by K. L. Jessop
“You are stronger than you think.”
“Where are you? Where’s Grandpa?” My eyes scan the wet cobbles of the soundless street. The whispered echoes get louder with the wind and my tiny feet are frozen with the winter ice. I shiver as I stand in my pyjamas, my small infant body in the wide open space. “I—I can’t see you.” I cry. “Where are you?”
“Believe, Tamzin…” The high-pitched whisper sends chills down my back. “You can do this.”
“I—I don’t know how.” I turn behind me as a rush in cold air lifts my hair. I see nothing but dark wet streets. “Tell me what I need to do.”
“Let him help you find your way…” The softness in her voice is slowly disappearing into the night.
“No. No, don’t go. Come back.” Turning anxiously in the hope I find her, the ice breeze freezing my hot tears. “Gran!”
“Always believe, Tamzin…” Her words are a distance whisper. “Always… believe...”
“Gran! Gran!”
I bolt upright in the bed, gasping for air in the darkened room as the heat channels up my limbs. My body shakes, and my heart pounds as the whispers of her voice still rumble in my mind.
“Tami?” Noel’s warm hand rests on my bare back as he sits up. “You ok? You’re all hot and sweaty.” His soft concerned voice, thick with sleep, is enough to have me blink back the tears. He strokes my back, easing the tension.
“I had a dream,” I whisper, not being able to work out if it was a bad one.
“Want to talk about it?”
There is nothing much to talk about. I was alone in the dark with voices. “No.” I turn to look at him in the darkness, my eyes heavy, my mind confused. “I just want you to hold me.”
“Ok,” he murmurs, brushing the hair from my face and guiding us back down to the mattress. We lay in silence; his arms are the comfort that I need as I relax against him. Holding me close, he draws light circles on my skin. The last thing I can remember before my eyes drift close is thanking him for being with me.
I lay awake watching him sleep. It’s just before six, the outside frosted air chilling the room. The light from Noels upstairs landing shines through the doorway on his bare torso, highlighting the ripples of his chest. He sleeps soundless with one arm behind his head, the other over his hip. He’s gorgeous. It’s hard to believe that this man often seems older in his ways. My previous lovers were selfish and irritating assholes. My first spent more time with other women than he did me. The other, we just fizzled out. They weren’t level-headed like Noel. He’s focused, committed, hardworking and has numerous values and beliefs. Add that to the sexy, passionate yet leading men in the bedroom and you have the perfect package. His beliefs in family life and loyalty warm my heart. You can see the love behind his eyes when he talks about them.
I think back to last night’s dream. The shiver down my spine is a sign it is still fresh in my thoughts, an uneasy feeling lying heavy in my stomach. It didn’t scare me like my dreams did as a child but it left me unsettled. Maybe it was a sign. Of what I don’t know, but Gran's words keep playing in my mind. ‘Let him help you find your way.’ Does she mean Noel? Could he help me?
Noel shifts in his sleep and the hours of watching him have awoken my desires. I lean forward to kiss his chest, causing his skin to bubble with chills. His nipples harden and I pull the bud between my teeth before I work my mouth down his torso. His hand immediately comes to my head.
“It seems my angel is feeling a little naughty this morning?” he croaks. I don’t answer, I just carry on with my seduction. I sense him rub his eyes as I continue to pepper kisses, his morning wood on full show as I shift myself down. “How did you sleep? Want to talk about your dream?”
“No.” I have no intention of talking. “I want to recreate the new one I had after.”
“Which was?” there’s a smile behind his growl.
“The one where you’re deep inside me making me scream to fuck me harder.” I breathe, turned on to the max. I take his hard length in my hand and hover my lips at the tip. My mouth waters at the sight, needing to take him and taste him. “This is just one of many sights that highlight my day.” I flick my tongue over the tip. He groans. “So what’s it going to be, this time, Mr Thompson? Suck you or ride you?”
