Dysphoria and Grace

by Christina Rozelle

  Balsikah, oh oleda

  Mida kina mensura

  So kina lo, dae binisida oh

  Nye sala de

  Nye sala de

  So kina lo hana hana

  Eve’s hands shake in mine as I finish the words.

  “Now, we state our own intentions,” I say in a low voice. “I’ll start, then you read yours, and I’ll end the ceremony.”

  “Okay.”

  “Spirits of the Dark Realm, I invoke thee,” I begin. “Help us with the desires of our hearts. May we know the power of the Great Goddess, and may we harness the forces of Light and Dark with ease. May we know peace, love, and justice. But above all . . . may we know retribution.”

  I signal to Eve. She straightens her sheet of paper, clears her throat, and begins. “Spirits of the Dark Realm, I invoke thee. Allow us to use your powers to curse the ones who’ve caused us pain. To curse them with the fire from a million suns burning inside of them. Give them all the death they deserve, and give us life. In return, I give my own blood to free you.” She takes her switchblade and pricks the end of her ring finger. I wasn’t expecting her to go that far. She brings her bleeding finger to the board, breaking one of Aislynn’s most important rules: never your own blood.

  When she touches the surface of the board, the candles go out, followed by a chill, as if all life had been sucked from the room.

  “What does that mean?” Eve asks, blood pooling on the board’s surface.

  “No clue. Something good, I hope.”

  When Eve’s parents get home, they’re drunk as shit. From the couch, we watch them stumble through the front door, carrying on as if there weren’t another soul in the world.

  “Oh hey, Ophelia!” Eve’s mom waves when she notices me.

  “Hey.” I wave back.

  “Looks like you two had fun.” Eve tosses popcorn in the air to my open mouth.

  “We had a great time,” her dad slurs. An attempt to set his keys on the bar lands them on the floor instead. He picks them up, then repeats the whole process over again.

  “Oh. My. God.” Eve hides her face behind a pillow. “I’m so embarrassed.”

  “Don’t be.” I pat her thigh and rise from the couch, following her mom to the kitchen.

  “Dammit.” Mrs. Davisson fumbles with a glass in the cabinet.

  “Need some water? Let me help.” I take the glass and run some water from the faucet into it, then hand it to her.

  “Aw, you’re a sweetheart, thank you. I didn’t realize they’d put so much secret sauce in the fruit punch.” She gulps the water down, then clanks the cup onto the countertop. “I mean, whoo! It was good, so I drank a few glasses, you know?”

  “Yes, I do. But really, you should rest. Sleep it off.”

  “You’re right about that.” She lays a hand on my shoulder and we exit the kitchen. “So what have you two been doing?” she calls across the room to her daughter.

  “Not much,” Eve says. “We’re going out for a bit soon.”

  “Okay, well you two be safe. Don’t stay out too late.”

  “We won’t, Mom.” Eve sighs.

  “Where’d your dad go?”

  Eve throws a thumb over her shoulder.

  “In here,” he calls from the end of the hall.

  “All right, you girls have fun. Be safe.”

  “We will,” Eve and I say together, then grin to each other.

  I plop down onto the couch, a little closer to Eve than before.

  “What’d you say?” she asks.

  “Not much. I helped her get a glass of water. Told her she should get some rest.”

  “That was sweet.” She leans closer and pecks me on the lips. “And highly manipulative.”

  I return the kiss, pulling her closer to me.

  “Not here,” she says. “Come on.”

  We get up from the couch and go to her room, and I close the door behind us. She guides me to her, hands exploring the way her clothes hug my body.

  “Damn,” I say. “I just realized how long I’ve wanted this.”

  “You’re just now realizing?” Her lips find mine again.

  And I’m still afraid to touch her, though I do anyway. I’m afraid to love her, though I already do. Afraid to be vulnerable, though I already am. Afraid to fall, though I did that a long time ago.

  My hands grip her hips, then travel the hourglass shape of her tiny waist, and up. “I was scared to get too close.”

  She takes one of my fingers into her mouth and sucks gently, sending warm chills up my spine. “I know. What changed?”

  “When I thought I might lose you, it dawned on me. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t ever want to be away from you, Evie.”

