Greatest Hits Mysteries Boxed Set (Books 1-4)

by Langtry, Leslie

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Male Muppet: “Mah nah mah nah.”

  Female Muppets: “Doo doo, de doo doo!”

  Male Muppet: “Mah nah mah nah.”

  Female Muppets: “Doo doo doo doo!”

  Male muppet: “Mah nah mah nah.”

  Female Muppets: “Doo doo, de doo doo, de doo doo, de doo doo doo de doo doo doo doo doo!”

  - Sesame Street

  Of course, things looked different in the cold light of morning than they had the night before. At least, this is what Paris and I thought as we stood in front of the costume department in the Magic Kingdom.

  How did we find it? It wasn’t easy. There are no maps to show the secret employee hideouts. And the slight hangover from the night before didn’t really put Paris and me in the best mood. Eventually, Paris managed to find a bribable cast member. The one hundred-dollar bill and the elaborate story he gave Snow White about how he planned to propose to his girlfriend by surprising her in costume helped.

  The entrance to the costume warehouse was cleverly disguised as a wall. We’d convinced the family to stop for a snack while Paris and I surveilled the place. After an eternity (do you know it is nearly impossible to eat a batch of french fries very, very slowly? I was so hungry I practically ate my own fingers in the process) the wall opened and Buzz Lightyear popped out. Within seconds, he was mobbed by kids, and we had our answer.

  Because we had no way of getting det cord, Coney volunteered to set us up. When we got back to our rooms that night, a comatose Louis slung over my shoulder, we found a Disney bag filled with everything we needed.

  I nudged Louis awake, against his will, and handed him over to Todd with the lie that he wanted to sleep with their son, Woody. Whether they bought it or not, Liv and her husband accepted my boy wordlessly and tucked the two kids in together.

  Paris and I waited until we heard everyone in the adjoining rooms go to bed before slipping into our Mission Impossible gear. We’d gotten too far to have Gin and Liv bust us just to borrow aspirin.

  As we sat there silently in the darkness feeling like idiots, my mind started to wander. Before this trip, I’d never been to Disney World before. Sure, I knew it was hailed as the happiest place on earth, but when the plane landed in Orlando, I thought it would be just like any other theme park.

  I was wrong – and I don’t admit that very often. Something about the place from the minute we checked into our hotel told me to relax, have fun, that time didn’t matter here. The kids whooped and hollered, and the adults all seemed to have this goofy grin on our faces. I started to think that for once, maybe the Bombay Family could be like any other family. Maybe we could pretend we were normal people. What would that be like?

  Of course then I remembered that we weren’t like any other family on vacation to Disney World. We came here with a purpose other than meeting Mickey Mouse. We came here to kill him.

  There were two ways to handle the situation. The Magic Kingdom was technically shut down for the night, but we knew there was a whole crew of employees who worked through the night to scrape gum off the ground, weed the flowers and basically make it look like there weren’t 40,000 people there the day before. We could either disguise ourselves as maintenance people or sneak in. I didn’t want to work that hard – so we donned our ski masks and black clothes for the job.

  Breaking into the Magic Kingdom isn’t as easy as you might think. But I’d hardly be professionally responsible if I divulged their secrets, so suffice it to say, Paris and I made it into the park and to the warehouse undetected.

  I truly admire the way Disney World operates. Paris and I had planned on being there for several hours. That’s how it usually works. We’d have to find the costume, confirm that Garth would be wearing it and when, and dodge staff.

  That’s why it was such a surprise to find a clipboard hanging from Mickey Mouse’s suit with Garth’s name on it as the first one to wear it the next day. The clipboard confirmed he would be in Toontown. Damn. Disney should branch out into the assassination business. They could lure bad guys to the park and take them out and clean up afterwards so no one would ever know. Maybe I should talk to Grandma about that – bring them on as a subcontractor.

