The Art of Losing

by Lizzy Mason

“You’re probably right,” I said. I left the hooded sweatshirt and gossip magazines that I’d brought at the foot of the bed. “I’ll come back later.”

  Audrey needed time with her best friend, I told myself. I knew I should feel guilty about not spending time with her, but I didn’t. I was relieved that I didn’t have to.

  As I turned the corner on our block, I spied Raf’s maroon Jeep driving toward me. It was customary in our small neighborhood to slow down and chat for a minute, or at least shout a hello, so there was no avoiding him. These are the pitfalls of living next door to your crush.

  Raf slowed to a stop in the middle of the block, and I pulled up next to him. We rolled down our windows at the same time.

  “I always feel like a cop when I do this,” he joked. “Like I should be telling you that we just had a big bust. Or that it’s your turn to take over the surveillance.”

  I racked my brain for a witty cop joke but came up empty.

  “So, how are you?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “Busy. I got a job at The Flakey Pastry.”

  He smiled. “Oh yeah? Maybe I’ll swing by and have you make me a cappuccino.”

  “I would hold off on that for at least a few shifts,” I warned him. “Cappuccino is complicated.”

  “Damn,” he said. “Well, maybe I can be satisfied with a chocolate croissant.”

  “That I can probably manage.”

  He nodded. “Okay, well, good luck. Gotta run. I’m already late for my meeting.”

  “Thanks,” I said. I rolled up the window and watched him drive off with a quick wave goodbye. I’d managed to escape without either of us bringing up the fact that we hadn’t spoken in more than a week. It was what I wanted, though, right?

  Maybe we’d slipped into Cassidy-and-Will territory, flirting whenever we saw each other, and nothing more. I brushed the thought aside. It was too depressing.

  My first day on the job, Cassidy tried to be patient. Maybe she was showing off for Will a little, too; we were the only three behind the counter. Apparently, Janine was the one who’d quit, which made me wonder if that meant she and Will had called it quits as well, but I couldn’t ask while he was in earshot.

  Cassidy spent a couple of hours teaching me how to use the register, brew coffee, make a shot of espresso, and a few other things. I was so distracted that I gave almost every customer the wrong change and burned myself three times by over-pouring the cup. The result: a scalding splash on my hand whenever I put the lid on. My skin had turned red in the crook between my thumb and forefinger.

  When I spilled a full cup of coffee, I nearly lost it. My eyes began to water. Cassidy quickly waved Will over to cover for us and pulled me aside.

  “What’s going on?” she whispered. “You seem really off. Is Audrey okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, she’s fine. I’m sorry, I’m just nervous.”

  “Why? Wait, did Samir give you the ‘three strikes’ line?” Cassidy asked with a reassuring smirk.

  “Yeah,” I said. I hadn’t talked about Raf with her lately and I didn’t want to get into it, so this was a handy excuse. “You’ve heard it?”

  Cassidy glanced at Will, who must have been eavesdropping, because they shared a laugh. “Samir is big on sports analogies. He hardly ever gets them right. But the point is, he’s never actually fired anyone. He’s a good guy.”

  I felt a little better, but I was still a little shaky. “Okay, but maybe you should still show me again how to make a shot of espresso.”

  “You should have Will show you,” she said. “Now’s a good time; there’s no line. Besides, customers always look relieved to see him on the bar instead of me.”

  He shook his head. “Doubtful.”

  “You think I don’t see it?” she teased. “I’m bad at making espresso, not blind.”

  “Are you sure?” he said dryly. “Because somehow you always overfill the filter and get dark, bitter shots.”

  “You can be on the bar the rest of the night then,” Cassidy said, disappearing into the back room.

  I tried not to groan at how obvious they were being. Best just to concentrate on not screwing up anymore. With Cassidy gone, Will showed me how much espresso should go in the filter, how to tamp it down hard enough, and what to do when the filter got stuck in the machine (which was: pull it harder).

