The Smoking Bun (Apple Orchard Cozy Mystery Book 10)

by Chelsea Thomas

  49

  Missing Persons

  Peter’s Land and Sea was dark, quiet, and locked. Hannah’s home was much the same. That meant there was only one place left to check for our suspected murderers…

  ….Petey’s little apartment near town hall.

  Teeny gasped as I pulled my pickup into a middle spot between a pair of beat up sedans. “That’s Hannah’s car. And that one is Petey’s! They’re both here. I knew it. They were in on these murders together! Petey held the gun and Hannah pulled the trigger.”

  “That’s a serious partnership,” I said. “I’ve never heard of a gun that needed two people to be operated.”

  “You know what I mean, Chelsea,” said Teeny. “It’s a metaphor or a simile or whatever. Is now really the time for you to pick apart my language?”

  “Sorry.” I looked up at Petey’s apartment. “You’re right. We have way more important things to do.”

  “And every second we spend talking is a second wasted,” said Miss May, climbing out of the truck. “Let’s go.”

  Miss May headed up the stairs toward Petey’s apartment with me and Teeny hot on the heels of her muddy work boots. She knocked on the door but no one answered. Then she tried to peer through the side window but the blinds were drawn. We couldn’t see anything.

  “We need to get in there,” said Miss May, her voice in a low whisper. “But how?”

  “We could throw this brick through the window.” Teeny held out a brick. “I found it in the parking lot and thought it might come in handy.”

  Teeny pulled the brick back and readied a throw. Miss May stepped in the way to stop her. “No bricks! Too loud. Too aggressive. But I appreciate your forward thinking.”

  “I’ll keep the brick on me just in case,” said Teeny, mirroring Miss May’s whisper.

  I tried the front door. It was unlocked. “You guys. Look.”

  Miss May sighed and shook her head in frustration. “Alright. Stay quiet in there. And stay alert. It might be dangerous.”

  “Should I go first?” I asked.

  Miss May nodded. Teeny offered up the brick. “Want the brick? Just in case?”

  I took the brick and shouldered the door open and stepped into Petey’s apartment. Dust hung suspended in a beam of sunlight. Other than that the place was dark. And it was quieter than a synagogue on Christmas.

  I looked back at Miss May for instruction. She held her finger to her lips and pointed down a narrow hallway that led to an ancillary room. Probably the bedroom.

  I pressed my back against the wall and sidestepped toward the room at the end of the hall. Miss May and Teeny did the same. The three of us must have looked like the world’s most unlikely members of SEAL Team Six.

  There was a loud thud from inside the room. We stopped about halfway down the hall and listened. All was quiet. I took another sideways step toward the room. Then another. My adrenaline surged. I could feel my heart beating in my neck. And I felt as though I’d just chugged a quadruple espresso.

  I reached out for the handle to the bedroom door but before I touched it the door swung open. There stood Hannah, holding a glistening butcher knife, sweaty and bedraggled.

  “Get out of this apartment.” Hannah thrust the knife in our direction. “Leave. Now.”

  “Don’t hurt them,” a voice gargled from behind Hannah. I looked. Petey was tied up in an office chair, writhing around in an attempt to get free.

  “Shut up, Petey.” Hannah did not look away from me, Teeny, and Miss May.

  “Why are you doing this to me?” said Petey. “I thought you loved me. We had that magical night, with the flowers and the wine—”

  “Stop making me repeat myself,” said Hannah. “I was in an open relationship. You weren’t special. You were one of many meaningless flings.”

  Teeny scratched her head. “Hold on a second. You and Petey were… involved?”

  “And now she’s trying to kill me!” Petey exclaimed.

  “But she doesn’t want to kill you over all these love affairs, does she?” asked Miss May. “She wants to kill you because—"

  “Alright, I guess if you’re not gonna leave, we’re gonna have to do this the hard way. Get in the bedroom, old lady,” Hannah snarled. “All three of you get inside and stand facing the wall. Hands up. And Chelsea, drop that brick.”

  I dropped the brick and winced at the loud thud it made on the wood floor.