  “That was way too easy,” Paris said quietly once we made it back to our room. He pulled off his stealth clothes and climbed into pajamas. I did a cartoon double-take. Were those sock monkeys on his jammies? How did I not notice this before? My amusement at all things Paris was starting to turn into concern.

  “But maybe the Fates are cutting us some slack after the bear job.” He added as he slid under the covers.

  I ran my hands through my hair. “I hope so. I don’t want to blow up the wrong guy tomorrow.”

  I looked in the mirror with curiosity. My reflection told me my cool was slipping away. My hair looked messy, not styled, and my eyes looked tired, not full of fun. This job was getting to me. And I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

  Paris rolled over in his bed. “We won’t. It’s all set. Then there’s just one more.” His breathing began to slow and I realized he was asleep.

  I also realized that I was bone tired. Maybe I was getting too old for this shit. No, I told myself, it’s just having to kill so many people in so short a time. No one’s ever had to do that before in the Family.

  I’d never been the sort of guy who looked for answers in his life. To me, killing people was just something I was good at. I had no qualms with the assholes I took out. It helped that I knew they were inherently bad people. I slept okay at night.

  Gin had a run-in with conscience when she hooked up with Diego. Taking down your bodyguard boyfriend’s client will do that to you. Liv got off on taking out neo-conservatives. Paris didn’t seem bothered.

  Coney popped into my mind and I thought that maybe the reason he was so drawn to philosophy was to find a way to make sense of it all. I never had much use for philosophy, unless it helped me score with some chick.

  I rolled over and stared at the wall. This line of thought was stupid. Garth, Munch, Dutch and Lowe were assassins. They didn’t have the family tradition we had and as I’d learned with each of them – they were stone-cold killers, taking out innocent people. Hell, Garth had taken out a kid for profit! I hung on to that thought for a moment. They were killers.

  But so was I. Christ, I thought, I’m getting nowhere with this. Stop analyzing! Just do the job and get the hell out of Orlando. One more job and our competition would be wiped out.

  I thought about Coney and his pursuit of answers. Suddenly my shallowness didn’t seem so stupid. Life in the Bombay Family was definitely better if you didn’t try to face all your demons – even if he was a cute rodent wearing red pants and a killer smile.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  “It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes.”

  - Agent Rogersz, Repo Man

  Toontown was crowded, which was good. It’s easy to get lost in a crowd. Unfortunately there would be a lot of witnesses too, but that couldn’t be helped.

  The whole family was waiting in line to see Mickey Mouse and Chip and Dale. And even though I should’ve kept my mind on the job, I had to wonder if anyone knew who Chip and Dale were. I mean, come on! I’m thirty-seven and I barely remember their cartoons as a kid.

  Louis, Romi, Alta and Woody were waiting to see the damned chipmunks. Paris and I made sure they’d already met Mickey earlier, so they wouldn’t feel robbed of that special experience when he imploded. If we’d rigged the shape charges right, there’d be a noise, and Mickey would collapse to the floor with no mess. We’d hustle the kids out so they didn’t see the Garth soup inside the costume.

  As we stepped up for the kids to meet the chipmunks, I nodded slightly at Paris. He, in turn, took out his cell phone and aimed it at the kids as if he was going to take a picture. Only he and I knew, that we were actually triggering the mechanism that would blow up a beloved Disney character/National Resources assassin.

/>   Paris waited until Mickey was alone and pressed the button.

  There was a muffled explosive sound, kind of like, “Ffffoooom,” and the Mickey Mouse head shot into the air, hitting the ceiling. Mickey’s body fell to the floor backwards, thankfully hiding what was left of Garth’s head.

  Some people noticed the noise; others didn’t seem to register it. The Mickey head (sans the ears – apparently they were blown off) came down in front of Chip and Dale, who because of difficulties seeing through their costumes, thought some kid had thrown them a large beach ball. Thus, to my amazement and everyone else’s horror, they started tossing the battered head back and forth.

