Honeybee

by Craig Silvey;

  Everybody laughed, then Luna Moons turned around and arched her back and slapped her own behind.

  ‘What the fuck am I talking about, bottomless?’

  The crowd whistled and cheered.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, that’s it! Nourish my famished ego! Feed me! Oh, that’s the good stuff. Now, a round of applause for Belinda, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, she’s in tears. Chin up, sweetie! You’re gonna be just fine. Now! This next girl is a tribute to all the peacocks out there. I’m looking at you, sir. Put your hands together for Pip Smears!’

  Pip Smears stepped out on stage and Lady Gaga’s ‘Telephone’ started playing. Pip glided up and down the stage lip-syncing, and when the chorus hit, she jumped up and tossed her hair and waved her arms and cartwheeled. She finished the song with a death drop. It was incredible. I forgot myself and cheered and clapped for her.

  Next up was Slim Busty, who was dressed all in black leather with a huge black wig. She ran out on stage and performed ‘Bad Reputation’ by Joan Jett. She sneered and pulled finger signs and shook her fists, and at one point she jumped straight into the crowd. They caught her and passed her across the room and carried her back onto the stage.

  The Duchess came out next and did Björk’s ‘It’s Oh So Quiet’, which was really theatrical, then Delta Goodhand did ‘Timebomb’ by Kylie. After that Blanche Boudoir came out wearing a black sequinned dress and started performing the Gloria Gaynor version of ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’. She bent over during the chorus, like she was truly in pain. She even cried and her mascara ran and she crouched down and went really still during the finale of the song. As she did, a guitar riff from a different song started playing over it, getting louder and louder, and Blanche started moving again, nodding her head up and down. Suddenly she leaped up onto her feet and tore away her black dress which revealed a red latex bodysuit underneath, and the song turned into ‘This Is Love’ by PJ Harvey. Blanche got really aggressive. She smeared her wet make-up all over her face and messed up her wig and paced up and down the stage and beat her chest with her fist. She was bold and fierce and I stepped right up close to the side of the stage because she was so powerful to watch.

  Luna Moons burst out next, and she did Robyn’s ‘Call Your Girlfriend’. She skipped across the stage and got the whole crowd clapping. Everybody loved her. She danced really well.

  Halfway through the song, Luna pretended to be exhausted. She puffed out her cheeks and put her hands on her hips and staggered to the side of the stage. Then she grabbed me by the hand and dragged me out in front of everyone. I panicked and shook my head and tried to pull away, but the other queens forced me onto the stage. Luna took me right into the centre and let me go. I was scared and alone. I stood completely still and looked out and all I could see was a bright light, but I could hear the crowd screaming and clapping along with the music. I blushed and shook my head and tried to make myself small. I could hear the crowd encouraging me, and I knew that I was disappointing everyone. A few metres away, Luna Moons was staggering around me and fanning herself. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to run off the stage, but I was frozen with fear.

  Then Luna Moons sashayed towards me with a huge grin. She grabbed my hand again and, just as the chorus started, she held it straight up, like I’d just won a boxing match. The crowd went crazy and I felt electricity down my spine and I suddenly forgot to be afraid. I started singing with Luna Moons, and I danced with her too, like I did when I was alone in front of a mirror. It was so loud and so bright, I didn’t really think about what I was doing, I just got swept up in it. I felt like I didn’t have any weight at all. It was like being in a dream. I felt like I was the honeybee again. I turned to the crowd and performed the song to them and I didn’t feel alone anymore.

  And then the song was over. The crowd screamed and whistled. Luna Moons wrapped me up in a big sweaty hug, and she held my hand up again for everyone to applaud. She waved to everyone and blew kisses, and I waved too as we ran to the side of the stage. Luna hugged me again, and I hugged her back.

  ‘Was that fun?’

  I couldn’t speak, so I nodded.

  The other queens hugged me too and said nice things. My heart was beating really fast. I was too shocked to understand what had just happened.

  Fella Bitzgerald bent down and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I could hardly hear over the noise, but I thought I heard her say, ‘I’m so proud of you!’ And then she walked out on stage.

