All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  “Not saying that you don’t isn’t the same as saying that you do,” Kate interrupted. The more Mo backpedalled the worse she felt. But she trusted Mo’s kiss more than her words. “Dammit. I wish that had been a terrible kiss.”

  “There’s a lot more to this than kissing.”

  “I’m not dumb, Mo. I know there’s more.” How was it that Mo, the one who jumped with both feet into every relationship she’d ever had, was suddenly overanalyzing a kiss? Kate knew she’d gone too fast. But she wasn’t ready to talk about it when Mo was clearly pushing her back. “Just tell me if you don’t want me.”

  Mo met her gaze. She didn’t move to kiss her again like Kate hoped. A long minute passed, and then Mo broke their look to glance over at the pie.

  “I can’t say that.”

  “Then why did you stop me?”

  Mo was quiet for a long minute. When Kate had nearly given up waiting, she said, “Your memory of that first day in the dorms is better than mine. But there are things that I do remember.

  “You were wearing a sundress and your toenails were painted—you were all done up like you were going to a party even though we were all moving boxes.” Mo paused. “I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the ground when I first saw you. And then you looked at me. Hands down, you were the most beautiful woman who had ever checked me out.”

  “I had such a crush on you,” Kate admitted quietly.

  “But you never said anything. I guess I always knew but…Do you remember that Truth or Dare game we played that first night? You said you’d never been in love. I wanted to be your first.” Mo sighed. “But it was pretty clear then that you weren’t ready. I told myself I’d wait for you. Then it was fifteen years later and you still hadn’t made up your mind about dating me. And I know what you’re thinking. It wasn’t like I wasn’t hooking up with every other woman who looked my way. I know. But part of me was always waiting for the real thing. For that one day when you’d realize what we had. God, that sounds so cheesy when I say it aloud. But it’s true.

  “When you broke up with Ethan and told your parents you were bi, I thought…well, I thought you’d tell me then. I thought you were in love with me and that was why you broke up with him. We went out to get that cake after your breakup and I just knew you were going to say something. But you didn’t. Weeks passed and we were hanging out every night. In some ways it was perfect. But I started to think there was something wrong with me.”

  “I was waiting for you to ask,” Kate said. “I thought you needed time after Tanya. Then I turned around and you were dating Chantal.”

  “When Chantal asked me out, I thought about saying no. I wasn’t looking for a new girlfriend. But I was so tired of waiting for you to decide. Part of me hoped you’d be jealous. And I know how messed up that sounds.”

  “I was jealous.”

  “But you moved to Denver instead. You said you needed space to figure things out. That’s when it hit me. I couldn’t wait forever. If you didn’t know for sure if you wanted me or not after all those years, I needed to move on.”

  Kate felt a swell of regret. Mo was right. She’d taken years to decide she wanted her. Yes, she’d been attracted right from the start, but she’d been scared of admitting it then. She’d had her reasons. And yet maybe those reasons didn’t matter anymore. Maybe a relationship could work despite everything. Her lips still tingled with Mo’s kiss. If there was a way… “It took me a little longer than most. But I know what I want now.”

  “Do you?” Mo’s tone was cynical.

  “Yes.” Kate felt an uncertainty rise up inside her. Mo was holding her at arm’s length in a way she’d never done. Maybe the kiss had only been lust on Mo’s end.

  “I know what I want. What do you want? One minute you tell me that you’ve been waiting all these years and then the next you say that you aren’t interested because you moved on. Which is it? And how can you kiss me like that if you’ve moved on?”

  Mo shook her head. “If we mess up our friendship—”

  “Too late. I already went there. I already messed everything up.” Kate waited for Mo to argue that she hadn’t, but they both knew the truth. One kiss had changed everything. Their friendship would never be the same.

  The silence stretched. Kate felt the tears on her cheeks, but she quickly wiped them away. Mo’s gaze was on the window, her thoughts concealed.

