“Hi, Jake.” She said my name with a sense of relief. “What are you doing here?” She opened the door farther and motioned for me to come in.
“I’m looking for the elusive Gracie Jordan. Have you seen her?” I walked closer to her as the door shut behind me.
“I’m here, Jake.”
Her sweet smile melted me. Her head tilted to the side, and I could read her mind. She was trying to figure out what we should do – hug, sit, stand. I helped her through her second-guessing and opened my arms.
“Come here, baby girl.”
“Jake?” She stood perfectly still. The same longing in her eyes was in my whole body, but I could see she was afraid to cross a line.
“Gracie. A hug. We hugged all the time before we were together.” I walked toward her as she came into my arms.
She fit me perfectly. I pressed my lips against the top of her head and breathed her in. Her breath caught and her grip tightened. I didn’t want to let go. The need to hold her for the same number of hours it had been since I touched her skin last was strong. But I had to respect her boundaries and the space she needed. Gracie was overly concerned about hurting people’s feelings. If the length of time I held her was longer than what she was ready for, she’d put her needs aside just to keep from hurting me. I forced myself to pull back and let go.
“How’s your knee.”
“Sore.”
I tried to be satisfied with small talk and ignore the discomfort in our distance, but it was difficult. Gracie and I had never held back our attraction or passion for each other. Our love was easy and honest, and now we had to try to tame something that was used to being unbridled. It hurt. It felt like someone had torn a part of my body away. The uncomfortable silence hung heavy around us. Gracie wrung her hands in front of her. At that moment, I decided I needed to be strong enough for both of us, until she knew what it felt like to be strong on her own.
“Can you stay? Can we talk?” I was surprised when she took control of the situation.
“Of course.” We walked over to the couch. I stood, waiting for her to invite me to sit next to her. If she didn’t, I’d give her space.
She sat on the very edge of the couch and patted the cushion next to her. When I sat, she turned her knees toward me and took my hands in hers.
“Jake, I shouldn’t have left that night without talking everything out first. And for that, I’m sorry. I know it seems like the coward’s way out, but I know me. I can see your heart in your eyes, and if I had to tell you I was walking away for a little while, it would stop my heart. I hope you—”
“Gracie, I understood that. I get it, and I’m proud of you for knowing yourself well enough to do what you needed to do. You need this time. I get it.” I rubbed her hands with my thumbs and smiled. “Baby girl, the thing that threw me was that you thought I could actually find someone more perfect for me than you. I don’t want anyone else, Gracie. If you decide to walk away from us because you realize you don’t feel for me what you thought you did, that’s one thing. But I can’t stand to think you would walk away to give me a free pass to find someone else. There’s no one else for me.”
“I’m sorry, Jake. I truly don’t feel like I will ever be someone who is good enough for you. I just want you to be happy.”
“Gracie, do you trust me?”
“With my life.”
“Then trust me when I say I’m proud of you for walking away because you put your needs ahead of mine. And trust me when I tell you there is no one on this planet I want more than you. I need you to trust me when I say I will wait forever for you to be ready for what we started.” I pulled my hands from hers and reached for her face. She closed her eyes, and I kissed her on the forehead.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Jake.”
“Gracie, it’s important that you also understand you can trust me with your boundaries, too. If you wanted me to climb into bed with you and just hold you like I used to, I could do just that.”
“I think about your arms around me every time I climb into my bed alone. But if we spent the night together, I’m afraid it would blur the lines I need to be crystal clear right now. I don’t think I could trust myself to keep my own boundaries with you lying next to me.”
“See that. You looked me in the eyes and told me you need more time before we are that physical. That’s huge, Gracie.”
She fell into my chest and wrapped her arms around my waist. I hugged her tight to my body, trying to fill her with some of my own strength. I kissed her on top of her head and pulled away a little so I could lighten the moment.
“I was heading down to my very first bartending class and I remembered you had guitar lessons around the same time. Thought maybe we could walk together.”
