As Olivia talked about her joy in being able to give less fortunate children a home, Emma Jane couldn’t help but watch the lines deepen between Jasper’s brows. She hadn’t meant to make him uncomfortable, but they also hadn’t had much of a chance to speak privately since arriving. Last night, they’d both been so tired, and Emma Jane had fallen asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Since rising, they’d both been occupied by various members of the Lewis family.
Moses began to fuss, and before Emma Jane could ascertain what the problem was, Abigail reached for him. “I think this little one is due for another feeding.”
She gave Emma Jane a smile. “I am so glad to be able to help you with him. David is getting so big and independent that I miss these days of having a small one.”
Abigail glanced fondly at the little boy who sat on his father’s knee, tugging at his beard. Then she gave Charles such a deep look of love that it made Emma Jane’s heart churn again. Oh, to have that for her own life. What would it be like to exchange such sweet, tender glances?
Emma Jane transferred the baby to Abigail’s arms, then looked down at her own embroidery. Seeing her new initials stitched with her own neat hand seemed almost out of a dream or some other reality that couldn’t possibly exist. Jasper glanced at her, then at her embroidery, then looked away.
Things were so different between them now. When they were last here, they’d built a friendship of sorts. During their time in the mine, they’d talked, really talked, and Emma Jane had thought they’d come to a level of mutual respect. Then here at the hotel, where Emma Jane recuperated from her injuries, they’d become even friendlier.
She looked out the window, covered by the swirling snow. The last time they’d been stuck here, they’d also been trapped by a snowstorm, but it was nothing like this one. Now that they were closer to winter, the snow lasted longer and was colder and thicker.
Spying the basket of yarn near Jasper’s chair, Emma Jane smiled. Perhaps all Jasper needed was a reminder of their previous bond.
“Do you remember how I tried teaching you how to knit?”
When they were trapped here before, Emma Jane and Mary had tried showing Jasper and Will how to knit. The men’s hands were clumsy with the needles and yarn, and while they did not get any real knitting accomplished, they’d had great fun. And, as Emma Jane remembered with a pang, she’d felt a connection between her and Jasper.
A hint of a smile twitched at his lips. But his voice remained dull. “As I recall, it was not a successful endeavor.”
“Well, maybe we can play checkers instead,” Emma Jane said brightly, hoping to engage him in some way.
“I don’t like checkers.” Jasper turned to Stephen. “You wouldn’t happen to have any good books in that study of yours, would you?”
Emma Jane’s heart sank as her husband stood.
“Oh, yes, yes, I do!” Stephen jumped up, and the two men exited the room, Charles joining them.
“Don’t mind them,” Olivia said, patting Emma Jane as she walked over to the teapot. “Stephen and Charles were arguing politics earlier, and they know I only allow it in the gentlemen’s room. They’ve been itching to continue their discussion. Would you care for some more tea?”
Emma Jane nodded as she stared into the empty space Jasper left. If only it were as simple as Jasper wanting to discuss politics. Unfortunately, she knew for a fact that Jasper found the subject distasteful. No, he wanted to get away from her.
Being forced to marry someone was one thing. In the Jackson mansion, avoiding one another was easy enough. But here, trapped at the Spruce Lakes Resort, they were forced to be together. Except that Jasper seemed to be doing everything in his power to avoid it.
Was it so wrong to wish they would rekindle the connection they’d once had? Emma Jane dreaded the thought of spending the rest of her life married to a man who was sullen whenever he was in her presence.
Friendship... It was all she wanted from him. The romance, yes, that would be nice, but clearly it wasn’t going to happen. So why couldn’t they at least settle on a good old-fashioned companionship?
* * *
Jasper groaned at the heated argument between the two men, wishing he could be anywhere else, yet because he couldn’t handle the mix of emotions he felt being with Emma Jane, here he was. Stuck.
Stephen pointed to the bookcase. “Help yourself to anything that suits your fancy. You sure you don’t want to share an opinion on the upcoming elections?”
Jasper shook his head. “Quite sure.” He already knew how he’d be voting, and listening to the heated debates in his father’s study had given him a distaste for participating in them himself.
He glanced at the book titles. Everything he’d already read, and nothing that struck his interest. Once again, his mind drifted to Emma Jane. She’d spent a lot of time reading her Bible, and it seemed to take the edge off the somber mood while they were in the bandits’ cabin. In fact, it seemed to make even an unconscious Daisy more at peace.
“You wouldn’t happen to have an extra Bible, would you?”
Stephen smiled. “Ah, a man of the Word. I am so pleased to see one of the pillars of society so dedicated, not only to doing good, but in immersing himself in the Bible.”
Stephen’s compliment, while sincerely meant, felt like empty praise. Jasper didn’t want to do the good he was credited with, and his Bible reading, well, he didn’t really even know what it was about. He hadn’t spent much time studying the Bible on his own. Even now, he couldn’t understand why he felt drawn to it.
Jasper remained silent.
