by Abigail Agar
“Enough, Mother. I am not going to tell you a thing,” he said, climbing into the coach and shutting the door behind himself.
She could ride in another.
He just wanted his mother to accept him and the woman he cared for, but that seemed as if it would never come to pass.
Chapter 17
The last thing Ellie wanted to do was have to share what was going on in her life. Everything that she had been feeling was private. She was a private person in general, but these days, her joys and happiness were that much more important to keep to herself.
Nevertheless, when Katherine wanted to speak with her, Ellie went to her room.
“Ellie, why are you always wanting to be outside or in your room? You never come to visit me in here,” Katherine said.
“You spend all your time in here. I just imagined you wanted to be left alone,” Ellie said.
“Hardly! I hate to be alone. You ought to know that. No, indeed, I really want your company. Now, come, have a seat. We must talk,” Katherine said, leading her to sit beside her on the bed.
“What is it? Is everything all right?” Ellie asked.
“Oh, fine, fine, I suppose,” Katherine said.
“Your mother said you are going to a ball tomorrow. Are you looking forward to it?” Ellie asked, trying to talk about simple things she knew Katherine enjoyed. It also helped her to forget the fact that she would never go to a ball like this because she would hear from Katherine’s perspective about all the frivolity and she would have no desire to attend.
“I am, yes. I am very excited. I do hope that Mr. Williamson will dance with me. Or, possibly, Lord Winthrop. He is a baron, you know. I should be honored to have his attention,” Katherine said, her eyes bright and child-like. All she wanted in the world was to find a wealthy man to court her and marry her.
“That would be nice. So long as they are good, kind men, of course,” Ellie said, calmly.
“Oh, why would they not be? I am sure they must be good. They would not have such good positions in society if they were not good men,” she said.
Ellie refrained from warning her that men often had good positions despite being bad people. She wanted to support Katherine, even if she was being somewhat ignorant.
“Anyway, it is not myself or the ball which I wanted to discuss with you,” Katherine said.
“Oh? What is it?” Ellie asked.
“It is actually regarding your behavior. Do not think that it has escaped anyone’s notice, your constant coming and going,” Katherine said.
“What do you mean? I have always been like that,” Ellie said.
“Which is why my mother has not questioned it. But I have seen a different change come over you,” Katherine said.
“What sort of change?” Ellie asked.
“The sort which makes me wonder if you have fallen in love with Mr. Carruthers after all,” Katherine said.
Ellie was taken aback. She was unprepared for being confronted by Katherine about Mr. Carruthers. She knew what actually lay underneath it. It was nothing at all to do with Wendell Carruthers and everything to do with love.
“Come now, Ellie, I know that you do not care for him. This leads me to my question. Because, you see, if you do not care for Mr. Carruthers, I know that there must be someone else you do care for. You have the look of love about you. My mother and father have not noticed it yet, but I have. Who is he?” Katherine asked.
Ellie kept her expression confused and calm.
“What are you talking about, Katherine? How could I be in love with anyone? You know me. I wander around on my walks, barefoot and strange, judged by nearly everyone who meets me. I do not attend balls or social gatherings. How am I meant to find someone who would be interested in me?” she asked.
Katherine’s confidence faltered, but she appeared to regain it rather quickly.
“That is the sort of statement I might expect from someone who does not want to be caught caring for a man, but I can see it, Ellie. You are different. You clearly care for someone. Tell me, who is he?” she asked again.
Frustrated that her cousin was pushing her so much, Ellie just wanted to get up and leave. Unfortunately, however, she knew that it would only make her look more suspicious. There was nothing she could do about it. She simply had to stick to her determination not to say anything.
It didn’t matter if Katherine wanted to know what was going on. It was none of her business and it was not something Ellie was ready to discuss.
Katherine was used to getting her way, however. She was always the one who got what she wanted and it was unusual for anyone to say no to her. That made things difficult. It meant that she was not ready for this uncomfortable moment of being told that she could not have answers.
Mr. Potts was still a secret. There was no reason for him to be anything different. Unless he expressed that he was going to ask for permission to court her, Ellie didn’t want to mention him. Her aunt would be furious if she learned about him when she had been working so hard to arrange things with Mr. Carruthers.
