Three's A Charm

by Robyn Peterman

  With your branches, wrap tight the one who is wicked.

  Stop this now, hold her fast so she may be restricted.

  In the Goddess’s name and white magic I bear,

  In you I shall trust to end this affair.

  The trees brought so much wind with them everyone was blown willy-nilly around the yard—but not me and not Endora. In something out of a movie even Tim Burton couldn’t imagine, my trees bound Endora in a grip so firm I was certain her arms and legs would break loose from her body. The magic in the branches extracted her power and held it in a quivering ball nestled in the rustling leaves. Five huge trees trapped her and held her prisoner. Her screams were horrifying and I felt them all the way to my toes.

  “At your bidding,” the enormous oaks murmured.

  I had no clue where the sound had actually come from, as they had no discernable faces or mouths, but I didn’t care. Bowing deep, I paid homage to my new friends.

  “With everything I have and everything I am, I thank you,” I said.

  “At your bidding,” they sang softly and then gagged Endora’s screaming with thousands of enchanted leaves.

  Goddess, I was certainly glad they were on my side…

  The only sounds to be heard now were the soft, heartbroken sobs of Marge and Sassy. My gut clenched and I approached the body of the man that had given his life for my children. Gone were the ugly parts and in their place was pure, unearthly beauty. In his sacrifice, Bermangoggleshitz had truly become good. Glancing up, I searched for his soul. I couldn’t see it anymore. Had he gone on to the Next Adventure already?

  “Bermashitshit sleep,” Henry said, sliding down Mac and crawling over to where Roy lay.

  “No, baby,” I said, squatting down next to my son as he gently ran his chubby hands over Bermangoggleshitz’s slack yet gorgeous face.

  “Pizzess kizzy Shitshits,” Audrey yelled, pointed at Roy. “Buzzshit Cookie.”

  “Bowbite,” Henry added seriously. “Kizzy Shitshits. Okay. Pucker.”

  “Sassy,” I said, feeling like what my kids had said was really fucking important—however, I had no clue what exactly they’d said. “Did you understand that?”

  Sassy eyes were red and swollen with tears. She closed her eyes and reached for Jeeves. Nodding, she tried to speak, but no words came. Her screaming grief had rendered her mute. Son of a bitch. Of all the times for Sassy to be speechless…

  “Marge, read her mind. Now,” I commanded. “Now.”

  I still felt the presence of Roy’s soul, but it was weakening quickly and fading away.

  Marge, put her hands on Sassy’s cheeks and pressed her forehead against hers.

  “The Shitshit isn’t dead. He sleeps and waits for the princess to kiss the Shitshit. Like Snow White. Just kiss the Shitshit and all will be okay. Bullshit cookie. And the last part was either pucker or fucker—Sassy says that could go either way,” Marge said and then jerked back in shock. “Do you think…”

  “Don’t think,” I shouted. “It’s completely overrated. Kissy Shitshits. NOW!”

  And she did.

  I held my breath and prayed to the Goddess for a miracle. We were really due one considering what we’d been through.

  Way too slowly for my shattered sanity, Bermangoggleshitz’s eyes opened. He looked disoriented and confused. His breathing was labored and he was clearly still in pain. His gaze darted around and finally landed on Marge and Sassy. A breathtaking smile pulled at his now beautiful lips and I was grinning so hard my face hurt.

  “Oh my Goddess,” Marge cried out and buried her face in his chest.

  “Thought I was a goner there for a minute,” Roy choked out. His voice was raw and sounded like he’d swallowed glass, but it was beautiful. “Is everyone okay?”

  “Thanks to you, yes,” I said, gently pulling Marge off of him. “I need to do a little work here. I promise I’ll give him back to you in a sec.”

  “Pretty sure my genitals are fine,” Roy whispered with a weak grin. “You can skip that part of the healing.”

  “Thank the Goddess for that small favor,” I shot back with a laugh. “And just so you know, my kids have christened you Shitshit.”

  “I like it,” Bermangoggleshitz said. “It’s certainly better than Crapass.”

  “That’s debatable,” I told him as I touched his chest and closed my eyes.

