Three's A Charm

by Robyn Peterman

  Holy Goddess in a bad B horror movie, I had totally made that shit up. I didn’t know if Marge was lying or if I was correct, but I didn’t care. If I was going into a fight for my life and the lives of my children, I wanted Sassy right next to me. She was insane enough to make it work or at least confuse the crap out of Endora as I went in for the kill.

  “So be it,” the awful woman snarled. “Tomorrow. At the witching hour. Here. Enjoy your last day on earth.”

  “You do the same,” I snapped as she disappeared in a massive blast of lime green smoke and glitter.

  “Someone find Baba Yaga. Now,” Mac roared as Jeeves, Marge and Bermangoggleshitz jumped to attention.

  “Will you be okay without us here?” Marge asked worriedly.

  “Will Endora be back tonight?” I asked.

  “No,” Marge said. “She’ll wait until the Witching Hour tomorrow. She has more strength then—as do you.”

  “Sassy are you tired?” I asked, pacing the room and trying to think.

  “Nope.”

  “Good. Mac and Jeeves, you stay with the babies. Marge and Roy, go find my dad and Baba Yaga. I’m going to call in Wanda, Simon and the rest of the gang for backup. Sassy, you’re coming with me. You’re gonna help me get a grip on my dark doodoo or else we’ll end up with a pool the size of a small ocean in the backyard.”

  “Sounds good to me,” she said, saluting me. “Just let me get some Windex. I think it might help.”

  Mac took me in his arms and held me tight. “You can do this,” he whispered. “I believe in you. I trust you. I love you and I choose you.”

  “I love you more,” I whispered back.

  “Not possible,” he said with a grin. “Go make that dark doodoo your bitch. You’ve got this.”

  “Everyone know what they’re doing?” I asked as Sassy ran back into the room with three bottles of window cleaner and her notebook.

  A chorus of yesses rang out and I nodded. I sure as hell wished I did…

  “Bussshit!” Henry shouted and clapped his hands. “Mama.”

  “Mama,” Audrey seconded. “Wuv Mamma.”

  My eyes watered and I kissed their sweet, smiling faces. “Mama loves you too.”

  And I was going to prove it.

  Chapter Seventeen

  It was four in the morning and we were both exhausted. I’d gotten so pissed at myself, I’d almost taken a swig of Windex. I mean, if Sassy was so keen on the blue crap maybe it would help. Thankfully the smell of it made me rethink that stupid plan of action.

  “Maybe the Assjacket Country Club should be in your backyard,” Sassy suggested, trying to find something positive about the sad fact I’d blasted holes for six Olympic sized swimming pools.

  “I have to learn to control this—there’s no other choice. I mean maybe I could blast a hole in Endora, but my aim is so off I don’t know what I’d hit,” I said, feeling desperate.

  “Maybe if you just give her twenty sets of knockers, the weight of them would make her keep falling flat on her face. It would give you an advantage.”

  I stared at her with my mouth open—no words would come out. She just grinned. Sassy was totally serious. It was the worst idea I’d ever heard. However, I tucked it into the backup plan area in my brain. If all else failed I would give Operation Booby a shot.

  “Do you even know what a challenge entails?” I asked her.

  Sassy was appalled by my question. “Holy shit! You have to wear a tail?”

  “No, dude,” I said with a half-assed eye roll. I was too tired to make it really good. “What exactly do I do during a challenge?”

  Sassy paused and then shrugged. “We probably should have asked Marge that question before she took off. We might be a little fucked here.”

  “Ya think?” I snapped.

  “Do you have to use magic? I mean your enchantment balance is totally off. Not sure if you can win a challenge—whatever the fark a challenge even is.”

  That gave me pause. Did I have to use magic? My balance was totally screwed. Even my light magic was wonked.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “It is my house. Maybe I can make my own rules.”

  It was a long shot, but desperate times called for insane measures.

  “How about a cuss off? You would totally win that,” she suggested.

  Caught between feeling total terror and complete helplessness, I laughed. My certifiable BFF could lighten even the most horrific moments. The thought of having a cuss off with Endora was absurd. However, I filed that sucker away as well.

