This is Ridiculous, This is Amazing

by Jason Good

  10. I can’t change the channel from the toilet.

  11. Don’t bite my shoulder.

  12. Because it would probably hurt if I carried you around by your head.

  13. Don’t smack the flowers.

  Some Fantastic Winter Activities

  There’s nothing quite as effective as winter weekends for bringing out the worst in families with young kids. Here are some of our go-to cabin-fever activities. Yes, we read books and snuggle and all those wonderful things, but what about the other eleven hours of awake time?

  1. Take forty-five minutes getting ready to go outside.

  2. Go outside for twenty-seven seconds.

  3. Go to the mall.

  4. Play “Fly around and turn the lights on and off until Daddy hyperventilates.”

  5. Go to Best Buy and play with the refrigerators.

  6. Do a puzzle for three minutes.

  7. Build a fort with sofa cushions and tapestries that collapses immediately.

  8. Drag the cat around on a blanket.

  9. Drag a kid around on a blanket.

  10. Drag both kids and the cat around on a blanket.

  11. Google “symptoms of slipped disc.”

  12. Go to the other mall.

  13. Invent games that involve lying down (see page 26).

  14. Explain to the kids why it’s important that they learn to play by themselves as they stare at you blankly.

  15. Cover Daddy’s face with duct tape.

  16. Watch Mommy get duct tape out of Daddy’s hair.

  17. Google “wig shops in New Jersey.”

  18. Chase each other around until someone cries.

  19. Ponder our favorite question, “What the hell is everyone else in this town DOING right now?”

  20. Call all our friends and find out that they already have plans.

  21. Chide ourselves for once again not making any weekend plans.

  22. Play with a flashlight in the closet.

  23. Explain why it hurts to get hit on the head with a flashlight.

  24. Google “What’s the absolute maximum amount of TV a kid can watch without developing a neurological disorder?”

  Zen and the Art of Parenting

  Do you ever see parents in the park or at the grocery store who seem to “just flow” with their kid’s ridiculous behavior? Either they’re deaf, have given up, or have learned to be a Zen parent. I’m none of those things, but if you’ve learned anything so far in this book, it’s that I don’t shy away from providing advice despite having no idea what I’m talking about. Here’s how to achieve serenity.

  STEP 1. Find a quiet place in your house. Right, okay, there is no quiet place in your house. In that case, go to Step 7.

  STEP 2. Great, you found a quiet spot. The kids must be at school. Now sit comfortably, but not in a way that might cause you to fall asleep. If you’re like me, and almost always fall asleep when you’re comfortable, you should probably visit a physician because you’re either depressed or suffering from sleep apnea. Remember, meditation is supposed to be a mindful but active stillness and we’re not all cut out for it.

  STEP 3. Cool. You made it. Now close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Feel the air pass in . . . and . . . out of your nose. If something is flapping inside your nose, or there’s a slight whistling noise, let any judgment or feeling you have about it float away like a leaf in the wind. Now you’re convinced the flapping thing in your nose is a leaf. Meanwhile, one of your child’s toys has started beeping spontaneously. I’ve totally been there. You have to find a way to stop thinking about that. Now you’re chanting “Stop thinking about that” over and over in your mind. You might even be singing it to the tune of the Dora the Explorer theme song. If so, there’s really no way to make it out of this—go directly to Step 7.

  STEP 4. Awesome, you’re not trapped in the tautology of confusion and need caused by skipping to Step 7. Now is the time to take what you learned while meditating and spend the rest of the day “living in the moment.” Remember, THERE IS NO OTHER TIME THAN THIS VERY MOMENT and now it’s gone, and now that one is gone too. MOMENTS ARE DYING FASTER THAN FRUIT FLIES AND IT’S HORRIFYING HOW POWERLESS WE ARE TO STOP IT. Okay, since this attempt is only causing you to obsess about the passage of time and your own impending mortality, you’re probably not ready to “live in the moment.” Return to Step 1. But HURRY, it’s 3 P.M. and you have to pick up your son at school in fifteen minutes. Sorry about that. I know feeling rushed is so not Zen.

