On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep

by Michelle Kemper Brownlow

  “You’re doing great. See, I told you it wouldn’t be so bad.”

  Again, a weight on my hips and someone even bigger is inside me. Thrusting. Panting. I give up. I just lay there for much longer than the last. I’m so sore, tears pour down past my ears, but I’m done fighting.

  The music stops, and I hear more than three voices.

  Please someone help me.

  My eyes flew open. I was drenched in sweat. I sat straight up and cracked my head on the underside of Stacy’s upper bunk. My head was already pounding, and that just made it pound harder.

  How did I get here?

  I squinted across the room and saw Jake curled up on a bean bag. My breathing slowed, and I tried to remember my dream. It all came to me in one long series of images. Even though the entire dream had taken place in a pitch black room, I could see it all. A wave of nausea hit me, and I grabbed the trash can and heaved into it as though my body was trying to rid itself of such an evil, deviant act.

  Twenty-four

  Jake

  “Gracie, what on earth happened last night?” I handed her a washcloth and moved her trashcan into the hall. She stared at me with a blank expression. I walked over to the bed, and she sat up but remained silent.

  “I came by after my shift to talk, and your door wasn’t even shut all the way. I came in, and you were passed out on the kitchen floor. I saw the vodka bottle, so I assumed you and Becki were partying, but you were the only one here. Do you remember anything?”

  She said nothing, but crumbled into my arms as her body shook. She was terrified of something.

  “It was a nightmare. The most horrifying dream I’ve ever had. I can’t even begin to relive it by telling you about it. I just want to forget about it. It wasn’t real. It was just a dream, right? Wait! No one was here when you got here, right? Wait. Did you put me in my bed?” Her body continued to quake.

  We walked out to the living room. The sun was so bright, her eyes slammed shut, and she stumbled across the room to close the blinds. I headed to the kitchen to wipe up what was left of the vodka and to get us each a glass of water.

  “Slow down. Yes, I got you into bed. No, no one was here when I got here. Was someone here before I got here?” It came out like a joke, but her line of questioning had me worried something terrible had happened.

  “No. It was just me. I saw you with Jessica at Mitchell’s and decided to have a date with my big blue bottle of SKYY.” She lifted the bottle from the kitchen floor and put it in the sink.

  “Okay. Gracie, being that drunk alone is not something I would have expected. Wait. You walked back here alone? Wait. Me and Jessica? Why didn’t you let me know you were there?”

  “No one came back with me. I was pissed at you. I saw you with Jessica, and it sent me over the edge.” She was introspective for a moment then walked away from me and stood with the couch between us.

  “Why was she there, Jake? And why didn’t you tell me?”

  “It was her twenty-first birthday, which I didn’t even remember. And her friends surprised her and brought her back to campus to celebrate. I didn’t know she was coming. Hell, she didn’t know she was coming until they got here.” I got a sick satisfaction knowing she felt at least a fraction of what I had the other day when I saw her with Calon.

  “I lost it, Jake. Seeing you leaning over the bar, in her face and her eating it up, it made me crazy. I couldn’t watch any longer, so I left. When I got home, I had myself so worked up, it brought back memories of the night I found out Noah had cheated. And, I guess—”

  “You lumped me in with Noah because you thought I’d hook up with her?” My voice was loud, and a sharp edge of hurt accompanied my words. I was trying to remain calm, but I was so pissed she would put me in the same category as that dickhead.

  “Whoa, isn’t that what you did to me when you saw me with Calon?”

  “Gracie! I didn’t even touch her, yet in your mind, you had me in her bed. Need I remind you that his hands were all over you?”

  “Jake, it’s just—”

  “It’s just what, Gracie? That fucking idiot is still strangling you. He’s still got his claws in you, and you can’t seem to shake him off. Maybe you don’t want to.” The words were out of my mouth before they went through my filter. I supposed the angst I still felt seeing her with Calon was fifty percent of the rage I was feeling.