  A spotlight followed her as she walked over and stood behind the microphone. She put her finger to her lips and waited until everyone went silent. She was so graceful and elegant.

  Then the music started up. It was a big band, lots of horns and strings. And then Fella Bitzgerald started actually singing into the microphone. Her voice was smoky and heartfelt. It was an old song called ‘I’m Through with Love’ that Marilyn Monroe sings in Some Like It Hot. It was beautiful. I had to blink a lot because my eyes were full of tears and I wanted to see her properly.

  When the song finished, the crowd was quiet for a moment, then they cheered when Fella Bitzgerald did a deep bow. She suddenly straightened, and a voice came over the speakers.

  ‘Oh, you don’t understand, Osgood! I’m a man!’

  Then Fella Bitzgerald ripped off her wig, revealing her short brown hair underneath, and another voice came over the speakers.

  ‘Well … nobody’s perfect!’

  Then all the lights went out.

  The audience went wild, and when the lights came back on, all the queens were back on stage, and ‘Wannabe’ by the Spice Girls started playing.

  Suddenly someone grabbed my arm and I spun around. It was the bouncer from outside.

  ‘How the fuck did you get in here?’

  Before I could say anything, he dragged me away from the side of the stage. He was holding my arm so tight it hurt and it was hard to keep up in Edie’s heels.

  ‘Fella Bitzgerald! She let me in! She said it was okay. Fella Bitzgerald!’

  I tried to pull away, but he was too strong. When we got to the back door, he opened it and pushed me out.

  ‘I don’t wanna see you here again. Stay the fuck away. You shouldn’t be here.’

  ‘Wait! Wait!’

  He slammed the door shut.

  I stood there in a daze. It had been so loud and bright and now I was outside in the dark and it was quiet. I remembered the intercom.

  ‘Hello? Fella Bitzgerald? I’m out the back, I got thrown out. Is anyone there?’

  I waited and tried a few more times, but nobody answered and the door stayed locked. I sat down on an old crate, and I realised Edie’s clutch with all the money Vic had given me was still in the dressing room. I got up to try the intercom again, but then I started to worry that I might have got Fella Bitzgerald in trouble for letting me in, and maybe she was angry with me. I took a deep breath and pushed down the button.

  ‘It’s me again. Um, Sam. I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry if you’re in trouble because of me. And I also wanted to say thank you for being so nice. You’re all so talented. I really loved watching you. It was amazing. Anyway, so, that’s all. I’m going to go now. I’m sorry. Bye.’

  I sat down and hugged my knees and I thought about what I was going to do next. I didn’t have any money to get a taxi back to Vic’s house. I couldn’t go anywhere. The thought of walking in the city while I was dressed up was so frightening that I started to shake. I didn’t feel like a superhero.

  I thought about stealing a car from the car park, but I didn’t know how to connect the wires to make it start. I thought about breaking into somebody’s house to steal some different clothes. I decided to risk heading to the station to catch a train back to Vic’s.

  I crept down the side of the building and looked towards the street. I waited for a loud group of girls in tight dresses to go past. I thought about walking close behind them to try to blend in, but I didn’t want them to notice and call me out, so I went out alone. I kept m
y head down and walked quickly as I could. I made sure the wig hung over my face. I didn’t look up to see if anyone was watching me. I tried to make myself invisible.

  At one point, I stepped out to cross the road, and a car braked hard and honked. The lady driving yelled out at me.

  ‘Watch where you’re going, you silly bitch!’

  It was a mean thing for her to say, but she actually gave me confidence because she didn’t see me as a boy. I lifted my head and swept the hair back from my face. I thought about what Fella Bitzgerald said to me, and I started to walk the way I had always wanted. I realised it was the same as shoplifting. If I looked nervous or afraid, I would get caught. I had to act like I belonged.

  I walked like I had somewhere to be. I swung my arms and let myself look around. I went past people getting late-night kebabs and people smoking outside a jazz club and drunk people trying to wave down a taxi at the corner of Weld Square. Nobody noticed me.