  We sat in silence and stared at the moon and the millions of glittering stars in the sky. The cool evening breeze smelled sweet and clean. It tickled my nose and brought a small sad smile to my lips. How in the Goddess’s name could there be such beauty when my world was crashing around my ears?

  “Are you opposed to kinda, sorta bending the rules?” Sassy asked.

  I considered her question long and hard. I was totally opposed to cheating—or bending the rules. I hated cheaters, but… the lives of my children were at stake. I would die for them. Why wouldn’t I bend the rules for them?

  “Explain,” I said.

  “It involves me cooking,” Sassy said with an evil little grin. “And it might not work.”

  “Go on,” I told her. Sassy couldn’t cook to save her life. I didn’t want to begin to imagine what culinary disaster she was going to suggest. Poisoning Endora with a Sassy cake would be a really fucking long shot. It wasn’t like we were going to sit down to tea before we blasted or cussed the shit out of each other.

  “Go on,” I told her again.

  And Sassy went on.

  And I smiled. I was fairly sure what she was proposing wasn’t even cheating. It might be a little bendy, but…

  It was a potentially shitty plan, but we were two witches who already had criminal records for relatively minor offenses… and everything to lose.

  “Should we practice some of that chair ninja shit Marge was doing?” Sassy asked. “We don’t need magic for that.”

  Being desperate, I would have said yes to almost any alternative at the moment. If I really could make the rules, maybe there could be a magicless round…

  “Yep,” I agreed. “Your brilliance is showing this evening.”

  Sassy’s smile was wide as she conjured up two chairs and some rope. We spent the next three hours mastering The Marge as we named it. It wasn’t as pretty as what Marge had done to Roy, but we were pretty damn scary with our chairs when we finished—not to mention severely bruised and sore. But I felt more confident. Bermangoggleshitz had said that a split second could be the difference between life and death.

  I was ready… I hoped. If the split second presented itself, I was gonna take it.

  Our entire house was surrounded by Shifters wearing kilts. It was mind-boggling. Even the women were wearing them. The sea of ruffled lime green and orange plaid was so alarming it made me laugh with joy. My beautiful people had unknowingly created a heinous eyesore that might come in handy.

  The babies were tucked safely inside the house. Mac’s brother Jacob was guarding them, along with Wanda, Simon and DeeDee. I felt good about that. They weren’t witches, but the sheer brute power they had between them was enormous. When shifted and in deer form, DeeDee’s hind legs could kick someone into the next town. Simon’s skunk could temporarily blind someone with his noxious aroma and Jacob’s werewolf was as vicious as Mac’s could be. Wanda was organized and clever. In her raccoon form, she could move like lightning and her fangs were like needles.

  The Goddess had gifted Mac with an affinity for the earth and he had magically filled in most of the craters I’d blasted into our backyard. He’d left the biggest one and a few small ones intact after Sassy threw a huge shit fit and begged him. She didn’t want to have to start her design plans over. Mac was a little iffy about having such a large pool and so many hot tubs, but gave in when he saw how much the kids and I wanted it. He was a keeper.

>   I just hoped I was alive tomorrow to keep him.

  Sassy and Jeeves had spent the entire day in my kitchen. There had been three small fires and the top of the range had completely melted. Sassy had repaired all the damage with a wiggle of her nose and screamed like a freakin’ banshee when she’d finally felt she’d gotten the recipe correct. It smelled awful, but I wasn’t going to complain.

  When we’d explained our plan, Mac and Jeeves agreed in a hot second. Jeeves also said that in no way were we cheating. Using our Goddess given gifts was what we were supposed to do to keep our people safe. And that was a very good thing. We had found my very dusty and underused Book of Spells that clearly stated any cheating in a challenge automatically disqualified the cheater. However, the stupid book didn’t exactly explain what a challenge was.

  Fucking. Awesome.

  I just prayed our plan worked.

  It was eleven PM and there was still no sign of Baba Yaga, Fabio, Marge, Bermangoggleshitz or my cats. My stomach was in knots and all I could do was pace. With only sixty minutes until the Witching Hour, I was still a freakin’ mess.

