As Emma Jane dried Moses, Olivia came beside her and rested her hand on Emma Jane’s shoulder. “I know you must be thinking how hard it is, given that your mother isn’t the warmest of women.”
Emma Jane glanced up at her. She’d forgotten that Olivia had met her mother. Emma Jane’s stay here last time had ended when her parents arrived, full of fire over their daughter being “compromised” by Jasper. Her mother had not been kind.
“But don’t worry.” Olivia reached for Moses. “May I?”
Emma Jane handed her the baby, smiling as the older woman made baby noises at him.
“Becoming a grandmother changes a woman. I can’t explain it, but I am convinced that a grandchild makes a woman’s heart grow even bigger. I love my children, but my grandchildren...” She looked up at Emma Jane and smiled. “That love is so much deeper.”
Olivia planted a kiss on top of Moses’s head and handed him back to Emma Jane. “And this little one is so darling I can’t imagine not falling in love with him. You’ll see.”
“My mother went back east,” Emma Jane said, adjusting Moses in her arms. “She’s not likely to return.”
Actually, it had been a condition of Jasper’s father paying off her father’s gambling debts. The family was sent back to Charleston to live with relatives. Jasper’s father had some connections there, and her father was given a job. The Jacksons had made it clear that the Logans were not to return to Leadville or cause any scandal that would reflect back on them.
Emma Jane didn’t miss her parents much—at all, really—but she often thought about her sister, Gracie. How would Gracie do without Emma Jane to protect her? The only reason Emma Jane had chosen this life, marrying Jasper, was to protect Gracie. Would someone be willing to teach Gracie the way Olivia was her?
“Well,” Emma Jane said, looking down at the baby. “I think someone has fallen asleep. I’m going to put him down for his nap.”
Olivia touched Emma Jane’s arm as she passed. “You know, just because your mother wasn’t warm, it doesn’t mean you won’t be a good mother. You’re doing an excellent job of taking care of Moses.”
Funny, that idea had never occurred to Emma Jane. As she carried Moses to the cradle the Lewises had so thoughtfully put in her room, she realized that caring for the baby had brought out a strength in her she hadn’t realized she possessed. Defending her sister against her parents was one thing, but something about this innocent child made Emma Jane feel even more empowered.
Still, deep down she knew she shouldn’t have said all those things to Jasper. But he’d just made her so mad! She was tired of him acting like he was the victim of all the bad circumstances of his life. Didn’t he realize how lucky he was? Emma Jane had to make a life out of so much worse.
She smoothed Moses’s hair as she set him in the cradle. People shouldn’t fear their parents the way Emma Jane and Gracie had.
The only reason Emma Jane had agreed to Gracie leaving as well was that Mrs. Jackson had enrolled Gracie in a private girls’ boarding school, where Gracie could get an education and be away from their parents.
“Hello,” Jasper said, causing her to jump.
Emma Jane didn’t turn around. “If you’re here to continue our argument, I’d prefer you just leave. Moses is sleeping.”
“No. I came to apologize. I shouldn’t have taken all of my anger and hurt out on you.”
She stood and whirled around to face him. “So what’s the truth, Jasper? Do you resent me for taking away your choices, or is it something else?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed. His broad shoulders rose and fell, then he spoke. “It’s the truth. I am hurt. I imagined my life different than this. But I can either stay stuck in the past, angry that I didn’t get my way, or I can find a way to make my life good in spite of those things.”
Then his lips turned up slightly. “Like you did in the bandits’ cabin. That’s what you were trying to tell me back there, isn’t it? We didn’t have a choice in being there, but you were making the best of it.”
“Yes.”
He crossed the room to sit on the bed, then patted the spot next to him. “I don’t know how deep your role in trapping me into marriage was, but I’m choosing to forgive you. The past hurts, and we need time to heal from that. But rather than dwelling in it, I’d like to start over.”
