Holy Rollers

by Rob Byrnes

  Uninvited, Grant took a seat in her favorite chair. “I need you to bank me twenty thou for the setup. Figure I’ll need the cash for about a month. Maybe six weeks at the outside.”

  She whistled. “Twenty thousand dollars is a lot of money, Lambert.”

  “Too much money,” Mary Beth added as she stood behind the couch, her arms folded across her chest. “Especially for one of Lambert’s dumbass schemes.”

  Grant nodded, deferential to Lisa and again ignoring Mary Beth. “I know it’s a lot of money, but I think you’ll like the rate of return. If this works out…”

  Mary Beth grunted at the “if.”

  “When this works out, you’ll find it worth your while.” He thought for a moment. “Also, I’m gonna need your real estate connections.”

  “House or apartment?” asked Lisa.

  “Better make it a house,” said Chase, who had been idly looking out a floor-to-ceiling window at the Queensboro Bridge while listening to the conversation. “It’s a ‘house’ kind of community. Plus we’ll need the privacy.”

  “How long?”

  “Like Grant said, four to six weeks. Starting as soon as we can get keys.”

  Lisa sat down on the couch across from Grant, tucking one leg underneath her. “I think you’d better fill me in on the details.”

  Chase stepped away from the window and looked at Grant, who sighed and finally said, “There’s some money in a safe in Virginia. And we plan to get it.”

  She looked at her nails, although that wasn’t really where her attention was.

  “I think you can share a bit more information than that. If we can’t trust each other after all these years…”

  “The safe’s in a church.”

  “Technically, it’s not in the church,” added Chase. “It’s in an administration building, which is near the church.”

  “I don’t know how specific we have to—” Grant began before Lisa cut him off.

  “No, I like specific. You want twenty grand, and I want every specific detail. That seems like a fair trade.” She smiled triumphantly at their silence. “How much money is in that safe?”

  Again, Grant and Chase exchanged glances and held their silence.

  “Okay,” said Lisa, when the standoff passed the thirty-second mark, “if you’re not going to tell me how much money’s involved, I’m not going to bankroll the job.”

  The words tumbled out of Grant’s mouth. “Seven million dollars.”

  Lisa’s eyebrows did a little dance. “Now you’ve got my attention. Seven million?” Grant and Chase nodded. “If I give you the seed money, my share is one-third.”

  Grant did the math in his head and didn’t like the numbers. Depending on how much cash was actually in the safe, a twenty thou investment could earn her back over two million dollars. Maybe more. That was a ridiculous return for a banker. What he was about to propose was still ridiculous, just slightly less so.

  “I’ll pay you back an even half million. A twenty-five-to-one return on your investment. That’s more than fair.”

  Lisa pulled a cigarette from her pack, lit it, inhaled, exhaled, tapped ash into a glass ashtray stolen decades earlier from the Russian Tea Room, and otherwise left Grant and Chase hanging until she was confident she had the upper hand. All the while, Mary Beth stood behind her, stone-faced.

  Finally, Lisa spoke.

  “Fair? Not the way I see it. I have the money, and you don’t have the money. But you need twenty thou. For all I know, I’m going to be dropping big bills and getting no return. And if something goes wrong, how are you going to pay me back?”

  “Why do you think something will go wrong?”

  “Lambert!” Lisa’s laugh had a hard edge. “I know you. I’m willing to loan you what you need, but I have my terms: one-third.” She took another drag off her cigarette, giving them a few seconds to think it over. “I have to be firm about that.”

  Grant leaned forward in the chair. “But—”

  “Now, if you have another banker…”

  He leaned back again.

  “Didn’t think so.”

  Chase, slightly less disapproving of Lisa’s cut than Grant, asked, “And you can find us a rental, too?”

  “Where in Virginia?”

  “Place called Nash Bog. Up near the Maryland border, ’bout an hour outside Washington.”

  “So it’s a DC commuter community. You said a house, right?” Chase nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure I can find you a furnished home. Professionals are always renting out their places when they’re sent on long-term assignments. How big?”