  “If I lose… If she kills me, you will take the babies and go into hiding until Baba Yaga and Marge find you. They’ll know what to do. Henry and Audrey can never go to Endora,” I said.

  Mac nodded tersely and paced alongside me. “Should we try this out before Endora arrives?”

  I glanced over at Sassy who shrugged and grabbed a vial. She’d been studying with Marge and knew the secret recipe. Of course she’d needed Jeeves’ expert culinary skills to actually cook it, but the Goddess worked mysteriously. Jeeves and Sassy were meant to be together in all sorts of ways.

  “Do I drink it?” I asked, looking at the green goop.

  “Nope, I sprinkle it on you,” Sassy replied.

  “Not sure we have enough and I don’t know how long it will last,” Jeeves said in a worried tone as he bounced up and down on the balls of his feet. “If we use it now and it wears off, Zelda is in trouble.”

  The green goop in question was, in a sense, our witchy nuclear energy. It was created by Marge with good intentions, but in the wrong hands could be used for horrible evil. As Sassy was to eventually take over Marge’s job creating and spreading the goop to keep the magical balance in the world, she had been taking goop lessons for a few months. It was riskier than hell to use the goop on me in my present state, but again, we were backed up against a wall. My magical balance was fucked and we were hedging our bets that the goop could un-fuck it.

  “Fine,” Mac said with a curt and unhappy nod. “Tell me your plan.”

  “Okay,” I said, unable to stand still. “First, I pull a spell out of my ass and blast a hole the size of a football field in the backyard. I figure that might scare Endora off. Doubtful, but it’s worth a shot. If she wants to have a go at me after that, I tell her that we start with a cuss off. My house. My rules.”

  “I found a bullshit ordinance in the Book of Spells that said all challenges have to start with dialogue. Twelve times out of seven, challenges can be solved without violence. It doesn’t specify if profanity is illegal, so we have that advantage,” Sassy chimed in. “Zelda can cuss like a champion.”

  No one had the energy to point out that her odds were screwy so we didn’t.

  “Right,” I said with a shake of my head and a weak smile. “So I don’t think either of those things will work, but it will buy time.”

  “Buy time for what?” Wanda asked as she gave the babies each a slice of her delicious cheesecake.

  “For me to live a little longer,” I said.

  She nodded nervously and cut herself an enormous piece.

  “So, then if all else fails I’ll conjure up a multitude of mammilla and…”

  “I’m sorry what did you just say?” Mac asked, trying not to laugh.

  None of this was a laughing matter, but I could understand his dilemma. It was kind of humorous.

  “She gives Endora a shitload of boobies all over her body,” Sassy explained. “The weight of the knockers, especially if they are at least triple D’s should make the old bag’s balance as farked up as Zelda’s and then the odds are more even.”

  The room fell silent. I really couldn’t blame them.

  “Look,” I snapped. “I realize the plan isn’t great, but it’s all I’ve got right now. I’m not giving up, so I’m working with what I have. You feel me? If any of you have a better idea, let’s hear it now.”

  Simon, Jacob, Wanda, DeeDee, Jeeves and Mac stayed quiet. They were either still digesting the horrifying scheme or they had nothing to add to make it better.

  “Holes Mamma,” Henry shouted with cheesecake all over his face and in his hair.

  “Buzzsit holes,” Audrey squealed as she chucked a hunk of cheesecake at her brother. “Holes. Holes. Holes.”

  Letting my head fall to my chest, I had to agree. The plan was full of holes. A tingle of panic settled in my stomach and spread throughout my body like wildfire. Breathing was difficult and I quickly sat and put my head between my knees.

  I was going to lose. And in losing, the most precious gift I’d ever been given was going to be taken from me. Not okay.

  “We cut our losses and run,” I announced to a stunned room. “I can’t risk my children. I won’t risk my children.”

  Everyone stared at me like I’d grown three heads. I wasn’t one to ever back down from a challenge. I really liked winning and I was as competitive as hell, but this wasn’t a game. My skills were fucked at the moment. I wasn’t even sure I could take someone as powerful as Endora when I was at full power. Right now? It was a suicide mission with unacceptable consequences.