  “So, um, you know Janine quit, right?” he said. “That’s why Samir needed a replacement so quickly.”

  “Yeah, Cassidy told me.”

  “We kind of broke up is why,” he added quietly.

  “Oh,” I said, shooting daggers from my eyes in Cassidy’s direction as she emerged through the swinging double doors. I’d figured as much, but leave it to her to omit the most important detail. “Well, I’m sorry.”

  Will shrugged off my apology. “All for the best. Refill the espresso beans in the grinders, okay?”

  I got the hint. When Cassidy was within earshot, there was to be no talk of Janine.

  By the end of my first shift, I had learned three other things: pulling those espresso filter things in and out was hard work, the steam wand was way hotter than you’d expect (and so was the steam), and I was going to need to buy black jeans and sneakers. Despite the apron, my jeans were streaked with brown drips, and the toes of my Converse were covered in a thin film of coffee grounds.

  When I finally got into my car that night and sat down for the first time since my dinner break, my feet throbbed so hard I thought my shoes might pop right off. I pulled down the visor to look at myself in the mirror and was unsurprised to find that I had coffee grounds in my bangs, no doubt from wiping sweat from my brow, and there was a streak of mocha syrup down one cheek.

  Cassidy was waiting in her car for me to follow her to her house. I was going to spend the night, away from the watchful eyes of my parents and the possibility of running into Raf. He had sent another text that afternoon saying that it was good to see me. And that he was holding my copy of Watchmen hostage until I hung out with him again. I didn’t know how to respond, so I stuck to my policy of silence. It wasn’t an easy policy to follow.

  “Why don’t you just go for it with Raf?” Cassidy asked me as we sat on her bed that night, staring at our phones.

  “Why don’t you just go for it with Will?” I shot back.

  “I don’t know,” she said. She hid her face behind a curtain of blonde curls. “He acts like he doesn’t care about me. Now that Janine’s gone, he’s making me work more closing shifts, and he’s always there, like, watching over my shoulder. I know I’m not great at my job, but I don’t need a babysitter. You know?”

  I gave her a look that probably mirrored hers when she told me that Raf liked me. “He’s making you stay late because he wants to get you alone at closing time.”

  “No way,” she said. “He’s my manager. And he’s in college. He goes to UDC part-time. Actually, it’s pretty cool. He’s getting a degree in . . .” Her voice trailed off. “Jesus. I really sound like I have a crush on him, don’t I?”

  We both burst out laughing.

  Morgan knocked loudly on the wall. “Stop talking so loud!” she yelled from her room.

  Cassidy rolled her eyes and got up to go deal with The Nuisance, but I put a hand on her arm to stop her.

  “Just let it go,” I said. “Let’s go drown our sorrows in ice cream.”

  Eight Months Ago

  When Mike called that day, I could hear in his voice that something was wrong. He asked to come over for a little while, when normally he would have just texted me to say that he was already on his way.

  My parents were playing golf, so I told him he could come over. When he got to the house, he rang the doorbell. He hadn’t done that since the homecoming dance that fall. He’d brought me a corsage, but he knew Audrey didn’t have a date, so he’d brought one for her, too. She’d kept it next to
her mirror, dried and hanging upside down.

  But that day, he came only with his guilt, his head hanging, his shoulders slumped. Full of shame, he asked me to sit next to him on the front stoop. I think it was easier for him to admit what he’d done when we weren’t face-to-face.

  “Last night, at the party, I kissed someone,” he said.

  My ears got hot first, as if they’d been burned by the information. The heat traveled to my cheeks, then down my neck to my chest. The tears that slid from my eyes should’ve turned to steam.

  I didn’t know what to say. I was so shocked that any words got stuck in my throat on the way out.

  “Who?” I finally managed to whisper.

  He didn’t want to tell me at first, but I glared at him until he did. “Sofia,” he said, adding quickly, “but it wasn’t her fault.”

  “So it was yours?”