  “Jake, I don’t want to have this discussion again. I’m not interested in Calon that way. And Noah’s a part of my story. Not part of my heart. Not part of us.”

  “Dammit, Gracie! He is a part of us if what he did to you causes you to assume I’m out fucking someone else while you’re home getting piss drunk.” I was no longer loud, but my jaw clenched tight.

  “Jake.” She walked toward me with her hands extended.

  I crossed my arms. “No, Gracie. You listen to me. I don’t want our relationship to be influenced by anyone but us. Not Jessica. Not Noah. Not Calon. I’m just saying, Noah is not going to continue to infiltrate what we’ve built. But you have to stop letting his mistakes affect what you think of me. I’m not used to having my character questioned, and I’ll be damned if I let a prick like Noah Foster take my integrity down with him. Fuck!” I kicked the base of the couch and spun around toward the door.

  “Jake, don’t go. No one is going to come between us. The scars are healing, but I feel like every time I have an episode like last night, or a nightmare, it loosens the scab and then I have to work to heal it again.”

  “Gracie, I just want us. Just us.” My body went limp, and I realized how exhausting the healing process was for me; I couldn’t imagine what it felt like for Gracie.

  “No one’s going to come between us. I promise.” Her face was hopeful.

  She was so patient with the temper tantrum I’d just thrown. I rubbed my forehead and paced. She sat on the arm of the couch and watched me.

  “Jake, don’t you see that you thinking I’m going to fall for Calon and me worrying you’d go home with Jessica are the same thing. We both harbor the shit Noah did, because we’ve both seen someone we love change into someone else right before our eyes.

  “I watched Noah change from good to bad, and you watched me go from strong to weak. That has to have an effect on how we are handling these situations. We both need to be more aware of it so we can make new memories together and put the past to rest. Noah will be a part of our relationship as long as we let him.”

  I nodded. What she said made perfect sense. I walked over to her and took her hands in mine.

  “Gracie. I’m so sorry I was putting all the blame of Noah affecting our relationship on you. I didn’t realize I was doing it, too. And please, don’t translate my fear of losing you to Calon into me changing my mind about where I want us to end up.” I rubbed noses with her. “Would you like to come upstairs for breakfast? We could finish this conversation.”

  “That sounds awesome. Let me grab my phone. I never listened to your message from last night.”

  I hadn’t called her the night before. My phone died while I was at the bar, which was why I stopped by to check on her. She smiled, put the phone on speaker, and held it out, expecting it to be a message from me. Calon’s voice left the phone and shot right at me.

  “Gracie. You were amazing tonight. I’d like a repeat performance, and there’s something I want to talk to you about. A proposition of sorts.”

  “What the hell, Gracie?” I could feel the vein in my neck start to pulse.

  “Jake, calm down. Becki and I ran into Calon, and he pulled me into an impromptu sidewalk performance with some of his musician friends. As far as the repeat performance, that’s not happening, and I have no idea what he would be proposing. Do you really think—”

  “No, I don’t.” I pulled her in for a hug. “Now let’s go eat. And let’s find something else to talk about.” I took her hand as we walked to the stairwell.

  “Um, let’s see. Oh, Becki and I have been hanging out a lot. I forg
ot how much fun she is. She’s been coaxing me out of my comfort zone. I panic at first, but I’ve realized how freeing it is to not worry what anyone thinks. It feels so good to just be.”

  We walked into my apartment and straight to the kitchen to get breakfast started. Her smile was glorious.

  “Dare I ask what you and Becki have been up to, or is that classified?”

  “Well, we sort of snuck into Mitchell’s two weeks ago on a Saturday night after they closed, and she made me play guitar and sing for her. It was only the two of us in the bar. I guess everyone else was upstairs.”

  “Two Saturdays ago?” I handed her the spray oil and a spatula then started mixing up some pancake batter.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “Maverick and I were upstairs and Buzz told us he’d caught two girls messing with the instruments, but that was even before the band got there.” I watched her prepare the pan, and, for a quick moment, pretended we were married, and all of the shit that just happened was worked out and far behind us.

