Cowboys Don't Quit

by Anne McAllister

  "Just you be nice to her or it'll be my job."

  The question was would she be nice to him? Luke knew he had no right to expect it. If she shut the door in his face it would be no more than he deserved. He just hoped he could get the toe of his boot in before she did so.

  She lived on the fifteenth floor. The elevator had fancy inlaid wood in the paneling. The foyer outside the six apartments was carpeted with thick, rose-colored plush to muffle sound. Still Luke could hear himself breathing, could hear his heart pounding. He wiped damp palms on his jeans, shut his eyes briefly, then opened them again and knocked on the door.

  The door jerked open. "Cara, I'm fine, really, I—" Jill stopped dead. What little color there was in her cheeks drained totally away.

  Luke managed what he hoped was a smile. "Hi."

  He saw her swallow. Her fingers tightened into a fist. "Luke."

  "Can I come in?"

  She hesitated a moment, then stepped back and let him in. Then she shut the door, skirted quickly around him and led the way into a sun-drenched room with a view of the park. It was a warm room filled with furniture that wouldn't have looked out of place back in Colorado.

  He noticed for the first time that she wasn't dressed— not in street clothes, anyway. She wore a robe, tied loosely around her middle, and her long hair hung down her back.

  "Are you sick?" he demanded.

  She turned and faced him, shaking her head. Her fingers gripped the back of an armchair so tightly that her knuckles were white. "I'm fine."

  "You thought I was somebody else," he said. "Somebody who was worried about you."

  She shrugged. "My neighbor across the way, Cara. She knew I came home last night and she— Never mind about me. What are you doing here?"

  He wondered where to start. "I read your book," he said at last.

  "Oh?" He could hear the caution in her voice, the wariness that she had every right to feel.

  "It was great. I never...I never knew. About Keith, I mean, about his parents. He never said. He never told me any of it."

  Jill lifted her shoulders. "I'm not surprised," she said softly. "I think I was the only one he ever told. I debated for a long time about putting it in the book. I wondered if it was disloyal."

  "It's not. It makes him clear. It makes him whole. It makes sense out of a lot of things that I never really understood."

  "Good." Their eyes met for a moment, then she looked away.

  She might have been on vacation, but he thought she still looked tired. There were dark circles under her eyes and she looked as if she'd lost weight. She twisted her hands together, then glanced toward the door.

  "Thank you for telling me." And now, goodbye. He could hear the words even if she didn't actually say them.

  "That's not all," he said quickly. "It...it made me think. What you said...about Keith always trying to be the best Keith he could. That was true. He was. And he is..." he hesitated a second, then plunged on, "an example. But you know—" and here he managed a wry smile "—I've got a hell of a long way to go." He looked straight at her and gave her his heart. "I could use your help."

  She didn't reply. She stood staring at him, absolutely mute, and he went on desperately, "I know I don't have any right to expect it. Reckon you have every reason to tell me to go to hell." He dug a toe of his boot into the rug underfoot, then slanted her a quick glance and saw her run her tongue over her lips.

  "What sort of help?" she asked hollowly, when he'd almost given up hope that she'd ever speak again.

  He ducked his head, unable to look at her straight on. He rubbed a hand against the back of his neck. "Love me," he said. It was barely more than a whisper. He didn't think she could have heard him, except he heard her suck in her breath.

  "I need you to," he went on doggedly. "I know I said I didn't want this. I know I said I couldn't live with the guilt of having what should have been Keith's. But what you wrote—about Keith taking a chance on life, about him never quitting. Well, you were right. He hated quitters. I guess," he said, his mouth twisting in a ghost of a grin, "I didn't want him lookin' down at me and callin' me one."

  "That's why, is it?" Jill said softly, but there was just the hint of a smile on her face.

  Luke nodded. "That's why. And because I love you." And then he stared at her, stricken. "Oh, God in heaven, don't cry. Please don't."

  But she was, and he stood there, dumb as a crutch, not having the faintest idea what to do to stop her.

  He took a step toward her, then halted, but the tears kept on and he couldn't bear it. "Jeez, Jill, you gotta stop. Please. I'll leave. Look, I'll just get out and you won't have to see me ever again I promise I—" He turned and headed for the door.

  "No!" She held out her arms to him, tears still rolling down her face "No Don't go I never thought you'd come. Please don't go."