  “We have the green goopy shit,” Sassy reminded me. “I can restore your balance—hopefully. Besides if we run, she’ll come after us and for all we know there’s another asscrapping rule that will screw us even worse.”

  “Sassy is right,” Mac said, squatting down next to me and cupping my chin in his hand. “If witch challenges are similar to Shifter challenges, you lose by default if you don’t accept. Let Sassy restore your balance and you go give that witch a new bra size or four to remember.”

  “Or ten,” Sassy added, checking her watch and dumping the green goop into her hands.

  I held Mac’s gaze and absorbed the love and strength he was sending my way. He loved our babies as much as I did. If he believed in me and trusted me with their lives, then I needed to believe in myself as well.

  “I can do this,” I said, standing up and owning the fact I was about to go out there and give Endora a gazillion gazongas. It wasn’t normal protocol in a magical showdown as far as I knew, but challenging me for my children was every kind of bullshit and it wasn’t going to happen. “Slap me with that goop,” I told Sassy.

  “Now you’re talking,” she shouted as she began to sprinkle the foul smelling formula all over me.

  “Buwshit. Holes,” Henry grunted, pointing at me.

  “Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, holes!” Audrey babbled.

  “I know,” I told them as I kissed their cheesecake-covered cheeks. “The plan has holes, but it’s gonna work. I promise. It has to.”

  “No!” Henry shouted, grabbing my face with his sticky little hands. “Mama gaga holes.”

  It was the longest sentence he’d spoken and I had no clue what he meant. I knew the plan had holes, but it was what it was.

  With a smile that belied the feelings rioting through my entire being, I kissed my babies again and turned to Sassy.

  “You done?” I asked.

  She nodded. “How do you feel?”

  “Clear the room,” I commanded.

  They did. Everyone but Mac and Sassy hightailed it outside.

  Rolling my neck and shoulders, I lifted my hands and pointed at the bottle of Windex across the room. Flicking my pinky finger, a straight stream of magic shot right at it and blew it up, spraying the kitchen with the cleaning liquid.

  “I feel fucking good,” I said w
ith a wide grin. “What time is it?”

  “Five minutes until Witching Hour,” Sassy said.

  “I’ve got this,” I told them with far more confidence than I felt.

  “Yes you do, baby,” Mac said, hugging me tight and giving me a kiss that said more than his words could convey.

  Sassy danced around like a child hopped up on a bag of Halloween candy. She sprinkled the last of the goop over me for good measure and ran to the open door.

  “Should I bring some Windex?” I asked, starting to believe I should really watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

  Mac shrugged, laughed and grabbed an extra bottle. “Can’t hurt.”

  “Absofuckinglutely,” Sassy said. “We’re gonna need it to clean up the mess after you show Endora who’s the boss. And it’s not Tony Danza!”

  Even now, when my whole world was on the line, Sassy made me smile. Silently thanking the Goddess for all my blessings—including Sassy—I prayed for her to be with me.

  I needed all the help I could get.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The first time she’d blasted me, I’d hit a tree so hard I was sure my brains had fallen out of my ear. Never one to let a little brain spillage stop me, I tackled the nasty piece of work and we’d tumbled into the enormous pool hole. At least I’d gotten two good shots in. The left side of her head was bald and she was sporting a few gnarly moles. But it wasn’t looking good for me. Not at all.

  I was fairly accurate in my blasts, but my power felt muted—like I was being drained. The green goop had worked great for about five minutes. Now? Not so much.

  Mac, Sassy and Jeeves stood at the edge of the pool. Mac looked ready to lose his mind. I was well aware that his instinct was to protect me, but he also knew this fight was mine—and mine alone. I gave them a terse nod, to let them know I was okay. I hoped they believed it because I wasn’t real positive about the outcome at the moment.

  “Do you give up yet?” Endora bellowed as what was left of her hair blew wildly around her head. “Hand over the children and I will kill you quickly. Your choice.”