“As it so happens, my good man, when we emptied your saddlebag, I found your Bible. I set it on the dresser in your room.”
Of course Emma Jane would bring the Bible. He hadn’t given it any thought during their escape. Even though he’d warned her about carrying any extra weight, he found he couldn’t fault her for bringing the Bible. After all, when she’d gone missing, he’d even brought it along.
“Thank you. If you’ll excuse me...” Jasper nodded at both men and went up to the room he and Emma Jane had been given.
The Bible was not on the dresser but on the small table beside a chair that sat in front of the window. Emma Jane had probably already been reading it today.
He picked up the book and examined it. What treasure did it hold that kept Emma Jane so enthralled? And if it was really as useful in a person’s life as the pastor seemed to think, then why wasn’t she more...reasonable?
Sitting down, he thumbed through the pages. The Psalms seemed to be more creased and worn than the others, and he remembered Emma Jane reading from them at the cabin. Would this give him the peace he needed?
It hadn’t seemed like he’d been reading long when he heard footsteps on the stairs. Jasper quickly closed the Bible and put it back on the table. He couldn’t explain it, but he wasn’t ready for Emma Jane to know that her Bible reading had inspired something in him. Maybe because he wasn’t quite sure yet exactly what had been inspired.
“There you are.” Emma Jane peered into the room. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine.” He gave what he hoped was an acceptable smile.
But he should have known that Emma Jane wasn’t going to simply accept such a short answer and leave it at that.
“Things are different between us,” she said slowly, hesitantly, like she was almost afraid to say it.
The trouble was, he wasn’t sure he wanted to have the conversation. Not when he was still trying to figure out the puzzle of his life—the one that had been put together all without his consent.
“I don’t like having so many choices taken from me.” There. He said it. The thing that stood between them, that they could never find a way through.
“You’re still upset that I’m keeping Moses.”
There it was again. Her decision. Not his. Not even theirs.
“We didn’t discuss it.”
Emma Jane sighed. “There are a lot of things we don’t discuss. But the right decision in this case should be obvious. Moses needs a home. We both want children, but aren’t going to have any of our own.”
The longing on her face was obvious. And her argument made sense. Especially after the conversation he’d avoided having with her about children.
“This isn’t what I meant by compromise.”
“You don’t want to adopt?” Emma Jane looked at him like she didn’t understand what he was trying to say. And clearly, she didn’t.
“Compromise means both people talking about a subject and coming to a decision together. Everything in our relationship has been about you making a decision without me.”
His throat felt raw as the words came out. Burned. Oozed with the emotion he’d been holding in. He took a deep breath. Closed his eyes. Tried to steady himself.
But, of course, Emma Jane wouldn’t allow him that space to even find a steady place.
“Me, making decisions without you?” she huffed. “Who skipped out on our wedding without telling me? Who made a promise to a dying woman to save her sister? Who signed up to be a deputy? I’m not sure if you think you’re the pot or the kettle, but either way, you are not entitled to be angry with me for making a decision without you.”
He opened his eyes, and she stood before him—head held high, cheeks flushed, chest heaving. Looking like an Amazon ready for battle. Funny how he’d chastised her for not standing up for herself, and now that she was doing it, Emma Jane was every bit as glorious as he’d imagined. Only he’d never thought it would be used against him.
“You started it,” he said, knowing the words were childish but unable to help himself. If Emma Jane wanted to have this out, they were going to have it all out.
“I have done everything you have asked.” Tears streamed down her face. “What more do you want from me?”
“You didn’t trust me to find a solution for your family that didn’t involve marriage,” he said quietly. “You didn’t trust me when I told you not to get involved with the bandits. I asked you to please trust me, and I told you that the very foundation of our marriage depended on it, but every time I turn around, you are doing what you think is best, without regard to what I may want.”
He shook his head slowly. “I thought we could build something. But the longer I’m with you, the more I realize that I can’t trust you, because you don’t trust me.”
Jasper knew what it looked like when a woman was shot. He’d seen the look on Mel’s face when she died. The expression on Emma Jane’s face was no different. He’d hurt her. Part of him was deeply sorry.
But the other part of him felt free. For the first time since he’d married her, he felt like everything he’d been stuffing inside finally came out.
Except that only made him hurt more.
Because he knew that what he’d said was true. He didn’t trust Emma Jane, and she didn’t trust him.
So what exactly did they have?
“I do trust you.” Her voice shook slightly, echoes of the tears she’d been shedding. “But I don’t know how to get you to understand that.”
“When we leave, leave the baby here.”
Her face registered shock, but she didn’t say anything, so he continued. “Abigail loves him and has the ability to take care of him in ways you can’t. The Lewises have said that they believe God brings them children who need homes. We’ve done our duty by the baby. We’ve found him a home with people who love him and will care for him like their own, which is what Daisy wanted.”
“But I promised Daisy I would...”
“No.” The word caught in his throat. “Every time I see that baby, I think about how you didn’t trust me enough to talk to me about your decision. How every other important decision in my life was taken from me. And rather than working together as a couple to figure out what was best for the baby, you did what you wanted.”