“I’d like that. Let me grab my bag.” Her steps were light, like the weight of the world just lifted from her shoulders. It made me wonder if she initially thought I had come to the door to beg for her to reconsider her decision.
She slung the long strap of her bag over her shoulder and brushed past me on the way to the door. My soul reached out through my skin, trying to make the contact with her body last a little longer. I had never had to restrain myself from touching her, and it was obvious I needed to practice my self-control. It wasn’t hard to control myself when Chelsea wanted to kiss me. Touching Chelsea while we danced did not even come close to what I felt when I touched Gracie.
My level of restraint wasn’t tested the night at Mitchell’s. I had no interest in doing anything with Chelsea. But it was a whole different story with Gracie. We walked onto the elevator, and it took every ounce of self-discipline I could muster to force myself to stand more than six inches away from her. I wanted to hold her. I longed to taste her. My breathing was ragged. I had to distract myself so our walk to College Avenue was comfortable.
We made small talk for a couple blocks. We talked about the latest Pearl Jam album being released. I told her about running into Maverick and hanging out with him. She told me about Becki’s crazy crush on Calon. I said a silent prayer to Cupid to please take that man off the market. I really was threatened by him and that was unsettling.
“So, what did you do today?”
“Cleaned.”
“You? Cleaned?” I shook my head and put the hand closest to her in my pocket so I could resist taking her hand.
“Nice, Jake. Yes, I cleaned.” She giggled and readjusted the strap of her bag.
“Wait until Stacy finds out.”
“Oh, Jake! Please don’t tell her. If she knows I can actually do it, and do it well, then she’ll want me to help her. Please, keep my secret, okay?” She reached over and held my bicep in an exaggerated way to accentuate her silly plea.
“Of course, I won’t give you up to Stacy. You’re secret’s safe with me.”
Please don’t let go of me. Hold on, Gracie.
Her hand pulled away, and she ran her fingers through her hair then reached into her bag for her sun glasses. The sun was going down and glaring right at us. We were soon going to have to separate and head to our respective commitments. I wanted College Avenue to be a thousand miles long so she would walk next to me for longer than the twelve more steps we had before we got the The Garage.
We stopped in front of Yaz’s place, and when I looked down at her, she had an indecipherable look on her face. “What?”
A crowd of what looked like soon-to-be-freshmen rushed past us with their tour guide. Then they split around us and we were in the middle of them.
“I was just thinking of how much money you’re going to make in tips at Mitchell’s. You’re the whole package, Jake.” She smiled.
“Gracie—”
“Come on, Jake. You look in the mirror every day, right?” Her mood lightened even further. “Those eyes, your abs, that...happy trail.” Now she was downright flirting. I didn’t know what got her to that point, but something clicked, and she was playful instead of somber.
“Abs? Happy trail? Nob
ody told me I would be a naked bartender.” I raised an eyebrow to make her think that thought actually intrigued me.
And then she slapped me in the happy trail.
“What was that for?”
“You know what it was for, you man slut.”
“I work hard for this body. If showing it off will get me some more cash, hell yeah, I’m going to strut my stuff behind the bar.” I took it a step further just to hear her giggle and lifted my shirt a little, pretending to scratch my stomach, which inadvertently got the attention of two freshmen stragglers who were just finding their tour. They all but tripped over themselves as they tried to see what I’d bared for Gracie. Their shrill cackles made my cheeks burn.
“Well, that was embarrassing. That little peek was supposed to be just for you.”
She giggled. “What am I going to do with you?”
I looked over my shoulder. “Gracie, they’re staring.”
“They’ve got good taste. I’ve been checking you out for years.”
“Sure.” I couldn’t tell if she was flirting or serious.
“Of course I did.”
“Really?”
“So, you’re saying you never checked me out and let your mind wander a little?”
“Only when you’d dance and do that thing you do with your ass.” I was going to be rock hard right there on the sidewalk if I didn’t rein in our flirting.