  He didn't He went instead straight into her arms He put his arms around her as well, crushing her against him, savoring the sensation of her trembling body pressed against him, relishing the softness of her skin and the touch of her lips on his He brushed his fingers through her hair and kissed away her tears.

  "I don't want to make you cry," he murmured "I've made your life miserable enough."

  She shook her head, smiling at him, touching his cheek with her fingers, as if when he'd come, he'd brought the sun. And damned if the room didn't seem lighter now, but Luke figured it was on account of her smile.

  "I never thought you'd come," she confessed again.

  "I'm a hard-headed son-of-a-gun Takes me awhile to smarten up Nothing like almost losing your life to figure out what makes it worth saving."

  She looked at him worriedly "What do you mean?"

  So he told her. She drew him down onto the sofa in the living room and he cuddled her next to him while he told her about reading the manuscript, about having it still echoing in his head when Paco had fallen in the river.

  He told her about the struggle to get the boy, and he hurried his explanation along when he saw how worried she was that something dreadful had happened.

  "But I got him out," he said "I got sucked back in and I was ready to give up. Then I remembered Keith And I remembered you and suddenly the future started makin' a lot more sense."

  "I'm glad," Jill whispered as she turned m his arms "You don't know how glad."

  He rested his forehead against hers and took a shaky breath "You think maybe you could show me?"

  She smiled "I think maybe I could."

  She did, and her loving was sweeter than he remembered Her body was lusher than he remembered, even though she was willowy still Her touch was gentle, her kisses achingly tender And as he matched her, touch for touch, kiss for kiss, he found he matched her tears as well, and he didn't even flinch when she touched one with her thumb and brushed it softly away.

  "I tried to find you," he told her afterward, when they lay in her bed curled in each other's arms "I went to see Hunter in L A I came back here and bribed Eddie, the super I called Carl so often he thought I was deranged."

  "Did you?" She sounded delighted "I had no idea." Her smile faded slightly "After that last day I had no hopes left."

  "Where did you go? After L.A. , I mean?"

  "A friend of mine has a place in the woods in British Columbia I went there I needed to put my head back together, to figure out how to get on with my life I had things to cope with I hadn't counted on." She turned in his arms, looking away from him. He felt a moment's panic.

  "Being alone, you mean?"

  "No." She paused and looked back at him. "Having a child."

  For a long moment her words held no inclining Inr him A child? What child? He looked at her closely and, all at once, saw new meaning in the dark hollows under her eyes, in the tired, gaunt look on her face. He found new meaning in the slight differences he'd felt in her body when they'd made love.

  "A child? My child?"

  She nodded.

  "You're having my child?"

  "Are
you angry?" she asked quickly.

  "No. Of course not." He wasn't. He didn't know what he was except glad he was lying down. A child! He could scarcely believe it.

  "Truly?" She laid a hand on his arm, still looking worried.

  Luke smiled, shaking his head. "I'm not angry. I'm amazed. I never thought. When did you find out?"

  "I knew that day."

  His smile vanished. He stared. "The last day? The day we...made love?"

  She nodded. "I'd been feeling sort of sick. I was late. I did one of those tests. It was positive."

  He shoved himself up against the headboard and looked at her, anguished. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "How could I? You didn't want responsibility for anyone."

  She didn't say the words accusingly, though he knew she had every right to feel that way. He rubbed a hand across his face.

  "I'm sorry," he said hoarsely.

  She touched her lips to his. "I'm not. You're here now. For all the right reasons."

  "I might not have been," he argued, still stunned.

  "Life isn't made of might haves, Luke. We both know that," she said softly. "Life is made of what actually happens. You're here. We love each other. That's what matters. Not all the things we should have done. Now is all we have. Now we go on from here."

  He hesitated, almost afraid to ask. "Together?"

  She kissed him. "Forever."

  A shudder went through him. He drew her up against him and rubbed his forehead against her hair. "It sounds wonderful. Just keep reminding me, will you?"

  "Every day," she promised, and bent her head, nestling it into the crook of his neck.

  "Would you ever have told me?" he asked her when they'd made love once more. His mind was still trying to grapple with impending fatherhood.

  He felt her shift against him. "Yes. After he was born." She touched his cheek and dropped a kiss on his chin. "A boy needs a father."

  Luke swallowed. "It's a boy?"

  Jill lifted her head and looked into his eyes. She smiled at him. "That's what they say."

  He was born in April. A dark-haired, blue-eyed promise of spring. A lusty, seven-pound-nine-ounce gift of new life. They named him Keith.