  “I kept hoping that you’d ask me out,” Kate said. “I didn’t want to be the one to make the first move in case you didn’t really like me that way. And I know this sounds like I’m in high school, but it’s the truth—I never felt like I was cool enough for you. You’re always the one asking women out. I figured if you wanted me, you’d ask.”

  “I never wanted you to turn me down. There was never a time when I was sure that you would say yes. You were always holding back. And you have all these things you won’t talk about.”

  “Well, when I finally stopped holding back it didn’t go so well. Do you blame me?” Kate didn’t want to fight. When she’d imagined telling Mo that she loved her, it hadn’t been anything like this. She took a deep breath. “Look, I know I screwed up. I took too long telling you that I had feelings for you. And you know what really sucks about all of this? That was the best kiss I’ve ever had. Probably the best kiss I’ll ever have.” And it was followed by the worst conversation.

  When Mo didn’t say anything in response, Kate said, “I need to go.”

  “Don’t leave. We’re not done talking.”

  “I can’t keep talking about it. I shouldn’t have kissed you. Let’s just leave it at that.” All the talking in the world wouldn’t change how Mo felt.

  Chapter Twelve

  “You need to go back and talk to her.”

  “It won’t help.” Kate wanted to wallow in self-pity alone. Her tears had left her exhausted, and all she wanted to do was curl up in the sun and fall asleep.

  “You kissed her. Before that ever should have happened, you two needed to have a long conversation. Dating your best friend is a big deal.”

  “Can we please not do this? I know I screwed up.”

  Julia sighed. “I don’t want to make you feel worse, but I think you can fix this if you go back and talk to her.”

  “Go back? So she can tell me again that I’m too late?” Kate shook her head. “No way.” She looked out at the water. Julia had found her sitting on the dock and had sent the kids off with Reed. As much as she’d tried to convince her that she wanted to be alone, Julia was having none of it.

  “You both hurt each other’s feelings. But that doesn’t mean this is the end. For the record, I think Mo screwed up too. She should have asked you out freshman year.”

  It was way too late for debating that. Mo’s words haunted her thoughts—she hadn’t asked her out in college because she wasn’t certain Kate’s answer would have been yes. Was Mo wrong about that? As much as Kate wanted to believe that she would have gone for it then, the reality was that she’d been in college on her parents’ dime and despite everything that had happened, back then she was still worrying about disappointing them. And she was scared of opening up to Mo. Some things hadn’t changed apparently.

  “You know what really sucks? I’m stuck on an island sharing a damn room with her. Where the hell am I supposed to go? I can’t even get in my car and drive somewhere.” Kate searched for her phone and then realized her purse, along with her phone, was back in the room. “Dammit. Can I borrow your phone? I want to find somewhere else to stay.”

  Julia set her hand over her phone. “You’re staying with us. The girls have two beds in their room. They can sleep together in one and you can have the other.”

  Kate dropped her head. “I’m too tired to argue.”

  “You know I’ll win anyway.”

  “True. I also happen to not have a wallet or a phone at the moment so I can’t do a damn thing about it.”

  Julia smiled. “You could just say thank you.”

  “Reed won’t
mind?”

  “No. And the girls will be in heaven having an auntie with them.”

  “Not their favorite auntie.”

  Julia wrapped an arm around Kate. “Sweetie, I know it seems impossible right now, but I think you two still have a chance.”

  “At being friends? There’s no way I’ll be able to be around her without thinking of kissing her.”

  “I’m not saying friends.” Julia squinted at the line of beach behind them. Reed and the kids were building sand castles. She held up her hand and then smiled as all three waved.

  “You’re lucky. Reed’s amazing. So are the girls. And you totally deserve all of them.”

  “I’m lucky,” Julia agreed. She turned back and studied Kate for a moment. “Mo told me something I promised I wouldn’t tell you, but… After you and Ethan broke up, she wanted to ask you on a date. She had it all planned. But Mo’s not as confident as she likes everyone to think. And asking you out was a big deal. You’d come out to your parents, but you’d never been with a woman. And what if it wasn’t what you’d expected? There was something else, though. She told me that if after knowing you for all those years, you still didn’t trust her—”

  “Of course I trust her.”

