“Now, if you decide you want to be our opening act, you will be playing acoustic. Just you and her on stage. But we thought we’d mix it up a bit tonight. The guys have offered to be back up for you for a couple songs. They’re going to play along tonight just to take the pressure off a little.”
“Calon. I didn’t prepare anything. I can’t—”
“Sink or swim, Gracie.”
And with that, he stepped off the stage and sat down in a chair directly in front of me. He leaned back and started tapping one of his boots loud enough for the band to hear. On cue, Bones came in with the bass guitar, then Manny on lead and Spider on drums. “Rearview Mirror.” I had a flashback of the night Jake had to come get me after Becki, Calon, and I left Sid’s. At some point on our drunken walk, I told Calon I’d learned how to play some Pearl Jam songs, and that “Rearview Mirror” was my favorite. I didn’t tell him, why but there was no doubt in my mind he understood. The references to abuse and the theme of needing to only see someone from the rearview mirror was quite symbolic for me. And the way he empathized with me the day on the park bench, I assumed the song resonated with him, as well.
I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths, so many, in fact, the guys had to do the whole eight-measure intro again. And again.
Sink or swim. I’m gonna swim. Shit.
I started strumming the second time through the intro and finally sang on the third. I was glad the lyrics started slowly, because I knew my voice would be shaky, and singing slowly would give me a minute to breathe and calm the hell down.
My eyes stayed closed, and I came in on cue. I was shocked my voice wasn’t all over the place. I was stiff and guarded, but I got through the first section of the song before the band stopped playing. I opened my eyes and looked around. The guys were all looking for direction from Calon.
“Gracie, you look scared.” Calon smiled, which pissed me off.
“Ya think?” I huffed and rolled my eyes at him. “I’m terrified, Calon! Stop making fun!” I popped off the stool and stamped my foot.
He shook his head, smiled, and stood. He grabbed the heavy wooden bar chair he had been sitting on and replaced my stool with his chair.
He pointed at it. “Sit.”
I feared I was making an ass of myself which had me on the defensive. At that moment, I didn’t care how gorgeous he was, I wasn’t going to do anything for him if he kept being so bossy. I put my hands on my hips and waited.
“Sorry, I’m used to talking to these idiots. Could you please sit for me, Gracie?” He waved his hand across the front of the chair like he was a spokesmodel showing off a new product.
I sat. My eyes darted to the back of the room. Jake was watching and knew me well enough to know that I got pissy when I was uncomfortable. He blew me a kiss and winked, which calmed my nerves a little.
Thirty
Jake
I watched Calon slide his body between Gracie and the back of her chair, straddling her from behind. The hair on my neck stood on end. He shook out his arms and gently laid them across her guitar nervously bouncing off her knees. She looked up at me and caught my expression as it changed from supportive to protective then back to supportive again. I had to turn away. I wanted Gracie to do this, but I couldn’t watch, yet I had to at the same time.
“Relax, Gracie. I’m going to show you something.” He leaned closer and looked at the guitar from over her right shoulder. Gracie took a deep breath and nodded.
“You ready?”
I wished he would turn his sultry tone down a few notches. Gracie nodded.
“Okay. I want you to lay your arms over mine like they are part of me. I want you so close that we strum these chords like we are one person.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I knew this was how he would teach Gracie to let go and lose herself in the music, but it started to look like he was losing himself in what it felt like to touch Gracie. Why, in God’s name, could this guy not be smelly and greasy? Why did he have to look...like that? I thought I was secure in how Gracie felt about Calon. But I was back and forth over whether I trusted Calon or not.
Over the next hour, Calon helped Gracie feel the nature of the timing, of strumming, of fingering the chords and singing.
Calon ended the evening with him in his chair down off the stage, Gracie on the stool, and all the guys in their places. They did a slower version of “Rearview Mirror” and it was amazing. I could see the process Calon was trying to kickstart. I watched Gracie go from wide-eyed and scared out of her mind, to a more relaxed performer with her eyes closed, tapping her foot on the rung of the stool, and leaning her body into her guitar each time she lost herself. She was my rock star. And I would swallow all my angst about Calon touching her and being so connected to her, because I just watched him give her a gift I couldn’t.
Even my new bartending friends whooped and yelled when she finished. Of course, Maverick made his way across the room, sidled up to Gracie, and pretended to hit on her like a groupie would. She giggled, but I had the feeling she’d be giddy all night even if Mav hadn’t propositioned her. She was absolutely glowing.
We said goodbye to the guys, and Gracie thanked Calon and Yaz for pressuring her into submission. They assured me it was support and not pressure, but either way, it got her to a place I wasn’t sure she would go—the center of attention—and that was pretty damn cool. Stunningly beautiful. I held her hand as we climbed the stairs to the outside.
“Gracie, I have no words.”
“Thanks, Jake.”
“I wish you could have seen yourself. You gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes. I am so proud of you.” I stopped her on the busy sidewalk and turned her to face me. I leaned in and kissed her softly.
“I had no idea it would feel like that. It was like I left the stage, experienced something indescribable, then came back.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed so tight, I could barely breathe.