His words tumbled around in her head. Even now, Jasper still believed that Emma Jane was complicit in her family’s plan to force a marriage between them. She’d been honest with him and told him of their plan and that she didn’t want to go through with it. Yet he still blamed her.
But he was right. There was no sense in dwelling on it. She could proclaim her innocence until the day she died, and he still wasn’t going to believe it. So what did arguing about it accomplish?
“All right,” she said, sitting beside him. “I’m willing to start over.”
Moses made a noise in his sleep, and Emma Jane looked at him briefly, reminded that this was about more than just their marriage, but a little boy relying on her for his care.
“But you have to understand that I refuse to give up Moses. I love him, and somehow you’re going to have to find a way to accept him.”
Jasper followed her gaze to the sleeping baby. “What if I can’t love him?”
Squaring her shoulders, Emma Jane lifted her chin and gave him a no-nonsense look. “You will be kind to him. I’ve lived with unkindness from a parent, and my son will not have that same existence.”
In the silence, Emma Jane could hear Jasper swallow. “I’ve never been unkind to a child.”
“I wouldn’t know that.” She looked at the ground. Had she been wrong to make the comparison between Jasper and her father? Jasper had been angry with her, but he hadn’t been cruel. And while his words hurt, he hadn’t made her feel worthless. Rather, in their argument, while they had disagreed, she realized that he’d done his best to treat her with respect.
“No. I don’t suppose you know me well enough.”
Jasper stood and held out his hand. “Ordinarily, I’d ask you to go for a ride with me in my carriage, but since the wind is still howling, I don’t suppose you’d be willing to head down with me to the kitchen to see if Olivia has any cookies.”
An olive branch. Jasper wanted to make peace, and that gave Emma Jane hope. Perhaps they could find a way to make a life together, after all.
She glanced over at Moses.
“He’s asleep. He’ll be fine.” Then Jasper paused. “If you leave the door open, you’ll hear him if he cries.”
It wasn’t a declaration that he would care for Moses as his own, but the fact that he was giving consideration to Emma Jane’s feelings for Moses, well, it was a start.
Emma Jane smiled. “Then I’d be delighted.”
She took Jasper’s hand, and they walked down to the kitchen, where Olivia was pulling a batch of cookies out of the oven.
“You knew she was baking cookies,” Emma Jane teased.
“I am motivated by many things,” Jasper said with a grin. “And freshly baked cookies are one of them. Mother was always harping on me for being in the kitchen when Cook was trying to bake.”
Emma Jane rolled her eyes. “I can imagine. And I can’t imagine that Cook was put out at all by your presence.”
“No. She even let me eat some of the unbaked cookie dough, which is my favorite.”
He grabbed a cookie from the pan. “Ouch!”
“Patience,” Olivia admonished with a smile. “Let them cool for a few minutes. I’ll leave you two alone, but please, save some of the cookies for the others. Stephen and Charles went to go check on the livestock, and they’ll be mighty disappointed if you ate them all.”
The kitchen door opened, and Molly, one of Abigail’s daughters, entered. “Grammy? Is dem cookies ready?”
>
Jasper handed her the cookie that had been cooling in his hand. “Here’s one for you, sweetheart.” He patted her light blond hair and gave her a smile.
Molly grinned, then scampered away.
“Well, I did hear you have a reputation for the ladies,” Olivia said with a grin, putting some cookies on a plate.
“What can I say? I can’t resist a pretty face.”
Jasper winked at her, but Emma Jane turned away. Why did he have to rub in the fact that she was so plain and unattractive? Especially now, dressed in a dress borrowed from Abigail that was too loose and slightly too long. Her hair had been pulled back into a serviceable braid, and she hardly looked the picture of any of the society debutantes Jasper had courted.
He reached for her hand. “Hey. I’m married to one of the prettiest faces in all of Leadville, so no need to be hurt that I’d admire someone so sweet.”
