“Girls, wait up!” Calon jogged up to us. Becki dropped my arm to jump next to Calon. I stumbled over her feet. “So, you enjoyed the show?”
“It was incredible, Calon.” Becki looped her arm through his and laid her head against him. And there I was, stumbling on my own. The sidewalk seemed to move under my feet, and there was a wide halo around all the streetlights. Shit, I was really drunk.
When we got to the walkway that went up across campus and directly to Becki’s dorm, we stopped.
“I have to go this way.” Becki pulled Calon in the direction of campus. He looked back at me with a concerned expression on his face.
“You guys go, I’ll be okay.”
“No, Gracie, you’re tanked. I can’t let you walk home alone.” Calon grabbed my shoulders when I swayed a little too far to one side.
“It’s okay, I can call Jake. He will meet me.” I lied. I had no intention of seeing Jake when I was so drunk. I wasn’t afraid he would be pissed; I just wasn’t sure I could trust myself, especially after opening myself up to the sensuality of the lyrics, the music, and dancing.
Calon turned my body away from his. I felt his hand on my ass and I spun around to slap him. Asshole.
“Gracie! Woah. Relax.” He waved my cell phone in front of my face, proving he wasn’t feeling me up but grabbing my phone from my pocket. He hit a couple buttons then spoke.
“Jake? Hey man, it’s Calon. We met the other day.”
“Calon! What are you doing?” I flailed my arms toward him. He chuckled and backed up a little to stay out of my reach.
There was a pause. Calon took the phone from his ear and looked at the screen. Becki still hung onto his arm and tried to see the screen, too.
He put the phone back to his ear and spoke. “Hello? Hey. I’m on College with Gracie and Becki. Can you walk Gracie home? I’ve got Becki.”
Becki’s eyes bulged. She poked Calon in the chest and mouthed, “He’s got me,” like his words had double meaning.
“You got it. See ya.” He tucked my phone back into my pocket.
“Will you stop trying to touch my ass?” I was so annoyed that he’d called Jake.
“You can be pissed at me, Gracie. But you’re a terrible liar. I knew you had no intention of calling him.” He was right. I sat down on a bench under a streetlight. Something smelled really bad, but I couldn’t see anything except what was right in front of me.
“We’ll wait until he gets here before we head to Becki’s.”
Becki nodded and mouthed, “He’s walking me home.”
I remembered her prediction that he would escort her home after Sid’s. I smiled at her accuracy. They stood and I sat quietly while we waited. I had my elbows on my knees and rested my head in my hands. I almost fell asleep, but Becki’s drunken giggle kept me conscious. After a while, I looked to my right and squinted. A blurry figure was walking toward us. I could tell it was Jake by his athletic gait.
“You guys can go. There’s Jake.”
“Jake!” Becki yelled at the top of her lungs. “I told you!” She pointed to Calon wildly. Calon looked at me quizzically. I shrugged so I didn’t have to explain.
“See ya, Gracie.” He put his hand on my shoulder and smiled. I really did appreciate him taking care of me. But I was confused by the pang of jealousy I felt seeing him and Becki together.
“Thanks.”
He smiled and nodded before they turned and headed toward campus. I stood and walked to Jake, whose hands were stuffed in his pockets. His head was down and he had his baseball cap turned backwards, which made him even hotter. We met toe-to-toe, and he looked up from the ground. I couldn’t tell if his eyes were sleepy or sad, but his smile was hesitant. My heart sank.
Twenty
Jake
God, she was beautiful. So drunk she could barely stand, but her sweet smile, trying to coax one out of me, melted my heart. My face gave in, and I smiled back. It killed me that I’d been home, flipping through the channels, unable to sleep, while she was out getting wasted with Calon. We stood so close, I could feel the heat coming from her body. She leaned against my chest then wrapped her arms around my waist. There was an ache in my soul that kept my thoughts about Calon at bay, so I could just breathe her in. I dropped my chin, and my lips landed on the top of her head, and just the smell of her, whatever she’d put in her hair, her sweat, made me weak in the knees. I wanted so badly to pick her up, carry her back to my apartment, and make love to her all night. I was certain if she ever walked away for good, there would be a gaping hole in my heart for the rest of my life. A Gracie-shaped hole.