  “I don’t think it needs to be too big,” said Chase. “We just need enough room for Grant and me. Oh, and Paul Farraday.”

  Lisa cocked an eyebrow. “That drunk is in on this job, too?”

  “Yeah,” Grant confirmed.

  “What’s his take?”

  “Less than yours.” Grant winced at the knowledge that a third of the loot was gone before he’d even seen or touched it. “But he brought us the job. See, his cousin got fired from the church for being gay, and this is the cousin’s way of getting revenge.”

  Lisa asked, “And how much is this cousin getting?”

  “Also less than you.”

  “Okay, then.” Lisa stood, announcing the end of the meeting. “I’ll advance you twenty thousand dollars and arrange for a furnished house for a month in Nash Bog. I can probably have my end of the bargain wrapped up by late tomorrow afternoon. And when the job is over…”

  “You get one-third,” said Grant. “Not bad for a few hours’ work.”

  “Right.” She smiled. “And Lambert?”

  “Huh?”

  “Let’s both hope Farraday’s cousin is right, and the safe isn’t full of old newspapers.”

  “I hear you.”

  “Because if it is…”

  “I hear you.”

  “…you’re going to be pulling a lot of heists over the next few years to pay me back.”

  “I hear you.”

  “Every penny,” added Mary Beth. She was Lisa’s punctuation mark.

  $ $ $

  As soon as the door closed behind the departing Grant and Chase, Mary Beth turned to Lisa and said, “I cannot believe you’re lending those losers twenty thousand dollars.”

  Lisa latched the door and threw the deadbolt, hoping Grant and Chase were still close enough to hear the finality. Then she walked the few steps back to the living room and said, “For one-third of the haul. I think it was a good deal.”

  “Don’t tell me you bought that bullshit. Seven million dollars in a safe? No way.”

  “No, that I don’t believe.” Lisa sat, finally reclaiming her favorite chair. “Maybe they believe that; I don’t. But even Grant Lambert can pull off a job bringing in more than twenty-k, and the first thing he’ll have to do is pay me back. Then, for every dollar they steal over twenty, I get another thirty-three cents.”

  Mary Beth slumped back into the couch, a frown on her face. “Thirty-three cents have never sounded so pathetic.”

  Lisa offered her a smile that danced on the border between patronizing and indulgent. “Maybe we’ll be really lucky and Lambert and Chase will steal twenty thousand and three dollars! Then you can have an entire dollar all to yourself!”

  A throw pillow glanced off the side of Lisa’s head.

  $ $ $

  A half hour later, Lisa poured a glass of wine and retired to the second bedroom, which she’d converted to a home office. It was a great tax write-off that made the apartment even more affordable, and better yet, was the only room Mary Beth mostly ignored.

  She logged onto her computer and typed Nash Bog VA into a search engine, intending to get a quick overview of the Nash Bog housing market. But the second search result stopped her cold.

  “The Virginia Cathedral of Love?!”

  From the living room, Mary Beth called back, “Did you say something?”

  Maybe her voice had been a little too loud, b
ut still, this was something Mary Beth should know. “Come here.”

  Mary Beth, now wrapped in a pink robe and matching—also very expensive—slippers, shuffled into the room and looked over her partner’s shoulder. Lisa clicked on a link and the screen filled with the image of a large building, sunlight illuminating huge stained-glass windows. Above it, a cross towered in a cloudless blue sky.

  “What’s that?” asked Mary Beth. “Lambert’s church?”

  Lisa stared at the screen. “Not just any church. That’s the Virginia Cathedral of Love.”

  “I think I’ve heard of it.” Mary Beth squinted and moved closer…close enough for Lisa to feel her warm breath, which made her heart race a bit.

  Still, she kept her composure. What she was looking at was even more exciting than Mary Beth.

  “I think everyone’s heard of it. Everyone except maybe Chase and Lambert. It’s one of the largest churches in the United States.” She swiveled in her chair and looked up at Mary Beth. “Have you ever heard of Dr. Oscar Hurley?”

