by Abigail Agar
“Oh? And what am I thinking?” Jonathan asked.
“You are thinking that you cannot be honest with her. She may be angry with you. Well, would she be angrier now or on your wedding day? When does she deserve to learn the truth?” Simon asked.
That was the true question, the question he did not wish to answer. What did she deserve? If he started asking that, he would have to face the fact that she deserved so much more than he had given her yet.
“You may be nervous, but you need to tell her,” Simon said again.
“I know, I know. And I shall. Just give me some time. I want to do it right. I cannot simply spring it on her,” he said.
“Actually, that is precisely how you ought to do it, but I do not expect you to go about it like that. So, yes. You should be open and honest with her in the right time and in the right way. Just do not take too long. You may find that she is not so willing to wait around as you think,” Simon said.
“What do you mean by that?” Jonathan asked.
“I mean that a woman wants to marry. And if she is waiting for you to make an offer, she may be waiting for a very long time. You cannot court her as the groom of the Duke of Danby. So, you may be keeping her from the possibility of happiness with another. It is just something to think about,” Simon said.
Those words haunted Jonathan for the rest of the day. Simon was right. He really could be preventing Miss Windsor from having the happiness she would otherwise have sought through marriage to a man.
He would tell her soon and he would find a way to be allowed to court her. There had to be a solution, he only needed to search for it.
Chapter 13
Ellie sat with Katherine in Katherine’s room and she couldn’t stop thinking about Mr. Potts. But she still wasn’t ready to divulge the full information to her cousin. There were far too many concerns as to whether or not it would end up being overheard by her aunt.
“But Wendell is a perfectly respectable man,” Katherine said again.
“If you think that, why do you not marry him? Maybe the two of you could be happy,” Ellie said.
“Oh, goodness, I would make him miserable,” she said.
“Why do you say that? You two are both reasonable people. I am not considered reasonable at all. I think you two are a far better match than I would be to him,” Ellie said.
“Reasonable, perhaps, but I do not find him attractive, Ellie. I want to be courted by someone dashingly handsome and absolutely lovely in every way. You think I want someone like Wendell Carruthers on my arm when I could have someone who is handsome and charming?” Katherine asked.
Ellie laughed, amused by Katherine’s self-confidence. She really did think herself to be quite a catch, but Ellie knew that Katherine had every reason to feel that way. She was truly remarkable and well-known for her beauty and grace. There was no reason for Ellie to wonder about it or think that she was overrated in any of it.
“I think it is for the best, Ellie. I mean that. You should consider Wendell because you deserve to be married and he is available for you. My mother has worked to arrange it all and I trust that you and Wendell really will grow fond of one another,” Katherine said.
“I cannot fathom what makes you think that aside from the fact that your mother has insisted you believe it,” Ellie said, shaking her head in dismay.
“Ellie, my mother simply wants what is best for you. Can you not see that? I wish you would understand that you have a true opportunity to have a husband who can take care of you. Wendell is a nice young man and I believe that you could be happy together if you made the effort,” Katherine said.
“You only want me to be happy so that I can appease your mother,” Ellie said.
“Do not accuse me of something like that. Do you really think I am unbothered by my mother’s efforts to control both our lives? Believe me, Ellie, I detest it. But there is nothing I can do about it. You and I are both stuck in our respective prisons. Neither of us has an opportunity of escape,” Katherine said.
Ellie was utterly dismayed. She hated hearing that even Katherine had given up, that although she disliked what her mother did, she refused to fight it. They really were both lost to this prison of her mother. And even though Ellie had many reasons for which she was upset with her aunt, this was, perhaps, the greatest.
“Ellie, I did not mean to upset you. I am sorry,” Katherine said.
“I know. It is fine. Anyway, we should discuss it no longer,” Ellie said, unwilling to put herself further in this position of having to accept her fate. She was already stuck and the last thing she needed was to have Katherine upset at her for not being more willing to accept it.
For the briefest of moments, Ellie had considered telling Katherine all about Mr. Potts. She could tell her that they were meeting regularly, that they were fond of one another, that she had ridden on his horse and that he had chased away a vagabond on her behalf.
But, although Katherine was her dearest friend, she still worried that this news would get back to her aunt. She loved Katherine dearly, but wondered what the limits of their friendship might be when it contradicted whatever her aunt wanted.
