by Nikki Bloom
“I’ve got time and inclination, for sure.” Blushing when Carter put his hand on my thigh, butterflies fluttered in my belly, and a slick smirk stretched his lips. His dark eyes twinkled with merriment, and I shoveled a tuna roll into my mouth to avoid having to say something back.
Staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, I clapped my cheeks and took a huge breath before I just—started—screaming. My chest tightened, and I felt my lungs being crushed under the pressure.
“I’m so stupid! What the Hell is wrong with me! I’m so fucked! I’m so fucked! Benny’s gonna have my ass! Oh, my fucking God!” I clamped both my hands over my mouth as I started hyperventilating, and I leaned against the vanity to squeeze my eyes shut. “What if he outright fires me? I’m so dumb! Rhode Island is an at-will state! I was just pulling smoke out of my ass when I said I needed three write-ups! Oh, God...”
“I’m so screwed...” And then, I just ignored that I walked out of my shift and enjoyed lunch with Carter and my siblings. As if it was just another day before everything went to shit. As if I hadn’t just jeopardized the best job I’ll possibly have. “I mean, sure, I can just work somewhere else, but the pay won’t be nearly as good, and I can’t hold this apartment by myself. But I’m sure as shit not going to beg Savannah like some pathetic piece of garbage and abuse our friendship, and she’s so nice that she’d do it!”
My hands trembled wildly as I snatched my phone off the vanity to slide down the wall, and I wheezed rather than breathed. Putting the call on speaker, my thumbs began to numb as my knees knocked together jarringly. The line rang, and an enormous wave of regret swept through me before I ended the call.
“Oh, fuck— oh fuck—” What’s even going on anymore? If I lost this job at the House on the Pier because Benny was antagonizing me, I wouldn’t have any recourse. I could fight it, but then he’d be after me the entire time I worked there. “Oh, no. I’m so screwed.”
Black spots assaulted my vision, and I tensed with a yelp when my phone vibrated all the way up my arm and rattled my teeth. Shakily answering the call, I struggled to breathe under the immense weight of my mistake, and huge, dense tears leaked out of my eyes.
“Madeline, hey. What’s up?” Carter’s deep, chipper tone knocked my head back as it blasted from the phone speaker, making the atmosphere in the bathroom so much more intense and heavy. My heart leaped into my throat, and I managed a hiccupping breath as the blood rushed to my face.
“I’m freakin’ out! I’m freakin’ out! I fucked up so bad! I’m so fucked!” My voice cracked harshly, and I ran my hand through my hair to fist the strands. “I can’t believe I said that! I’m so screwed! I need this job! He’s gonna fire me, and I can’t do anything about it! What do I do? I need this job!”
“O-okay. Where are you right now? Do you want me to come get you?” Carter didn’t hesitate to offer, and I nodded with a vicious sniffle that tore through my nose, muttering a stifled “yes.” Horrible, gut-wrenching sobs threatened to drown out the sound of his voice when it softened, became almost a coo. “Where are you, baby? I’m gonna come get you. Just breathe and tell me where you are.”
Sputtering out my address somehow, I practically rocked back and forth, and my back hit the wall over and over again with loud thuds. I gulped down the dense lump in my throat, but it surged back up instantly. My stomach heaved, and my brain scrambled in my skull as Carter’s voice became a drone. His encouraging words dissolved into static, and what little was left of my mind flashed my whole life behind my shuttered, leaking lids.
I got so far—so far!—and everything I’d put up with for the past year was in jeopardy. And why? Because Ben decided to flex on me like I was some new bus boy or dishwasher!
“I’m not expendable! He can’t just throw me away! I can’t do this! I can’t do this! I can’t lose this job! I won’t just be thrown aside like trash! I’m not a McDonalds bag that you leave in your car for two months before you get tired of stepping on it!” I wanted to scream and cry and bang my fists on the floor like a child, and my voice heightened shrilly. “What am I supposed to do? What am I doing? I’m gonna just fucking fuck—”
“We’ll figure out what you can do when I get there, Madeline. Just wait a minute, yeah? Maybe I’ll have an idea you haven’t thought of.” My forehead banged against my knees, and soft cries escaped my trembling lips. “I’m driving now, so just try to stay where you are until I get there.”