  “He’s the guy who blamed the California wildfires on God’s anger because Ellen and Portia got married, right?” Lisa nodded. “Yeah, I’ve heard of that whack job.”

  Lisa looked back at the monitor. “Well, if I’m correct, Lambert and Chase are going to try to steal seven million dollars from him.”

  Mary Beth scowled and backed away. “That sounds like it’s way out of Lambert’s league.”

  “It is. It definitely is.” Lisa focused on the image of the Great Cross towering over the cathedral. “But it also means that the seven million dollars he was talking about, well… Maybe it’s not so far-fetched.” She glanced at the digital time displayed at the corner of the monitor. “I wonder if they’re home yet.”

  Lisa picked up the phone and dialed; the call went straight to voicemail. That pattern repeated itself every five minutes for the next half hour while Mary Beth returned to the living room and Lifetime TV until, finally, Chase answered his cell phone.

  “Hey, Lisa, what’s—?”

  She wasn’t interested in small talk and—to make sure Chase was aware of that—threw all the hoarseness she could muster into her voice. “Are the two of you out of your fucking minds?”

  “And nice talking to you, too.”

  “Put Lambert on the phone.”

  “You know he doesn’t like to—”

  “Yes, I know he doesn’t like to talk on the phone. He’ll just have to buck it up.”

  She heard muffled conversation, then Grant Lambert’s voice.

  “’lo?”

  She got right to the point. “Lambert, are you seriously thinking of ripping off the Virginia Cathedral of Love?”

  He was silent for a long time—so long she almost thought he’d hung up—until he finally said, “Who told you?”

  “No one had to tell me. I’m not an idiot, you know.”

  Again he was silent.

  “Lambert?”

  She heard him sigh. “That’s the plan.”

  “You realize it’s a big church, right? It’s not like robbing Dunkin’ Donuts.”

  “Yeah, I know what’s what.”

  “And you think you can do this by yourself?”

  “I’ve got Chase. And Farraday.” He paused. “And Farraday’s cousin…”

  Lisa had thought it, but wasn’t quite sure she was going to say it until the words burst out. “And me and Mary Beth.”

  His answer was more silence.

  “Lambert?” she finally growled. “You still there?”

  “Yeah,” a little voice replied.

  “Good.” She realized she was feeling a bit nervous and light-headed and swallowed hard to compose herself, but damn it, she was getting excited. “I’m not saying I don’t trust you, but…I don’t trust you.” He started to object. “Listen, no offense, but you, Chase, and Farraday…”

  “And Farraday’s cousin,” he reminded her.

  “And Farraday’s cousin. You can’t do this job by yourselves. This is the Virginia Cathedral of Love we’re talking about! Either Mary Beth and I are in on the job, or you can kiss my twenty thousand good-bye.”

  “But, Lisa…”

  “Let me make this a little easier for you.” She tried to take some of the edge out of her voice; to be soothing, not confrontational. “There’s no decision for you to make. We’re on the job. And look, it’ll be fun!”

  He didn’t think he’d heard her correctly. “Fun?”

  She remembered that, to him, this was work, not play, and adjusted accordingly. “Not fun fun. Camaraderie fun.”

  “Well…”

  “Also, I have to insist.”

  There was another long pause, until he finally said, “I guess I’ve got no choice.”

  “No, you really don’t.” The tough edge was back in her voice, and now she didn’t particularly care if she sounded confrontational. It was her twenty thou, damn it!

  Grant Lambert was a man defeated. “Okay, then. Find us a house in Nash Bog, and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

  Lisa disconnected the line and looked up to see Mary Beth standing in the doorway to the home office, still in pink robe and slippers.

  “What’s going on? What was that about?”

  Lisa swiveled on the chair and smiled. It was the same, blissful, everything-is-peachy-keen smile she was always able to muster no matter how painfully her stomach was cramping. And her stomach was cramping not because she might lose twenty thousand dollars, and not because Grant Lambert might yet cause them all to end up in jail, but because Mary Beth could occasionally be game for a scam, but it wasn’t in her nature.