Even now, he could hear the baby fussing downstairs and saw that Emma Jane’s attention was immediately drawn to the sound.
“We can’t even talk about our marriage without that baby taking your attention away.”
He regarded her solemnly, hating how cold he sounded but not knowing how else to get Emma Jane to understand. “I need my feelings to matter, too.”
“Ordering me to leave the baby here doesn’t sound like my feelings matter to you.”
There it was again. The strong Emma Jane with a ferocity he couldn’t help but admire. But as much as he admired it, he also couldn’t live with the way she continually disregarded his feelings.
“You’re right,” he rasped. “Right now, it feels like no matter what we do, one of us has to lose. The very foundation of our relationship is broken, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
A knock sounded at the door, and Stephen poked his head in. “Sorry to disturb you, but Abigail was wanting Emma Jane.”
He turned his attention to Emma Jane. “She was going to give the wee one his first bath and thought you’d enjoy being a part of it.”
“Thank you.” Emma Jane didn’t spare Jasper a glance as she hurried from the room.
He should have expected it, given that he’d been so hard on her. Even now, his gut churned, and he wished he could have taken back some of his words. But which ones? Did he continue walking on eggshells and avoiding what was really bothering him? He’d been completely honest about his feelings, and yet...it felt wrong.
“Marriage is harder than it looks, isn’t it?” Stephen said quietly.
Jasper didn’t look at him. “How much did you hear?”
“You were talking pretty loud.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize...”
Stephen stepped in and put a hand on Jasper’s shoulder. “Seems to me you’ve been holding a lot in. Sometimes, when it comes out, the explosion is bigger than any dynamite could create.”
The older man’s touch was warm in a way Jasper hadn’t expected. Like he could almost feel the love flowing into him.
“I just don’t know what to do. I know my words hurt Emma Jane, but I can’t keep pretending that everything is fine. How do I be honest about my feelings when it’s going to hurt hers?”
Stephen didn’t answer, but he stood there, looking at Jasper as if Jasper was supposed to know what to do. Keep bottling it up and pretending that he didn’t mind having his life stolen?
Jasper closed his eyes for a moment. “I suppose what’s done is done. No matter what I do, I’m not going to get my old life back.”
“Once a man marries, his life isn’t his own.”
Jasper opened his eyes to stare at the other man. His father had told him the same thing.
“So I just let her make all of these decisions without me?”
Stephen shrugged. “You’ll find a way to make decisions that you both can live with. It takes time, son. But that can only happen if you move on past your anger.”
“How do you move on when you feel like you can’t trust the other person? When everything you dreamed of has been taken from you?”
“Well,” Stephen said slowly. “You can keep looking back on shaky ground, expecting it to change when you can’t change the past. Or you can look forward, finding something new and stable to build on.”
“Again...how?” From Jasper’s vantage point, it seemed impossible.
“Pretend you just met her. How would you court a woman, who, for all intents and purposes, you’ve just met?”
Court Emma Jane? “You want me to court my wife? Doesn’t that end when a couple gets married?”
Stephen grinned, shaking his head. “Once a couple gets married, that’s the most important time for folks to
court. Otherwise, you run the risk of taking each other for granted and missing out on the really beautiful parts of being husband and wife.”
There had been no beautiful parts about being married to Emma Jane. And with the way he’d just talked to her, he imagined there probably weren’t any beautiful parts about being married to him.
Maybe he had set an impossible standard, asking her to trust him before they even knew each other.
Could he do as Stephen advised and court Emma Jane? Would a courtship help them find common ground?
At this point, Jasper wasn’t sure he had anything else to lose. Stuck in the hotel, with nowhere to go and nothing else to do, he could at least try.
Otherwise, he might as well resign himself to a lifetime of marital misery.
Chapter Thirteen
Emma Jane smiled as Moses cooed up at her from the bucket they were using to wash him. She was beginning to see signs of dimples in his cheeks, and now that his dark hair was clean, it laid on his head in tiny little curls.
Abigail handed her a warm towel. “Usually I wouldn’t give anyone a bath in this weather, but he seemed particularly grimy, and I wanted you to have Mother and me here for the first one in case you had questions.”
Moses fussed as she lifted him out of the water, but once she had him securely wrapped in the towel, he quieted, staring up at her with his dark eyes.
“I appreciate having your assistance. So much. I didn’t know anything about taking care of babies. How do women manage with their own?”
Abigail smiled at Olivia, and the two women exchanged the kind of loving glance that made Emma Jane wish once again that she’d had that sort of relationship with her own mother. Even her mother-in-law would never possess that level of warmth toward her.
“They have wonderful mothers who take care of them.” Abigail gave her mother a squeeze as she passed. “Speaking of mothers, I need to check on my own brood. Charles tries, bless him, but I’m sure they’re driving him crazy about now.”
Shotgun Marriage (Leadville, Co. Book 3) Page 15