  I felt my power rise up within me. Relaxing, I let it flow from my body and into his. The pain that shot through me as I healed Bermangoggleshitz was like nothing I’d ever known, but I would have repeated it a thousand times without complaint. Not only did I love Roy Bermangoggleshitz, I would die for him. A little severe, intense, agonizing, fucking stabbing pain was a tiny price to pay for what he had done.

  The split second between life and death was indeed short, but thankfully a second was still an increment of time. Time was a beautiful thing.

  Bermangoggleshitz had given me time—time with my children. Time for my children to grow and become who they were supposed to be. And in turn, my children had given the gift of time right back to Shitshit. He now had the time to love and be loved.

  As the sun rose on the battered inhabitants of Assjacket, we were all a bit worse for wear but had never been so happy. The sun burned the dark sky away and became a brilliant pink. The Goddess sent showers of silver and pink glitter. It rained down and covered us in blessings and love.

  However, the goddess wasn’t quite done. With a bolt of lightning violently opposite to the light magic that surrounded us, Endora was ripped from my trees and sucked into a tornado-like vortex.

  The Goddess wasn’t fucking around—at all.

  “Good riddance to bad rubbish,” Baba Yaga whispered as she clung to my father for support.

  It was an accurate and succinct statement. I couldn’t have said it better myself. However, it might have been stronger with some profanity thrown in.

  “How did you call the trees?” Mac asked as he wrapped his strong arms around both of our babies and me.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted as the crowd slowly dispersed.

  Sassy, Jeeves and Marge helped Bermangoggleshitz to our house. He was walking unsteadily, but with the help of those who loved him, I knew he would be fine eventually.

  “They’re your minions,” Baba Yaga said as she and Fabio approached. “I have bobble- headed warlocks. Apparently you have trees,” she said with a shrug and a tired smile.

  I was amazed how well her hideous dress had come through the shit storm. But then again, she was the Baba fucking Yaga.

  “Umm… I don’t understand,” I said.

  “Or possibly you don’t want to… The time is coming sooner than I’d originally thought,” she replied cryptically, giving me a wink.

  I didn’t like that wink and I didn’t want to hear any more crap right now. If she thought I was going to take over her job any time soon just because I had some wooden buddies, she was smoking crack. I needed a freakin’ vacation—not a new job. The Shifter Wanker was job enough for me.

  “Nope. Not listening,” I said, sticking my tongue out at her. “You aren’t going anywhere any time soon, Carol.”

  “What a wonderful idea,” she said, nudging Fabio. “Should we tell her?”

  “Be my guest, my love,” my father said, putting his arm around his fashion impaired gal pal.

  “We’re moving in together! I’m moving to Assjacket and I’ll be your new neighbor,” she sang with delight.

  Holding back every rude comment that I wanted to say was difficult. Goddess, my maturity was truly appalling. But Carol and my dad looked so stupidly happy, I decided to just smile. Or I tried. I was pretty sure it looked like a constipated wince, but they seemed to buy it.

  Life was going to change as I knew it. With Baba Yaga, Marge and Bermangoggleshitz as new Assjackians, it was going to be interesting—that’s Fuckingscaryglish in case you were wondering.

  Epilogue

  The Assjacket Country Club was everything S
assy promised it would be and more.

  It was also in my backyard.

  Today the official grand opening was happening in a big, splashy, joy-filled way. The Shifters couldn’t give an asscrack that it was late October and a chill was in the air. A pool was a pool was a pool was a pool and they were going to swim in all of them.

  It had taken a few weeks, a bunch of artistic debates—also known as Sassy shitfits, a little magic and a few mock episodes of Law and Order to pull it all together, but the results were worth it. Our backyard looked like a resort with more hot tubs than legally allowed.

  “I’m going to the Canadian,” Sassy shouted as she sprinted across the yard and hopped into the steamy water. Jeeves and their chipmunk sons were hot on her trail and they splashed up a storm in the Canadian. It was all kinds of weird and all kinds of perfect. Sassy had tried all fifteen hot tubs and decided the Canadian was the most mild and friendly. She was certifiable, but she was my BFF and I was keeping her.

