Maltese Vulture Murder

by Leslie Langtry

He sounded concerned. That was nice. I liked it when I had this dream. My husband, fearing that something had happened to me, would next kiss all my worries away.

  "Merry!" This time his hands shook my shoulders.

  My eyes popped open. I seemed to be on the bed, spooning the stepladder.

  "What's going on?" I mumbled as I sat up.

  "Why are you sleeping with the stepladder?" my husband asked as his eyes searched mine.

  "Well…" I got to my feet. Huh. I was still dressed. My head hurt, and my tongue felt thick and hairy. "Nellie Lou is coated with a narcotic that's made me see things all day. And then Leonard tried to attack her, so I…" My voice trailed off as I looked at the open bedroom window. No, I'd better not mention that, or the 37 and one third would round up to 38.

  "I totally took the stairs and went out to get the ladder and put her up there." I smiled. "You wouldn't believe the day I've had. I've hallucinated all kinds of things, from squirrels, to Mr. Sun and Mr. Moon, some little imaginary girl on the playground, and a dead guy in the garage."

  Something in Rex's expression brought me up short.

  "What's happened?" I looked to see that the vulture was still safe on top of the bookcase. Then I checked the open window again, in case there was a huge neon sign that said MERRY TOTALLY WENT OUT THE WINDOW.

  Rex just stood there staring at me. Maybe he was a hallucination too. I'd better play it safe and imagine that he really was there.

  "I'm not crazy," I insisted. "It was just some sort of hallucinogen I was dosed with when I touched Nellie Lou. I'm okay."

  He shook his head. "It's not that." I knew that look. He was real alright. Which was a relief.

  "It wasn't? Then what?"

  Rex sighed heavily. "There really is a dead guy in the garage."

  CHAPTER FIVE

  "Oh," I said.

  "Oh?" Rex's right eyebrow went up. "That's all you have to say?"

  I thought about this for a moment. "Yup."

  "Nothing about the body in the garage?" His eyes encouraged me to say something, but I wasn't sure what it was.

  "I thought it was another hallucination."

  I followed my husband to the garage, where Soo Jin waved at me. Drop-dead gorgeous and literally the nicest woman on the planet, the medical examiner had not been my favorite person when she'd moved here. But a few years later, we'd become fast friends. There was no avoiding it because dead bodies seemed to pop up around me all the time.

  "Hey, Merry!" she shouted.

  I walked over. There really was a dead guy on my garage floor.

  "Do you know who he is?" Rex asked.

  "Hey," I protested, "he's in your parking spot on your side of the garage, so this corpse is connected to you."

  Rex shook his head slightly before asking me again.

  "No," I said. "I don't know him."

  Soo Jin got to her feet. "I'm pretty sure he was poisoned. There are some variables that make me think so, but as you know I can't give you an official determination until the autopsy is over."

  Rex stared at the man. He looked to be in his fifties, in good shape. Dark hair was peppered with gray, particularly at the temples. He was wearing a polo shirt and cargo shorts, with tennis shoes.

  "No sign of struggle?" Rex asked.

  "It's interesting that you should say that." She pointed to a dark, greasy footprint on his leg. "Because of the condition he's in, I'd say no. There aren't any defensive wounds, nothing to indicate he was in a fight, except for this."

  "He wasn't in a fight." I sighed. "I poked him with my shoe."

  The garage became the quietest place on the planet as all eyes were on me.

  "He was already dead," I explained. "But I didn't think he was real, so I went to bed." My logic seemed a little fuzzy, but Rex stepped in and explained.

  "You remember kicking his leg?" Soo Jin asked, as if what he'd said was completely normal.

  I nodded. "I'm pretty sure that's where I poked him. Sorry about that."

  Dr. Body seemed to accept my apology, and she motioned for her attendants to take the body away. She gave me a cheery bye-bye as she left. It was kind of fun helping Rex put up the crime scene tape, but I got the distinct impression that he didn't think so.

  Back in the house, we sat on the couch.

  "What time is it?" I asked.

  "Three in the morning." He rubbed his eyes.