“Let’s go home, baby girl.” I turned within her still clasped arms. She held on tight and we walked while I kept her upright. She was quiet. Had she not been walking, I would have thought she passed out.
“Jake?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you still love me?”
“Of course I do.”
“No, I know you love me as a friend.” She hiccupped a couple times. “But do you still love me, love me?”
“I do.”
She didn’t say another word for the rest of the way. We walked into the elevator and I pushed 3. She looked up at me with her shy, little grin and reached out for the 4.
“Gracie, you need to go home tonight.”
“You don’t want me in your bed.”
“Gracie, there’s nothing I want more. But you’re drunk. I need you to make a decision like that when you’re completely sober.”
She closed her eyes and dropped her head back with a thud against the elevator wall as the door opened on the third floor. She put her hand out for me to take it. I walked out with the intention of seeing her safely into her apartment then leaving.
She fumbled with her keys and flung the door open so hard, it bounced back and almost slammed her in the face.
“I have to pee.” She whispered it like we were in church.
I smiled with a nod then walked over and leaned against the doorway to her bedroom. All of Stacy’s stuff was still in the exact spot it was when she’d left. Stacy was a neat freak. Gracie was not.
Most of Gracie’s drawers were pulled open, and there was at least one thing hanging out of each, like rectangular mouths with long tongues trying to lick the floor. Her bed wasn’t made, her pillow all bunched up. I pictured her in her favorite sleep position, on her belly trying to crawl under her pillow to find a comfy spot. She. Was. Adorable.
My eyes swept past her bed to a pile of used tissues on the floor next to it. She’d been crying. God, it killed me that I was right upstairs while she was down here in her bed with a broken heart. She’d been crying without me and that broke my heart.
The bathroom door opened, and my sleepy girl looked over at me with a longing in her eyes I’d seen before. She wanted me. All of me. Visions of her beautiful, naked body tore at my resolve. Memories of what her body felt like under my fingers threatened to unravel me, but there was no way I was going to take advantage of her clouded mind.
“Come here, baby girl. Let me help you into bed.”
She nodded and stumbled toward me. That’s when I noticed something wet and gross on the back of her white jeans. Who wears white to a bar? My Gracie. I wasn’t sure what it was, and honestly, I didn’t want to know, but I had to stop her from climbing into her bed before taking them off. She leaned over and pulled her covers back.
“Gracie, stop. You need to take your jeans off.”
She spun around, lost her balance, and fell into me. She lifted her arms up and flopped them over my shoulders. “Jakey wants to see me naked. I love to be naked for you, baby.”
She grabbed her lacey tank from the bottom, ready to strip for me, and holy fuck, did my body react to that.
“Gracie, listen. I want you like you can’t believe.” I dropped my forehead to hers. Her hazel eyes peeked out from behind her eyelids less and less. “But not like this. When I have you, I want you to feel everything. Tonight is not the night for
that, baby.”
I unbuttoned her jeans, and she threw her arms out to her sides like she couldn’t figure me out. “I think you have puke on the back of your pants. I need to get you out of them.”
“Jake, who puked on my pants? Who would do something like that? Ew! I smell it now! Get them off!” She was right. I had to hold my breath just to slide her jeans down past her hips.
I knelt down so I could slip her shoes off, which put me face to face with a small triangle of sheer black lace that left nothing to the imagination.
For the love of all things holy, why did she have to wear those tonight?
I could see all of her. I closed my eyes to distract myself and drew in a deep breath, which didn’t help. I was so close, I filled my lungs with the smell of her body wash mixed with a light scent of sweat. I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of what I could do to her by sliding my fingers behind the transparent fabric.