“Why can’t I just get a fucking break! I just want a break! Why do I have to put myself at risk just to fucking sit down! I can’t even eat! I can’t feel my feet! Oh, my God, I can’t feel my feet!” A hard half-laugh, half-sob tore from my throat as I curled my toes against the linoleum. My face heated as I held my breath, my heart ramming against my ribs as I tried to push myself into the wall, hoping it’d swallow me.
What was happening to me? What changed between yesterday and today? I couldn’t think. I couldn’t think about thinking. My phone clattered to the floor loudly, threatening to burst my ear drums, and I covered my head with my arms.
I’m so fucked. Those three words went round and round behind my eyes, beating, hurting... I was beyond fucked. I couldn’t do more than I already was! There was only one way to go from here, and it was down.
14
Carter
Madeline’s apartment door wasn’t locked, and I let myself in only to stop short at the two tiny bodies huddling by the lip of the hallway. Sophia looked absolutely terrified, big-eyed and pale, and Michael didn’t look much better. They were both dressed for school, backpacks hanging off their drooping shoulders, and Sophia rushed over to practically throw herself at me.
“Ah...” I didn’t know the kids were still here or I would’ve brought Evan for backup, and I patted Sophia’s head awkwardly. “It’s okay. What happened?”
“Sh—she just started sc—screaming...and cr—crying.” Sophia burst into tears before getting much else out, and I winced as I raked my brain. Kneeling down, I was hesitant to really comfort Sophia, but she threw her arms around my neck and cried quietly, if not intensely.
My call with Madeline cut off, so I didn’t know how she was, and I reluctantly picked up Sophia to sit her on the sofa. But, again, my plan was derailed because the sofa hadn’t been packed up yet. Actually, the place is a little bare.
There was a tiny television in the living room on the floor across from the sofa and two end tables. The only other piece of furniture was a huge, plastic tote pushed up in the corner. Inhaling deeply to calm myself, I set Sophia down and gestured Michael over, away from the hallway. He was pale, shaking, his lower lip trembling as he struggled not to cry.
“Here, take these off. You’re not gonna go to school today.” I desperately wanted to check on Madeline, but I also knew she’d be horrified that she’d done this to her siblings. Helping both kids out of their backpacks, I stood up, glanced around, and headed for the kitchen.
Much like the living room, there was nothing but the bare essentials in the cupboards. Plenty of food, but nothing that could be classified as a treat. Pots and pans that were obviously old with unstable handles. Plates with scratches and plastic cups that didn’t match.
There weren’t even ice cube trays in the freezer, just frozen meat and bags of vegetables.
I grabbed two small, square cups from the cabinet and filled them with cold tap water, and my mind raced. Something had triggered Madeline to have a complete friggin’ breakdown, and it happened in front of her siblings. Even though we hadn’t known each other long, it was painfully obvious that she sacrificed everything for them, including her mental health.
“Here. Take a minute to calm down. I’ll be right back.” Michael took both cups, but I didn’t stick around as I rounded the sofa. I poked my head in the first door on the right, and surprise knocked the air from my lungs. Sophia’s bedroom was covered in dolphin posters and had a bed, chair, desk, tablet...though it seemed as if all her stuff was supposed to be for a larger room.
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Slowly shutting the door, I turned on my heel to push open the barrier on the left, and my chest tightened. Michael’s bedroom was cleaner than his sisters, but it still gave the vibe of being cramped. He had a seemingly expensive gaming rig that he’d probably not need to upgrade for decades, and a few gaming posters on his walls. A huge jug of change sat between his bed and desk, and I’d bet he had quite a lot of clothes as well.