  Julia looked down at the water, seeming to choose her words before going on. “She doesn’t think you do. And the truth is, I don’t think you do either. You have all these things that you won’t talk about—to either of us. When you said that your father told jokes at the dinner table, I swear Mo nearly fell off her chair. We talked about it afterwards. That was the first time you’ve said anything about your childhood. And I get that you and your mom don’t get along, but it’s more than that. There’s been so many times when you just stop talking. We’ll get on some subject and then out of the blue…you put up a wall. Or you change the conversation.”

  “Everyone has things they don’t want to talk about. Besides you’ve met my parents. It’s not like anyone wants to hear about them.”

  “I’m not only talking about your parents. And I’m not trying to make you feel bad about this. I can hear you’re getting defensive.”

  Kate stopped herself from arguing that she wasn’t. Of course she was. Julia had no idea why, but that wasn’t her fault.

  “The thing is, Mo feels like you don’t trust her enough to talk about issues that come up. Or about your past. That’s a big problem for her. If you two got in a relationship and you still had all these walls, all these things that you wouldn’t talk about…” Julia shook her head. “You’ll do what you want but until you open up to her, I know she’s holding back. And I don’t blame her.”

  “She’s not holding back, she’s done,” Kate said, aware her voice was rising. “And right now, I’m feeling done too. Apparently I can’t do anything right. Maybe I can at least move on.”

  Julia set her hand on Kate’s. “Mo would say you do plenty of things right. She loves you, no matter what she said. Give this time. You kissed her. She kissed you back. It’s not the end of the world.”

  It only felt that way. Kate closed her eyes, turning her face up to the sun. She wanted to disappear or at least reverse everything that had happened that afternoon. Even if she told Mo everything, all of her secrets, that wouldn’t give them a reset. She’d only drag Mo into the mess that was her head.

  “Do you want to go shopping?” Julia asked, suddenly standing.

  “Are you kidding?”

  “There’s this market I discovered near where Reed and I had lunch yesterday—right along the ocean. We don’t have to buy anything.”

  “Have you met me? I don’t go anywhere without buying something.” Kate sighed. In fact, shopping sounded better than spending the rest of the day feeling sorry for herself. “I don’t have my purse.”

  “Give me your key. I’ll go get it.”

  “I don’t have my key.” She’d stormed out without thinking about even that. “Can I just go back to your bungalow and watch TV? I want to curl up in bed and not move for the rest of the night. God, what was I thinking? I can’t believe I kissed her.”

  Julia clicked her tongue. “We’ll make a deal. You get one night to feel sorry for yourself, then tomorrow morning I’m dragging you out shopping. After that we figure out what to do with you and Mo.”

  “I’m not going to be able to watch her screw around with some other woman. I’m not going to be able to pretend I’m okay.” Tears threatened again and she had to look up at the sky to stop them. It was a perfect cloudless day. Paradise. “Dammit. I messed everything up.”

  “Maybe. But if you want her, you could still fix it.”

  True to her word, Julia let Kate sack out in front of the television that afternoon and then the kids kept her from thinking too much that evening by convincing her to color with them. She passed a restless night in a narrow bed in Carly and Bryn’s room while they took turns cuddling with her despite the numerous times she carried each one back to the other bed.

  Hours of rehashing her conversation with Mo kept her awake, and then Julia’s words left her riled and anxious. She kept returning to the question of telling Mo about her past. Maybe airing her dirty laundry would help Mo understand why she’d held back all these years, but she didn’t see how it would make anyone suddenly fall for her.

  The next day, Reed joined her on a morning run and then Julia insisted on the promised shopping trip. By that afternoon, Kate was exhausted, but the twins begged her to take them swimming and Julia agreed for her.