Once I had her shoes off, I helped her step out of her disgusting pants. I wadded them up and laid them behind me, trying to keep the putrid smell contained within them. There she stood, in all her glory, black lace tank and black lace panties. Beautiful. My body ached to touch every inch of her, and my heart called out to her so loud, I winced at its volume. When she realized she was ready to climb under the covers, she let her body fall backwards.
“Gracie!”
Crack. Her head slammed the bottom of Stacy’s bunk.
“Shitfuck!” Her hand flew to the back of her head and she curled up into a ball on her bed. I giggled a little at her creative choice of curse words. I’d have to remember to tell Becki that one. Gracie may soon top Becki’s vocabulary.
I leaned over her and rubbed her head. No blood, no lump. She sighed when I touched her. I adjusted her pillow under her head and covered her. She was asleep in no time. I knelt next to her for a while. I brushed her hair off her face and gently slid my hand to her neck. My fingers curled around to her hairline, and I kissed her on her forehead. As I stood and headed for the door, I thought of Becki again. Gracie’s phone was in the back pocket of the balled up jeans, so I grabbed it, scrolled, and hit Becki’s number. There was no answer by the time I got to the kitchen to find a garbage bag for her jeans. I hit redial. Nothing. I must’ve hit redial thirty times and was ready to head to her dorm. So concerned about Gracie, I’d thought little to nothing about Becki heading home with Calon. Sure, he’d only kissed Gracie, but who knew what he was used to now that he was big time. I listened to the endless ringing while I put Gracie’s white jeans in a bag and tied it tight.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Gracie Ann Jordan! You better be choking on your own vomit! Do you remember who just walked me home?” Her voice was an exaggerated whisper, but if Calon was really still there, he’d heard every word she said.
“Becki, it’s Jake. Just making sure you’re okay.”
She sighed.
“Jake Rockwell, you really are too good to be true. Now hang up the fucking phone and let me get back to—” It sounded like she tried to cover the phone with her hand but missed. “Calon, don’t go...Calon...” And the line went dead.
I looked down at the phone, the words CALL ENDED were directly underneath the picture Gracie had chosen as Becki’s contact photo. It was the two of them in mad hysterics, taking a selfie. I smiled and peeked back in on Gracie.
I went in to check her head one more time and tripped over Stacy’s desk chair. Gracie stirred and looked up at me, “Jake. Please?” She pulled the covers back and invited me in. Good freakin’ lord, the girl was going to make everything below my waist explode.
“Not tonight, beautiful.”
She dropped the covers and she was out. I kissed her forehead. Only my eyes caressed her, but I couldn’t resist pressing my lips against hers. They felt like home.
Oh Gracie.
Twenty-one
Gracie
It was exactly two weeks since I had seen Sylvia. It seemed Tuesdays would turn into our regular days. I was shocked I remembered to put my journal and the completed paper work for both me and Jake in my bag before I headed out the door. She had given me so much to think about and work through, I felt like I saw her every day, because most of the things she said in our first session were constantly running through my mind.
“How are you, Gracie?”
“Good. Well, I’m trying to be.” I rubbed my forehead nervously. I wasn’t sure how this session would go.
“You seem confused.”
“So much has happened since I was here last. Jake and I are technically not together, I started playing guitar, Noah called me, and I met up with a guy from my past.” I laughed. “Should we put it all in a hat and pick them out as we go?” Just listing those things aloud settled my nerves some.
“Let’s go in chronological order of the big things that have happened since we spoke last. Okay?” She had the most calming smile. I really, really liked her.
“I met up with an old crush unexpectedly after I left your office last time. There was this guy I kissed a couple years ago that Jake didn’t know about. It happened long before Jake and I were together. We really weren’t all that close then so I just never told him. The guy is Calon Ridge, lead singer of Alternate Tragedy.”
Sylvia raised her eyebrows and nodded in approval.