  A tear escapes and she catches it on my cheek with the tip of her tongue. “You won’t.”

  She guides me over to the bed and I pull her shirt up. Her beautiful, pale breasts are a little more than a handful, and her tiny nipples are so sexy I can’t help putting my mouth on them.

  I lift up her skirt and pull her thong aside, to taste what’s beneath it, and when I do, I fill my mouth with as much of it as I can.

  “You taste so good,” I tell her.

  “You feel so good,” she says.

  I always wondered what it would be like to eat a girl out, and now I know.

  It’s bliss.

  I’m not sure who’s enjoying it more, me or Eve, who spreads wider, stifling a moan. I slide two fingers inside her wetness and she pulls me to her, kissing me frantically while sliding my skirt up. She tugs me to the bed while she moves to the ground, and I melt as soon as her mouth touches me. In minutes, she has me near orgasm; I’m afraid she’s going to make me come, and I’ll be loud, and her parents will hear me. But she doesn’t stop, and I don’t want her to. If there’s a heaven, it’s Eve’s tongue inside of me, and her sweet lips on mine.

  I come in Eve’s mouth while covering my own because I want to scream it feels so fucking good. My body pulsates while it clenches against those waves that crescendo at Eve’s tongue, and she laps it up while fingering herself. She doesn’t stop until I move away.

  “Your turn, you perfect creature,” I say, and I lay her on her back. I kiss her all the way down to the thin strip of hair that leads to her priceless treasure. I tickle her clit with the tip of my tongue, and watch the ripple of pleasure roll up her silky stomach, and her sweetness and warmth make me throb again. I add a finger, then another, and another, then she’s grabbing my wrist, trying to shove my whole hand in there.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.” She moans, begs me for it.

  I wet my hand, then work it in and out, in and out, a little deeper each time, the way these chicks did on this porn flick we watched a couple of months ago. We laughed at it together at the time, a little drunk, but now I see I wasn’t alone in wanting to try out that fantasy.

  “Goddamn this is hot. You’re so sexy, Eve.” I get my whole hand inside her and make a fist, and she responds with a groan, the arch of her spine.

  Oh my God, she’s so tight, so wet, so hot . . .

  I start out slow, but she guides herself down on my fist harder, harder, so I join her, pushing back against her as she rides it. In seconds, I feel her throb around my hand, and she’s lying on her side screaming into a pillow, jolting with each orgasmic wave. She’s coming everywhere, soaking her bed, and moaning so loud, but I don’t care and neither does she, because this is the most perfect moment in time that has ever existed.

  When the waves die down, I slip my hand out of her and she trembles, clutches me close as we catch our breath. “Holy. Shit,” she says, sucking on my lower lip. “You’re amazing, and I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Evie.” I return the kiss on her delicious, full lips. “You’re the most beautiful, amazing person I’ve ever known.”

  ELEVEN

  Ten minutes after I text Stuart, we’re trotting down Eve’s front walk to his rumbling P.O.S.: one headlight, busted rear windo
w patched up with a garbage bag and duct tape, and one green door. I’m wondering if it will actually bring us home tonight. I open the door for Eve and she climbs in, giving me a nice view of her naked ass beneath her miniskirt, adorned with a dolphin tattoo that curls its tail fin around one teardrop-shaped cheek. My face flushes, and my insides spin. I want more of that as soon as possible.

  Goddamn, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this good. If I ever have.

  I slide in beside her and close the door, and Stuart throws us a peace sign. “Sup, ladies?”

  “Not much,” I say. “How’s the party?”

  “Best so far this year.” He takes the last drag off his cigarette and flicks it out through the window. “Tons of sexy ladies. Too bad I’m frying balls and I’m twelve times more awkward now than I am in real life.”

  “Yeah, but aren’t they frying balls, too?” Eve asks.

  “Well, technically ladies don’t have balls, so . . .”

  The car putters down the street, past two groups of guys on either side. Through Stuart’s trash bag window echo the sounds of shouting from one side of the street to the other.

  “That’s the stupid gang that was on the news last night, I think.” Eve slips her hand into mine. I move closer and wrap my arm around her, bringing her to my chest, then I slide my tongue along her earlobe and stroke her inner thigh. She giggles, presses against me.