  Julia seemed to think that if Kate wasn’t left to her own devices, she wouldn’t think about Mo. Unfortunately, it didn’t work that way. Her thoughts orbited around Mo despite the distractions. Still the better part of the day slipped by without any sight of her.

  “Are you going to dinner with us?” Julia asked.

  The twins were sprawled in front of the television, winding down from hours playing in the sun, and Kate had been officially relieved of her babysitting responsibilities. “I’m not really hungry.”

  “You’ll have to face her eventually.”

  “I know.”

  “And you might as well be drinking when that happens.”

  Kate looked over at Julia. “You’re probably right.”

  “Anyway, it’s not going to get easier if you push this off another day. Why don’t you wear that new dress you bought this morning? Everyone feels better when they look sexy.”

  Kate sighed. “Yeah, why work on self-confidence when you can put on a sexy dress and pretend?”

  Julia laughed. “You must be feeling better. I missed your sarcasm.”

  “Sorry I’ve been moping all day. I know that’s no fun to be around.”

  “I don’t think the others noticed. You do a good job of pretending.”

  Kate looked down at her hands. She’d been in the process of picking up the wet towels scattered about the room but now wanted to simply dump them on the floor again. Was she doing herself any favors fooling everyone? “I’ve been thinking about what you said…about opening up to her about my issues.”

  “What do you have to lose, right?”

  “Jules, you ought to be a motivational speaker.”

  “I’m considering it as a side gig. And while we are on the subject of things you don’t want to talk about, are you still taking those antidepressants?”

  “Yes. And since you’re being nosey, I already called my therapist and made an appointment for when we get back. I got this,” Kate said, more sure than she felt.

  “One more thing.” Julia took the towel from Kate and tossed it on the ground. “Don’t worry about a little mess. Turns out, it’s healthy. That’s what Reed says and she’s a doctor.” She spread her arms. “Come here.”

  Kate let Julia hold her for a long moment. She knew that if she asked Julia would let her skip dinner after all. Despite her New York exterior, Julia was a softy at heart. But Kate also knew that she wanted Julia, Reed, and even the kids, with her when she faced Mo. She needed all of their supp
ort.

  “How do you think Mo’s doing?”

  Julia stepped out of the hug and held Kate at arm’s length. “Terri was going to convince her to go scuba diving. Both of them are certified.”

  “Awesome.” Not awesome at all. Kate made a pouty face and Julia laughed. “Does it make me an asshole if I wish this was at least affecting her?”

  “You’re not an asshole, but jealousy won’t help either.”

  “Terri would be perfect for Mo.” Kate had seen the attraction from the start and now that she knew Terri better, there was no denying Mo would be well taken care of.

  “Well, that wasn’t jealousy exactly. A little self-defeatist…”

  “I’m pathetic.”

  “At the moment, yes.” Julia gave her an understanding smile. “Mo texted me a bunch today—checking in on you. I know she feels bad. But I only told her what you were doing, not how you were doing.”

  “Thanks.” Kate wondered how she was going to stomach eating tonight if she did join the others for dinner. “Did she seem okay last night at dinner?”

  “Well, she was joking with the twins about salad dressing. I know she was thinking of you, but she was putting on a good act. That’s Mo.”

  Kate thought of the jokes she’d told at dinner the first night—Gary’s jokes. She’d kept so many secrets from Mo. She could have at least told her that Gary was her stepfather. But all her secrets were so carefully balanced that her whole world had become a house of cards. And yet after only a few days, she’d told Terri more than Mo knew. Maybe it was simply that all along she’d wanted Mo to believe her façade.

  What didn’t she know about Mo? It was true what Julia said—Mo put on a good act even when she was hurting. It was only those rare moments when Kate would catch her playing solitaire or staring out a window with a somber expression that she thought of what lay beneath the surface of the happy-go-lucky Mo Calloway. She’d let herself hope that someday Mo would let her know her better, but now she couldn’t think of that.

  “So are you coming to dinner?”