“Katherine, I do not know what you are talking about. Certainly, I see handsome men now and then, but what of it?” Ellie asked, wondering how much longer she could keep Katherine at bay.
“Come now, Ellie. I am not a fool as you may think. Tell me the truth. I have no desire to sit here, pretending that I am not aware of your change in character of late. You are happier, more vibrant. You do not always have the look of oppression about you,” Katherine said.
“Is that really all it takes for you to think I am in love?” Ellie asked with a laugh.
“Get on with it, Eleanor. Tell me the truth,” Katherine said.
She continued to push. At last, Ellie decided she would have to say something. If she did not want to expose the whole truth, she would have to say just a few things, downplay the entire situation.
“All right, Katherine. Fine. I shall tell you, but I am terribly embarrassed about it and I need you to understand that it is not…well, I am embarrassed because there really is nothing to tell,” Ellie said.
“Come out with it, Ellie,” she said.
“I wish that I had some grand story for you, but it is only further evidence that I am the sort of woman who would be happy with the attentions of any man. You see, I was on a walk one day and I stumbled upon a gentleman walking in my direction. We were going the opposite ways,” she said, manufacturing the story.
“And?” Katherine asked.
“He stopped me to ask if I knew where the nearest bakery was. I told him it was a short distance away and gave him directions. He said he was grateful to know as he has only just moved from Finchley to London,” Ellie said.
“Really? So, he is new in town?” she asked.
“Precisely. And he told me that if he had known the women of London were so beautiful, he would have moved here sooner. So, you see, I was flattered. But that was all it was. I have not seen him since, even when I have walked in that same area,” she said.
“Oh, Ellie! I wish that I had known. I do hope you meet him again,” Katherine said.
“Yes, well, it made me sad, you see. Because I thought about how nice it would be to see him again and to find out if he could actually like me. Then, I remembered that it hardly matters. I have no say in my own match. I am already being made to be courted by Mr. Carruthers,” she said.
Katherine gasped in understanding.
“So, you have no hope! You think that you are going to be stuck with him no matter what and you cannot even enjoy the least bit of flirtation with a handsome strange. Oh, how sad!” Katherine said, really appearing to sympathize.
“I know. It is unfortunate,” Ellie said. “But that is all there is to it.”
That was it. That was all she could say. Expressing that she was sad that she could not choose her own husband was the only option she had for covering the emotions that she had been feeling.
This way, it would appear as if she was just emotional and an
noyed. That was certainly far better than admitting to being in love.
Even if Katherine were to continue to push, this was all Ellie needed to say. It was certainly enough of an excuse to prevent any other curiosity.
She was still sad that she could not be open about Mr. Potts because he was the one she truly loved, and he was the one she wanted to talk about. All over again, Ellie was sad that she did not have a friend she could truly confide.
“I am so glad that you told me, Ellie. I wish that I could make everything better and convince mother that you should be allowed to find a husband of your own, but she wants you married very quickly,” Katherine said.
“Of course she does. The longer I am unmarried, the longer she has to take responsibility for me,” Ellie said.
Katherine winced, not denying the truth of the statement.
There was a knock at the door and, without ceremony, her aunt entered the room.
“Hurry up, Eleanor, make yourself presentable,” her aunt said.
“Me? What is it?” Ellie asked.
“Mr. Carruthers is coming. Oh! Did you hear that knock? I think he must be here already. Oh, just hurry up,” her aunt instructed.
Dread welled up within Ellie’s chest. She had no desire to see Mr. Carruthers. Why has he come to pay a call? Obviously, this was something her aunt had arranged, even though it was the last thing in the world Ellie wanted. There was nothing she could do about it now, though. She would have to go and be polite and speak with him.
Anxious and wishing that she could run away from it all, she took a deep breath and followed her aunt.
Down the hall and into the parlor, she made her way with a sliver of hope that she might be able to convince him to reject her. Even if that was an embarrassment, it was still a possibility. It was a possibility she had to cling to.
Her aunt would never forgive her. She would say that Ellie was awful and undesirable. At least it would give her time.
She entered the room and there he was.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Carruthers,” she said with a curtsy.