  I snapped my fingers. "I forgot to give Soo Jin Nellie Lou! I thought she might be able to test her for drugs."

  "You can do it in the morning." Rex studied me. "Are you feeling okay?"

  I waved him off. "Oh sure. I've had this stuff in my system before. A rasher of bacon and a package of Oreos in the morning and I'll be right as rain."

  If my husband was confused by this, he didn't say so, as I followed him upstairs and we went to bed. In the darkness, before I fell asleep, I could swear that Nellie Lou was alive, staring down at me, poised to attack.

  * * *

  Sure enough, once I'd had a sugar and salt fix in the morning, I was just fine. I felt pretty great too, as if I'd slept for two days. It was sunny and warm outside, and I was itching to figure out what had happened here last night.

  Rex questioned me again, as if my story might change.

  I sighed. "I've told you, I have no idea who that guy was. Like I said, he's your body because he was on your side of the garage. Your garage."

  "Your logic astounds me," he said drily.

  I pointed a piece of bacon at him. "Did you kill him? Don't worry, I won't tell if you did."

  His jaw dropped open. "No, of course I didn't kill him. You were the one who found him. You were the one who was here."

  "I'm pretty sure that won't hold up in court," I said before popping another Oreo into my mouth.

  Rex rubbed his face with both hands. "Our victim had no ID on him. We haven't found a strange car parked anywhere. I'll get the fingerprints this morning and run them, but I have a sneaking suspicion that we won't get anything."

  "Why not?" I shooed Philby away from the pile of bacon.

  "He's probably some terrorist or spy or something. That's what happens around you one hundred percent of the time."

  "You're just saying that because that's what's happened so far. That doesn't mean this time isn't different," I countered.

  He had me there, but I wasn't giving in. A lot of terrorists, dictators, and a motley assortment of criminals had died in my presence in Who's There. It wasn't reported because the CIA or FBI always came here to clean up. And since it was usually a matter of national security, nobody questioned it.

  "At any rate"—Rex got up from the table—"I've got to head into the station. But I still think this is connected to you."

  I stood up. "And what do I get when you're proven wrong?"

  Rex laughed and took me into his arms, kissing me. "I'll take that bet. If I'm wrong, I'll take you on a romantic trip."

  My jaw dropped. "You never take time off! The only time we've had a trip was our honeymoon!"

  He crossed his heart with his index finger. "That's my wager."

  I agreed. "And if I'm wrong? Which I'm not by the way. What do you want?"

  Rex picked up his briefcase and headed for the door. "No more dead bodies for at least a month."

  "Deal!" I said a little too quickly.

  It was only after he was gone that I realized I had no way of making that happen. How could I possibly do that? And how could I win the bet? An idea formed in my head. I'd need help.

  CHAPTER SIX

  "Riley, please?" I hated begging, but this was important. "Help me?"

  He shook his head, his sun-bleached, wavy blond hair moving seductively in slow motion. "I've got a big case. I don't have time for Scooby-Dooing."

  I glanced at Kelly, his new researcher, but she was focused on her screen. For a moment, I wondered if I should tell her about Nellie Lou drugging me, but I decided against it. She'd had to patch me up so many times, at some point she was
going to give up on me. And I wasn't ready for that.

  There was also the chance she'd think I'd use the doped-up bird on the girls. Sure, I was going to see what my cat would do, but these kids weren't ready to be dosed with hallucinogens. I was pretty sure that was more of a middle school type of thing.

  Besides, I'd dropped the dead raptor off at the morgue first thing. Soo Jin said she'd run tests for me, but she didn't have any more answers on the corpse who'd occupied my garage…I mean, Rex's garage (and parking space) and who was now chilling in her wall cooler.

  "I've taken his prints but haven't had a chance to run them." She showed me a card with each fingerprint on it. "I'll see if Rex can run them." She glanced at the ceiling. "They've been short a doctor for the last three days, and I've had to help them out. It's taking me forever to get things done."

  "What happened to the doctor?"