It’s like she packed up all her siblings’ shit and just left her own behind...or sold it. Suddenly, I wished Evan was here to help me understand the magnitude of what I was looking at. He grew up below the poverty line and had much more intimate experiences with going without.
Dread skittered down my spine, but I clenched my jaw and walked down the hallway. The bathroom door was open just a crack, and I spied Madeline on the floor, curled up, shivering, mumbling about her job.
Her fucking job. She was having a breakdown because of her job. She was scared to lose her job because she needed it.
...What an insane concept... to be so worried about money that she couldn’t cope under the stress.
“Hey-y, baby.” Crouching down, I pursed my lips thinly when Madeline started sobbing uncontrollably. My palm tingled as I reached to stroke her hair back, but compared to just yesterday, the red was bland and listless. “It’s gonna be okay. Go to sleep, baby. I’ll handle the rest.”
“I c-can’t. I h-have to w-work. I h-have to g-go...” My heart throbbed painfully, and Madeline clutched at her chest as she wheezed loudly. Gradually, over the course of the longest minute of my life, her eyes rolled back, and her wheezing became hiccups. When I picked her up, she was still shaking, her heart still racing, and an almost physical pain spiked in my chest. Still in her pajamas, she was soaked in a cold sweat.
“I-is she okay?” My head snapped up as I entered the living room, and Michael’s question made Sophia jump up like a terrified bunny. Water spilled all over the floor, and she instantly dropped and grabbed the closest thing, crying and apologizing over and over again. Her backpack didn’t make a good rag, though, and she sat back on her butt to cry even harder.
I laid Madeline on her makeshift bed, which was an uncomfortable, thin mattress on springs, essentially. Covering her up, I covered my mouth to hide my frown as I mulled over what to do next.
“What do you say you and me go on a walk, huh?” Intense discomfort slithered through my veins like sludge, but I couldn’t just leave these two kids here. And I didn’t want to take them somewhere else either. Michael nodded mutely, helping his little sister up, and I cast one regretful glance at Madeline before walking to the front door.
“I know it must be scary, but it’s not your fault, you know?” The fuck was I supposed to say as we left? For a brief second, Michael shot me the most ‘duh’ look a preteen could possibly muster before shoving his key into the lock and twisting.
“No offense, Carter, but please...don’t. Just because it’s not our fault doesn’t mean we don’t feel like it is.” Is this kid seriously 12? Given the recent happenings though, maybe it was wrong to treat him like the kid he was. Michael frowned deeply, a sad frown that jutted out his wobbling chin, and shook his head. “Sorry.”
“No, totally. My bad. Is there anyone I can call for you?” Michael shook his head, but I pulled out my phone to text Evan as we walked towards the stairwell. “I’m just gonna text my best friend and let him know what happened and that I can’t work today.”
“As long as you don’t call CPS.” I paused mid-step at that, twisted as Michael scowled darkly—too darkly, for a 12-year-old little boy. “It was bad enough the first time.”
“I wasn’t going to...” I took a huge, stabilizing breath, holding open the door to the stairwell, and Sophia grabbed my hand tightly. Her palm was cold and wet, and I had to resist wiping my hand on my jeans as the hairs on my arm bristled. Balancing my phone in my other hand, I shot Evan a quick text before speaking up again. “You had a bad experience with them before?”
“When our parents disappeared, yeah. Madeline got custody of us. They were assholes.” The short, curt answer sharpened the regret and shame that clawed at the back of my throat. Deciding just to keep my mouth shut, I helped Sophia down the concrete stairs as her brother fell into a stony silence.
“You two want some breakfast?” I’ll get Evan to meet up with us. Michael likes him more than me. Given that we’d roughly spent the same amount of time with each other—less than an hour—at least...I thought Michael liked Evan more. “Food always makes things better, and I get the feeling you don’t eat out much.”
