Love's Illusions: A Novel

by Cazzola, Jolene

  Time was passing very quickly. The interviews for both Rockford and Worcester came and went – my mind half on them, and half on maintaining enough rational thought not to start seeing my skull hanging in bits from the ceiling. Since The Canteen was ‘temporarily closed for renovation’ as the sign on the door proclaimed, I had nothing to do except think. Both interviews went well compared to the one with Elk Grove Village. Lana had found out that Mr. Jamison didn’t want someone as young as I was; he told her I looked like a student, not a teacher. Guess he wasn’t fooled by the dress, I thought.

  The school year would be starting again right after Labor Day so time was running out. An unfamiliar sense of panic was setting in: I was anxious, nervous, my mind bouncing around like a ping pong ball from the paddle to the floor then off the wall escaping across the room with me chasing after it – always two steps behind. I actually preferred the feeling of darkness – I was used to that, all I had to do was go to sleep – but this feeling of apprehension, of being scared. I hated it.

  On August 16th I received a telephone call from Mrs. Blackburn, the woman from Worcester, Massachusetts, I had interviewed with. She offered me a position as an art teacher, traveling between three of the junior high schools in town. The school year began with two half days on September 6th and 7th. If I accepted the position I would have to be there by September 4th for teacher meetings. She would send me all paperwork beforehand by mail, but I needed to give her an answer… now.

  I accepted, hung up the telephone, and burst into tears.

  Tears and anger were the only things I seemed to be good at lately. The tears somehow slowed my mind, dulled it in a way, let me feel sorry for myself without letting go of the anger, the rage that whelmed up inside me when I thought about my life. How could things be turning out so differently than I thought they should? Why did it have to be so damn difficult? What did I do to deserve this turmoil? Where was my happily ever after? I knew I wasn’t anybody special – just a regular person. I wasn’t asking life to make me rich or famous; all I wanted was to live a decent normal life with a man I loved. I had loved Stephen with all my heart and soul – look how that turned out. In some ways I loved Michael even more, but was going to lose him too. It wasn’t fair – it just plain wasn’t fuckin’ fair! All I had to do was go with him… why the hell was I choosing a job over him? It wasn’t supposed to be like this – in all my fantasies I had never imagined it ever being like this. I hated my reality.

  In tears, I called Mary Beth. She had been accepted into the MBA program at Northwestern so she was definitely staying in Chicago. Besides, Kent had proposed; they were going to wait until they were both out of school to get married. They were so happy, it was wonderful to watch… the fairy tale was coming true for her – I was delighted for both of them. And a bit envious of the life I saw spreading out at her feet.

  “Hi, what’s up,” she chirped as she answered the phone, then hesitated and asked, “Is something wrong?”

  “Nothing. Everything. I got a job.”

  “That’s great! Which one? Are you crying? You should be happy about this Jackie, not crying.”

  “Yeah, I know. It’s the one in Worcester. I’m going to have to move – now. It starts September 4th. I mean, I am happy – it’s a job, and I’ll be able to pay my own bills – but shit, the problem is Michael. I’m not sure I can leave him.”

  “Jackie, you can’t stay with him – he doesn’t have a future unless he gets away from that asshole brother, and you know it!” she exclaimed. “I mean I like Michael, Kent likes Michael, he’s a great guy – but do you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who could be busted at any minute? Do you?”

  “No,” I replied, tears streaming down my face.

  “You have to pull yourself together. You fell for great sex – I can’t blame you for that – but what good is that if he’s dead or in jail, huh?”

  “No, it wasn’t just that!” I protested. “I fell for him because he’s gentle, and understanding, and he makes me feel so fuckin’ safe and…”

  She cut me off, “…and it’s great sex and the drugs were an added bonus and he was there for you when all the shit was going down with Stephen. I know all the reasons, but if you go with him to California it’ll all explode – then you won’t have him or a job! Take the job, Jackie.”

  “He’s… Shit! He’s just so perfect – he stayed with me when I got pregnant, he didn’t split.”

  “You’re right, he didn’t split. He was willing to take responsibility, but you don’t owe him your life for that. Besides he wanted you to have that kid. You would’ve been trapped, and then what would’ve happened now? He was never going to give up dealing. You made the right decision then or would’ve if you hadn’t miscarried – make the right decision now.”

  “I did. I told Mrs. Blackburn to send the paperwork. I just don’t know if I can make it without him. I’m not sure I want to.”