“Well, when I ran into him I was on the way to meet Jake for lunch. He’s super intense. He’s a musician, so you know; he’s got that creative bent to the vibe he gives off. Jake saw us talking and misinterpreted Calon’s intensity. He actually got super pissed. I’ve never seen that side of him. It confused me, and I felt completely guilty for upsetting him.”
“So, you have a connection with Calon.”
“Yeah, because we kissed, I guess. But that was years ago.”
“Well, you just explained to me where Calon’s intensity comes from. Do you consider yourself creative, Gracie?”
“Well, yes, more so recently. I’ve always kept journals. So, I guess writing has been my craft.” I patted my bag, indicating I’d brought one with me. “But recently, I started working through my feelings by writing poetry and lyrics. And I started playing guitar again and singing. It’s really opened up a part of me I don’t think I even knew was there.”
“So, it sounds like you and Calon could connect on more than just a couple levels. Would you describe Jake as creative?”
“Maybe in a business sense, but definitely not in the arts.” I instantly saw where she was going with her guided questioning. “You think Jake feels threatened by Calon because he doesn’t understand that creative intensity.”
“I think that could be what’s going on. Is there anything for Jake to be jealous of between you and Calon?”
“No. Well, I mean, I feel a strong connection to him, but I’m not interested in being with him.” I thought for a second. “The last time I saw him, I was drunk after one of his shows, and he used my cell phone to call Jake to come get me. So, I can only imagine what that looked like to Jake. He hasn’t brought it up, and it’s not like I try to run into him. I just feel bad that it could be making Jake feel insecure.”
“Well, the way Jake feels isn’t in your control. Jake will have to handle his own insecurities. That’s his deal, not yours to feel responsible for. When he sees that there’s nothing to worry about, he will let those insecurities dissipate.”
I took a deep breath to prepare for what I was going to say next. The tears came before my words. “He’s also struggling because I told him I thought I needed to get my head on straight before I tried to navigate our new relationship.” I burst into tears.
Sylvia was silent. I knew I couldn’t talk through my tears, so I reached in my bag and handed her my journal, opened to the lyrics I wrote the night I left Jake’s apartment. When I got into my bed that night, I’d jotted them down from memory since I’d left the only copy on his table. I should have known better. Those lyrics ran through my head every single day.
“Do you understand why you
’re having these feelings?” She poked the lyrics with her pencil.
“I think so, but even if I didn’t, I’m hurting him.”
“Jake is a big boy; you don’t need to protect him. But you need to work through all of your emotions still connected to Noah. You need to do this for you. You, Gracie. And then you can give all of your heart to Jake.”
“I know. I just love him so much, and I feel like I owe him a lot, but instead, I pushed him away. At first, I told him he deserved better than what I could give him. So, I was letting him go so he could find someone whole. Someone worth his love.”
“Gracie, the way Noah treated you was your gauge for your self-worth. He determined your worth. You’re not there anymore. And we are going to continue working through this until you see your worth. Okay, Gracie?”
“Okay.”
“You said, ‘at first.’ So, you talked more about it?”
“Yeah. I told him I didn’t really want him to find someone else. I just needed to feel whole and strong for me, and then I’d feel good about opening myself up to his love and accepting all of it. I love him more than anything, Sylvia, and our emotional distance is hard on both of us.”
“Well, then show him that you love him enough to get yourself back on solid ground. You will both be glad you did.”
I left Sylvia’s office and felt like I was floating. I sat down on a bench and pulled my journal from my bag. I just started writing without a plan.
Whisper
Love is louder
What? I can’t hear you, because it sounded like you said I didn’t matter
Speak up because only cowards whisper
and love is louder
My hands shook, and I was only four lines into it. It was like my subconscious was communicating with me. There was an eerie freedom in what just happened. I rubbed my eyes and looked up to take a break from the intense emotion that just spilled out of me. Drive-thru Hank walked by and gave me a cocky salute and a wink. I started to wonder if I would be able to outrun the legacy I’d unknowingly left behind at Sigma Chi.
On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep Page 12