It was not entirely proper that Ellie and Mr. Potts had been meeting together and that they were enjoying one another’s company without the presence of others nearby. Because of this and the fact that assumptions could easily be made, it was far safer for Ellie to remain silent about him, focusing instead on trying to convince her cousin that Wendell Carruthers was not the right man for her.
That, of course, was what she actually wanted her aunt to know.
After a while, she gave up. Realizing that she was not going to find a way to speak out about what she felt, Ellie decided to find an excuse to leave Katherine’s room and go outside.
“I just need a bit of air. You know what I am like. I get itchy when I am stuck inside,” she said.
Katherine nodded in understanding. Ellie left the room and made her way outside, eager to sit and rest in the fresh air. She brought an apple with her and began to eat, crunching a bite into the green flesh of the fruit.
It was only a moment before a grey rabbit bounced over to Ellie, sniffing the space just in front of her.
“Well, hello, little one. What are you doing over here?” she asked, putting out her hand. The rabbit came to her and sniffed her fingers, which were sweet with the juice of the apple.
Ellie saw the rabbit’s intrigue and she knew there was only one solution. She took one last bite of the apple and then held the remainder in her hand for the rabbit to nibble. With those great big teeth, it ate chunks at a time and she smiled, watching it.
In truth, Ellie had to admit that animals were her only real friends. Katherine did her best to make Ellie feel like part of the family, but it just wasn’t the same as having a true friend and Ellie still felt the sharp tang of loneliness.
“You, little one, are my friend, aren’t you? You and your kind, all of you. I can always come to you for company, can I not?” she asked the rabbit.
It glanced up at her with black eyes and then refocused on the apple.
“Tasty, is it not?” she asked.
She did not need words to know that the rabbit was satisfied with the food it was being fed.
“You and me? We may be friends. Perhaps you will not mind if I tell you all about Mr. Potts,” she said.
Ellie was sure to keep her voice low so that her aunt would not hear as she launched into her tale, telling the rabbit all that had taken place.
“I did not expect Mr. Potts to be such a remarkable specimen, but he proved to be something of a miracle. Honestly, I have never met a man like him in all my life and now, he is the only thing I can think about. You should know that I have never been in love before. This is, most definitely, the first time,” she said.
“Oh, I know that it is silly. I have only just met him. How can I say that it is love? But you needn’t ask me that because I have no doubt in my mind that it must be. Nothing that fe
els so wonderful as this could be anything short of love. Do you have a sweet someone? Is there another little rabbit out there who has stolen your heart as Mr. Potts has stolen mine?” she asked.
The rabbit continued to munch until there was scarcely anything left of the apple save for the stem and a whittled core. Although she was hardly expecting an answer from the creature, Ellie felt as if she really had been given the privilege of a conversation.
“Well, I do hope that you are given the chance to know love at some juncture or another. It really is the most pleasant experience,” she said.
Aware that some might think her mad for sitting there, talking to a rabbit about love and romance and the like, Ellie took a moment to evaluate whether or not she really might be. Was it possible? Had she lost her mind?
“What do you think? Am I a fool for sharing my heart with you? Do I belong in a madhouse?” she asked the rabbit.
There was really no point in trying to continue this endeavor, but Ellie’s loneliness was getting the best of her. She wanted to go back and find Mr. Potts, to speak with him about everything on her mind, to share with him that she had developed an affection for him which could not be rivaled.
What would he think of her? Would he tell her she ought to remain silent instead of being so forward? Would he urge her into a submissive quiet? Or would he grant her the permission to be her wild and free self? Would he encourage her to be exactly who she was, without apology?
Somehow, Ellie believed, he would be the latter. Perhaps it was just a foolish wish or dream, but she truly thought that he would be understanding of Ellie. She believed that he would see her for who she was and he would find her admirable.
Indeed, it was probably silly of her to have that hope, but she couldn’t help it. That was what she wanted more than anything. It was the thing she dreamt of when she thought about him.
Mr. Potts had been so accepting of her thus far. Would he not continue to be so? Or was she being an utter fool for thinking she could have the privilege of his approval?
Regardless of the answer to that question, Ellie did feel better. Just having the opportunity to speak about her feelings, to share them even with a silly rabbit, she felt as though her heart had been heard and understood. There was so much more to be said, but she would have the chance to say it in time.
Another time. Another place. And maybe to another person.