  “Oh, yeah. We sort of helped ourselves to the stage twice that night.” She stepped away from the stove so I could pour the batter in the pan. She giggled and shook her head.

  “Gracie Ann, breaking and entering...I’m not sure Becki’s a good influence on you.”

  “She is, Jake. She’s so impulsive and unfiltered. She reminds me I don’t have to be so guarded. She’s helping me remember what it’s like to be me. Oh, and she’s got a huge crush on Calon. I think he might be into her, too.”

  “Really?” Well, that might ease my struggle just a bit.

  “I miss you, Jake.” She looked up at me, her eyes filled with the longing I felt in my heart. She slowly lifted herself onto her toes and gave me a light peck on the lips. My heart skipped a beat, and she gasped quietly.

  “I miss you, too, Gracie.” I was so torn as to what I should do. If I did what my body wanted, I’d pick her up and carry her back to my bed. And not just because I was horny. I longed to connect with her in the beautiful way we were accustomed to.

  “Jake, thank you for taking care of me Friday night.”

  “You thanked me already. You know I’ll always come when you need me.”

  “I know. I just felt a little guilty because you must’ve gotten out of bed to come get me.”

  “Nah, I was up. Just watching TV.”

  “Are you okay? You seem off.”

  “I just have a lot on my mind, that’s all.” That was the understatement of the year.

  “So, you said you and Mav were at Mitchell’s?”

  “Yeah, he took me to Student Health the day I got hit by the car.”

  “Hit by a car? Jake!”

  Shit.

  “Gracie, relax. It sounds way worse than it was. I shouldn’t have said it that way.”

  “Jake!” She pushed me back and looked me up and down as if she was making sure I had all my limbs. She reached up and touched the light scab on my eyebrow. “Jake! That day I saw you in the lobby and you said you fell while you were out for a run...”

  “Well, I did fall...when I ran into the side of the car.”

  “Oh, Jake. Oh, God. Oh, Jake, I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” She pulled my face to hers face and held my head still while she brushed her whole face across the entirety of mine. Her eyes were closed, and she whispered my name, over and over again.

  The look on her face melted me. I stepped closer, took the spatula from her hand, and set it on the counter. She looked up at me with those shy hazel eyes and smirked. I ran the back of my fingers along her jawline and kissed her lightly on her nose.

  “Jake?”

  “Shhh.”

  I put one finger across her lips then leaned in and replaced it with my mouth. Her lips pressed against mine, and we picked up where we’d left off at the laundromat. This time, I kissed back. Her hands were in my hair, and I pressed her lower back into me with one hand and held her head with the other.

  “Jake?”

  “Shhh.”

  My tongue made a slow entrance, and a low groan resonated from deep within her throat. I pressed her into the wall, and we lost ourselves in each other. Our breathing was ragged, our lips were swollen and wet, and our hands fought to stay on common ground and not cross the line I knew we both were thinking about. I was hard as a rock, and the way she pressed her hips toward mine pushed me closer to those boundaries we knew we shouldn’t cross. I could feel her breasts against my chest, and all I could think about was putting each one in my mouth then kissing her all the way down her body.

  “Jake!”

  The shrill scream of the smoke detector broke our contact. Gracie covered her ears, and I jumped and swatted at the device, knocking off the cover and letting the batteries fall out. Our pancakes were ruined, and so was our moment. But we were okay.

  Twenty-five

  Gracie

  “Tell me about the dream, Gracie.” Sylvia’s long Bohemian skirt was a swirl of colors that reminded me of peacock feathers. She wore a fitted white top under a small blue sweater that matched one of the colors in her skirt. Compared to her, I looked stunning in my sweats and hobo-looking hoodie. But it was early Saturday morning, and there was no way I was putting any effort into my wardrobe choices.