“Gracie, I can’t even express how proud of you I am. I knew you would get back to the Gracie you once were, but I think you’ve surpassed that and have evolved into a Gracie you didn’t even know existed.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“It’s a freaking sexy thing!” I grabbed her hand, and we started walking with the early evening crowd again.
Seeing her bare her soul like that, even with the small amount of hesitation evident on her face while she sang, was bar none the hottest thing I’d ever seen.
“Gracie, I want so badly to make love to you right now.”
“Calm down there, lover boy.”
“I’ll wait. I may die waiting, but you’re worth it.”
Gracie smiled and wrapped her hand around my arm. She put her head against my shoulder and sighed.
“What are you thinking?” I wasn’t sure I should even ask, because if she came back with something sexual, I would burst into a thousand sexually frustrated pieces right there on the sidewalk.
“I’m thinking I don’t know how I got so lucky.”
“I’m just a regular guy, Gracie. A regular guy who loves you so much, it hurts.”
“You’re no regular guy, Jake. Becki even talks about it.”
“Ohhh, so if Becki says it, it must be truth. Gotcha.” I chuckled and kissed her on the top of her head.
“She talks about cloning you and making a ton of money. I mean, I know I couldn’t actually clone you, but if I could, I’d be rich. The other stuff she’s come up with though is your typical Becki-style craziness.”
“Like what?”
“I’m pretty sure you don’t want to know.”
“Try me.”
“She’s said a hundred times that I could start my own business loaning you out. Girls could buy “Jake-time” punch cards and experience your sexual side as often as they like until their punch card was full.”
“Punch cards, huh? You think we should get those laminated? And are we going to do the ‘fill the card and get one last go ‘round for free’?”
“Jacob Andrew! I’m not sharing you with anyone!” She smacked me in the stomach and cackled.
I raised an eyebrow and smirked. “But Becki said we’d be rich.”
“And you’d be dead because I’d kill you. Just thinking of you connecting with another girl makes my fists clench. Look.” She held her hands out, and, sure enough, her hands were fisted into little weapons.
“You know I’m kidding. I have no interest in being with anyone but you.”
“Ditto.”
“Even Calon?” It was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I squeezed my eyes and waited for her reaction.
“Yes, Jake. Even Calon.” She slid her arm around my waist and pulled me into her.
“You know he’d love to be with you, right?”
“That’s silly. I’m sure he thinks of me like a project and nothing more.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Jake, we’ve been over this. Let it go. I don’t have any interest in Calon. I mean, sure, he is drop-dead, heart-thumpingly beautiful and incredibly sexy, but my heart belongs to you.” She was in rare form, teasing me in every way she could.
“Nice.” I nodded and she giggled. I was sure it would be hard to find a girl who wouldn’t describe Calon in that way, so it was okay that she picked up on his looks, you’d have to be blind not to. Hell, even I would agree he was that hot.
“You’re not worried I’ll hook up with him, are you?”
“Gracie, I can’t pretend to understand the creative bond between you two. I trust you. I guess it’s him I worry about. If you start playing with them, it won’t only be at Mitchell’s.”
“So you only trust me when you can see me?” Her tone was a little sharp.
“Gracie, no. I just...I don’t want you to get yourself into a situation that could get out of hand.”
“Out of hand? How often have you known me to just fuck a guy because he shows me attention?” She was pissed. She’d translated what I said then kicked it up a notch.
“Gracie, I didn’t mean you’d have sex with him.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“The two of you have this connection, one I can only try to understand, because I don’t have a creative bone in my body.” She nodded as if she agreed. “Watching that connection makes me uncomfortable, because it appears as though he’s completely into you, but I’m trying to see it for what it is. I really am. I guess the part of me that wants to protect you worries that if you’d go out for drinks after a gig, he might make a move on you.”
“Jake, I’m sure he sees me as just his student, that’s all. And the intensity...he never puts that away. It’s not just with me. He doesn’t ever turn that intensity off. I don’t think he can.”
“Based on everything that’s happened in the past week, I’m sure you can understand how my initial gut reaction to seeing someone that intense with you, especially someone you have a past with, could set me off a little.”
“I get it. I just don’t want you to think Calon is going to make a move on me every time we work together. I want to be able to let go and do what I did tonight.”
“Maybe you should make it clear to him where your boundaries are.”
“I’m sure he knows.”
“I trust you, Gracie. I just don’t want to have to kill him.”
“Jake!”
She laughed so hard, she stumbled and bumped me into a storefront. She pressed me against the cold bricks and claimed my mouth. Her hands reached up for my face, and I slid mine to her lower back. I wanted to go farther down her body, but knew I needed my own boundaries, too. The passion in her kiss was a whole conversation that assured me she had no intent with Calon, that she was a big girl and wouldn’t let anything happen. She pushed herself away, grabbed my hand, and pulled me along behind her. My knees were weak.
“And, Jake, Calon and I don’t have a past. We kissed, once. That’s it.”
“Was it a kiss like that?” I pointed back toward where she’d just had her way with me.
“Not even close.”
