Lola Rose

by Jacqueline Wilson

  I seized Kendall by the wrist and hauled him along, running away from Harpreet and Amandeep. Kendall yelled because I was pulling too hard but I didn’t ease up. I ran faster and faster, my heart pounding. Every beat said Mum-Mum-Mum.

  I thought she’d still be cowering under the covers – but her bed was empty. The whole flat seemed empty.

  ‘Mum?’ I called. ‘Mum!’

  ‘Hiya,’ said Mum, coming out of the bathroom. She was wearing her white jumper and leather skirt and high heels, looking a million dollars.

  ‘Oh Mum!’ I said, and burst into tears.

  ‘Oh my Gawd, what’s up with you?’ said Mum, shaking her head. She’d just washed her hair and it bounced on her shoulders.

  ‘Are you all right, Mum?’

  ‘Of course I am, you silly sausage,’ said Mum, putting her arms round me. Kendall scrabbled to get in on the cuddle too. Mum picked him up, laughing. ‘What’s up with you, babe?’

  ‘Lola Rose . . . has . . . been . . . horrid!’ he gasped, out of breath with running and crying.

  ‘Rubbish,’ said Mum, tickling him where his neck joined his shoulders.

  Kendall hunched over, squealing with laughter though his eyelashes were still stuck together with tears. I looked at his damp little face and felt awful.

  ‘I’m rubbish. I have been horrid. Kendall, I’m really really sorry.’

  Kendall blinked up at me. ‘I might forgive you,’ he said, sounding so funny that we all laughed.

  ‘Are you hungry, kids? Let’s have tea, eh?’ said Mum.

  She fixed us this lovely treat meal just like a birthday party, with sausages on sticks and crisps and baby pizzas and ice cream in new glass bowls, purple for me, red for Kendall, with our new names written on our puddings in strawberry sauce.

  ‘See this, Harpreet!’ I said inside my head. ‘My mum cares for us big time!’

  ‘You’re the best mum ever,’ I said, tucking in.

  ‘No, I’m not,’ said Mum, nibbling crisps. ‘I haven’t been very mumsie at all recently. I’ve left you kids alone too much. I’m going to be here for you now. No more shifts down that stupid pub of an evening. I’m well shot of that. I’ll get a day job. I was thinking, maybe I could work on a make-up counter, or be a hairdresser, say – I’m good at doing hair, aren’t I, Lola Rose?’

  ‘You’re the best, Mum. You do your hair beautifully,’ I said, patting her blonde curls. I thought you probably had to train for those jobs first but I didn’t like to say anything to spoil Mum’s mood.

  ‘I’m well shot of J-A-K-E too,’ Mum said, raising her eyebrows at me significantly.

  Kendall hadn’t caught on to spelling yet and carried on licking his sausage like a lolly.

  ‘You bet, Mum,’ I said.

  Kendall experimented, dipping his sausage in his ice cream.

  ‘Eat your sausage properly, Kendall!’ I said. ‘That looks totally disgusting.’

  ‘It gets mixed up in my tummy,’ Kendall said. ‘So why can’t I mix it up in my mouth too?’

  ‘OK OK, but don’t be surprised if no one ever wants to sit down and eat a meal with you.’

  ‘I don’t want anyone. Apart from George,’ said Kendall, dipping George’s furry jaws into the ice cream bowl too.

  ‘You’re getting him all mucky,’ I nagged, but I was relieved he wasn’t throwing a tantrum about Jake.

  I couldn’t get over how calm Mum was about him. We had a girly heart-to-heart after Kendall was in bed.

  ‘I’m glad to be rid of him,’ Mum said bravely.

  I looked at her.

  ‘OK, I was nuts about him at first. Well, he is gorgeous. You must admit it, Lola Rose, he looks an absolute dreamboat – that hair, that flat stomach, that little bum—’

  ‘Mum!’

  ‘Well, you know what I mean. But I suppose I knew it wouldn’t last, what with me being a little bit older and you kids and everything.’ Mum sighed, smoothing the skin over her forehead. ‘Am I getting all wrinkly, Lola Rose? I’ve got frown lines, haven’t I? What do you reckon on that Botox treatment? Do you think it would work? Maybe I’ll treat myself if I get lucky on the lottery cards again, eh?’

  ‘You’re bonkers, Mum. You haven’t got any wrinkles!’