  “Oh damn.” Stuart peeks at us in the rearview. “Are you two, like . . . you know . . .”

  “Yes,” Eve says with a kiss to my lips that lights a fire in me again.

  “Oh my God, that’s sofacking hot.” Stuart’s car bites the curb. “Oops. Sorry, you girls got me all distracted.” He adjusts the mirror. “So, we’re friends, right? Can I watch?”

  “What the fuck, Stuart.” I kick his seat.

  “Come on, you won’t even know I’m there. I’ll be as quiet as a mouse. Scout’s honor.” He holds up three fingers.

  “No, Stuart, you can’t watch.”

  “Not cool, Ophelia. Not. Cool.”

  A few minutes later, we turn onto a dirt road that disappears into thick trees. Stuart kills his headlight and rolls in with the yellow parking lights on, illuminating the dirt-and-gravel path enough to stay on it. The path curves around through the trees until we get to a rickety bridge, where a slew of cars are scattered.

  “We gotta walk the rest of the way there,” he says.

  “This is creepy as hell.” Eve peers through her window, squinting into the darkness. “How long will it take?”

  “About five minutes. And watch out for the shadow-animal people. They live in the trees.”

  For a second, I think he’s serious, until he winks at us before clicking off the engine.

  “Funny,” Eve says. “I’m not sure if I want to try this stuff after all.”

  “Are you saying you’ve never tripped before?” He turns to face us.

  Eve shakes her head. “Nope.”

  “Well fuck, you came on the right night, then. It’s liquid tonight, pure and clean. None of that bunk-ass paper shit drizzled in rat poison.” He digs into his pocket and takes out a tiny bottle of eye drops, holds it up between us. “This right here is grade-A liquid LSD.”

  “Well, quit teasing and dish it out,” I say.

  He unscrews the cap with a nod to Eve. “You first, m’lady.” He tilts the bottle sideways and she opens her mouth. “Doesn’t take . . . much.” A single drop glistens in the moonlight, suspended for a silent moment in time before landing on Eve’s tongue. He holds the bottle up for me and I open my mouth, welcoming the unmistakable, slightly bitter tang of liquid acid, followed by a surge of adrenaline.

  “Party time.” I kiss Eve, sensing her nervousness. “Relax, you’ll be fine. I’ve got you.” I grip her hand, give it a squeeze.

  Stuart stares, chin rested on his knuckles. “That’s the first time I’ve ever seen two chicks kiss up close. Holy fuck.”

  “Stuart, quit being a weirdo.” I dig my pack of cigarettes from my purse and take two out, handing one to Eve. She lights mine, hers, and we hide our guns beneath Stuart’s driver’s seat.

  “Don’t bother locking it,” Stuart says when we get out, pointing to the trash bag window.

  “Sorry, Stu, but even with a regular window, no one would steal this piece of shit.”

  “Hey now, watch it. This is a vintage ride, here.”

  “If by vintage, you mean junk, I agree one hundred percent.”

  “This piece of ‘junk,’ as you call it, just chauffeured your ass to the biggest candy bash this year, and you want to make fun of it?” He shakes his head. “Un. Be. Lievable.”

  “Aww, you hurt his feewlings,” Eve teases.

  “I’m sorry, Stuart. My bad.”

  He holds up a finger, stops, and we move closer. “There’s something there.” He clicks on the tiny flashlight attached to his keyring, shines it into the trees and down the wet dirt path where we came from.

  “Come on, you’re just tripping,” I say. “Let’s go.”

  After another scan of the perimeter, he clicks off the light and we head toward the bridge. As soon as we cross over it, drum and bass pulsate through the air; a siren curls her sexy finger to beckon us onward. With each step, the music grows louder, until a two-story log cabin with a tiered roof comes into view. Christmas lights are strung from the trees, along with blacklights, mini-strobes, and neon streamers spiraling over the crowd of colorful candy-ravers. Near a “NO WEAPONS ZONE” sign, a bubble machine pours phosphorescent bubbles, which twinkle in the lights.