  “OK. Now get inside before I stab you all. To death,” Hannah said.

  “You don’t kill people with knives, Hannah. You kill them with poison. Cyanide in a cinnamon bun, to be exact. That blade you’re holding now is just for show.” Miss May pulled out her phone. “I think I’ll call the police instead.”

  My eyes widened. Miss May had an impressive poker face under threat of stabbing. I liked it.

  But Hannah turned on her heels and threw the knife toward Petey. The blade just missed Petey’s shoulder and stuck in the wall behind him. When Hannah turned back she was holding a handgun and pointing it right at Miss May’s head. “Get in.”

  We marched into the bedroom in a single-file line.

  “Face the wall behind Petey. Hands up. No turning around.”

  We did as we were told. But Miss May was in a sassy mood that day. “What’s your plan here, Hannah? You’re going to execute us and Petey and then make a run for it?”

  Hannah pulled the knife from the wall, all the while keeping her gun trained on us. “Shut up. I’m thinking.”

  “You’re never going to get away with this,” said Teeny.

  “Quiet!” said Hannah. “And drop that brick!”

  Teeny dropped a second brick with a pout. “There goes my secret weapon.”

  “You had another brick?!” I whispered to Teeny.

  She shrugged. “There was a whole pile of ‘em out there.”

  “Do you really want to kill four more people just to maybe get away with a little bit of money?” Miss May asked Hannah.

  “Be quiet so I can think!” said Hannah.

  “Maybe I can think for you,” said Miss May. “Help you reason this out. Your problems all started back when Buck worked at Hudgens, right? You didn’t work there with him. But he would come home at night and complain about a scam that the owner, Jeffrey, was running. Selling expired ingredients in the alley behind the restaurant. Lining his pockets. I bet Buck tried to get Jeffrey to stop the scam. But Jeffrey refused. So Buck quit and sought refuge in Pine Grove, where he figured he could find a restaurant and run the kitchen however he pleased. The naïve young owner even let Buck hire you, Buck’s wife, as the hostess. So sweet.”

  I craned my neck around so I could get a better look at the scene unfolding in the bedroom. Hannah’s eyes were wide.

  “But when you started working at Land and Sea, you saw the restaurant was struggling. You knew Petey was in over his head, and Buck was letting his arrogance get in the way of his business sense. Plus, Petey and Buck were so dysfunctional as a team that they were piling extra jobs on you. Making you work too hard. So you saw an opportunity to make a little extra cash. And you took it. You used Petey’s money to buy ingredients from Hudgens. Truffles, meats, cheeses, whatever. You told Petey the stuff was top-of-the line, very expensive. Meanwhile, you were buying trash from Hudgens at a steep discount and pocketing the difference. You didn’t have any problems ruining the reputation of Peter’s Land and Sea by serving expired food because you felt unappreciated there. You wanted to make quick money, maybe to fund a life away from Buck, and you didn’t care what happened to the restaurant in the long term. Then all the stupid locals started getting sick. Not every customer. But enough of them. You tried to keep the unhappy customers quiet so you could keep your racket running a little longer. You paid off most of the customers to shut their traps. People like Ethel, who needed the extra cash to fund her poker games. Peter’s catering at Washington Villages made poor little old Ethel violently ill. But you bought her silence. I bet that’s how Brian finally
afforded to fix his espresso machine, too. He ate at Land and Sea and got sick, so you paid him off. These people, and others like them, thought you were being generous and apologetic. They had no idea you were bribing them to keep quiet so you could keep poisoning people with rancid food. But you couldn’t keep the scam going forever, could you? Eventually, Buck figured the whole thing out. And that’s when the problems really started.”

  The gun trembled in Hannah’s hand. “Buck was a coward. And a hypocrite. He wasn’t mad that people got sick. He was mad about how it would make him look.”

  “I bet Buck told Petey about your scam, didn’t he?” said Miss May. “But Petey loved you, after your torrid one night stand. He refused to believe you were capable of hurting him or anyone else. Buck and Petey argued about it but Petey couldn’t see the truth. Petey refused to fire you. So Buck quit. And he made a plan to tell the cops all about your rotten ingredient hustle.”