  Mike’s face turned pale. “No! It was just . . . we were drunk, and she was flirting, and I got confused. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “How could you do this?” I said. “Do you want to break up?” My heart ached just saying those words.

  “No!” he said, kneeling on the asphalt in front of me, his hands on my knees. “I don’t want to break up. I just . . .” His voice trailed off as he slumped to the ground.

  “What, Mike?” I said. Sobbed, really.

  “You didn’t know me before I came to DC, but I wasn’t someone that girls wanted to hook up with. I was overweight and smart and I read comics. No one was interested . . . until I started playing lacrosse in seventh grade. You’re the first girl I’d ever kissed.”

  He wasn’t looking at me, and his eyes were glued to the concrete stairs, but I let my face register my shock anyway. He had never mentioned that, not in the many hours we had spent making out. But that didn’t change the fact that he’d cheated.

  “So what?” I said.

  “So I love you,” he practically shouted. He was on his knees in front of me, begging, but I had pride. I wasn’t giving in. Yet.

  My silence rankled him.

  “This wouldn’t have happened if you’d just come to the party with me last night,” he said resentfully as he sat back on his heels.

  A flash of rage burned through me. “Are you kidding me?” I yelled. “Are you saying this is my fault?”

  He winced and started to backtrack. “No! I just wish you would come out with me more. Can you blame me for wanting to be with you all the time?”

  He was good, I’d give him that.

  “I don’t want to look at you,” I said. I closed my eyes and dropped my head into my hands. “You should leave.”

  I should have screamed at him. I should have made a huge scene out there on the lawn. I should have dumped him right then.

  But I didn’t want to break up. I was in love, but more than that, I didn’t want to go back to the way my life was before him. Before I had plans on the weekend—even if I didn’t always go through with them. Before I had someone to tell me I was beautiful. The way Mike looked at me was intoxicating, like I was someone worth looking at.

  But that didn’t change the way the hurt had started to burrow a hole in my chest. Or how that hole widened when I looked at him.

  He nodded and stood up, and we awkwardly stood around for a minute, unsure how to end this.

  “I love you,” he said again. And then he got in his car and drove away.

  Chapter Twelve

  Over the next few days, I worked several more shifts and slept at Cassidy’s after each one. Her house felt so normal—full of noise and the smells of dinner cooking—it was the ideal escape from my empty, silent house.

  When I finally stopped by the hospital, the nurses greeted me like it had been weeks since I’d been there, not a few days. Mom and Audrey were working with the hospital’s speech therapist, but I hesitated in the hall. I could hear Audrey struggling with certain sounds. I watched through the doorway as the therapist held up flashcards and Audrey tried to remember and pronounce each word.

  Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. Watching her struggle was too painful. I pasted a big, fake smile on my face and cleared my throat. I felt like I was doing her a favor when I interrupted.

  Audrey’s face broke into a lopsided smile—a genuine one.

  “Hi, Harley,” she said slowly.

  “Good work, honey,” Mom said, as if she were talking to Floyd.

  I couldn’t help cringing. Luckily, Mom didn’t notice.

  “Hey, Audy. I just stopped by to bring you some clean clothes.” I pulled her favorite sweatpants and a hoodie out of my bag, along with a few T-shirts. “Hope you don’t mind that I went into your room.”

  Audrey looked relieved. Mom had bought her half a dozen new nightgowns to replace the gowns the hospital provided. Audrey had been hooked up to a catheter for a month, so the open bottom was necessary. But they were supposedly going to take out the catheter that afternoon, provided she could manage getting into a wheelchair and into the bathroom, or at least raise herself up enough to use a bedpan. No wonder this was the happiest I’d seen her. Not just about the catheter, but because the floral flannel nightgowns Mom had bought made her look about ten years old.

  “I have to get to work,” I said. “Fingers crossed you get to pee on your own today!”

  Audrey grinned. The speech therapist stifled a laugh. Mom, on the other hand, looked annoyed. She followed me out to the hallway.

  “Harley, this job at the coffee shop is taking up a lot of your time,” she said. “I’ve barely seen you this last week.”