  “I’m gonna grab a drink,” Stuart yells over the music. “You two want anything? OJ?”

  I hold up two fingers.

  “Ten-four. I’ll be back!” Then he’s squeezing through the crowd to the back side of the cabin.

  I spin Eve around to face me, and we sway to the triphop beats of DJ Asyd Rayne, the best underground DJ in our city. If I weren’t freshly attached, I’d probably just stand at the DJ booth and stare at her gorgeous tits and beautiful blonde hair that reminds me of Aislynn’s.

  And just like that, a doorway to my innermost thoughts spills a mess of things I’ve pushed back for so long. Why is it that I never admitted to myself that I liked chicks? Why have I been so afraid to be me? To let go and love without fear of judgment or abandonment?

  My first thought is Aislynn. It just occurred to me how much I loved her—and not in a sisterly way. She was beautiful, sultry, sweet, and . . . safe. Until she died and my whole world was ripped out from under me like a filthy rug. My heart was broken; I was lost, scared, and alone.

  Eve guides my chin up from my thoughts. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” I kiss her. “Just happy to finally be me. I’ve been afraid to be me for too long.”

  “I know how you feel.” She kisses me back, and I melt into her tongue in my mouth. We become one with the music, swaying and floating, swirling around the night breeze, our own melody through the trees.

  There’s a tap on my shoulder. Stuart hands us each a glass of OJ, then gulps his down. “I’ll be around. Don’t go too far.” He waves. “Text me if you need me,” he calls over his shoulder as he walks off.

  “Why orange juice?” Eve lifts her glass. “Is it spiked or something?”

  “I don’t think so. But the vitamin C makes for a better trip.”

  Eve yawns, followed by that shit-eating grin, and I know the acid’s hit her already. I’m about to follow her to that magical place. On cue, there’s the rush of warmth in the back of my throat and skull, and I yawn. Cue the grin next, and tremble, as the warmth courses through the rest of my body.

  “How do you feel?” I pull Eve close to me.

  “Like water.” She laughs.

  “Perfect. You’re exactly where you should be.”

  “So, is this it? You just feel . . . flowy?”

  “There will be a peak in an hour or two, and it’ll get really super intense with possible audio and visual
hallucinations. Your sense of touch, taste, and smell will be off, too. You won’t have an appetite for hours.”

  “How long does it last?”

  “With liquid, one hit may last three to six hours. Usually, about four.”

  “Wow . . . we’re in for a ride, then, aren’t we?”

  “Yup.” I kiss her sweet lips. “That’s why they call it a trip.”

  “I’d go anywhere with you, Phelia.”

  “Same.”

  We sway there for a while as the effects of the acid intensify. We may as well be one body, because I swear Eve’s heart beats inside of me, as if it were my own. And when she breathes, it’s my lungs the air is pulled from, bated until she exhales and feeds it back to me.

  “Let’s explore.” Her pupils are gigantic, so I know she’s tripping balls.

  I take her hand and we move through the crowd of swaying bodies, consumed by the deep, hypnotic bass and tribal beats. A few of them look up from their sweaty grooves to offer a grin, and we return it. This is our tribe; these are our people. I don’t give a damn who says a drug-induced utopia is artificial—right now, this is a perfect world, and every soul in it is our brother or sister.

  A chick with blue hair and a rainbow painted on her cheek gives us each a kiss on the lips. She places two blue pills in my palm, closes it up tight, and blows us another kiss before disappearing into the crowd.

  “What’d she give you?” Eve asks.

  “X, I think.” I touch one of the pills to my tongue and its bitterness makes me cringe. “Fuck, this tastes like some good shit.”

  “And she just gave them to you? Why?”

  “Maybe the Goddess has decided to favor us after all.” I hold one up to my mouth and one to hers.

  She grins. “We’re about to be FUBAR’d, aren’t we?”

  “Fucked up beyond all recognition, yup. Bombs away.” She opens her mouth and I drop hers in, then mine. “Chew it up.” I crunch the soft-pressed pill between my teeth and cringe again at the nastiness. “Oh gods, yes, this has to be pure MDMA.”

  Eve scrunches her face as she chews, then shakes a tremble from her body as she swallows. “That was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted.”