  Hannah stammered. Miss May continued. “So you killed your husband. Then Rebecca revealed that she knew about what you did to Buck — she probably saw you baking the cinnamon bun that poisoned her lover — so you killed her, too. Eventually Petey figured the whole thing out. Realized Buck had been telling the truth. And that’s probably why he’s tied up behind you. Although I still don’t think you’re willing to shoot any of us in cold blood, so you might as well put the gun down and turn yourself in.”

  “Wow,” said Petey. “Miss May, that was amazing. If my hands weren’t tied up I would totally clap.”

  “Shut up, Petey!” Hannah snapped. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, May. Rebecca… Rebecca didn’t even care that Buck was dead! You know what she cared about? Herself! Saving her own skin.”

  “Ah, of course. Because you put Rebecca in danger to protect yourself…after Rebecca figured out you had framed her for Buck’s murder.” Miss May spoke in a relaxed tone. “The cyanide in the cinnamon could be traced to her tincture workshop, right? Because of the cassava in one of her potions. You wanted us to think Rebecca committed this crime, but your plan didn’t work. In fact, Rebecca was going to expose you. So you took care of the problem.”

  “I’m not a crazy villainess,” said Hannah. “I’m not even a criminal! I needed to be able to take care of myself once Buck and I were divorced. That wasn’t gonna happen on what Petey was paying me. I barely made more than minimum wage!”

  “Listen—” Miss May took a step toward Hannah.

  Bang! Bang!

  Hannah fired two shots into the ceiling. Miss May, Teeny, and I dropped to our knees and covered our heads, screaming. We stayed curled up and frozen for a few seconds. Then a door slammed in the distance.

  I turned back and Hannah was gone.

  I leapt to my feet and darted out of the apartment. By the time I got out to the parking lot, Hannah was already in her car, driving away. So I jumped into my truck, swung around to pick up Teeny and Miss May — waited for them to descend the stairs — and squealed out of the parking lot in pursuit of the cold-blooded killer.

  50

  Race to the Finish

  Pine Grove’s Fall Fest was in full swing that Sunday afternoon, with happy kids, vendors and performers abound. Everyone looked happy and peaceful. Until, that is, Hannah drove head-on into a police barrier, jumped out of her car and took off running through the crowds.

  I slammed on my brakes right behind Hannah’s car and jumped out, darting after her with all the vigor my little legs could manage.

  If I hadn’t been in the middle of chasing down a confessed murderer, I might have stopped to appreciate the charm of the festival. Little girls were getting their faces painted like pumpkins. Mayor Linda Delgado was dressed up like a scarecrow. And an elderly woman struggled to get her dentures unstuck from a bright red candy apple.

  I did a spin move around the toothless old woman and narrowly avoided crashing into a table that had been set up for a pumpkin carving contest.

  Twenty feet ahead of me, Hannah leapt over a bale of hay. Then she turned back, picked it up and threw it in my direction to create an obstacle.

  It worked.

  The bale of hay hit me square in the chest and I stumbled back a few feet. But I recovered quickly and closed the gap between me and Hannah right as she approached a massive cornucopia display.

  I was five feet away from Hannah when Brian from the Brown Cow pushed his coffee cart right into my path. I scrambled to get around the cart but Hannah used the opportunity to increase the distance between us. “Catch that woman,” I said. “Stop her!”

  I took a deep breath and resumed running as fast as I could, which was unfortunately not that fast. Yeah, I was proficient at karate, and yeah, sometimes I had to chase people, but I needed more cardio in my workout regimen. Who am I kidding? I needed a workout regimen. And some new deodorant. Because that chase got me sweaty.

  Luckily, the people of Pine Grove heeded my call and joined me in the chase for Hannah. At first, it was just a couple of kids running by my side. But when I looked back, a large throng of townspeople had joined me in my pursuit. And Detective Wayne Hudson was just inches behind me.

  “Hannah’s the killer?” he called up to me.

  “Yes,” I panted. “And she’s getting away.”