“Please don’t.” Emma Jane pulled her hand away.
“I’m just going to bring some of these cookies in to the others, so we don’t have any more cookie thieves in the kitchen,” Olivia said, excusing herself.
“Don’t what?” Jasper asked with a furrowed brow, pivoting around to face her. “I was trying to pay you a compliment.”
“I don’t want your charming lies. Flattery may work on the other girls in town, but I won’t be trifled with. I know I’m not the prettiest girl in Leadville, so why perjure yourself?”
Jasper’s face fell. “I wasn’t lying.”
Then he reached for the pan of cookies. “Do you want one?”
“No, thank you,” Emma Jane said, wishing she could take her words back and wondering why it was so hard to get along with Jasper. Even if he had been lying, he was just trying to be nice.
“Well,” he said, biting into a cookie. “We can’t talk about the past, and I can’t compliment your looks, so what would you like to talk about?”
Emma Jane shook her head in exasperation. “You mean to tell me that when you take a girl for a ride in your carriage, all you talk about is how pretty she is?”
Jasper shrugged. “And the weather, but...” He pointed to the window, where the snow still swirled. “I think that says it all.”
“So, looks and the weather. That’s all you have to say, and you’re the town’s most eligible bachelor?”
“Was.” Jasper finished the cookie. “They prattled on about the goings-on around town, but truthfully, I don’t think I paid any of it much mind. I couldn’t care less about who was having what dance, and what they planned on wearing. I’m not sure we ever talked about things that mattered.”
He grabbed another cookie. “You sure you don’t want one?”
Emma Jane shook her head. She’d seen signs of this Jasper in some of their earlier conversations. Thoughtful, charming and well...enjoyable to be around. Especially during their time in the mine, and then when they were here, recuperating and waiting out the storm.
The truth was, she liked this Jasper. And that scared her. They’d become friends, and yet, once they were married, he seemed to have forgotten all about that friendship.
“So what do you think we should talk about, then?” A dangerous question, and Emma Jane almost regretted asking it. But Jasper was right. They couldn’t keep fearing the future based on their turbulent past.
“Um...” He stared at his cookie. “What do you like to do for fun? Besides read the Bible, of course.”
“I like to knit, and sew, and do needlepoint.” Emma Jane frowned. Those were all hobbies of women who needed the results of those hobbies to keep her family clothed. How would Mrs. Jackson feel about Emma Jane continuing those passions?
“Your attempts at teaching me to knit the last time we were here didn’t work out so well.” Jasper grinned. “I was all thumbs.”
Then he looked at Emma Jane. “You know, my mother likes to do those things. She’s made a number of blankets for the church. I know she hasn’t warmed up to you, so perhaps that might be a way for you to find common ground.”
Emma Jane shook her head. “I’m not sure she’d want to find common ground with the woman who stole her precious son.”
She didn’t mean for her words to sound so harsh, especially when Jasper frowned.
“You have to understand. My mother means well. According to my father, she tried for years to have a baby. Before I was born, they had a little girl. But she died as a baby. When they finally had me, my mother was so protective. So fierce. She was just so scared of losing me, too.”
He smiled wryly. “It wasn’t until Will came into our lives that she let me do anything she didn’t think was too dangerous.”
“I remember you telling me how Will taught you about defending yourself and all the things involved with being a lawman.”
The small connection warmed Emma Jane’s heart. Somehow it made Jasper seem all the more human to her.
“Anyway, Mother likes having control more than I do. You think I’m upset at losing control of my life? I think, for her, it’s even worse.”
Then he regarded her in a way Emma Jane didn’t understand. Like he was puzzling her out.
“I know it bothers you to see the way my father and I defend her. But deep down, she’s a good person. She’s just lost so much, and being in control is the only thing that’s kept her going over the years.”
Emma Jane reached out and took his hand. “Thank you for telling me. It makes her seem more human. I was praying about my relationship with her the other day and that God would give me a way to love her. Your words are an answered prayer.”