  ‘I have. And I’m getting all saggy and baggy too,’ said Mum, sticking her chest out and staring down at herself critically. She patted her breasts as if they were two puppies. ‘Poor things. Still, I don’t think this one’s going to have to be sliced off.’ She looked at me, her eyes very big and blue. ‘I went to the hospital today and saw this consultant.’

  ‘Mum! You didn’t say!’

  ‘Well, I wasn’t going to keep the damn appointment. But then I thought maybe I ought to. I mean, if it’s just us, Lola Rose, then I can’t take chances, can I? And if I have got something serious then I need to get it treated, right?’

  ‘I wish you’d told me you were going. I’d have gone with you. You hate hospitals,’ I said, taking Mum’s hand.

  ‘It was a bit scary. But I kept thinking I had to show Jake I’m not gutless. I had to wait ages and I was still feeling a bit groggy with the drink so I very nearly walked out. But I got talking to these other women waiting with me and it made me feel a bit better, knowing we’d all got lumps. And then the consultant himself was gorgeous – quite old, of course, but so good looking, lovely suit and beautiful hands with very sensitive, long fingers. It felt very weird taking my top off for him. I went all giggly and blushed like a schoolgirl.’

  ‘Mum! You’re not meant to flirt with your doctor.’

  ‘Oh, you know me, I’ll flirt with a floormop if no one else is around. But Mr Key is the bee’s knees, I swear. He says he’s not going to cut my boob off even if it is . . . cancer.’ She said it in a whisper. ‘He’s just taking the lump out, and some little thingies under my arm, in case they’ve got it too. So isn’t that great? He swears he’ll be able to cut kind of under my boob so it’ll hardly show.’

  ‘When’s he doing it, Mum?’

  ‘He said he’ll put me at the top of his list.’

  I thought about Mum in hospital. Then I thought about Kendall and me. My throat dried. I swallowed and waggled my tongue around to make a bit of spit.

  ‘Don’t pull those silly faces. You look like poor old Bubble,’ said Mum.

  ‘Mum, what about Kendall and me? When you’re in hospital?’

  ‘Don’t you worry about it, sweetheart. I asked a nurse and she said people only stay in a day or so. Well, I reckon I can have the little op and then discharge myself. So you’ll only be on your own one night. You can manage that, can’t you darling?’

  I wasn’t sure. I knew I’d be scared. But I wasn’t baby Jayni any more. I was supercool Lola Rose. ‘Of course I’ll manage, Mum, no bother,’ I said.

  ‘That’s my girl,’ said Mum. She put her arms round me. We hung onto each other and hugged until our arms ached.

  Mum stayed lovely day after day. She didn’t go for another job just yet. She said she’d wait until after her operation. We used up the last of the lottery money. Mum kept treating us. Kendall had red ice lollies cut up in his cornflakes for breakfast and red ice-lolly soup for his tea. She read him Thomas the Tank Engine until she was hoarse. She took him swimming and let George take a dip too, though he reeked of chlorine for ages afterwards.

  Mum made me Cadbury’s chocolate sandwiches for breakfast and Ribena cocktails for my tea. She did my hair in a different elaborate style every day and made me up properly so that I looked almost pretty.

  She also bought me my very own pair of purple high heels! I still couldn’t walk in them properly even though they fitted, but I didn’t care. I staggered round and round the flat in them, my bum sticking out, my ankles wobbling. I kept sticking out a leg, admiring the tautness of my calves, the arch of my foot, the glossy sheen of the purple leather, the dizzying splendour of those soaring high heels.

  ‘Walk naturally! You look as if you’re on a tightrope,’ Mum laughed
.

  Kendall kept begging to have a go in them. He looked a scream as he minced around like a miniature drag queen, his lips bright red from the lollies.

  ‘What a weird pair of kids,’ said Mum, lighting a cigarette and inhaling deeply. Her eyes suddenly welled up. She said it was the smoke from her ciggie but I think that was an excuse.

  I kept crying at odd moments too, even when I wasn’t thinking about Mum. I missed an easy catch playing rounders and my team moaned at me and I burst into baby tears. Some of the girls in my class said catty things about my new hairstyles and I rushed to the toilets to cry. I got stuck doing some new maths problems and slumped in my desk, snivelling.

  I didn’t really care about dropped balls and dopey girls and decimals.

  ‘What’s the matter, Lola Rose?’ everyone kept asking.

  I couldn’t tell them I was scared my mum was going to die.

