by Abigail Agar
“Indeed, it is dreadful. And my mother and father wanted better for me. They wanted me to have the freedom to enjoy my life, to be happy, to live freely. They raised me to care about more than just money, to really love this world in which we live. So, we always went out and enjoyed ourselves, happily doing whatever we pleased,” she said.
“And, it did not last?” he asked, gently. His words were sensitive and kind as he hinted to find out what happened to her mother and father.
“My mother and father passed away. It was an accident, but a dreadful one. I do not like to think about it or talk about,” she said, hoping he would understand.
“Yes, of course. You mustn’t be forced to do that,” he said.
“Thank you, Mr. Potts. Anyway, I went to live with my mother’s sister and her husband after that. They never wanted me. They still do not want me, but I suppose I ought to be thankful that they have taken me in and are willing to look after me when no one else could,” she said.
“That is very good of them, but I am sorry that you feel as if they do not want you. Perhaps you are mistaken? Why would you think they feel that way?” he asked.
Ellie scoffed and shook her head in dismay.
“They have all but told me as much, Mr. Potts. My aunt in particular has no affection for me and no shame in letting me know that,” she said.
“How awful. I am deeply sorry, Miss Windsor. I cannot imagine anyone not loving you,” he said. Instantly his cheeks turned pink and then deep crimson. His blue eyes widened at having used that word.
Ellie tried not to think too much about it. He was speaking of love in terms of a familial manner, was he not? She did not wish for him to be embarrassed, but she also did feel the cruel bloom of hope in her heart.
“Well, I should like to think that, Mr. Potts, but I cannot allow myself to believe that she would ever approve of me,” Ellie said, moving on so that he did not have to worry about it.
“Regardless of what your aunt has said or done, Miss Windsor, you should know that you have value and worth. You are deserving of more than this and I would truly like to think that you can recognize that you are better than your aunt has made you to feel,” he said.
Ellie appreciated his kind words and how Mr. Potts made her feel like she really did matter. All over again, she found herself taken aback by the way he was treating her and how gentle he was with her. It felt as if there was really something between them that could not yet be named. Something they both understood and felt clearly.
She wondered if he would ever be willing to speak with her aunt and uncle about a courtship, especially now that she was saying all these things and telling him how her aunt disapproved of her. Was she making a mistake? Was she revealing so much of the discontent that he might be afraid of her aunt?
Ellie realized she was making a mistake and wished she could take it back, that she could actually explain that he needed to hurry up and try to court her if that was his wish. But she could not tell him now about Wendell Carruthers. He might think she was trying to seduce him or something.
It was all too confusing to know what to do or how to go about things the right way, but Ellie wanted Mr. Potts to know that she would accept in a heartbeat if he wanted to court her. Even if it was not appropriate for her to push for something like that, she wished that he would understand her desire for it.
“Miss Windsor, if your aunt and uncle do not approve of you and the way you behave, I gather they would not very much like the fact that you are coming here to meet with me. I understand now why you are anxious about getting caught,” he said.
“Yes, precisely,” she replied.
“How may we continue to meet for now without allowing them to grow suspicious?” he asked.
Ellie had been wondering the same thing. She wanted to continue to see him, but was frightened by the idea that her aunt and uncle would learn the truth.
“Well, we must not meet every day, that is certain,” she said.
“What if we meet three days from now? On Monday? It could work, could it not? We may try to come up with a scheme to avoid a pattern,” he said.
Ellie grinned at this mischief. She was more than happy to try this strategy.
“I think that is an excellent idea, Mr. Potts,” she said.
“Very well, then,” he said. “Monday. I shall see you here.”
Chapter 16
Jonathan had no desire to attend a ball, but it was not his choice. He knew that he had to go for the sake of his mother and for the sake of keeping up appearances.
There was no possibility that he could try to hide from her. His mother was making every effort to continue in her search for him to find a wife. Even if he tried, even if he made every effort, he was not able to get around the determination she had to find someone for him.
Jonathan was dressed in his nicest clothing, just as she had insisted but he hoped that he would be able to drive the women away by simply talking about his horses. That always tended to bore them.
