sad laugh. “I do, but I think I may have unintentionally hurt her very badly.”

  As Paul and Jackie devoured their spoils between “mmms” and “mercis” Phillipe pulled Nat aside. “Madeline learned to survive by putting up the barricades when she is wounded. I do not think she believes she deserves happiness, and when she is disappointed, she retreats. It is human nature to protect oneself, no?”

  “You’re right.”

  “If you care for Madeline, and want what’s best for her, your heart will tell you what to do.”

  She nodded. “How’d you get so good at this advice thing?”

  “I have been married for thirty years to a wonderful woman, and she has taught me the language of the heart. I have made many mistakes but we have always found our way back.”

  Jackie tapped Nat on the shoulder. “Mate, I’m sorry but we have to get headed to the airport.” She motioned to the pain au chocolat in her hand. “And you, Phillipe, are a brilliant baker.”

  He nodded and took Nat’s hands in his again. “Safe travels to all of you. And thank you for stopping by my humble little shop.”

  As the group headed out, Phillipe called out to Nat. “Nat, ‘Il n’y a qu’un bonheur dans la vie, c’est d’aimer et d’être aimé.’

  “What does that mean?” she asked.

  “There is only one happiness in life: to love and to be loved. Au revoir.”

  “Au revoir.”

  She walked out into the sunny Paris day, the scent of bread still in her nose. She was hopeful and resigned at the same time. If she and Maddy were meant to be, love would find a way.

  “Natalia,” Paul called out, “Take this baguette and stand in front of the sign.”

  She stood next to the wooden sign on its rusty hinges. A well-loved place that showed love to Maddy, too. She took a deep breath and posed for the picture.

  “Say frommage,” Paul yelled.

  “Absolutely not,” she said as she smiled in spite of herself.

  Chapter Thirty

  The Heathrow airport terminal buzzed with activity as passengers rushed to catch planes to destinations around the world. The bandmates sat in a row near their gate waiting for their transfer as muffled announcements called out overhead.

  “Anyone want some chocolate? I think I need some,” Jackie announced as she stood and stretched. Wearing comfy yoga pants and a Nat Chambers Band hoodie, she looked like she could crawl into any space and fall right asleep. Nat suddenly imagined Jackie snoozing in the overhead bin.

  “Nah, I’m good,” Nat said. “Oh, but I could mess up some Jelly Babies.”

  Jackie put her hands on her hips. “Come on, Nat. You find yourself in London and you choose not to partake in our far superior chocolate? You choose bloody Jelly Babies?”

  “What can I say? I love a good gummy.”

  Paul grumbled. “Do they have any candy with crunchy Xanax bits in it?”

  “I will check,” Jackie said with a wink. “I might have to venture to duty free.”

  “Oh, wait, before you go,” Nat said, “I was going to show you when we got home but I think now’s the right time.” Nat rustled around i
n her bag and pulled out her black notebook. She handed it to Jackie.

  “Okay, it’s your notebook,” Jackie said.

  Paul rose up in his seat and a big smile spread across his face. “No, Jackie my love. That’s our new album.”

  She let out a huge sigh of relief. “There are fifteen new songs. Well, songlings. They aren’t really songs until we collaborate on them but here they are. The songlings are ready to take flight.”

  Jackie let out a little squeal then ran off without a word.

  “I knew you could do it, Chambers,” Paul said, reaching over his hand to high-five her.

  “Oh, Paul, I put my guts on the page. It’s different than what we’ve done in the past. It’s… I don’t want to say deep, because that is beyond pretentious, but I pulled it out note by note from way down inside me.”

  He wrapped his arm around her and squeezed her tightly. “My baby’s all grown up.”

  “Shut up. There’s one I really want to show you.” She flipped the page to a certain song and handed it to him. He was quiet for a moment while he took it in.

  “Wow, this is, well, this is it, Nat. This is fucking it.”

  Jackie bounded back with three mini champagne bottles in her hands. “Here! This calls for a celebration.”

  They each carefully undid the foil wrapping and popped their tiny corks, laughing at the display.

  Paul raised his bottle. “To friends and bandmates, to ecstasy and pain, to learning and living, and making new music.”

  The trio clinked their bottles and drank the cheap champagne like it was from the spring of eternal life.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Nat was dealing with a serious case of jet lag after returning home from tour. Her eyes ached, and Eddie demanded some serious head butts. She was about to order delivery from her favorite Thai place when her phone buzzed with a message from Paul.

  Chambers, get your ass to Icon asap. You’ll never believe who just walked in with some of her work friends.

  Nat’s hand trembled as she held the phone. Maddy was at Icon, the Brooklyn bar and live music venue where Nat had cut her teeth all those years ago. She stood frozen in her living room. Should she go and try to talk to Maddy? No. It had been nearly a month with no communication and Nat wanted to respect her space. But, what if seeing each other would make a difference? Her thumb hovered over Paul’s text. Before she could respond, she saw the familiar little texting dots on his side of the conversation.