I don’t give him chance to answer as I take him into my mouth, the satisfied growl is enough for me to take him all the way to the back of my throat as best as I can. His hand fists my hair. “Jesus, Tami.” The thrill that always shoots through me when he calls me that sends sparks through my body as I work him with my mouth and pump the base with my fist. The position in which I’m on the bed gives him the perfect opportunity to plunge two fingers deep inside me, I moan into him, gripping my free hand on his thigh as he thrusts me hard.
“Tami, stop, I’m going to cum.” He fists my hair tighter in his grip. I’m so wrapped up in him it blurs my vision. I want every part of him, his body, his breath… his heart. In a flash, I’m lifted from him with a squeal and brought to straddle him. “Good morning,” he rasps, with a kiss to my neck. “I like the sound of that dream.”
“You’ll like it even more if you relive it with me.” He takes a condom from the bedside and rips it open. I take it from him and roll it on his steel length before easing myself down on him, taking all of his fullness inside of me and feeling every inch of my body come alive. Just the touch of his skin sends me dizzy. My head falls back with a moan as I rock my hips, he’s so deep. He feels too good. Holding the hard muscle of his thighs I arch my back, I move faster, hitting that perfect spot as trails of passion begin to fizz up my legs. “Oh god, Noel. Your cock drives me crazy,” I pant. Which is no lie, each time gets better, hotter, more intoxicating as he engulfs me with his whole being.
He sits forward, pulling my nipple with his teeth. “Careful, Angel, you make it sound as though that’s all you want from me.”
“Isn’t that what this month’s about?” I gasp. With his power, I’m quickly flipped and slammed onto my back. He thrusts hard into me, his hits like punishment, deep, forceful and almost on the brink of pain. Each pound is harder than the last and I love every fucking minute of it. I clench around him, crying out in a voice I don’t recognise as my own. His own climax roars from his body, filling the condom with his hotness as he says my name in a harsh growl. He collapses his weight on top of me, feeling his heartbeat against my chest as he buries his head in the crook of my neck. I kiss his hair and envelop me arms around him. “That was way better than any dream.”
Noel.
I don’t know why her words of my cock driving her crazy rattle me in the way they do. Shit like that sends every man’s ego through the roof, I should be thrilled. I had no doubt I gave her body endless pleasure but a part of me wanted to give her more than that, and not just what she was looking to gain in the month’s festivities. Every second of every hour, Tamzin draws me closer in a way I can’t even begin to rationalise. My urges for her are off the scale. It makes me question if I’ve made the right choice in asking her to spend the month with me. Because while I’m helping her through her suffering of December my heart is beginning to realise it wasn’t just sex I wanted.
“Noel, are you alright?” My mother’s soft but concerned voice comes from across the kitchen island. She’s doing her usual in preparing for Christmas by rolling out pastry for the next batch of mince pies. The Apple and Cinnamon loaf has not long come out of the oven and the house smells divine. Her question to me is not one where I can answer with a ‘yeah, I’m fine.’ Because I only ever watched her cook when there’s something on my mind.
“How long did it take you to realise you loved Dad?” The rolling pin immediately stops as her head lifts up, that look of excitement flashing in her green eyes. “Don’t get excited I’m just asking a question.”
She dusts her hands off and cuts a piece of fresh baked Apple and Cinnamon bread, handing it to me on a plate, along with an opened carton of custard from the fridge. I don’t thi
nk twice about digging in to take a bite. My mother’s cooking is fucking incredible. “Shit me this is good.”
“Thank you, but mind your mouth.”
She takes a sip of her mulled wine and looks into her glass. “Everyone is different. Sometimes it’s quicker than you thought it would be and for others, it’s a little longer. But then there’s those that know what they want but are scared to show it.”
“Why?”
“Rejection, darling. No woman wants that. Nor does a man for that matter.” Was that the issues with Tamzin? Does she feel worried about showing her feelings when it comes to relationships? To me? “So I take it you have feelings for Tamzin?” My mid-flow of eating stops as I look up at her. “Your father told me. And don’t think we haven’t noticed you in this dreamy world these last couple weeks. He said she’s nice.”
She’s more than nice. She’s incredible, breath-taking, sometimes a little frustrating.