“What?” She smacked me in the gut again. “I don’t do anything different than anyone else does when they dance.”
“Oh, my dear, but you do.” Stop. We have to stop.
“Well, you’ll have to keep an eye on me, then. Tell me when I’m doing it so I can stop.”
“Oh, no need to stop.” Dammit! I pulled at the bottom of my t-shirt trying to camouflage what was going on in my pants. “Go play, Gracie. I’m going to be late.”
“Thanks for coming by today, Jake.”
“Anytime.”
Our connection was still so strong. But there was a small part of my heart that was afraid something was just around the corner that neither of us was prepared for. I took a deep breath and decided I would just have to take it day by day. I knew I would enjoy watching her grow and get stronger.
I looked back and saw Yaz holding the door for her. I heard the first part of their conversation before they disappeared into the store.
“I want to write a song today, Yaz.”
“So gnarly, girl dude. Let’s do it.”
I smiled and sprinted to Mitchell’s as best I could on a sore knee.
Nineteen
Gracie
A rip from the guitar bounced off the brick walls and stung my eardrums. I winced as I sipped from one of the two straws that stuck up out of the pitcher Becki brought to our little corner at Sid’s. I squinted my eyes, trying to keep my eardrums from bursting along with the insane beats coming from the dark stage. The spotlight came on, pointed at center stage. I heard, even above the sound of the music, Becki’s gasp when she laid eyes on Calon.
“Oh, yes, Gracie. I need me some Calon.”
I rolled my eyes. Becki was just looking at his exterior. He was easy to look at. He held his shoulders in this cocky way, but you could perceive his beautiful sensitivity in how he sang the lyrics of the songs off their new album. The ones they would soon tour with. When we used to see them play around town, they only did cover music. Old tunes, things written by someone else. But they had recently started performing original music. There was no doubt in my mind he’d written every word. And that he had a story, one I didn’t know. There was something more to him, something deeper, and I was so intrigued.
“Gracie, just look at him.” Becki was practically standing on her chair, trying to get the best view of Calon.
The man was a god. No, he was more than that. What Calon was should be illegal. He oozed sex. In the center of the stage, he stood with both hands clasped around the mic still hooked to the stand. His head was bowed, and his curls swayed back and forth opposite the sway of his hips. His head lifted just as the words, “I want you to want me,” spilled out of his mouth. His eyes landed on me and he smirked. That sexy grin slammed into me. I was floored. He not only remembered my name, he remembered the song he sang to me the night we met. He winked and continued singing in a sultry voice that filled young women’s heads with inappropriate thoughts. There was a collective gasp when he dropped his hand to his thigh and slapped it to the beat of the drums.
It was different watching Calon perform, knowing he remembered me and our kiss. I still felt a little naked knowing, the week before at Mitchell’s, he’d seen a part of my soul no one else had ever seen. Now that we’d connected again, I felt like I had to be guarded, both because I didn’t want to send the wrong message, but also because I could sense that just his presence could pull more emotion out of me than I even knew I had. That terrified me.
“What’s this drink called? I love it!” I yelled over the music then slurped down the last sip of the blue liquid in our pitcher and set it down on the closest table.
“Bog water? Bong Water? I couldn’t really hear him.”
“What’s in it?” I grabbed a maraschino cherry off the remaining ice cubes and plucked it from its stem.
“No idea. I pointed to someone holding a pitcher of blue and handed over some money. He picked up six bottles by the necks and dumped them while a girl behind the bar shoveled ice in.”
I rolled my eyes at her. She definitely wasn’t cautious and I loved that about her. I wondered what it felt like to be unpredictable.
“Let’s dance.” I grabbed her by the arm.
“Gracie Jordan, what’s gotten in to you? You break into bars after hours and headline your own underground concert and now you are pulling me onto the dance floor? I love it.” Becki raised her hand in the air and flagged down a guy carrying a tray of pitchers. “Bartender, just keep those pitchers coming, my best friend is an animal!”