  My mind went back to performing on stage with Luna Moons. It didn’t seem real. I thought about all those people cheering and clapping, and it made me smile to myself. I couldn’t wait to tell Vic. He had given me the thing I had always wanted. And I knew then that I was going to do the same for him.

  Then I turned onto the James Street Mall, next to the museum. I saw two guys ahead of me smoking cigarettes on a bench. One was tall and fat and combed his short hair forwards with too much gel. The other was thin and short with pale skin and he wore a button-up black shirt that needed ironing.

  ‘Hey gorgeous,’ the thin one called out.

  I looked down and didn’t say anything.

  He stood up and blocked my path.

  ‘Hey, how’s your night?’ he said.

  The big one got up too. I should have stepped around them and kept walking. I should have kept going past the art gallery and taken the pedestrian overpass to the station. But I got scared and I stopped. And then I turned around and I walked fast back the way I came.

  They followed me.

  ‘Hey, wait up. Where you going?’ the thin one said.

  ‘I don’t think she likes you, man.’

  I turned onto a darker, quieter road near a hostel. The thin one caught up and took hold of my wrist.

  ‘Hey, hold up.’

  I snatched my hand back and kept walking.

  ‘I’m just being friendly. Where you headed? We’ll walk you there. What’s your name? Where are your friends?’

  He put his arm around my shoulder. I ducked and stepped back. The strap on my left heel snapped and it slipped off.

  ‘Don’t touch me!’

  He held his hands out while I kneeled to fix my shoe.

  ‘Whoa, take it easy. I’m only playing. Here, let me help.’

  He crouched down and put his hand on my ankle.

  ‘Stop it! Leave me alone!’

  I kicked my foot into the toe of the shoe and tried to walk away, but it slipped off again. The thin one was right next to me. I could smell cigarettes and cheap spray-on deodorant.

  ‘There’s no need to be like that. Just relax. I’m a nice guy. You want a smoke? What’s your name?’

  I bent over to take off my right heel, then I was going to run. But my hands were shaking so much I couldn’t loosen the strap. The big one was standing close and watching me. He suddenly grabbed the thin one by the shoulder.

  ‘Dude, dude. Stop. I think it’s a dude.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘That’s a guy.’

  ‘Fuck are you talking about?’

  I hooked my finger behind the strap and pulled at it, but I lost my balance and tipped onto the kerb.

  ‘It’s a fucking guy. Look!’

  The big one pushed my wig back, then he started laughing.

  ‘Holy shit! Fuck, man, you are never living this down!’

  ‘Fuck off!’

  The big one kept laughing.

  ‘Oh my God! Dude. You were trying to tune a dude!’

  ‘Shut the fuck up, cunt. No I wasn’t.’

  I tried to stand, but the thin one punched me hard in the face and stood over me.

  ‘Fuck is wrong with you? Huh?’

  He kicked me hard. Then he punched me again. I put my arms up to protect myself but I was too weak and dazed and he was too fast and angry. He spat on me.

  ‘What the fuck are you doing? Hey? Fucking faggot. Why are you dressed like that?’

  I didn’t really feel him hitting me. It was his friend laughing that hurt.

  The thin one put his hands around my neck and squeezed tight then dragged me across the pavement and slammed me against a low brick wall. The back of my head stung. I could see sparks in the corners of my eyes.

  ‘Hey! Hey! Hey!’ I heard someone call out. It was a man’s voice. Loud and deep and powerful. I looked to my right. My vision was blurry, but I recognised Fella Bitzgerald. She was sprinting with her shoes in one hand and Edie’s clutch in the other.

  The big one grabbed his friend’s shoulder and pulled him off me.

  ‘Come on, let’s go,’ he said.

  The thin one pushed him away. Then he reached down and ripped Edie’s dress open. He tore a strip right down the centre. Sequins sprayed over the pavement, and I thought about Steve. Fella Bitzgerald was getting closer, calling out my name, warning them to stop, and I thought about my mum. Because this had happened before. And it would keep happening. It would always be this way. So when the thin one balled up his fist and swung it towards me, I didn’t feel scared. I knew what was coming and I didn’t flinch, because I wanted it all to stop.