  Soo Jin shrugged. "I'm not sure, but there have been murmurings that he just snapped and walked out one day. Happens all the time in these small, rural hospitals."

  "It does?" I was surprised. Kelly hadn't mentioned it happening before. But then again, the doctors did very little—according to her, the nurses really ran the show.

  Soo Jin nodded as the phone rang. She answered and listened for a moment before hanging up.

  "I have to run upstairs for a moment. Can you wait until I get back?"

  "Of course!"

  The minute she walked out of the room, I took the fingerprint card and made a copy. Then I opened the cooler, slid the dead man's tray out, and took a few pictures on my cell. I'd barely gotten him back inside and shut the door when she returned. It wasn't a very nice thing to do, but it would give me a head start on the bet. I'd just have to make sure that my little theft of intel didn't come back to haunt my friend.

  "Sorry about that." Soo Jin smiled brightly. "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

  I shook my head as I backed out the door, the fingerprint copy in my waistband, under my T-shirt.

  "No. Thank you! Let me know what you find out about Nellie Lou." And with one last look at my beloved and toxic raptor, I fled.

  * * *

  "I'm busy, Wrath." Riley shook his head at my plea for assistance.

  "Come on," I pressed. "We go way back. You've come to me for help. Now I need yours."

  He ran his hands through his perfectly gleaming golden mane. The man was far too handsome for his own good. And too charming when he wanted something. But I was too smart to fall for that.

  "I really am busy. I've got a huge case that's going to take all of my time. I'll have to travel a lot too. As the only private investigator in this county…"

  "What's this big case that makes you too busy to help out a friend and former colleague? I just need you to hack into the Agency for me. No big."

  He held up his hands. "I can't violate my client's confidentiality. That's a sacred trust."

  It took everything I had not to roll my eyes. I wanted to give in, but sadly, I needed this idiot's help.

  "I understand that. This will only take a moment, I swear."

  He rolled his eyes, and I wanted to kill him with his own stapler.

  Riley sized me up, assessing my weaknesses, just like he used to. "This is my business, Merry. I have two employees now. I need the paid work."

  This was total bull. Riley had some serious money in the bank, and an as of yet unexplained trunkful of possible black-market Twinkies.

  I folded my arms over my chest. "You've had paid work before and still helped me."

  Riley sighed. "Oh sure, two cheating husbands and one cheating wife. Those were solved quickly. And then there was that missing crop of experimental corn seed…"

  "That Rex solved for you," I interrupted.

  He threw his hands into the air. "I have had good, solid cases."

  I narrowed my eyes. "Like the wealthy young widow last month?"

  He nodded. "Yes, like Sindee."

  "Ah right." I nodded. "The one who doesn't know how her name is spelled. She was a hot, wealthy young redhead who lost her diamond necklace."

  "Which," he said a little defensively, "I found."

  "Yeah, in her bedroom," I said. "I wonder what else you found there. Her hoo-hah?"

  "This is a real case, with real clients." He sniffed. "Serious stuff."

  The door flew open, and in trotted at least a dozen of the prettiest young blondes I'd ever seen. They were all wearing Greek sorority letters on their ample chests and tiny red shorts over their rounded bottoms. Who they hell were they? Had Who's There been invaded by Barbie dolls? Nobody is that perfect.

  The girls ran over to us and launched into a rousing cheer.

  "Hi Oh Delta O, rah rah rah!"

  Um…okay?

  Riley almost blushed through his perpetual, astonishingly even tan. Which was the equivalent of a redhead turning fiery red from head to toe.

  "Ladies, what are you…" he started to say.

  Three of the girls threw themselves into his arms. "Thank you for taking the case, Mr. Andrews!"

  My right eyebrow went up. The case? Was this the oh-so-important and deadly serious case he was working on?

  Two of the girls simultaneously kissed him on each cheek. How did they coordinate that without ESP?

  The one who didn't kiss him tried to look stern and failed as she spoke in her bubblegum voice. "Everyone else has written it off, but this is serious!"

  I dialed my smirk up to ten.