Thirty-one
Gracie
Jake walked me to my apartment and kissed me sweetly before heading upstairs. I lay awake and tried to sort out my thoughts about Jake’s obvious discomfort over Calon’s intentions. I understood, but I knew myself well enough to know that if I let it eat away at me, I would feel pressured to create some distance between Calon and I, which could potentially ruin the opportunity for me to search out my newfound gift. Yaz wasn’t a rock star; he could give me lessons, but he couldn’t teach me how to “feel” the way Calon could.
There was something dark in Calon. He’d been through something that gave him a glimpse into Hell. I could sense it. And that tortured artist thing is how we connected. I channeled Sylvia and decided Jake was going to have to put on his big boy panties and get over it. I’d been cheated on. I knew what that felt like, I would never do that to anyone else. Besides, Calon could have his pick of any one of his groupies; he was only interested in being my newly appointed creative counsel, not in me. My phone buzzed.
Calon: Gracie, what you did tonight...you have crazy talent. We just need to break thru the wall somebody helped you build.
Me: Yeah, good luck with that. Jake’s trying to do the same thing.
Calon: Jake’s a lucky guy.
What the hell? Don’t go there, Calon. Please don’t go there.
Calon: Night, G
Me: Night
I fell asleep reliving my very first of what I hoped were many rock star moments. I was hooked. Terrified, but definitely hooked.
****
“Get up, sleepyhead.” Jake shook me before my eyes were even open. His touch lifted goosebumps along my limbs. I wiggled when my senses were awake enough to tell it wasn’t a dream. He was in my apartment, and it was early. I should never have given him Stacy’s extra key.
“Jake, what time is it? My eyelids are telling me it’s way too early to open them.”
“It’s ten o’clock already. I thought we could go by the bakery and get some bagels and stuff and have a picnic at Circle Park. So, you have to get up.”
I opened one eye to see the clock. It really was ten. I scooted to the edge of the bed and sat up. I rubbed my eyes then squinted when the sunshine from the window hit my pupils. Jake sat back on Stacy’s desk chair and watched me.
I straightened out the twisted cami I’d slept in and peered over at him. “Ya know, you’re lucky you’re so damn cute. You know that right?”
“Well, if you mean I’m lucky because I get to come wake you up whenever I want, then yes, I would agree.”
“No. I meant if you weren’t so damn cute, I’d punch you in the throat for making me crawl out of this bed.” I thought about how I could get revenge for his unnecessary waking, but every idea I had involved coming onto him then just letting him hang when I decided it could wait. But that wasn’t fair play while we were trying to stay in control of our obvious physical attraction to each other.
He raked his eyes over me as I walked from the bedroom toward the bathroom in my cami and tiny bikini panties. I rubbed my eyes and looked at him over my shoulder when I rounded the corner.
“Gracie Jordan, you are making me crazy.” He ran up behind me and smacked my bottom. “I’m thinking we should stay in for a few—”
“Oh, no you don’t. We have plans for bagels at Circle Park, remember?” I quickly tore myself away and ran to the bathroom for a quick shower.
When we got there, we spread out the big blanket we always used. Jake started unpacking the bag from the bagel shop. I tried to figure out where to lay my guitar case so it wouldn’t be in our way yet would still be protected by the blanket. Jake had begged me to bring it so I could play for him. I was growing so attached to Josephine; I had no problem lugging her along. But playing for Jake made me nervous.
We ate our breakfast all alone in the park. It was odd that on a Thursday during summer semester there was no one
walking to class.
“Is today a holiday? Why aren’t people going to class?” Jake and I didn’t have any classes, so it could have been some holiday and I would never have known.
Jake took a huge bite of his bagel with lox and shrugged. I grabbed my phone to see the date, but the time is what I saw first.
“Seven-thirty? It’s seven-thirty? Jake!” I lunged for him, knocking him backwards just as he forced his last bite down his throat. I groaned and sat back on my legs. “Unbelievable.”
Jake held his stomach with both hands and giggled uncontrollably as he tried to sit up. “I wanted to spend the whole day with you. And I knew if you knew what time it was, you would never get up.”
“I can’t believe you! I think that’s the sneakiest, most under-handed thing you’ve ever done!” I giggled the whole way through that sentence.
“Okay, enough with your abuse. Play your guitar for me.”
A bevy of things that flutter entered my belly all at once. I knew he wouldn’t let this picnic end without me playing something. And I guess the fact that it was so early was the silver lining, because it was possible that he would be the only one who heard me.
I reached around, unlatched the case, and pulled Josephine into my lap. I should have used the walk to the park to think of something to play. I wasn’t good at winging it under pressure. I got my left hand ready and held my pick against the strings with my right.
“Jake, this is Josephine. Josephine, this is Jake.” I smiled.
“Josephine? You named her after your grandma? Nice to meet you, Josephine. Thank you for making my Gracie happy.” We both smiled.
I took a deep breath and started to strum a couple different chords, and then it came to me. “Beautiful Ending” by Barlow Girl. I played the first six or seven measures and stopped. I closed my eyes and took a long, deep breath...in through my mouth and out through my nose.
“Gracie?”
I looked up at the beautiful blue eyes that swallowed me whole. I smiled and shook my head. “I can’t play this without singing.”
On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep Page 19