“Her grandparents were her guardians, they both passed away a few years ago and she’s cut all ties with celebration since then because she felt guilty for living a life.”
“So let me guess you being the perfect gentlemen wanted to change her way of vision?”
“I asked to spend the month with her to help her through, have a little fun. Now I’ve gained more than I expected and have fallen for her.”
“December is the season of love after all.” She smiles. “I met your father at Christmas. A year later we were married.”
“I know; you remind us boys every year.” I chuckle.
I hope it’s not just Christmas that’s clouding my judgment with the festivities of joy and laughter. What would happen in a cold January where there are no fairy lights and festive love? Would she still want to be with me then? The thought of not being with her leaves an unpleasant feeling in my stomach. I didn’t like the idea of not waking up beside her or going to bed alone.
“What if she doesn’t want me?”
“And why would she not?” she asks with a frown. I shrug my shoulder unsure on what I’m even trying to say and continue to eat my dessert. Mum places her hand on mine, the glow in her cheeks from her mulled wine making her green eyes sparkle. “Noel, you’re not going to know unless you speak of your feelings. Only then can you move forward in whichever way that takes you.” She taps my hand and returns back to her cooking. “Besides if it doesn’t work out you know what they say. When life gives you lemons.”
“Make lemonade.” I smile.
“Exactly.”
Tamzin.
I pour myself another glass of wine. The darkened room and warm glow of my Christmas tree is failing to brighten my mood. I’m not feeling myself today. I wasn’t feeling the enthusiasm at work, either, and I’m not experiencing the edge of Christmas bliss that has been slowly knocking my walls down. Today I just feel alone and miserable. I’ve not felt this way in weeks. I’m not one to admit when I’m wrong and I’m certainly not going to admit to Noel, but he is gradually winning me round with the fact my spirit in the festive season is coming back. I now feel I have a purpose to get out of bed on a morning. If I told him that was his doing his ego would definitely explode.
We have done so much together. In an ordinary world, the things we’ve done are minor, but to me, they’ve been huge and sometimes I’ve found it a hidden struggle. But something must be happening because that new feeling I’ve had in the pit of my belly these past few weeks has been troubled by something else today. My soul feels as cold as it does outside. Or it could be because I’ve not seen Noel in over a day. He had to take a short business trip outside of the city and talking to him on the phone was comforting but having his arms around me is the warmth and security I’ve needed for as long as I can remember. I miss him. And a part of me dislikes the fact I’ve become so attached to him, but I can’t stop what I feel even if I tried. One thing I’ve learnt is that Noel Thompson has two drug craving sides. Sweet versus sexy. Charming in public, sultry in the bedroom. And I have fallen hard for both.
My grandpa often said that there comes a time when you meet someone and you just want to hold their heart for the rest of your life. I want that with Noel. I don’t want to think of a future without him in mine. People fall for each other all the time and I’ve never felt for a man what I feel for him. I need him just as greatly as I need the air to survive.
I’m brought out from my gloomy state by the sound of knocking on my front door. I recognise it, it’s the same knock I’ve often heard since the beginning of December and it’s the same knock that causes my belly to swarm with butterflies. Peeling myself from under the blanket, I head to the door, pulling up my long socks that have slipped down my shins.
“Good evening, Angel.” Like many times before I’m smacked in the face with his panty-melting looks.
“Hey,” I say softly, letting him in. “You’re back early.”
“Thought I’d surprise you.”
I’m jerked towards him by the hip but instead of going in for a kiss, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and mould into him. He feels so good as my downheartedness slowly melts away with the presence of him. The warmth from the inside of his coat sweeps through onto the thin layer of my robe, warming my skin with his touch. “Have I told you, you provide the best hugs?”
His hands slide down my back and rest on my ass with a squeeze. “Have I told you, you have the best ass?” he growls. I roll my eyes. The man has no control.
“Not recently?” I smile, pulling back slightly to take him in. He's not shaved today and the short regrowth against his chocolate eyes makes him even hotter than he already is.
“How was your meeting?” I ask, picking at the fabric of his coat.