And indeed they were. Even now, for as little time as Emma Jane had Moses, she couldn’t imagine the heartbreak of losing him. That was the hard part about Jasper’s lack of compassion for her wanting to raise the boy. He didn’t understand how deeply she already loved him.
What would it have been like for Mrs. Jackson to have lost a child?
It didn’t excuse her behavior toward Emma Jane, but she did find that knowing the depths of Mrs. Jackson’s pain gave her compassion for the other woman.
“You talk a lot about answered prayers,” Jasper said slowly. “I know the pastor talks about it, but I don’t understand. We’re just ordinary people—not pastors. We have no special connection to God. Why does He listen to you?”
Those words gave Emma Jane more compassion for Jasper. He’d made a lot of comments, here and there, that made her wonder how deep his relationship with the Lord was, and now she understood.
He didn’t have one. Jasper Jackson, pillar of society, and one of the leading members of their church, didn’t know the Lord.
“God listens to all of us,” Emma Jane said, squeezing his hand. “We don’t need anyone to speak for us. No qualifications, no special learning. He just wants us to talk to Him. To read His Word, and to seek His voice.”
“But why would He listen to me?”
“Why would He listen to me?” Emma Jane smiled gently. “That’s the wonderful thing about the Lord. He doesn’t distinguish people between social standing, ability, goodness, any of that. He loves us, each and every one of us, just as we are.”
She could tell that Jasper was struggling to process her words. How had he gone to church all these years and not realized this about the Lord? Then she thought about the other girls in church and her own family. Not all of them seemed to be living in the truth they’d been taught. And, if she was honest with herself, it was only her recent friendship with Mary that taught her that the Lord loved her just as she was. Emma Jane had always tried to be good enough to win the Lord’s approval.
“I struggled with that idea myself,” Emma Jane confessed, noting that Jasper still appeared to be befuddled by what she was saying. “I used to try my best to be good and follow all the rules, thinking that if I were good enough, I would be worthy. Bu
t Mary loved me in my darkest moment, when I was probably the least worthy of love. If a person could do that for me, how much more so could God?”
Jasper nodded slowly, but his furrowed brow and pursed lips told her that he still didn’t fully comprehend her words. It would be easy to wonder why, but instead, she focused on her gratitude that her husband was finally trying to understand.
With the Lord’s help, perhaps they could find their way.
“Well,” Emma Jane said, giving Jasper’s hand a final squeeze before going over to the cookies. “I suppose I should try one of these cookies before you eat them all.”
She gave him a soft smile, hoping he understood that she was giving him space to work out his own relationship with God. When she first began helping Pastor Lassiter with his mission to the less fortunate in Leadville, he’d cautioned her not to push too hard in encouraging others to follow Christ. If a person pushed too hard, it had the opposite effect.
“They’re good cookies,” Jasper said, reaching for another as Emma Jane sat down next to him.
Emma Jane took a bite, then gave him a sly look. “Not as good as mine.”
Jasper snatched the cookie out of her hand. “You don’t deserve it if you can’t appreciate it.”
“Hey!” She gave him a stern look and retrieved her prize. “Just because mine are better doesn’t mean I can’t eat someone else’s.”
A wide grin filled Jasper’s face, and the jovial man everyone liked, the one she wished would make an appearance more often, returned.
“I suppose. But you know this means you’re going to have to bake me some when we get home.”
She gave him a look of what she hoped to be mock horror. “And intrude on the servants’ domain?”
“I’ll distract Mother.” Jasper winked, but something in his eyes dimmed.
He looked away from her, and she followed his gaze to the snow pelting the window.
“You’re worried about getting home, aren’t you?” Emma Jane said quietly, reaching for his free hand.
He let her take it, though his fingers remained limp, not participating in the gesture.
Shotgun Marriage (Leadville, Co. Book 3) Page 16