  I glanced around the yard and grinned. Mac had walked around in shock for a few weeks as the idea of having a backyard Country Club sunk in, but he’d been a really good sport in the end. However, the ongoing game of pornographic Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf probably helped. I was seriously hot in my red cape.

  Looking down at my feet, I grinned. Roy had made good on his promise and I was wearing the snazziest shitkickers in the land. He’d designed shoes for Sassy, Fabio, Henry, Audrey and Marge… and had a very long waiting list for the rest of the inhabitants of Assjacket.

  Bermangoggleshitz was a rock star and was enjoying every moment. He’d designed ten pairs for Marge and Sassy, but that was only right. Marge was his princess and Sassy was the light of his life. I was a tiny bit jealous, but Roy had promised me that I was next in line for some insane wedges that hadn’t even hit the stores yet. Cookie Witch was sporting heels today that made me salivate.

  “You know you’re ready,” Marge said, coming up behind me and wrapping her slim arms around me.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, feigning ignorance.

  Marge simply laughed, kissed the top of my head and went to join her sister in the fun. She was getting as annoying as her sibling. I’d avoided my new neighbor like the plague. Baba Yaga was teetering on the edge of me turning her into a booby. I was not and would never be ready to take her job. I was unstable, grumpy and wildly immature.

  Well… sadly less immature than I used to be.

  She’d repeatedly pointed out that the last spell I’d cast to my tree buddies was profanity-free. I’d countered that by popping off a spell that had the F-bomb in it sixteen times. I’d earned a massive ass blast from the Goddess for that little ditty, but it was worth it. Baba Yaga stayed away for a week after that episode.

  Roger ambled over with a sweet smile and clasped his little hands in front of him.

  “I’d like to get you back on the therapy schedule,” Roger said, bizarrely still sporting a kilt.

  I’d repaired his pentagon of peens weeks ago, but he was clearly fond of the skirt. A few other men in town wore them as well. Fat Bastard thought it was hilarious and was now trying to get the idiots to believe man-bras were high fashion.

  “That’s probably a good idea,” I told him. “Do you think I should get Henry and Audrey in for the sewer mouth issue?”

  Roger small nose began to twitch up a storm. He stared at me and then dropped his gaze to the ground. I was aware the little bastard was trying not to laugh. It wasn’t funny and I was debating if I should shrink his skirt or his underpants—if he was wearing any… Goddess, that was a bad image.

  “I think we can wait on the therapy for the children. Meanwhile maybe you should invest in some duct tape,” he suggested gamely and then hopped off before I could zap him bald.

  As much as I wanted to chase him down, I had to admit he had a point. I loved my babies more than my own life. If I needed to seal my mouth shut, I would do it. Not happily, but I would do it.

  Maturity sucked ass.

  Cheesecake would help. It always helped.

  Wanda, DeeDee, Jeeves and Marge had cooked up a feast for the grand opening of the Assjacket Country Club. I’d sampled everything—twice. Thank Goddess I had a metabolism faster than the speed of light.

  Shifters and witches were eating, drinking and enjoying themselves. Simon and a few of the boys had set up their instruments in the gazebo that Sassy had designed and they were rocking out to the delight of the crowd. Henry, Audrey, and Wanda’s little one, Bo, were dancing and laughing so hard their adorable faces were bright pink with joy. It was perfect.

  “Well,” Mac said, looking around, shaking his head and giving me a lopsided smile that set my panties on fire. “At least the winter is coming. We’ll have to close up the pool for a while.”

  “Pools,” I corrected him. In the end we’d left holes for two pools—an adult pool and a baby pool. Along with the fifteen hot tubs, we had a lot of holes in the back yard.

  “Yes, pools,” he said with a pained chuckle and then pulled me close. “How about we ditch this shindig and go play x-rated Beauty and the Beast?”

  “Hold that thought,” I said with a wide grin. “Incoming.”

  Bermangoggleshitz approached slowly, using a wooden cane graciously provided by one of my tree buddies. The warlock was doing better, but it would take time to heal from his near deathblow. I was still stunned at how gorgeous he was, but I was getting used to it. He would always be kind of a jackhole and that suited me just fine.