They arrived at the state and greeted their host. From across the room, Jonathan saw Simon talking to a group of young women. He was clearly entertaining them and had captivated their attention.
“Oh, is that Lord Potts over there with all those women? My goodness, he is quite the intriguing young man, is he not? He does such a wonderful job of getting them to swoon. Why can you not do the same? Oh, you really must learn from him,” his mother said.
Jonathan chewed the inside of his lip, trying to ignore her slight.
“Mother, I do not need to learn from Simon. He is himself and I am myself,” he said.
“Yes, but he is far more likely to marry soon. Look at him! He knows precisely what he is doing. See? He just got that young lady to laugh,” she said.
“She probably laughed because her own mother and father told her to laugh whenever a man says anything that could possibly be considered humorous. You know that young women like that have no understanding for true comedy,” he said.
“You are far too harsh on them. I think your friend, Lord Potts, is doing a marvelous job,” she said. “Certainly better than you are.”
Jonathan was tired of his mother comparing him to Simon. They were two very different men. Just because they were good friends did not mean they had to behave in the same manner.
“Well, if you think I should try so hard to be more like him, I expect you shall not mind if I leave you now and go and speak with him,” Jonathan said.
“Oh, certainly, you must go. And tell him that he is doing a wonderful job. Tell him that I wish he would show you how to be the sort of young man who could get the attention of young women like that,” she said.
“As you wish, Mother,” he replied, dryly.
Jonathan departed from his mother and went to speak with Simon for a short while. When he got to where Simon was with the young women, it was clear that he was not going to be able to break into the conversation with ease.
“Oh, Lord Potts, you are such a wit,” one of the young women said, batting her eyelashes with such intensity that Jonathan thought she was going to lose one of her eyelids altogether.
“Thank you, Lady Hastings. You know, I do appreciate when I am told that. It makes me feel as though I still have a purpose beyond my foolishness,” he said, laughing as if referencing some earlier joke that Jonathan had not heard.
The young women all laughed along, hanging on his every word.
“And Lady Silver, I am humbled that you were willing to listen to that story again. I know that you have heard it twice now already,” he said to another young woman. “But, ladies, I must take a brief pause in order to introduce you all to my dearest friend in all the world. This is Lord Cornwall. I am sure that some of you have heard of him.”
“Good evening,” Jonathan said, smiling stiffly.
“Ah, yes, Lord Cornwall and I have met,” said one young lady whom Jonathan could not recall. He tried, but his panicked smile was enough to alert Simon to the fact
that he had no idea who she was.
But it hardly mattered, for he was saved just in time. His mother came over at that moment with a young woman on her arm.
“Ah, Jonathan, this is Lady Fitzroy. She is the daughter of my friend, Her Ladyship, the Duchess of Rindell, up in the north. You have heard of her. Lady Fitzroy is quite an accomplished young woman,” she said.
He turned to focus on his mother and the young woman, hearing Simon get back to his interactions with the young women. Jonathan understood that he was being ordered to ask the young lady for a dance. Even if he had no desire, he was going to try to be friendly and polite and allow the disinterest to come naturally on her part as well.
“Very nice to meet you, Lady Fitzroy,” he said.
“And you, Lord Cornwall. I have heard tremendous things about you,” she said.
“I am certain that my mother has spoken quite a bit about me. I fear she has probably bored you tremendously, but I do hope that you will give me the chance to bore you on my own terms,” he said, aware that it sounded as if he was flirting when he was actually giving her a warning.
“I should like that very much, indeed,” she said with a girlish laugh.
“Very well. A dance, perhaps?” he asked, unceremoniously. He figured he might as well get it over with.
She nodded and they went out onto the dance floor and he bowed as she curtsied when the music struck.
“Tell me, does your mother insist upon these interactions in the same why my own mother does?” he asked her.
“More than you can possibly know,” she said.
“Oh, I very much doubt that. My mother is extremely persistent. I believe I do know,” he said with a laugh.
“I beg your pardon, Lord Cornwall, but does this mean that I may be frank with you rather than being charming?” Lady Fitzroy asked.
“Nothing would make me happier,” he said.
“Very well, then. You should know that I am not eager to marry right away,” she said.
“And you should know that I am not here this evening to find a wife,” he replied.