  “You can and you will,” Mary Beth stated. “I have some time tomorrow, I’ll stop and get some boxes from the grocery store, then come help you start to pack.”

  ~~~~~~~~

  “Hey, babe, how’d things go today?” Michael asked as he came through the apartment door.

  I just stood there looking at him not knowing how to tell him. All it took was one glance; he could tell I’d been crying, and was by my side – this, what he was doing this exact moment, was what I needed, wanted, wasn’t sure I could live without. “What happened? Tell me,” he said as those whiskey brown eyes searched my face for answers.

  “Mrs. Blackburn, the woman I interviewed with for the job in Worcester called. I got it,” I said.

  He paused, then said, “That’s wonderful – I knew you’d get one of those positions.” He let go of my arms, turned and headed towards the bedroom. “It’s good you got the one in Massachusetts, Rockford is a nowhere place, you’d’ve hated it there,” he called out trying to keep his voice steady. “I know, let’s go out for dinner to celebrate… I’ll just jump in the shower and then we’ll go, okay?” he asked.

  I hadn’t moved. “Okay, if we’re going to celebrate, I’ll put on some makeup,” I replied not knowing how the hell to take his reaction. Is he happy I’m going or is he pretending?

  We went to RJ Grunts. It didn’t feel like a celebration to me; it felt like a wake. Our conversation was stilted and awkward, neither of us knowing exactly what to say. “Your parents must be ecstatic,” he said after I relayed the details of the job offer and the move. “You’re going to be close to home again.”

  “Hmph, well I haven’t told them yet, but yeah, I suppose they will be happy. I will be a lot closer – I think it’s about 50 miles. It’s a rundown dumpy city now. I think it had a bunch of textile mills or something like that years ago… and I have an aunt in Worcester, did I tell you that?”

  “No you didn’t. Is it one you like?” he asked.

  “Yeah, she’s cool for her age… the Donna Reed type, always in a flowered dress with a string of pearls – she’s really old though, lives with her sister and her husband. My uncle, the one I was related to, he died a long time ago. His leg had been amputated just above the knee… When I was a kid he let me stick my fingers in the holes in it – I was always jealous that he had holes in his knee and I didn’t,” I replied smiling at the memory.

  We were both done eating – I didn’t know how much longer I’d be able to keep up this small talk or keep my emotions in check, so I asked, “Can we go home now?”

  “Sure,” he said with a forced smile, “let me get the check.”

  “Come with me,” I whispered as we lay in bed – neither of us able to sleep.

  He kissed my forehead, “I can’t.”

  I propped myself up on one elbow, “Yes you can! Goddamn it you can! There’s no good reason why you can’t come. You could get a job there and…”

  “No. We’ve been through all this – I’m going to California. I don’t want to be a mechanic in Worcester any mo
re than I want to be one here – it’s a dead end. Keith’s grow operation is my chance to get out of this rat race.”

  “Is it me… are you just tired of me? Just tell me if you are – be honest with me!” I yelled pulling away from him and scrambling out of bed.

  He followed me into the living room, grabbed my arms forcing me to turn to face him. “Are you fuckin’ crazy? This is tearing me apart! I love you, but I can’t go to Massachusetts any more than you can come with me to California,” he said smiling, but it was a fake smile, I could tell.

  I could hear the struggle in his voice, the flicker of the street lights through the living room window revealing tiny pools of water forming in the corners of his eyes… telling me everything I needed to know, but didn’t want to face. Without another word we hugged – the tears poured from my eyes, but neither of us let go. We had promised each other that the relationship would continue, that we’d talk ‘all the time’, that we’d make trips to see each other, but both of us knew how difficult it would be.

  Two short weeks later I found myself on the sidewalk again, in a familiar position, only this time, instead of being draped around a telephone pole, I was draped around Michael, afraid to let go for fear of losing everything I loved in life. He leaned me against the hood of my Ford Fairlane, and as tears rolled down my cheeks, he cupped my face in his hands, wiping the tears away with his calloused thumbs. He stepped off the curb into the gutter bringing his face level with mine – whispering into my ear, “It’ll be okay Jackie, it’ll all work out, you’ll see.”

  My mind flashed back to the last time he had done this almost two years ago. How… how would it ever work out? I thought. Would love ever be more than a fleeting illusion for us?