  “So Zelda,” he said with a raised brow and a hint of a smile. “I have a question for you.”

  “Does it have anything to do with pushups?” I asked warily. I was still training with the warlock and the asshandle had an unhealthy penchant for the exercise.

  “No, it doesn’t,” he said with a laugh. “Describe dark magic to me.”

  “In words?” I asked. I loved confusing him. He was so easy.

  “Umm… yes,” he replied. “Words would be fine.”

  Without thinking, I spoke. “Rings around the sun, the Goddess’s knowledge, Dragon’s bones and an Angel choir.” I finished.

  Roy was stunned and I was as shocked as Roy. “Was that okay?” I asked.

  His nod and smile of pride made me feel ten feet tall—kind of like my tree buddies. I’d named them and they’d seemed pleased—Sleepy, Doc, Sneezy, Grumpy and Sponge Bob. They had replanted themselves at the edge of my favorite hot tub, the French. However, they were sneaky enormous freaks of nature. During the night, they would rearrange themselves, so I’d end up accidentally calling them by the wrong names every morning. They thought that was fucking hilarious. They were weird, but apparently they were mine.

  Fat Bastard, Jango Fett and Boba Fett had taken to the trees immediately and were teaching them how to cheat at cards. My cats were also now doing most of their gag inducing nad cleansing rituals under the shade of Sponge Bob. As the sun moved across the sky during the day, Sponge Bob would adjust so the rotund and disgusting felines had shade.

  Whatever worked. I was just happy not to have to witness the ball licking on a constant basis.

  “You know what’s missing?” Baba Yaga asked as she and Fabio snuck up on me from behind.

  It was the only way she could talk with me as I usually ran like hell or flew away when I saw her coming.

  “Sequined cone bras and feathers?” I replied.

  “Always,” she said with a delighted laugh. “However, that’s not what I was referring to.”

  I waited for her to start in on me again about taking over her job, but she didn’t. She had no clue how close she was edging to becoming a full body knocker—or maybe she did. She was the Baba Fucking Yaga.

  “Fireworks,” she said, clapping her well manicured hands together.

  A slow smile spread across my mouth and I laughed. She was right. A few explosions would make today even better.

  “Would you like to join me in making tha
t happen?” I asked, grinning.

  “Normally yes, but I have a meeting with the Goddess later and need to save my energy.”

  Baba Yaga had been instrumental in dealing with Endora’s punishment. I was sure that was devastating to her even though Endora had earned it. The woman was and would always be Carol’s mother. I still thought about my mother from time to time, but for the most part I’d let it go. I had real tangible love in my life and I realized I didn’t need hers.

  I wasn’t sure if it was having my own children or if learning to love myself had made me stronger, but again, I didn’t put a whole lot of thought into it. Maybe Baba Yaga should have a baby… or maybe not. That led me to picture her and my father doing the nasty, which wiped the grin right off my face and made me gag. Of course then it degenerated into imagining them borrowing Roy and Marge’s Twister mat and going at it in feathered cone bras under a disco ball. I was now beginning to dry heave.

  “Are you okay?” Fabio asked, concerned as he pounded on my back to dislodge the cheesecake I’d shoved in to keep from screaming in horror.

  “I’m good,” I choked out. “Gotta go find Sassy and Marge… really need to blow some shit up.”

  The fireworks were cathartic and the crowd was thrilled.

  “We’re the Three Musketeers!” Sassy shouted with delight as we watched the sky shimmer with riotous color.

  “The Three Amigos,” Marge added with a laugh, sending a glittering gold, cookie-scented explosion high above our heads.

  I couldn’t think of anything to add that didn’t have a potty word in it, so I just grinned and detonated a rainbow of a whopper into the stratosphere.

  I did know this. Three was a charm. I’d gotten through the worst disaster in my life with the help of the two crazy witches beside me.

  Of course, Baba Yaga had helped too. I suppose if three was a charm, four would make us fucking fantastic.

  The Fantastic Fucking Four—now that was a disaster waiting to happen.

  — The End… for now—

  Note From The Author