  No, of course she wasn’t going to die. She probably didn’t even have cancer. She was just going to have a tiny lump taken out, then she’d be as right as rain. I imagined Mum in a rainstorm, hair plastered to her head, hunched in her white jacket. She was soaked to the skin but she was smiling and singing, tap-dancing through the puddles in her high heels.

  The letter came from the hospital. It was the first letter we’d had at our new address.

  Mum tore open the envelope, her hands shaking so badly she tore the letter too. She held a half in either hand helplessly.

  ‘Oh God, this is it, kids,’ she said. ‘I’m going in on Thursday. This Thursday. They don’t give you much notice. Still, my Mr Key said he’d slot me in as soon as possible.’ Mum smiled as if Mr Key was keen to make a date with her.

  ‘I don’t want you to go into hospital, Mum,’ said Kendall. ‘Not Thursday. You take me swimming on Thursdays. You can’t go.’

  ‘I have to go, little mate,’ said Mum.

  But she didn’t seem so sure on Wednesday night. She started drinking. I got scared she’d make herself sick again.

  ‘You can’t get drunk, Mum, not when you’re going into hospital tomorrow,’ I said, trying to sneak the bottle away.

  ‘You put that right back, Lola Rose. In fact you can pour me another glass.’

  ‘But Mum—’ I poured her the tiniest measure. Then I deliberately dropped the bottle.

  It made a horrible mess on the carpet. I cut my fingers trying to clear it up. Mum slapped me hard for being so clumsy. I cried. Then Mum cried too. We had a long, mournful cuddle. I carried Kendall into Mum’s bed and we all huddled up together. I don’t think Mum slept. She was wide awake whenever I woke up.

  I kept having nightmares. George’s chlorine smell made me dream we were all in the water, clinging to each other as we sank down and down where the sharks were waiting.

  We got up very early. Mum had bought us croissants and Danish pastries as a treat for breakfast. She didn’t eat a bite herself. Kendall picked out all the currants, licked the icing, but only ate a mouthful himself. I ate my way through three pastries, even though they’d gone a bit stale overnight. No matter how much I ate I couldn’t stop the huge, empty feeling inside me.

  Mum wouldn’t let us say goodbye properly. ‘We won’t make a thing of it or we’ll all start howling. Go on, kids, off to school. I’ve got a treat in the fridge for you for tea. You be a good boy for Lola Rose, Kendall, and go to bed when she says. I’ll be home as soon as I can make it. Don’t come to the hospital just in case anyone asks why you’re on your own. Go on then. Scram. Don’t look so scared. I’ll be fine. I promise you. I’m Lady Luck.’

  I took Kendall to school – but then I came scurrying back home. Mum came rushing to the door at the sound of my key. Her face was pink with hope. I think she thought I was Jake.

  ‘Lola Rose!’

  ‘I’ll help you pack your bag for the hospital and see you off properly.’

  Mum sighed but she didn’t have the energy to send me back to school. She got her case out. ‘God, wasn’t it weird, throwing all our things together that night your dad went for you,’ she said. ‘I wonder what he’s doing now?’

  ‘He’ll be getting drunk. Singing. Chatting up girls. Fighting.’ I opened Mum’s chest of drawers, looking through her stuff.

  ‘You don’t think I should tell him, just in case . . .’ Mum stopped.

  I stopped too. ‘No.’

  ‘But he is your dad. He does love you, darling. And there’s Kendall, he was always so gentle with him.’

  ‘No!’

  I held up her best black nightie. ‘You can’t wear this, Mum. It’s see-through,’ I said.

  ‘No it isn’t,’ said Mum. ‘Well.’ She put her hand up inside the filmy nylon. ‘I suppose it is a bit. Still, maybe I’ll give Mr Key one last sneaky peep at a perfect pair of boobs before he goes digging for lumps.’

  ‘Shut up, Mum,’ I said.

  ‘It might look weird with bandages underneath though,’ said Mum mournfully. ‘Oh Gawd, maybe I’d better buy a new nightie on the way.’ She looked in her purse. ‘Maybe not. I’m going to have to get my act together work-wise the minute I get out of hospital. I should have done something about it sooner, but I just wanted to be with you kids.’

  ‘That’s what we wanted too, Mum. Look, what about my nightie? It’s clean – well, I’ve only worn it a couple of times. It would fit you easy-peasy.’

  It was a white T-shirt with a teddy bear on the front. Mum looked at it and then folded it into her case. ‘OK, I’ll take it. I’ll look a bit daft but I’ll be decent. It’ll be like I’m cuddled up with you, Lola Rose. I’ll like that.’ Mum looked at me. ‘You will be all right, won’t you, lovie? Look, I’ll leave you my mobile just in case of emergencies. Don’t you run up a big bill though, there’s a good girl. You won’t mind being by yourselves tonight, will you?’