He remains one hand on the small of my back and brings the other to my chin, lifting my head to look at him. Concern fills his eyes with a depth I’ve never noticed before. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince, but then if I knew the cause of my troubles I’d speak them. “I’ve just missed you that’s all.” For a second, I’m uncertain if I should have said that. But the reaction of his heart-warming smile more or less tells me he likes the idea of being missed.
“I’ve missed you too, now are you sure there’s nothing wrong?”
“I’m fine.” I pull him to my lips and decide I need to be more optimistic. “So what’s on the agenda tonight?”
“Nice choice of subject change there.” He smiles. “I need to stop off at the office so I thought we’d just soak up the atmosphere of the city.”
“So we’re going shopping?”
“Who says we’re shopping? Can’t a woman walk through town and have the willpower not to go into a clothes store?”
My eyes widen in astonishment. “Clearly, you’re out of touch with women. Walking past a clothes store and not going inside is like giving a guy a new set of cars keys and telling him he can’t drive.”
“Interesting pointer, Miss King, but is there a fact in there?” He smirks.
“Fact is smart-ass; you know I’m right. You, boys, are just as hormonal over gadgets like we are over shoes and handbags.” I squeal as his hand makes contact with my ass.
“Go get dressed.” He orders.
“Was that because you knew I was right?”
“If you don’t hurry up the only place you’ll be going is right over my knee, and as much as I would love that I want to take you out.”
“Shame,” I sigh, gradually walking backwards with a sinful grin, undoing my robe for it to fall from my bare body. His eyes instantly turn liquid, the slight side glance of his head enough to know I have him. “Because I really like being over your knee.”
“So help me god,” he growls, kicking the door closed as I run towards the bedroom giggling with him fast approaching behind me.
After our little playful delay, I link arms with Noel as we walk down the Southbank of the Thames. We decided in the car that the main city would be too busy and a leisurely stroll was
more appealing than stressed humans with half a store on their arms. The snowfall has now left ugly brown sludge in over walked areas and as the month moves deeper into December, the weather is bitter and bone tingling.
“What are you like with heights?” Noel questions. I look up from my red coat that I can’t help but keep looking at.
“I’m good. Why?”
“Fancy a ride?” He nods towards the London eye that’s lit up in blue along with the row of trees that line a walkway. “Please tell me you’ve been on that after living here all this time?”
I wrinkle my nose up to his joke. “Yes actually. Although not at night.”
“Then let’s go.” I’m pulled toward the line of people that wait to enter the carriages. The smiles and laughter from them are a warmth to my stomach. Ladies, in heels and little clothing, walk past in party hats and streamers, clearly on their way to or from a party as children’s excitement built around us.
“Everyone seems more cheerful tonight.”
“It’s a week till Christmas, Tami, they will be.”
“I’m not.” I grin.
“Yes, I’ve noticed you’re not yourself tonight. Do I need to take you home and work that joyfulness back into you a bit more?”
“No thanks, I can get just as must satisfaction from my vibrator.” I giggle.
“Oh really?” He smirks, moving forward to grab my waist but I jump away. He clutches my arms to pull me into him, nuzzling his scruffy jaw into my neck. I laugh harder trying to push him off because it tickles. It’s the first time I’ve felt at ease all day, but then in an instant everything stops the second I hear the brass band starting up across the way. My laughter. My breathing. My heart. It all stops dead as my blood runs cold.
“Tamzin?”
Unfamiliar pain shoots throughout my body as the beautiful tones of brass instruments grow louder with the wind, engulfing my mind with raw memories. I’ve not listened to a veteran’s band in years. Not since my grandparents died. That was one thing I could never face and the closer Christmas came the more I fought to avoid them. I can hear Noel calling my name as his soft gloved hands cup my face, but everything is blurred. Darkness fills around me at a fast rate as my heart pounds with agony, lost and hollowness. My mind flashes like strobes, replaying the times of when I stood a proud little girl watching my grandparents play the festive melodies to the winter crowd as I danced the street in front of them. And now they’re gone and I’m no longer that girl anymore.
