That thought lingered as she spent the day cleaning the apartment and the studio in preparation for the meeting that night. Once she was done cleaning the studio, she set up the tables and chairs they’d need in the dance room. She was grateful for the work that kept her busy until the first of the women arrived just before seven.
“How’re you doing, Cara?” the woman asked as she walked in with a container of goodies in her hands. “Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?”
“It was fine. How about yours?”
Thankfully, this woman was one of the chattier ones and happily talked about the meal she’d made and everyone who had been there. By the time her conversation wound down, a couple more women had arrived and were happy to carry on the conversation.
“I’m so sorry to hear about you and the chief.”
Cara turned to see a woman who was a single mom to a pair of twin girls who were in her five and six-year-old class. “Thank you.”
“I know going through a breakup is a special kind of difficult in a small town like New Hope.” The woman’s expression was sympathetic. “People just care a little too much about what other people are going through. It will get better. Hang in there.”
Cara offered her a smile that she hoped conveyed her appreciation for not prying. “Thank you. It has felt a bit weird with everyone wanting to know what happened.”
“Yep, but eventually they’ll drop it. Something else will come up, although I’ll admit, it might take them a bit longer to get past this. Chief hasn’t dated much, or at all, really, so it was big news when he started dating you, which means the breakup will be a hot topic for awhile. I’m sorry.”
That’s what Cara had figured, so it wasn’t a big surprise. “Just part of life, I guess.”
The woman sighed. “I wish it weren’t, but yeah, it does feel like it is. For some of us, anyway.”
Before Cara could respond, the woman who’d headed up the costume committee for the past couple of years called them to attention. Since she’d already presented the music and they’d begun to rehearse, Cara didn’t have to do anything but listen to the lively discussion that ensued.
It was a pleasant distraction, and for a couple of hours, she was able to pretend that life was normal. That after this meeting, she’d call Kieran and tell him about how determined the different mothers had been for their daughters to wear certain outfits.
For all the disagreements, they were able to finally come to a consensus, and an agreement to each bring their daughters’ costumes to their next class. Since they’d had their coffee and tea, along with the dainties they’d brought, while the meeting was going on, they didn’t hang around too long when it ended.
A couple of the women managed to ask some semi-veiled questions about how she was doing since the breakup. Cara managed to brush them off, much to their disappointment. Still, she was sad to see the last one leave since that left just her in the quiet of the studio.
As she climbed the stairs, sadness settled over her as she realized she wouldn’t be here in another year to plan a recital. She had no idea what she’d be doing. If she’d try to find something related to dance, or if she’d choose a totally new direction. Maybe go back to school.
Her father had left her enough money that she wouldn’t have to work right away, but she would need something to occupy her time, so she didn’t completely lose herself in her heartache and grief.
When she woke the next morning, Cara lay for a moment, wondering if she should go to church. She’d been attending regularly, but now it felt a bit like she was infringing on Kieran’s turf. She wanted to go, though. It had become part of her routine, and it was an activity that fed her soul in a way that attending church as a teen never had.
Deciding that she’d arrive late and leave early, Cara rolled out of bed and headed for the shower. After a check of the weather, she dressed in a pair of fitted black jeans and an oversized red sweater. The temperatures had dropped a little in the past couple of days, so once she’d finished getting ready, she grabbed a jacket and pulled on a pair of flat ankle boots.
Her stomach knotted as she approached the church, even though she was arriving a little late. She hesitated inside the doorway, glancing around the empty foyer, before making her way to the doors of the sanctuary. A peek through the slender glass window in the door showed that the congregation was standing, which was perfect.
She eased open the door and slipped inside. The greeter near the door offered her a smile and a bulletin. She took it with a nod then headed for the nearest empty seat. Long familiar music filled the air, and Cara stood with the others, but not singing as she let the music and words wash over her. Her mom had always loved Christmas time, especially at church.
Parts of the service brought back memories for her in a way she hadn’t expected. She missed her mom intensely at that moment, and the ache only increased as she spotted Kieran near the front with his mom. In past weeks she’d sat in church with him, her shoulder pressed against his arm. Usually at some point, she’d end up tucked against his side, his arm around her shoulders.
She blinked back tears and exhaled quickly, trying to breathe out the emotions that were rising within her. She didn’t want to have an emotional breakdown right there in the church, giving the citizens of New Hope even more to talk about.
By the time the pastor got up, she was convinced that coming had been a bad idea. Her chest was tight again, and it was all she could do to keep the tears from falling. She missed her mom. She missed her dad. She missed Kieran.
“Today is the first Sunday of Advent,” the pastor said as he took his place behind the pulpit. “And as you heard from the reading earlier when Cadi lit the first candle, this week’s focus is on hope. We read in the Old Testament of those who prophesied about Jesus’ birth, offering hope to the nation of Israel. Their Savior was to come and save them. It was their hope of salvation, and even though Jesus has already lived His time on this earth, Christmas is a reminder of the hope His birth still offers to us.”