  “I suspected her,” Wayne said, “but wasn’t sure about her motive. They were in an open relationship. You know that, right?”

  “Can we talk about this later?” I asked, gasping for breath.

  Up ahead, Hannah pushed a little girl off a bicycle, stole the bike and pedaled away. Hannah made a hard right turn at Pine Grove’s only stoplight. I followed, as did the herd of townspeople. When I turned the corner I saw that a giant banner had been stretched across the street and it read: “Will you marry me, Chelsea?”

  My eyes widened. I had forgotten all about Germany.

  My mind raced almost as fast as my feet. I remembered Germany declaring there would be a surprise at the Fall Festival. And I also remembered that he had called my phone a dozen times over the course of that day. Probably to confirm I would be attending the Festival…

  I felt bad but also a little confused. Is that where Germany and I were in our relationship? Marriage? He lived in Africa! And did I really want to be proposed to via a giant banner in front of everyone in town?

  Hannah saw the banner too late. She rode the bike right into it and fell backwards with a startled shriek. As Hannah scrambled to untangle herself from my marriage proposal, Wayne and I caught up to her.

  Hannah snarled when she saw me. “Stay away from me.” She climbed to her feet and attacked, smacking and clawing at me like a wild animal. I reeled for an instant, holding my hands up in a defensive posture. But then I remembered I could fight back.

  With one quick kick to the knees, I dropped Hannah to the ground. The second Hannah went down, Wayne handcuffed and Mirandized her. Germany’s banner ripped in half as Wayne dragged Hannah off the street and into a nearby squad car.

  When I turned back to the crowd, the whole town exploded with applause. Brian from the Brown Cow called out an apology. Petunia and Ethel flashed me a thumbs up. The toothless apple eater gave me a big, gummy grin. And Miss May and Teeny pushed their way to the front and wrapped their arms around me.

  “We tried to keep up but we’re too old,” said Miss May.

  I laughed. “I thought I told you to stop using that excuse.”

  The crowd parted to make way as Germany Turtle walked toward me with a bouquet of at least a hundred roses. It was so big, it blocked his face from view. He laid the bouquet in my arms and dropped to one knee.

  Oh boy.

  “Chelsea,” he said. “Your beauty shines, as if the sun, the moon, and the stars were all concentrated into one single, magnificent light. Your intellect sparkles, as if all of the world’s great thinkers throughout history joined together in one brain more brilliant than each of them combined. Your eyes glitter with a deep, infinite clarity, like the pool at the bottom of Niagara Falls. Whe
n I met you, I was an orphan. A sad, broken man child. But you put me back together again and showed me how to be a man. You accepted my love of mismatched denim and you supported my mission with the lions in Africa. Your bravery inspires me anew with each passing day and your karate skills continue to surprise and impress me. Nothing would make me happier, my sweet Chelsea Thomas, than for you to become my wife. What do you say? Will you marry me?”

  All of the voices and sounds and images around me dropped away, and suddenly all I saw was Germany’s sweet, guileless face before me. The world seemed to move in slow-motion. A monarch butterfly glided past my field of vision, and I felt like I could see entire lifetimes between each flap of its wings.

  I wanted to say yes. And I could tell the crowd wanted that too.

  But did I want to spend my life with Germany Turtle?

  “Germany. I love you,” I said. “That was beautiful and you’re incredible. But I need time. I have to think about it.”

  The entire crowd exhaled simultaneously and I felt like I had just missed the winning buzzer beater at a championship basketball game.

  Germany stood, mumbled a few unintelligible words and hurried away. Silent tears streamed down my cheeks as I watched Germany disappear into the Fall Fest crowd.

  “Are you OK?” Wayne asked from nearby.

  I shook my head. I had no idea.

  51

  A Modest Proposal

  The next day we had a huge party at the orchard to celebrate another case closed. Miss May baked up a few big pans of her big, gooey apple pie cookies, aka Appie Oaters. I was in charge of the hot apple cider station. And Tom Gigley’s band, The Giggles, played a set list of pure Frank Sinatra covers, but with a rock n’ roll edge. It was an odd choice but everyone knew all the words, which was fun.