  STEP 5. Okay, let’s say you’re a placid hermit with a perfect house in the woods, the enviable ability to stop thinking about huge leaves in your nose, and you’ve banished the Dora theme song from your head (HOW?) Apparently, you can meditate without picking your nose, singing, or falling asleep. Your mind is at peace, but alert. Now look around you and appreciate how beautiful everything is and . . . uh oh, your other kid just woke up from his nap.

  STEP 6. If you’re here, you must not have children. Since I’ve never come close to getting past Step 1, this is foreign territory for me. Maybe you should paint or tend to your heirloom tomatoes.

  STEP 7. Say, “Screw it, I’m just gonna eat.” If you’re on a diet, go to Step 7a.

  STEP 7a. Buy a new house where the kids have their own wing that is insulated with soundproof foam. You’ll also need a full-time nanny because, well, the kids won’t really want to stay for long in this incredibly expensive soundproof area you built. If you can’t afford a new house and a nanny, return to Step 7 and spend the rest of your life in an uncomfortable state of bouncing between your insatiable cravings for food and a quieter living space. If this is unappealing, go to Step 8.

  STEP 8. Return to Step 1.

  The Bees Are Back in Town

  Remember when we were all afraid that the bees were gone forever and then we wouldn’t . . . wait, what was the problem with that? Well, I found all the bees—they were hanging out at the apple orchard feasting on rotten apples and waiting for my sons. If you’ve never experienced a five-year-old getting a bee sting, here’s what you’re in for.

  1. It’s calm . . . beautiful.

  2. The sun is shining, but the air is crisp enough to require light jackets.

  3. We each have a small basket for apples.

  4. This is blissful family time.

  5. From the corner of your eye, you see a small arm waving back and forth.

  6. You assume the child is simply fanning himself.

  7. The soothing sounds of children running and the chanting of a tractor engine in the distance are suddenly and without warning, drowned out by . . .

  8. BEE

  9. BEE BEE

  10. BEE BEE BEE

  11. BEE BEE BEE BEE

  12. Now everyone is doing a panic dance.

  13. Smaller child (to whom the bees are mysteriously unattracted) is running in circles, tripping and falling on various things.

  14. Mother is swatting about furiously.

  15. Father is frozen in place.

  16. Older child’s face now turns the color of a cartoon character holding its breath.

  17. A bubble of hysteria snot peeks out of his nose, a clear sign that a sting has occurred.

  18. He joins his brother in the running circle. Brother thinks it’s a game and starts laughing.

  19. Mother is trying to catch the victim so she can “suck out the venom.”

  20. Father reminds mother that the child was not bitten by a snake.

  21. A crowd has assembled around the crazy family running in circles.

  22. As the victim runs, two thick braids of snot swing about his head like pigtails.

  23. Mother trips and almost falls, but as a result, catches the victim and screams, “WHERE DID IT STING YOU?”

  24. “NECK NECK NECK!” he responds.

  25. The vampire mom attempts to suck the poison from her son’s neck.

  26. The crowd is silent.

  27. The father is silent.

  28.
Everyone is thinking, “Is that what you do with a bee sting?”

  29. The smaller brother is still running. He trips on a pumpkin and starts crying.

  30. One snot braid falls to the ground and rests gently on top of the thick orchard grass.

  31. A helpful member of the audience alerts them that he would have already gone into shock by now if he were allergic to bee stings.

  32. We all stare at the helpful man for a moment and he disappears into a puff of smoke.

  33. A young farm hand (orchard hand?) comes by with an ointment. He’s smiling and cheerfully asks, “Did someone get stung by a bee?”

  34. Suddenly, we all realize that this was no big deal at all.

  35. Ointment is applied, face is wiped clean, all is good.

  36. Time to go home and we’ve been in the orchard for only twelve minutes.

  37. Stop at McDonald’s on the way home.

  38. Spend the next year running from anything that buzzes, yelling BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE. Assure child, “No sweetie, that’s just the neighbor using his weed whacker.”