  The cast member who was handling Mickey screamed and suddenly, everything came back to the present. Paris and I faked shock as we dragged our family out of the barn and outside. Three of the kids looked stunned. Louis, however, was frowning. I didn’t have time to worry about it as Paris and I hustled everyone onto the Lilly Belle train for our getaway.

  The train seemed like a good idea when we planned it. It runs the perimeter of the park to the front entrance. No fighting through crowds, no walking. Easy right? We’d be out of Toontown before security arrived.

  Do you know how slow that damned train is? I felt like an idiot, trying to get away from the scene of the crime on a vehicle that goes “toot! toot!” at four miles per hour.

  Looking at everyone in the group, it seemed that the kids managed relatively unscathed. Diego told them that Mickey wasn’t feeling well, so he fainted but was okay. Todd backed this up with a funny story about something including a rhinoceros and a Pomeranian. Romi and Alta bought it. Woody wisely kept his mouth shut, and Louis was staring at me.

  Actually, so were Gin and Liv. Well, they weren’t exactly staring so much as trying to kill us with a look. I wondered if you could really do that? It would be so much more effective. I’d have to talk to Missi.

  After what seemed like ten hours, we made it to the entrance and hopped on the monorail to the hotel. Gin and Liv had their arms crossed over their chests and were still glaring at Paris and me. I was pretty sure they’d figured out what happened.

  We hadn’t discussed the job with them. In fact, they knew we’d been working on a Council assignment but never asked about it. From the looks on their faces, our sisters knew now.

  Todd and Diego seemed to know something was up, because they volunteered to take the kids to the pool. Liv and Gin followed us to our room, not saying a word and definitely not invited. Paris and I tolerated it because we didn’t know what else to do.

  “You killed Mickey Mouse?” Gin hissed before the door had fully closed.

  “I don’t believe this!” Liv threw her hands up in the air. “That’s why we’re on this trip, isn’t it?”

  “How could you drag your family into this?” Gin was on a tear.

  “Now, hold on,” Paris said, his hands up and forming a barrier between him and his angry sister. “This is just a job. And it’s not like the Bombays don’t know that.”

  I nodded. “You used to do this for a living, remember? The rest of us didn’t get retirement.”

  And that was when Gin slapped me across the face. At least it wasn’t a right cross.

  “You could’ve told us! We could’ve taken the kids somewhere else!” Liv shouted.

  “No, we needed them to be there,” Paris said simply.

  Oh shit. Here it comes.

  “You used the kids as your cover!” Gin said through her teeth. “How could you do that to them?”

  Liv had a dangerous look in her eyes and for once I thought my earth-mother cousin was going to kill us.

  “Okay,” I conceded, “it was wrong. We know that. But the Council ordered us to get the job done. We had no choice.”

  Gin shook her head. “I don’t buy it. You could have found another way.”

  “I can’t believe you’d drag Louis into this!” Liv said.

  “Louis has to begin his training too, like your kids,” Paris said slowly. “It’s not like we have an option to exclude them.”

  Gin crossed her arms over her chest again. I was a little nervous she might have shoulder holsters on. “What about Todd and Diego? You didn’t need to drag them into it.”

  I sat down on the edge of the bed. I had nothing. While I was happy to have four of the five hits done, there was something in what she said that made me feel guilty.

  “Well, it’s over now,” Paris said with a sigh.

  “Maybe you should tell us exactly what ‘it is.” Liv folded her arms too.

  So, we told them everything. How five people ranging from Gin’s oral surgeon to Mickey Mouse were dangerous assassins who kill innocent people, including children. We might have played up the danger a bit by saying they were coming after the Bombays. But that could’ve been true. Gin had known about Munch by being there. What she didn’t know was that we had to take out a whole company.

  Liv and Gin listened carefully, still glowering – which, by the way, was not a good look for them. I toyed with telling them that at their age they can’t afford new wrinkles, but a strong sense of self-preservation told me this wasn’t the time.

  No one spoke for a few moments, which, I must admit, made me a little nervous. If I hadn’t had a son depending on me, I do believe Gin and Liv would’ve killed us on the spot.