  “Mom, you told me to get a summer job, remember?” I said. I leaned against the wall and examined my fingernails so I wouldn’t have to look at her. I was avoiding the hospital, and Audrey, and she knew it.

  “Yes, but I wanted you to have something more flexible. Your sister is being moved to rehab soon. We’ll all need to be there to help her and support her so that she can come home.”

  Steeling myself, I looked up. “She’s stronger than you think. She’ll be okay if I’m not there to watch her every minute.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “That she might want to take care of herself again!” I said. My voice was louder than I intended. “That she might want that more than we know.”

  Mom blinked, as if I’d spoken to her in a foreign language. “I just don’t understand,” she said, reaching out for me. I shifted away from her hands. “You were here every day while she was unconscious, but now that she’s awake, you can barely spend more than five minutes with her.”

  I tried to breathe past the knot forming in my chest. “I’m just busy, Mom.” I didn’t add the next thought, which was, At least I didn’t run for a bottle of whiskey.

  She eyed me wearily, but she knew my stubbornness better than anyone. Pushing wasn’t going to help.

  “Fine,” she said. “But come right home tonight. No sleeping at Cassidy’s again.”

  I sighed but nodded. Then I leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Pass that on to Audy for me,” I said.

  I was intently focused on the carafe I was wiping down when someone cleared his throat. I looked up into the wide, dark eyes of Ryan Carter, Mike’s best friend. Weird: I’d spent a large chunk of the last two years with this guy, but I hadn’t thought of him once since the accident. Maybe it was easier to break up with Mike—and his world—than I’d ever anticipated.

  “Hey, Harley,” he said. “I didn’t know you were working here, too.” He gave Cassidy a wave, and she smiled and waved back.

  “Only for about a week,” I said. My voice was tight.

  An awkward silence followed. I wondered whether I was supposed to ask him what he wanted to order or keep making small talk. Ryan wasn’t a jerk or anything. We’d even had fun together. Sometimes. Maybe I missed him a little.


  “So, iced coffee?” I asked.

  “Oh, right, um, large,” he said. “Room for milk.”

  “Yeah, I remember,” I said without thinking. I’d seen Ryan drink about three hundred iced coffees since I’d known him. It was his drink of choice whether it was ninety or nineteen degrees outside.

  “Of course,” he said. “Just don’t ruin it with sugar the way you poison your own coffee.”

  All at once I remembered a lame inside joke we’d shared. Mike, Ryan, and I had always treated “coffee” like the fourth person in our group. Just so Ryan wouldn’t feel like a third wheel. We were always a foursome, thanks to Ryan’s date, Iced Coffee. Then he met Connie. How convenient: her name rhymed with coffee.

  I smiled to myself as I put ice in his cup.

  “How’s your sister doing?” he asked.

  The smile slid from my face. “She’s good. She’s awake, and they’re talking about moving her to a rehab facility. So, as good as could be expected, I guess.”

  He nodded, his own face growing serious. “I’m really glad to hear it,” he said. “I’ve always liked Audrey.”

  I swallowed. It was time to acknowledge the elephant in the room. “So, how’s Mike? Have you seen him?”

  He raised his eyebrows.

  “What? One of us had to bring him up.”

  Ryan shook his head. “No, he’s not really allowed to talk to me from rehab.”

  I nodded. That made sense. “But he told you . . .”

  “Yeah, he told me that you dumped him. And honestly, I’m surprised it took you so long.”

  Right. There was that familiar stab of guilt in my gut.

  “So, hey,” Ryan said, “the guys and I are having a party tonight, if you want to come?” He added hastily, “No drinking or anything.”

  “Wait, really?” I said, turning my head so quickly that I almost spilled the pitcher of cold brew I was pouring. “You guys aren’t drinking anymore?”

  Ryan nodded. He looked me straight in the eye. “Yeah. Mike’s accident was kind of a wake-up call for us all. Or most of us anyway.”