Cara focused on Pastor Evan’s words, trying to use them to keep her emotions at bay, but it was hard. She felt a sense of hopelessness. She’d just finally started to feel hope for a future for the first time since her mom’s death, but she no longer felt much hope for anything. At this point, she just wanted to find a way to get through each day without crying and without the constant sick feeling in her stomach.
“Too often, we put our hope in people or circumstances. We hope that someone will hire us for a new job. We hope that our boss will give us a promotion. We hope that our relationship will work out. We hope that our children will grow up to be good people. All of those are fine things to hope for, but only if we’ve first put our hope in the Lord Jesus Christ and in His will for our lives.”
His words sank into her mind, jarring her out of her emotional state. Her hope had definitely been on anything but God. She wasn’t used to thinking of situations like that. Would putting her hope in God have made it hurt less when Kieran had broken up with her?
It felt too late to do anything about that now. The pain was well and truly entrenched in her heart, and right then, it didn’t feel like it was ever going to go away.
Cara listened as the pastor continued to talk about hope, remembering how her father had expressed his hopes for her. The look of peace on her father’s face as he’d spoken about his newfound faith in God filled her memory. If he was able to find peace while facing death, surely she could find peace while facing life. A new life, true, but life nonetheless. Could she find peace and hope in the midst of her grief and hurt?
“As we enter this time of celebrating the birth of Christ, let us take time to embrace the hope He brought for us. A hope that, if we place our trust in God, will sustain us, even in the darkest of hours. Though the hopes we have may be dashed at times, our hope in God will buoy us up so that we do not sink beneath the weight of those unrealized hopes and broken dreams.”
Once the pastor drew his se
rmon to a close, the worship leader got up to lead them in a song. Cara had been prepared to leave then, but as the pianist began to play, the song once again drew her memory back to the services she’d attended with her mom.
Come, thou long-expected Jesus,
born to set thy people free;
from our fears and sins release us,
let us find our rest in thee.
Israel's strength and consolation,
hope of all the earth thou art;
dear desire of every nation,
joy of every longing heart.
Born thy people to deliver,
born a child and yet a King,
born to reign in us forever,
now thy gracious kingdom bring.
By thine own eternal spirit
rule in all our hearts alone;
by thine all sufficient merit,
raise us to thy glorious throne.
The words were not contemporary, but that drew her in even more as she’d always been drawn to historical music, particularly the music she’d danced to with the ballet company. So she lingered, singing along with the words, mulling them over.
Hope of all the earth thou art.
She wanted that hope for herself. The hope of God in her heart and her life.
As the song ended and the pastor rose for the final prayer, Cara slipped out of the row and headed for the doors leading to the foyer. She didn’t want to speak to anyone right then, especially with Kieran in the vicinity.
Though the message had given her much to think about, she was a bit adrift and feeling as if pain instead of hope was the anchor she had available. She wanted hope as she moved forward with her life, as she faced the ups and downs that she knew were still to come.
Outside the church, Cara lifted her face to the sun that was peeking through the clouds. She took a deep breath and let it out, wishing the pain had gone with her breath, but knowing she just had to embrace it for now.
~*~
Kieran left the service feeling…he wasn’t sure what. He’d missed having Cara sitting beside him, and he’d wondered if she would be there. Though he’d glanced around before and after the service, he hadn’t seen her. The ache in his heart had pulsed a little stronger at that realization.
Given the topic of the sermon, it was a bit ironic for him to hope for something, but he did, even though it wasn’t for himself. He hoped that Cara would continue to pursue her faith. He had accepted that they were going to have to exist in the same town, and maybe even the same church. It would be hard, but as long as he knew she was safe, he would deal with it.
As had become his habit in recent days, Kieran returned home after turning down his mom’s invitation to go to Norma’s and changed into his running clothes. His mom was harping on him that he was losing weight, which was likely true. Since the breakup, he’d had no appetite to speak of, and he’d been doing more than his usual amount of running.
It had been similar after his breakup with Toni, but that had been compounded by his grief over his dad. Things had gradually righted themselves, but it had taken awhile. Work and exercise had been all that had kept him sane.
He had a feeling it was going to be similar this time around. His connection to Cara had been strong enough that he’d started to have glimpses of what a future with her might be like. So the heartache was real. As real as it had been when things had ended with Toni.
His shoes pounded the hard surface of the road as he headed out of town. He didn’t have a definite course in mind, but he soon found himself on the long route he seemed to favor these days. With music playing loud enough to drown out his thoughts, he once again tried to outrun his feelings.
By the time he made it back to his house, it was raining, and his body ached. He was fine with both those things, though, since the rain sort of reflected how he was feeling inside. It felt like his mind was covered by dark clouds, and his heart was weeping at the loss of Cara.