  ‘Of course not,’ I said quickly.

  ‘It’s not as if you’re really alone in the house,’ Mum said. ‘I mean, there’s Miss Parker downstairs and the two boys up above.’

  ‘Yes, Mum,’ I said. We both knew poor smelly Miss Parker couldn’t look after herself, let alone anyone else, and Mum and Steve and Andy weren’t on speaking terms any more. (Mum thought Steve was being overly friendly to Jake and told him to stop making eyes at her boyfriend. She said some other stuff too. Steve and Andy were mortally offended.)

  Mum started biting the skin round her thumb. I gently took it out of her mouth.

  ‘Quit that, Mum. We’ll be fine.’

  ‘You could always try to get hold of Jake. Though his mobile’s switched off at the moment, the little whatsit.’

  ‘Don’t try to phone him, Mum. We don’t need him. We don’t need anyone.’

  ‘You’re such a good, grown-up girl, Lola Rose,’ said Mum.

  I tried hard to feel grown up. I made Mum a cup of tea and sat her down with a stale croissant while I packed her washing things and her hairbrush and her make-up. I slipped in a card at the bottom of her case. I’d made it for her.

  I’d cut out a sad-looking baby bunny and stuck it in the middle, with little bits of tissue stuck on its ears and paws to look like bandages. I’d wondered about a bandage across its chest but decided that would be too literal. I surrounded him with flowers and butterflies and birds and wrote ‘Get Well Soon, Mum – With Lots of Love from Lola Rose and Kendall’ in my best handwriting. Kendall had added lots of kisses. He didn’t do them carefully enough. The kisses were all different sizes and spoilt the symmetry of the design but I hoped Mum wouldn’t mind.

  I gave her my own kisses at the bus stop. I got a bit carried away.

  ‘That’s enough! You’ll wipe all my powder off,’ said Mum. She looked at my watch. ‘Oh to hell with this. I’ll go up the high street and get a minicab.’

  ‘But it’s miles to the hospital, Mum.’

  ‘Look, I’m an invalid! Why should I have to bum around on buses?’ said Mum.

  So I went with her to the minicab firm. I kissed her again and gave her one last hug – a
nd another and another – and then she got in the car and they drove off. I waved long after the minicab had gone down the street and round the corner, out of sight.

  Then I stood there.

  I kept seeing Mum waving back from inside the car, sending herself up, doing one of those slow, spread-fingered, fancy waves like royalty as she mouthed goodbye.

  The terrible Voice of Doom spoke inside my head. What if this really is goodbye? What if this is the last time you ever see your mum?

  I ran like mad to get out of earshot. I went into the HMV shop in the arcade, ramming on the headphones, turning the volume right up. My head started throbbing. It was only eleven o’clock but I decided to go and get some lunch. Mum had given me ten pounds, which seemed heaps. I had a burger and French fries and a large Coke. I crammed it down quickly and felt just as empty when I’d finished. It seemed too mean to Kendall to spend much more on myself. So I sat where I was, watching a mum with two little kids across the way from me. The kids were just picking at their food. The moment they were wheeled off in their double buggy I whizzed over to their table. They’d left half a burger, heaps of French fries and most of a McFlurry ice cream. I stuffed them down so quickly I felt sick – even though I still felt empty.

  I mooched round the shops for a while, nibbling at a bar of Cadbury’s. I meant to save half of it for Kendall but I couldn’t quite manage it. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t want to go back home in case it would feel too weird without Mum, even though I was used to her being out a lot. So like some sad little wimp I scuttled back to school. At least I got another lunch. I told the teacher I’d had a tummy upset but I was better now.

  ‘Were you really sick?’ Harpreet whispered.

  She was trying to make friends with me again. I wanted to be her friend – but I was still mad at her.

  ‘Yeah, I was sick because I was drunk like my mum,’ I whispered back. ‘We split a whole bottle of vodka.’

  Harpreet’s mouth opened in a big 0. ‘You never!’

  ‘Of course I never,’ I said. ‘You’re so thick sometimes, Harpreet. You’ll believe anything.’ Then I relented. ‘No, you’re not thick. You’re thin as a pin. I’m the one who’s thick, look.’ I punched my big tummy. ‘Yuck, I’m getting so fat, look!’