  "What happened?" I asked, getting their attention for the first time. They looked at me as if I was a three-headed catfish with boils.

  "Mr. Andrews"—an absurdly happy young thing bounded over on tanned, shapely legs—"is going to find our missing Poopsie!"

  I levelled a gaze at Riley. "Poopsie?" I wasn't entirely sure what that was but wondered if it was also under the bed with Sindee's hoo-hah.

  She nodded eagerly. "Our mascot! He's a stuffed penguin."

  Another blonde pouted adorably. "We were seeded second in the Phi Xi beer pong tournament. We'd been out all night. When we got home, he was gone!"

  I'd been in college. I knew the score. "How do you know one of the other sororities or fraternities didn't prank you by taking it?"

  The girls shook their heads vehemently, golden locks bouncing all around and falling neatly into place after. Was this real? Was I being pranked?

  "We asked them! Everyone from Oogie to Smee! No one claims to have taken it."

  Oh, well, that clears that up…

  Riley seemed to have regained his voice. "I'm going to search all of the Greek houses, just to make sure."

  And I'd be willing to bet he'd start with the sororities.

  "Why else would someone take it?" I asked.

  Kelly looked up from her monitor, stifling a grin.

  A particularly statuesque woman stepped forward. She had glasses on and thus looked smarter than the others. The sorority must've needed her for their diversity quota.

  "I don't know," she said. "We only had one witness. Our house mom said she saw a very large man with weird hair lurking around the grounds that day. And a very short, skinny man the day before that."

  My spy-dy senses tingled.

  I turned to Riley. "Now you'll have to help me," I insisted.

  "Why's that?" He looked irritated.

  "Because it sounds like Mr. Sun and Mr. Moon—the guys who came into Ferguson Taxidermy yesterday."

  The girl with the glasses managed to frown without wrinkling her perfect skin. "Ferguson? That's who made Poopsie, ten years ago!"

  My eyebrows went up, but I said nothing. These two cases were linked, whether Riley liked it or not.

  One of the blonds gasped with exaggerated alarm. "Do you think it's related?"

  Of course it was. Two creepy guys come into town, and suddenly there are missing taxidermied animals?

  "I think it is," I said, earning a furious look from Riley.

  "We can't say for sure," he said, finding his
voice at last. "But I'm already looking into that case and do think they are tied together."

  Liar.

  The girls squealed and lined up, each kissing Riley on the cheek before running outside to probably burst into spontaneous cheering. I did notice that as each one passed Claire on the way out, they gave her a little handshake. Was the odd redhead an alum? And if so, was she required to pick a different hair color after she graduated?

  I grinned. "You just told them you're working on it, which means you are helping me."

  He ignored me. "Kelly, can you look for any taxidermy-related thefts in the Midwest?"

  She nodded and went to work.

  "I'm not saying"—Riley looked at me—"that the two cases are related. But I will be the lead on this. Understand?"

  "Whatever," I said as I sat down in a chair facing his desk.

  Riley sighed and sat down too.

  I handed him the fingerprints and showed him the photo on my phone. "I need to know if this guy is associated with the CIA."

  Riley stared at the fingerprints. "Is this the stiff they found in your garage last night?"

  "In Rex's parking space! In his garage," I protested. Then I stopped. "Hey, how did you know about that?"

  "I have a police scanner." He rolled his eyes. "Duh."

  Huh. Maybe I needed one of those. Betty could probably teach me how to make it work.

  "Just hack into the Agency mainframe, and let's see if there's a match."

  "Fine." He sighed and began scanning the fingerprints. I sent the image on my cell to his phone, and he printed it out.

  I stayed right where I was.

  "Are you going to sit there all day?" he asked.

  I ignored him. "So, what do you think these weirdos are doing with Poopsie right now?"

  He shuddered. "I don't want to know."

  "I wonder if they'll steal something from Ferguson Taxidermy? Maybe I should stake the place out. There are some penguins in there. Maybe it's a penguin fetish?"

  Riley shook his head. "I'm not even sure this is related. You said the two men came into the store yesterday? How is that a crime?"