  39. Surprisingly, he still likes apples.

  Who Needs Tissues When They Have a Sleeve?

  Young children are sick for 280 days a year, but it’s the secondary emotional conditions that you have to prepare for. Here are some of the syndromes you can look forward to dealing with.

  ACUTE FACIAL TISSUE FEAR (AFTF)

  This PTSD-related syndrome occurs when a child experiences an overly aggressive nose wipe from an adult. The child becomes completely terrified of any facial tissue, and will do almost anything to avoid contact. Methods of avoidance include screaming, running away, throwing puzzle pieces, intentionally falling face-first off the sofa, biting, slapping, spitting, etc.

  COUCH SNOT SYNDROME (CSS)

  This is typified by a young patient’s inability to wipe his or her nose anywhere else but the sofa cushions. Generally, this is treated as a psychological problem related to AFTF, but can also be seen as a symptom of extreme fatigue and the general unwillingness to move from a comfortable position while watching Elmo’s Potty Time.

  MILK MOUTH (MM)

  Also known as “webbed teeth,” this is a condition caused by the excessive ingestion of milk into an already snotty mouth. The nose is clogged, so very little oxygen is introduced into the problem area. Symptoms include loud squishing noises when talking and creamy white ropes connecting the upper and lower teeth when the mouth is opened.

  GAPING HACK (GH)

  When a cough is coming on, the child suddenly displays an inability to turn his or her head. As a result, the contents of the cough frequently splatter on and fog the glasses of a nearby adult. In 50 percent of cases, the content enters the adult’s mouth.

  CRUSTED SHOULDER (CS)

  Similar to CSS described previously, Crusted Shoulder is often only noticed after a parent removes his or her shirt in the evening to find they’ve grown snot-based papier-mâché shoulder pads (usually a result of acute CMATTS described on page 166).

  OXYGEN INTAKE SWITCH SYNAPSE FAILURE (OISSF)

  This is a sleeping condition seen mostly in children under three. When the nose becomes clogged, the brain fails to acknowledge its ability to take in oxygen through the mouth. Not until the patient wakes up crying from his or her inability to breathe does the mouth/nose switch synapse begin firing correctly. This is generally repeated in thirty-minute sessions throughout the night for the duration of the illness. There is no known cure, though some interesting work is being conducted at many esteemed medical research facilities.

  CARRY ME ALL THE TIME SYNDROME (CMATTS)

  The child refuses to be put down at all over a twelve-to thirteen-hour period. The patient is unable to extend his or her legs enough to stand or walk. They will also make horrible noises when falling anywhere beneath a parent’s waistline. In extreme cases, the patient won’t even permit the parent to sit down, resulting in the eventual collapse of the caretaker (COTC).

  How to Make a Kid Potion

  Out of what I assume was desperation, my wife taught our sons how to make “potions.” These concoctions don’t actually do anything—she’s not a witch. A potion is simply defined as a glass full of random fluids and powders found throughout the house. Here’s how they’re made.

  1. Get a step stool so you can reach the “nice glasses.”

  2. Open fridge and take out orange juice.

  3. Fill glass with orange juice.

  4. While carrying full glass of orange juice, kick step stool over to spice cabinet.

  5. Place glass on folded kitchen towel. Make sure it’s balancing precariously.

  6. Get mustard powder and shake it violently over teetering glass.

  7. Now go upstairs carrying full glass of orange juice and mustard powder. Spill a tiny bit with each step.

  8. Open bathroom drawer. Take out eucalyptus oil and add seven to one hundred drops.

  9. Grab Daddy’s toothbrush, plunge it into potion and stir.

  10. Pour half of contents into sink to make room for more ingredients.

  11. Make sure some drips onto bath mat.

  12. Add three shakes of foot powder and a handful of Epsom salts.

  13. Respond to question “What are you doing up there?” with “Nothing!”

  14. Find used tube of caulk. Squeeze its contents into glass. Throw empty tube in shower.

  15. Stir again with toothbrush. Replace toothbrush exactly as you found it.

  16. Now, carry glass down to kitchen. Spill accordingly.

  17. Open coffeemaker and dump used contents of filter basket into glass.

  18. Also while in kitchen, plop in four grapes.

  19. Place glass back onto folded kitchen towel.

  20. Grab a measuring cup and head down to the basement.

  21. Take Daddy’s favorite mug (abandon measuring cup) and scoop out some of that random fluid in bottom of vegetable drawer in basement fridge. Return to kitchen.