“Ellie! What are you doing out there? You are going to get dirty again,” her aunt called, scolding her from within the house.
Ellie sighed and scrunched her face in irritation. She could do nothing without getting into trouble. It was her constant lot in life and she would never be free from it.
“Will you come inside already?” her aunt called.
“I am coming,” Ellie called in reply. She stood up and dusted off her dress before making her way back through the door and into the house where her aunt was shaking her head in disapproval.
“One of these days, you are going to understand why I absolutely detest this strange behavior. You are never going to find a husband if you keep acting like this. What sort of man will want you when he cannot know from one day to the next if you are going to be clean or dirty?” her aunt asked.
“I am not dirty. I simply enjoy going outside. Why is that so wrong? Is it not good for a young lady to get fresh air, to have a bit of pink in her cheeks, to have a nice figure from the exercise?” she asked, listing off every excuse she could think of.
“Oh, Ellie, you need to stop this. How can I reason with you? How can I make you realize that you are ruining this family’s reputation by your selfish habits? I have had just about enough of it. If you are going to remain in this household, you must start behaving like a young woman ought to,” her aunt said.
“I have been trying very hard to do so,” she said.
“Try harder. No more of this barefooted nonsense. And do not think it has escaped my notice that you still go out when I am not home and you believe you can get away with it. I am not as much a fool as you appear to believe,” her aunt said.
Caught and shamed, Ellie nodded in understanding. She was never going to be allowed her freedom, but she had to stop herself from making things worse.
Whatever the future held, she trusted that it would be no better than the present. Her aunt would rule her life and she would be forced to marry Wendell Carruthers.
Dreaming of anything different was foolishness.
Chapter 14
Jonathan was busy running around, trying to make things beautiful. He wanted it to look nice for Miss Windsor. Desperate to bring her a sense of comfort, all he wanted was to give her this gift.
He felt a little bit silly, wondering if she would even recognize the effort he was making. Or maybe, she would think that he was just doing it out of the kindness of his heart. Worse, maybe she would think that he was every bit as insane as the man who had been invading the home. Maybe she would think he was crazy.
Jonathan decided to push those worries aside for the time being. He didn’t want to think about it. All he wanted was to make her happy.
This house meant something to her and that made it important to him as well.
He was expecting that she would come soon, but she was not there yet. His plan had been to get there early and get started so that he could surprise her by having a few things finished already. Not only that, but he was nervous that she would be inside when he arrived and then he would be uncomfortable going in after her. This way, he would already be working in the house and she would be the one to decide whether or not to enter with him.
For the sake of propriety, he found it important that she have the freedom to make these decisions. The last thing he wanted was to make Miss Windsor feel that she had no choice but to entertain him.
He looked out at the sky, wondering where she was. The day was moving on and they had agreed to meet at some point early in the afternoon. She was still not there, however, and he was beginning to wonder if something had happened.
Jonathan had gathered that there was a conflict with her aunt. Although she had not said very much about it, it was clear to him that her aunt did not approve of her love of nature. She had said just enough to insinuate the fact. Knowing that, he wondered if her aunt ever truly kept her locked away. Did she make it impossible for Miss Windsor to go out and enjoy herself? Or did she at least give her the occasional freedom?
He was growing impatient. Wondering where Miss Windsor was, Jonathan was tired of cleaning up and attempting to stay busy. He wanted to see her and talk and spend time together. It was far too exciting to think about enjoying her company and the last thing he wanted to do was sit there, hoping she would show up.
Just as he was ready to give up, Jonathan heard a rustling sound outside. At first, he thought it might be Miss Windsor, but then he was anxious that it could be the vagabond returned.
What if he was unable to keep that man away? Or what if others had decided to come?
He hoped that it was Miss Windsor and decided to hold onto that hope until he saw for certain.
Jonathan rushed to the window in order to take a look out the back of the house. Rather than a drifter or Miss Windsor, he saw three deer, a mother and her two babies.
It was so peaceful and serene out here. He realized that he often forgot to enjoy the simplicity of nature because he was always busy with the manufactured life he had given to his horses. They did not belong in his stable. They belonged in the wild, just like these deer.
Jonathan eyed them with a fresh wave of happiness and excitement. They were so beautiful, so regal. He was overcome by the sheer solitude of their presence. As if there was nothing to keep him from the quiet and peacefulness of this moment, he basked in the serenity.