“Excellent. I think we make for a great match,” she said with a laugh.
“Indeed, we do,” he replied. They danced the rest of the tune in silence, neither bothering to try and persuade the other to care about themselves.
Relieved that the dance was coming to an end, Jonathan rushed away from her as soon as he could. Just then, his mother came over with another young woman. Instead of dancing, Jonathan wanted to speak with his mother alone. He was already weary of the evening.
“Very nice to meet you, Lady Poll. If you will excuse me, I am very sorry, but I must speak with my mother at once,” he said.
She looked furious. He understood why, he understood that she just wanted him to get married quickly, but Jonathan could not bear to put up with any more of this. The young lady left them and he pulled his mother aside.
“Goodness, what do you think you are doing? I wanted you to dance with her,” his mother said.
“I know that, Mother. You always want me to dance with young women at events like this. But I need you to listen to me because I have something very important to say,” he began.
“All right. Fine then. What is it?” she asked.
“I have no desire to marry any one of these young ladies. I need you to stop trying to force me into a union with any of them. I have no desire to marry them and that is final,” he said.
“What on earth are you talking about? You need to marry and you cannot seem to find a woman on your own so it is up to me to do it for you,” she hissed.
“Why is it so important to you that I marry before I am ready?” he asked.
She glared at him, her nostrils flaring, a sad anger in her eyes.
“I have nothing else to do. Have you ever thought about how boring life is for a noblewoman in England? I hate every minute of it. All I can do is collect gemstones, gossip with other women, and find you a wife. And, if I find one, maybe then there will be another woman in the home and I can actually have someone to speak with,” she said.
For a moment, he felt bad. But then, Jonathan thought back to his mother’s specifications for the sort of wife he chose and he wondered why she could not settle for someone he actually wanted.
“In that case, Mother, let me find a woman I truly want,” he said.
“You are a fool and it is impossible to find a wife for someone like you. This is my task. You shall only mess it up,” she said, insulting him.
Why would she not listen to him? Why would she not simply respect his desire to find a woman on his own? Had he not given her every reason to trust him and to think that he would find someone and time? Just because he had not discovered the right young woman yet did not mean he would not in the future.
But he also knew that she wanted him to marry the daughter of someone she was close to. Any of her friends would do. But he was very nearly running out of those young ladies and none of them had struck his fancy.
“You just need to let me fix this problem for you,” she said.
Unable to stop himself, Jonathan replied in the worst way possible.
“Or maybe you need to respect that I have found a woman I care for. She has no wealth and no title and she is twice the woman of anyone here,” he spat.
Immediately, he regretted it. He should not have told her. The look on her face was enough for him to understand the mistake he had made. His mother took one aggressive step forward and he saw the tension between her brows. She was furious and there was nothing he could do about it now.
“What did you just say? What sort of woman is she? You have found someone and she is a waste of a romance like that?” she asked.
“I told you before that I was interested elsewhere,” he said.
“You did not say it had come to this. I assumed it was an attraction and nothing more. What is the matter with you? You ought to be ashamed of yourself for sinking so low,” she said.
He could not let her speak to him that way and insist like this when he knew that there was a young woman out there with whom he belonged. It was entirely unfair that his mother should treat him like this, like he was a child.
“Mother, I expect you to remember that I am a nobleman of England. You may be upset about my choices, but I have no need for your insults. This is enough. I am going to leave the ball. You may do as you wish,” he said.
“I am coming with you because you need to tell me who this young lady is,” she said, following him as he turned towards the door to leave the hall.
“It is none of your business, Mother,” Jonathan said, rushing outside into the cool air and down the steps to where the coaches waited.
As they left, she continued to insist to find out the young women’s identity. But he was not going to tell her.
“Who is she? You think you may get away without telling me? I am your mother and I have every right to know the truth,” she insisted.
No matter how angry she was, no matter how hard she fought to learn the truth, Jonathan had no desire for his mother to be aware of the identity of Miss Windsor.
He did not trust that she would be respectful or kind. He was not ready for the two of them to meet yet. Not only that, but he still needed to tell Miss Windsor who he really was. Perhaps, then, he could find a way to introduce her to his mother and give his mother a chance to accept her.