  Both of us were lost in our own separate, but mutually shared pain, as if trying to etch an impression of the other into our minds when a middle aged couple came around the corner at the end of the block, arguing, yelling at each other as they made their way down the sidewalk. The noise jolted both of us. As if reading my mind for the last time, Michael said, “That’s not us – that will never be us, I promise.” He reached to open the car door, and I crawled into the driver’s seat, unable to speak. He kissed me on the forehead, one last time. “I love you – I always will. Go now, it’s okay.”

  “I love you too,” I said my voice choking on emotion. He closed the door, nodded and smiled. I only managed to get a couple blocks away when I found myself unexplainably turning around in the middle of the street and racing back. If he’s still there, I’ll stay, I’ll go with him. If he’s still standing there it means I need to go to California, please be there, please be there! But my heart sank as I came around the corner and saw he was gone.

  Epilogue

  The questions life forces on us often go unanswered. We live our lives making the best decisions we can, given the information we have, and the demands of our surrounding world. Not knowing what the next day may bring is part of what makes it worthwhile waking up each morning. Some of us have the inner ability to extricate ourselves from life’s pitfalls; we learn and choose to live safely. Others of us, perhaps with fewer coping skills, or maybe just a different set of skills, struggle with each day, in a world of challenges and fantasies, refusing to let go until there is no other way to survive, except by doing so. But until that time comes, we love to the depths of our souls. Life is unpredictable – the only constant is change. Each and every decision we make leads us one step further towards the next change. If we choose to survive, that’s the price we must pay.

  What Jackie, Michael and Stephen do not know now, is that life is not done with them. Their paths will cross again. Join them on their journey as they love, win, lose and love again.

  Want to know when the next book is available? It’s as simple as clicking the link below to join the Reader’s Group.

  www.jolenecazzola.com

  Meet the Author

  Thank you for reading Love’s Illusions. Although Love’s Illusions is a work of fiction, some of it draws upon personal experiences from my past. Like the book’s protagonist, Jackie Moretti, I am a ‘baby boomer’ who came of age during the societal shift that happened in the 1960s – 1970s. I know what it’s like to face the daily struggle of living on many levels. Part of my reason for writing it was to help you, my reader, know that it is not only possible to survive the loss of love and depression, but to learn to thrive on your own.

  I am currently working on the second book in the Love’s Illusions series. It follows Jackie Moretti as she comes to understand that stress and depression are two very different things, and as she searches for love and balance in her life. I am also working on a non-fiction book based on the real-life stories of people who have lived with struggle and come out better for it on the other end, although not always with a ‘happy ending’. If you are one of these people, I would love to hear from you. Please contact me by going to www.jolenecazzola.com and filling out the contact form or emailing me. While you’re there, sign up for the Reader’s Group to get the latest news and hear about various promotions/giveaways.

  Also, if you enjoyed this book, please leave a review on Amazon. I’d really appreciate it! Just click this link and you’ll be taken to the Love’s Illusions page.

  ~ Jolene Cazzola ~

  Table of Contents

  Stay in the Know

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Chapter One On the Sidewalk

  Chapter Two The Morning After

  Chapter Three Bernie

  Chapter Four The Canteen

  Chapter Five Waking Up

  Chapter Six Sundays

  Chapter Seven Lying to the World

  Chapter Eight Thanksgiving

  Chapter Nine Room 312

  Chapter Ten Take a Deep Breath

  Chapter Eleven At the Hospital… Again

  Chapter Twelve Knight on My Side

  Chapter Thirteen Black Lights

  Chapter Fourteen Circumstantial Evidence?

  Chapter Fifteen Sleep It All Away

  Chapter Sixteen Christmas

  Chapter Seventeen It’s Over

  Chapter Eighteen Those Are Fingers!

  Chapter Nineteen A Hundred Women

  Chapter Twenty Lawyers

  Chapter Twenty-One Westward Bound

  Chapter Twenty-Two Take the Cosmo Test

  Chapter Twenty-Three Homeward Bound

  Chapter Twenty-Four Sibling Rivalry

  Chapter Twenty-Five My Mother Was Right!

  Chapter Twenty-Six It Was an Accident

  Chapter Twenty-Seven Endings

  Chapter Twenty-Eight Life is Good

  Chapter Twenty-Nine Bang Bang

  Chapter Thirty Moving On

  Epilogue

  Meet the Author