  “It was terrifying. I don’t know if I can relive it. I haven’t even told Jake.”

  “To work through it, you need to tell me what it was about.”

  “At first, I didn’t realize what was happening. I was naked from the waist down and Noah just kept saying to trust him. But then I heard different voices and felt more than two hands on me. That’s when I realized Noah and his fraternity brothers were raping me, one at a time. He did nothing to stop it. He helped hold me down so they could each have their turn.” I started to breathe faster, and my mouth went dry. “I could feel them; it hurt like hell. I could smell the liquor on their breath. It was so real.”

  “How truly terrifying. How were you reacting in the dream?”

  “I was fighting, but only in my mind. I felt paralyzed, like I’d been drugged. I couldn’t move or speak, and the room was pitch black, so I couldn’t see anything either. But I could feel it all.” My hands were shaking. I twisted them around, trying to make it less noticeable.

  “Gracie, why do you think you had this dream?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Take a deep breath for me and relax. I’m going to take you somewhere difficult.”

  Like it would be easy to relax after that directive, but still, I tried.

  “Do you think what you dreamed about actually happened?”

  That one question sucked every molecule of air from the room. I gasped for breath and felt faint. I leaned back into the couch and covered my face with my hands.

  “No. No. No. It didn’t. I would have remembered it. Wouldn’t I have remembered it?”

  “Gracie, give me a second to elaborate.”

  I took another deep breath.

  “Sometimes, our brains block things from our memory to protect us from the pain of actually having to process what happened. Gracie, listen...” She handed me a tissue and leaned forward. “We have to take this seriously so I can treat you for the trauma you may have experienced. Like you, I want this to be a dream and not a flashback, but we can’t ignore it. We have to get to the bottom of this.”

  I nodded. The thought of the dream being a flashback to something I’d actually experienced, but had tucked it away in my subconscious, was terrifying.

  “Gracie, there are many types of rape. Did you know that?”

  “I guess I never really thought about it. It’s not something I like to think about.”

  “Of course not. But I want you to think about your sexual experiences with Noah. Did you ever have intercourse even though you’d made it clear to him you didn’t want to?”

  “Sure, I guess. But he wasn’t violent or anything.”

  “Rape doesn’t have to be violent. In fact, statistics show that most a
ren’t. If you did not give your consent, either because you were afraid, too drunk, or even passed out, and he entered you in any way, that is rape.”

  I nodded and felt sick. My head was spinning. It was enough to have to deal with the stupid sex tapes, this nightmare, and now trying to rewind my brain to times that may have technically been rape. I didn’t want this to be part of my story.

  “My reasoning for bringing this up is, last night’s dream may have come from something in your subconscious, but not necessarily a gang rape. Dreams can also be symbolic and a result of triggers. Someone would have to admit to this crime or something would have to trigger an actual memory for you to know if this was, in fact, a flashback.”

  “Triggers?” I wasn’t sure if I was even breathing at that point. I was overwhelmed and wanted to wish it all away.

  “I believe you’re suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which manifests itself as a reaction to a trigger. So, something triggered this dream. What happened right before you went to bed? Anything that would have induced a panic response?”

  “I saw Jake flirting with his ex-girlfriend, and I freaked. I went back to my apartment, and when I walked in, it was like a time machine had thrown me back to the night Noah told me about all the cheating.” I was still shaking.

  “Well, there it is. Your apartment is actually a trigger for you. Lots of bad things happened there. Where will you live next semester? Same place?”

  “Yeah, my roommate, Stacy, will be back at the end of the summer.” I tried hard to focus on this new vein of conversation and not on what we’d just uncovered.

  “Well, then I say when you and Jake are back together, you two should make some new memories in your apartment. It will help you see the ‘now’ and not the ‘then’. Maybe you could transform it for a special date night. And while you are working on standing on your own, change the furniture around, hang different things on the walls. Do you see what I mean?”

  I nodded. “Make new memories. That sounds like fun.”

  “I’m sure it will be.”