We hit the floor near the front of the stage just as the guy on lead guitar plucked his last note. I lost my bravado with the quiet and started to walk to the back of the dance floor when Becki grabbed my arm.
“Oh no you don’t! Calon! Calon!” She waved her hand wildly and I wanted to die.
I tried to stand behind her, but she spun behind me and ended up using me as a human shield. She held my arms so tight, my hands started to tingle. Calon looked down at us and smirked. I rolled my eyes at him.
“Calon! Sing something for Gracie!”
He tapped his chin in an exaggerated attempt to pick something specific. He turned around and said something to the guys then turned back and pressed his lips against the woven metal of the mic.
“Just for you, Gracie.” He pointed and winked. “One...two... One, two, three, four...”
There was a single strum of the guitar then the drummer slammed out consecutive beats strung together with a quiet strike of the symbol. Each threatened to stop my heart. I couldn’t believe his song choice. One of my all-time favorites.
Music moved me. It made me feel alive, sensual, and after a few drinks, I was relaxed enough to dance. I hadn’t let go in way too long.
Calon’s voice was mesmerizing. He tucked his chin, looked down at me with a sexy smirk, and his deep, raspy voice growled out the lyrics to “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven, a song that always gave me goosebumps. It was one of the songs on my phone typically on repeat. When he sang about wanting to make her move because she’s standin’ still...I let go. Completely.
I paid no attention to where Becki was and didn’t even look up at Calon again. It was about me. It was about doing what felt good and not giving a fuck what anyone else thought. My body translated the beat, and Calon’s voice took hold of which way my hips rocked and what I did with my arms. I closed my eyes and became the music. The sensation that entered my body caused a magical emotional response. I got lost in the music and lost count of how many songs Calon sang. Hell, I could have been dancing alone for all I cared.
/> Becki interrupted my trance with a straw poked at my lips. She stood there smiling with a huge pitcher of blue. I needed to sit. We slipped into a booth and both sucked a bellyful of whatever kind of “water” it was.
“Don’t go anywhere! We’ll be back after a short break.” Calon walked down off the stage and disappeared amid his female groupies.
“Becki, why don’t we do this more often? Shit, this is fun!”
“So, you like the breaking and entering and drinking until we can’t see straight?”
I nodded and sucked down more of our blue water.
“Gracie?”
The look on her face scared me a little. “Yeah?”
“Do you wanna see if we can find that DVD of you and Noah having sex? You know, in the Sigma Chi house?”
“Are you crazy? No!” I drew a line in the sand.
“Think about it, Gracie. Hardly anyone is here during summer. Do you know where their secret rooms are?”
“Becki, if we got caught—”
“If we get caught, we say we were just playing an innocent prank, and if we don’t, we...I mean, you...take Noah down for the last time. Oh, Gracie, could you imagine?”
“I’ll think about it.” I rolled my eyes. Could I even bring myself to walk into that house again? With a couple pitchers of blue water, I didn’t doubt it. We’d have to talk about it sober and see if it was still a thought worth entertaining.
“Look, Gracie, I’m almost too drunk to think straight, but I want you to know it’s so good to have you back. I missed this Gracie. You truly are a beautiful soul.”
“Becki—”
“No, shut up a second, I mean it. I almost forgot how fucking fun you are. Promise me something.”
“Anything, Becks.”
“Don’t ever forget who you are. I missed you, bitch!” And with that, she lunged across the table and hugged me. I completely felt what she was seeing in me. I was getting closer. Closer to me.
We finished that pitcher and half of another when the lights came on. Two in the morning, the witching hour. I had no energy, or balance for that matter, to get home. We walked out onto the sidewalk, arm in arm and swaying a lot. Becki’s dorm was closer to Sid’s than my apartment, which meant I would have to walk the rest of the way alone.
On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep Page 11