  So Lisa plastered a benign, loving smile on her face. “We both need a vacation, don’t we?”

  “Maybe.” There was wariness in Mary Beth’s voice.

  “It’d be nice to get away for a few weeks.” That benign, loving smile flared just a bit. “And Virginia would be so peaceful…”

  “Oh, no!” Mary Beth brought the palm of her hand to her forehead and Lisa knew she’d seen right through her…as she usually did. “You want to get in on the job, don’t you? Bad idea, Lisa. Bad! Bad!”

  Which maybe would have stopped a cocker spaniel, but Lisa could be a pit bull—albeit a pleasant-sounding pit bull with a benign, loving smile—when she really wanted something.

  “But…we’d have peace and quiet. And we could keep an eye on the twenty thousand.”

  Mary Beth’s hands went to her hips, and the pink robe shook. “That’s what you say. But I know you. You want to be in on the scam. You love that stuff.”

  Lisa would never acknowledge that to Mary Beth…or anyone else, for that matter. She barely acknowledged it to herself. “No, sweetie, I promise. I just want to make sure Lambert doesn’t screw up and cost me twenty thousand dollars.”

  Hands glued to hips, Mary Beth closed her eyes. “I really don’t like anything about this idea.”

  “It will be fine! Fresh air…dogwood blossoms…suburban living…”

  “You’re not making me feel better about this.”

  Lisa raised one finger. “How about this angle, then…”

  “I’m waiting.”

  Benign, loving, smiling Lisa turned into hard-nosed business-woman Lisa, determined to seal the deal.

  “If we pull this off, our share will be over two million dollars. Something like two-point-three million and change, if there’s really seven million in the safe. Since we’re talking the Virginia Cathedral of Love, I’m willing to give Lambert and Chase the benefit of the doubt.” She stood and wrapped her arms around Mary Beth’s shoulders, nestling her lips near Mary Beth’s ear and finding the exact words she needed to close.

  Her voice was almost a whisper. “That kind of money buys a lot of shoes.”

  Mary Beth squared her shoulders, trying to pull away but backing off no more than an inch. “I…I’ll think about it.”

  But Mary Beth—like Lisa—had already made her decision. More than two million dollars in spend
ing money could do that to a girl.

  In her head, she had already spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Christian Louboutin alone.

  And if Grant Lambert fucked the job up, well…each one of those very expensive red heels would have to be medically extracted from his ass.

  6

  In the kitchen of their apartment in Jackson Heights—only a few miles away from Lisa’s place in Long Island City but light-years away in the level of luxury—Grant clicked off the phone and cast a mournful glance at Chase.

  “Lisa’s decided that she’d rather be an active partner than a passive partner.”

  Chase looked up from the counter where he was mixing a vodka-cranberry, shaking his head. “I knew it. I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist horning in on the job.”

  “Yeah, well…” Grant pulled a battered wooden chair out from the table, scraping it over the scuffed linoleum, and sat. “She doesn’t think we can do this alone. But I think she really just wants to keep an eye on her money.”

  “I think it’s more than that. I think she likes being in on the jobs.”

  Grant cocked his head toward his partner. “You think she likes pulling jobs? Really?”

  Chase stirred his drink for too long a time before answering. “I do. I mean, she complains a lot, but you can see it in her eyes.” He stopped stirring and, drink in hand, joined Grant at the table. “Maybe that’s a good thing.”

  “How’s that?”

  “No matter how we try to cover, it’s gonna look strange for a group of men to move into a suburban house in an upscale neighborhood on a short-term rental. You, me, Farraday…Leonard. If a few women are in the mix, we’ll have a better chance of not attracting unwanted attention.”

  “Or attracting more,” Grant observed. “Lisa’s all right, but drama follows Mary Beth around.”

  Chase took a sip of his vodka-cranberry. “You just don’t like Mary Beth.”

  That much was true. Just thinking about Mary Beth brought a dull ache to Grant’s head.

  “It’s mutual.”

  “True. But you’ve worked well together in the past. And she’s smart—”

  “She’s mean.”