  And then everything switched off.

  Fracture

  It all fell apart because of a holiday.

  A few times a year, Steve would travel up the coast to Lancelin with his friends. They camped for three or four days and fished on his boat and went waterskiing and dived for crayfish. Sometimes they took their dirt bikes up to ride them on the dunes. My mum always wanted Steve to take me with him, but he never allowed it. He pretended to be sorry, and I pretended to be disappointed. He promised I could go when I was older.

  When I turned thirteen, my mum got her way. I tried to get out of it, but she insisted. She said spending more time with Steve’s friends would be good for me.

  We drove up in his four-wheel drive with Steve’s friends Rosso, Mick and Wayne, who also worked out on the mines. They wore singlets and thongs and sunglasses. They smoked cigarettes and drank cans of beer from an esky. Every fifteen minutes Mick made everyone be quiet and turned up the radio so he could listen to a horse race he had money on.

  I sat on my own, right up the back in the enclosed cab with all the bags and boxes and Rosso’s grey staffy, Snags. He was less than a year old and he had sad blue eyes.

  I didn’t realise how far it was to Lancelin. We had been on the road for an hour, and I was uncomfortable because I had drunk a whole bottle of apple juice that Steve had bought me from a service station. I really needed to go. I didn’t want to ask Steve to pull over because I knew he would be annoyed. He was already complaining about losing time because of the city traffic. He drove over the limit and overtook cars even though he had a trailer with the dirt bikes attached.

  I tried to distract myself by squirming and pinching myself and biting the inside of my mouth and counting cars out the window, but nothing helped.

  It got unbearable. It was almost leaking out of me. I stared at the empty bottle of apple juice and wished I hadn’t drunk it all, but it gave me an idea. I unscrewed the lid. Then I moved forwards in the seat and slowly pulled down my shorts. I awkwardly poked my penis into the bottle and as soon as I did it all gushed out, so much that I thought they might hear, but nobody turned around.

  For a second I felt relieved, then I saw that the bottle was almost full. I panicked and looked around for another bottle or a plastic bag, but there was no time.

  I twisted in the seat just before the bottle overflowed and aimed at the floor. Snags looked at me strangely and sniffed at my
urine and stepped in it. When I finished, there was a puddle soaking into the carpet next to Snags. I put the cap back on the bottle and pulled my shorts up and I felt queasy with dread.

  I waited. A few minutes later, I saw Rosso and Wayne frown and look at each other in the back seat.

  A little while after that, Steve screwed up his face.

  ‘The fuck is that smell?’

  ‘Mate, it smells like piss back here,’ said Wayne.

  Mick played around with the controls on the centre console.

  ‘It might be your aircon,’ he said. ‘Gets mouldy in the vents and smells rotten. Maybe needs a clean out.’

  ‘Bullshit,’ said Steve. ‘I had this serviced and detailed two months ago.’

  Steve saw me in the rear-view mirror. He must have noticed how guilty I looked.

  ‘What?’ he said. ‘Eh?’

  I was too scared to say anything.

  ‘What?’ Steve said again.

  I opened my mouth, but no words came out.

  Rosso turned and looked at me. Then he poked his head over the back seat and saw the puddle.

  ‘Oh fucking hell! Fuck!’

  ‘What?’ yelled Steve. He was barely looking at the road.

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ said Rosso.

  ‘I’ve had enough of this,’ said Steve. He pulled over and turned around in his seat.

  I was shaking.

  ‘Fuck,’ said Rosso. ‘I’m sorry mate. Snags has pissed all over the back here.’

  He grabbed Snags by the collar and shook him.

  ‘Bad boy! Bad! You little bugger!’

  ‘Don’t!’ I said. ‘It’s not his fault!’

  I thought Rosso would be angry with me, but he didn’t even notice. He just shook his head and got out of the car. So did Steve. Wayne and Mick thought it was funny.

  Steve opened the rear door.

  ‘I told you not to bring your dog.’

  ‘Sorry mate. Susie’s out of town. He hasn’t done this for a while. I’ll put some towels down.’