  22. Dump half of mystery fridge liquid into glass while letting other half coat an adjacent apple.

  23. Carry potion back upstairs.

  24. Knock on Daddy’s office door, show him the potion, and when he asks “Hey, what’s in that, bud?” be honest.

  25. Defibrillate Daddy.

  26. Put potion on bathroom vanity; top it off with toothpaste, shaving gel, and an expired “intimate lubricant” you discovered wedged behind a box of maxi pads; and announce to whole family that no one is to touch your potion because it’s “cooking.”

  27. Throw a fit when brother pours it into toilet and flushes.

  28. Sing “Call Me Maybe” at full volume while Daddy’s on the phone with plumber.

  29. Announce that you now have no other choice than to make a new potion.

  The Goodie Bag

  Most birthday parties come with parting gifts enclosed in a festive plastic bag. That way everyone gets a present! Unfortunately, parents use these bags to punish other parents. Why? I don’t know.

  1. SLIDE WHISTLE: Why not just give the kid a siren?

  2. KAZOO: Slightly more annoying than a slide whistle.

  3. HARMONICA: Great! A thing that makes normal breathing sound like bagpipes.

  4. PIXY STIX: HAVE YOU DANCED WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT?

  5. A YO-YO: This is a medieval mace without the spikes.

  6. BUBBLES: Kids insist on blowing these inside and now everything is impossibly sticky (or very clean, depending on your level of optimism).

  7. WHOOPEE CUSHION: These break after Daddy gets a little overzealous.

  8. A LIVE GOLDFISH: The only thing that tops a super-fun party is teaching your child the harsh realities of mortality nine hours later.

  Kids Party Way Harder Than We Do

  We frequently have families over to our house—families that have children the same age as ours. And while the adults might have a couple beers or a few glasses of wine, it’s the kids who do the heavy partying. At the end o
f the night (approximately 8 P.M.), our home looks like a fraternity house at 6 A.M. on a Sunday.

  1. At least one kid is passed out on the sofa in the basement.

  2. There’s a half-eaten piece of pizza on the bookshelf.

  3. Two kids leave in bare feet.

  4. One kid is crying.

  5. The shower is on.

  6. There’s a streaker.

  7. The coin jar has been pillaged.

  8. Two kids have to be carried out.

  9. There are at least three mysterious puddles.

  10. The drum set in the basement is destroyed.

  11. Dozens of half-empty juice boxes are strewn about the house. One of them is stuffed in the subwoofer.

  12. There’s a kid in a tree.

  13. One kid is wearing only a pirate hat and a pair of dress shoes.

  14. EVERYTHING has been moved or placed in precarious piles.

  15. Three kids are wandering around aimlessly, talking nonsense.

  16. One of the toilets is broken.

  17. There’s a piece of plastic furniture on the lawn.

  18. One kid is still dancing and refuses to leave.

  19. Two kids are wet and won’t say why.

  20. Somebody puked in the hall closet.

  Love Hurts: Especially My Shoulder

  Playing with and chasing around kids forces you to move your body in ways it’s not meant to move, or at least in ways you haven’t moved it in twenty years. Here are some of the injuries I’ve sustained. I can only assume they’ll happen to you too.

  INJURY: Inability to look to my left

  LENGTH: Four days

  CAUSE: Aggressive pushing of the swing

  INJURY: Unspecified shoulder rotation thing

  LENGTH: Ongoing

  CAUSE: Per my three-year-old’s request, I was trying to hit a tennis ball over the house using only a small Spider-Man paddle