Instead of going inside, he settled on the top step of his porch, not caring that he was getting even more soaked than he had gotten on the run. He stared out into the misty air, feeling loneliness settle deep within him.
He missed Cara.
They might not have been dating for long, but she’d made a place for herself in his life and in his heart. So much so that when she’d been torn from his life by circumstances beyond his control, she’d left a gaping wound that refused to heal.
Kieran rubbed his hands down his face. Logically, he knew he would heal, but right then, it felt like he had a wound that would never close. He had never thought that he’d experience one heartache, let alone two, in his lifetime. After what had happened with Toni, he knew he would heal. It would take time, but healing would come.
But he didn’t really care. He was now two for two when it came to serious relationships, and he wasn’t sure if the third time would be the charm or if he’d strike out. And at that moment, he wasn’t in any rush to find out.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
A couple of days later, while having dinner with his mom, she mentioned that the Christmas dance recital was coming up that weekend. Kieran remembered how excited Cara had been about it. His plan had been to attend it in support of her.
“I think I’d like to go,” his mom said as she passed him a bowl of mashed potatoes.
She’d gone all out for their dinner that night, clearly trying to tempt him to eat more. Kieran was doing his best to satisfy her by taking good-size helpings of the roast beef, veggies, potatoes, and fresh-made rolls. It was a struggle to eat it all because his appetite was still gone, but he did his absolute best.
“Will you come with me?”
Kieran looked up from his plate. “You want me to go with you to the recital?”
His mom nodded. It was so hard to not tell her the details about their breakup, but he didn’t want to turn her against Cara. He didn’t want her to have to experience the heartbreaking reality that Cara’s dad had been responsible for her husband and son’s deaths. But most of all, he didn’t want to put the burden of Cara’s secret on her. He’d promised to keep that secret, and he would, even from his mom.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“You miss her.”
“I do,” Kieran admitted. “But there were just things that came between us that we couldn’t overcome. We truly are the epitome of irreconcilable differences.”
“I wish you would tell me what happened.”
“I’m sorry, Mom. It’s something that Cara and I have decided to keep private.”
His mom frowned. “I’m sure you know there are rumors going around.”
“I’d have been more surprised if there weren’t. This is New Hope Falls, after all.”
“And you don’t care?”
“I don’t care what people are saying about the break-up. What I do care about is people saying bad things about Cara. That is something I’d better not hear.”
His mom’s brow wrinkled as she stared at him, clearly not understanding how he could care about protecting Cara from negative rumors and yet still not want to be together with her. He wished he could explain it to her, but that just wasn’t possible.
Finally, his mom let the subject drop, though Kieran didn’t think for one minute that he’d heard the last of it. That wasn’t uppermost in his mind as he left her house a couple of hours later, though. No, the dance recital was.
His plan, originally, had been to attend the recital with a big bouquet of flowers for Cara to celebrate the evening. He couldn’t get that plan out of his head, and by the time Friday rolled around, he knew that wild horses couldn’t keep him away.
He dressed in a pair of black jeans and a black turtleneck, then grabbed a jacket and left the house. It didn’t take long to get to the high school where he planned to sneak into the building. Hopefully without running into anyone.
Seeing Cara at something that he’d planned to attend with her was no doubt not going to help him get over her any
time soon. But he found he didn’t really care about healing more quickly. He’d loved Cara…still loved her…and he wasn’t eager to have that feeling leave his heart. She still meant everything to him.
His heart pounded as he walked across the rather dimly lit parking lot. He made a mental note to talk to the principal at the school about making sure that the lights in the lot were always working properly. With the days being short, any kids staying for after-school activities were leaving when it was dark outside, and that wasn’t good if the area wasn’t well lit.
There were quite a few cars there, which wasn’t a real surprise. There were probably a lot of grandparents and aunts and uncles attending along with the parents of the little ones who would be performing. His mom was probably in there as well since the last he’d heard, she planned to attend.
He heard the music as soon as he neared the theater. It was muffled behind the closed doors of course, but he recognized it. Jingle Bells increased in volume as he slowly opened the door and slipped into the darkened theater.
The people in the audience were all gathered in the front part of the auditorium, which allowed him to settle in a seat in the back row without interrupting anything. A row of six little girls in shiny red costumes with bell bracelets were making their way through their choreography with varying degrees of success. One little girl in particular, kept stumbling around, bumping into her fellow dancers, which earned her a few frustrated glares from the girls who were managing to keep in step.
Kieran couldn’t help but smile at the antics. When the number ended, the girls skipped off to the side, waving out at the applauding audience as they did so. From the opposite side of the stage, a group of slightly older girls, dressed in green outfits that had long sleeves and full skirts that looked to be made of matching netting with sparkles on them, appeared. After they were in position, O Christmas Tree started to play.
Because of Him: A Christian Romance (New Hope Falls Book 2) Page 25