“And to you, Miss Windsor,” he said, bowing awkwardly. Her aunt stood there, like a hawk ready to force two prey to devour one another.
“Please, be seated,” Ellie told him, taking her own seat at the same time. Her aunt sat in the corner, not even trying to pretend she was busy with a book or stitching or anything.
“Thank you, Miss Windsor. My, what a fine hem you have on your dress. My mother says you have a reputation as a fine tailor,” he said.
It was the strangest compliment Ellie had ever heard, but she smiled politely nevertheless.
“Oh, well, I do try,” she said.
“My mother says it is important to find a wife with sewing abilities so that she may mend my clothing when I am in need,” he said, his words awkward and stilted.
“Yes, I suppose that is wise,” she replied.
They were silent for a moment and then he looked at a carving of a bird on the mantle.
“What a fine carving. I have never seen such a piece,” he said.
Mr. Carruthers was terribly dull and boring. Ellie couldn’t help wondering what the interest was. Why had her aunt chosen him? Was it because no one else wanted him either? Surely that had to be the reason. If he was being forced to marry her and she was being forced to marry, or at least be courted by him, it had to be because his mother and father could not find anyone else either.
He didn’t really seem to like her either, though. That was another sign to her that this was all out of his hands as well. He was a decent enough fellow as far as she could tell, but not one she wanted to spend her life with.
“Thank you,” Mr. Carruthers said as the maid brought in tea. “This is very fine tea.”
His compliments were painfully rehearsed, worded nearly the same each time. He was perfectly polite, but did not seem to have any conversational skills.
“Yes, she makes it quite well,” Ellie said, secretly wishing she could be drinking too-strong tea with Mr. Potts instead.
“Well, I am glad that we have this time to speak,” he said.
Although Ellie recognized that she could do worse, there was no spark or chemistry between them. He was just another man, average and playing in her eyes. He was nothing at all like Mr. Potts.
Then again, no one ever would be.
If she could not have him for a husband, she did not want anyone. She would rather be a spinster, living alone all of her days in the cottage, trying to feed the animals and remember that she mattered.
Instead, she smiled and nodded, trying to listen to the boring conversation in which she was taking part. There was nothing more she could do, just sit and wait.
One day, as she hoped, she would have a say in her own life.
Chapter 18
“You really have to go out, Jonathan? Can you not simply go to the club like normal men?” his mother asked.
It was time for another ride. These were the days Jonathan loved most. It was the happiest opportunity he had to get out and see the world around him.
“Mother, I shall go to the club when the club is worth going to. For now, this is what I wish to do. Playing cards with other men, breathing in their cigar smoke, laughing about money, it is not my idea of a nice time,” he said.
“But that is what men do, my boy. This is how they bond. Surely you must know that. Your father did it all the time. He gambled with the best of them,” she said.
“And I am not him. I wish that I could please you as he did, I know he was a good man, but I prefer to go for a ride as opposed to sitting in a stuffy room,” he insisted.
“Oh, fine then. You are always going on about what you want,” she said.
Even if his mother had complained before he went out, he pushed beyond it.
It was not uncommon for a man to go out and enjoy a ride, and that was not what bothered her. She was always angry at him because of the fact that he wanted to spend time with the horses. If it had just been the ride itself, she would be able to accept that.
His mother hated the horses. She thought they were dirty creatures and she could not understand why he loved to spend time around them despite the fact that they made him a mess.
Jonathan was simply desperate for a chance to have a little bit of freedom and see more of the world around him. When he mounted his horse, he sensed the possibility for a new life and a better future. He could not explain why, but it meant the world to him.
He wished that he could go for a ride with Miss Windsor, but as he started away from the stables, Jonathan had to accept that he would not see her that day.
He would not see her until the following day. For now, he would just have to be patient. He could not stop thinking about her and his mother had been incredibly frustrating ever since he admitted to having feelings for someone.
The ball had created a rift between them. When he had been unwilling to dance with so many of the young women she wanted for him, Jonathan wound up ruining her hopes that he would eventually marry someone she deemed worthy of him.
He was not going to marry one of the simpering young ladies she continually tried to throw before him and he was not going to be like Simon, charming every young lady who came across his path. He did not like those types of women anyway and there was no point in trying to change.