  “Well,” Gin said grudgingly, “I still don’t think you had to handle the last one this way.”

  Liv reacted differently. “You were chased by a hungry bear?” The edges of her mouth seemed to struggle not to burst out laughing.

  “It wasn’t my fault!” Paris whined. “Dak had lousy aim.”

  “Yeah, but you screamed like Romi on Space Mountain.” I had to smile, remembering that.

  “Go to hell,” Paris said half-heartedly.

  “I’m sure we’ll all be there some day.” Gin scowled. “I do wish I could’ve seen what happened at the zoo. It would’ve made for great blackmail material. I’d love to hold that over you for the rest of your life.”

  We spent the last night at Disney World quietly. Dinner at the restaurant on top of the Contemporary followed by one last fireworks show over the Magic Kingdom. Louis was very quiet and I wondered if he was just exhausted or worried about the man in the Mickey Mouse suit.

  First thing in the morning we all packed up and headed to the airport. It took a long time to get through security and I wondered why I didn’t think of chartering our private jet. By the end of the day, we were back in the Midwest.

  “All set, champ?” I sat on Louis’ bed that night.

  He nodded solemnly. “Thanks for the trip, Dad. I really liked it. Well, except for when Mickey Mouse’s head blew off. But I loved the rest of it.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. Obviously, my kid was smart enough to know that an explosion had occurred. I kissed him on the forehead and tucked him in.

  “So, why did you do it?” he asked casually.

  “Do what?” My palms started to sweat.

  “Kill Mickey Mouse,” Louis said. “I saw Paris use his cell phone to do it.” His big eyes were hard on mine, and I was pretty sure my spleen burst. How the hell did he figure it out? For once, I thought maybe it wasn’t so great to have a smart kid.

  “You’re not answering me,” Louis frowned.

  So I did what millions of parents have done over thousands of years. I bluffed. “What makes you think we killed Mickey Mouse?”

  My son rolled his eyes at me (okay, so my poker face had abandoned me). “It wasn’t Mickey Mouse – just a man in a suit. And it was pretty obvious. Have you been an assassin for very long?”

  It felt like Louis’s words were pummeling me. I couldn’t lie to the kid, at least, not now. I had no experience in handling this. My dad-learning curve was pretty short.

  “All right,” I sat up a little straighter, “it’s time you knew the truth about the Bombay Family.”

  Two hours and an entire stuffed-crust cheese pizza later, Louis knew his f
amily history. He took it well, considering he just found out he’d be doing contract kills for the rest of his life.

  “That explains why everyone is so rich and no one works.” Louis chewed his pizza thoughtfully. “It’s bad guys, right?”

  “Well, that’s the story for the most part,” I responded. “They don’t really give us a dossier on each hit. We assume the Council knows what it’s doing.”

  “And I have to start my training?” Louis looked a little perplexed.

  “Soon.” I stole a look at the clock. “But right now you have to get some sleep. It’s very late. Oh, and Louis?” I hesitated. “We don’t talk about this outside the Bombay Family.”

  My kid nodded, then used his pajama sleeve as a napkin and curled up to sleep.

  I hit the bottle of scotch in the kitchen. I felt like I’d just unleashed hell on the world. That’s ridiculous. Louis would be a perfect killer. He’d research everything and be completely careful.

  It surprised me how well he took the news. Maybe the fact that he knew his cousins were dealing with this helped. He was only six. There was plenty of time to deal with the ramifications. I didn’t think I had to worry about seeing any Junie B. books called, I Was a First-Grade Assassin.

  Eventually, I went to sleep where I dreamed of exploding Disney characters.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  “The extreme always seems to make an impression.”

  - J.D., Heathers

  After dropping my soon-to-be-lethal son at school, I called Leonie and set up a date for that night. Mom told me the minute we got back that she was babysitting – no matter what. I figured Louis would have a million questions about family and that Mom was the perfect person to answer them.