“We don’t.” Sophia lifted my hand to wipe her snotty, tear-stained face on my sleeve, and I clenched my jaw hard as my skin crawled. Gazing up at me with huge, hazel eyes, she sniffed hard and hiccupped a little. Instantly, I felt bad, and my chest tightened as I squeezed her hand gingerly.
“It’s not gonna make it go away, but it’ll make you feel a bit better. Did you eat anything yet?” Shaking her head, Sophia used my sleeve as a tissue again before we emerged onto the sidewalk. I’m dumb. It’s just a shirt.
But if I was being honest, I didn’t spend time with children—especially emotionally unstable children. I didn’t know what it was like to feel this way as an adult, let alone nine or 12, and I surely didn’t know Madeline’s situation enough to comment on it. Man, I fucked up. I didn’t even think about Sophia or Michael still being home, and now I’m gonna be stuck with them until Madeline calls me. What do I say, if anything?
15
Carter
“I guess this was a good place.” Evan wasn’t here yet, and I glanced around the novelty waffle shack that sat on the beach. It was so early in the morning that nothing else was really open, but the other breakfast places didn’t look or smell as good. Already, people were hitting the beach, but I turned my gaze back to the two kids as they stuffed their faces unabashed with syrupy, buttery, whipped-creamy goodness.
Neither spoke a word, just ate and ate like it’d fill the dread that pitted their stomachs. Awkwardness gripped my body in a vice and intensified because I hadn’t bought myself anything. I couldn’t eat after the whirlwind drama of the morning. Every time I blinked, I saw Madeline curled on the floor, crying, whispering furiously to herself. Guilt sloshed up my throat, and I gulped it down before my rental car came swinging into the long, lean parking lot just before the sands. Relief slumped my shoulders, and I tapped the top of the picnic table as the world seemed to spin a little slower.
“Hey. What’s up, kiddos?” Michael jumped, making a sound like a scared sheep, and I winced as Evan smiled friendly. The kid’s face tinged red, and he finally stopped chewing to swallow his sticky mouthful. “That looks awesome. I’m gonna go get one. You got any recommendations?”
“Yeah. I’ll come with you.” Watching Michael climb sluggishly out of his seat, I wondered if these kids were just too trusting, or did they simply not care in this moment? At the back of my head, I could almost hear Madeline telling them not to trust strangers, and my lips thinned in a tight, hollow smile.
“Madeline is gonna be mad. We’re not supposed to go out with strangers.” Echoing my thoughts through the thick goop of an emotionally satisfying waffle, Sophia cast her rich eyes on me as she frowned. “You’re a good guy. She likes you.”
“I like her, too. What about you though, Sophia? How do you feel?” Instant tears, again, welled in her eyes, but she only shoveled her waffle into her mouth and jerked her head in a nod. They were coned, in wrappers, but huge globs of butter and syrup and tears streamed down her arms, inching closer and closer to her school shirt quarter sleeves. She hadn’t stopped shaking, but she managed not to bawl her eyes out. I didn’t really know if that was a good thing though.
“I don’t wanna be like her.” My heart leaped into my throat at her raw whisper, and Sophia’s whole face crumbled for a second. Her tenacity not to dissolve into a puddle was admirable, and she pulled up her shirt and ducked her head to wipe her face
. Despite the napkins on the table. Which, arguably, were not enough. “All she does is work, and I know it’s ‘cause she has to, but I miss when Madds was my sister. She used to get mad at me... I wish she’d get mad at me again.”
“Yeah. What do you wanna be when you grow up?”
“I wanna design clothes.” Her answer was immediate, even strong around her huge mouthful, and a spark lit up Sophia’s eyes for a brief moment. “I love clothes. It’s so stupid. My dad always said, ‘work to play’...but look how that turned out for Madds.”
“Ah, I saw. Do you wanna know something? I love art, but I’m not an artist like the ones you see that sell paintings and stuff. You always have the chance to turn your love of clothes into something besides making them. What are your favorite kinds of clothes?” She sniffled softly, and some of the tension unknotted from my shoulder blades. “Let me guess... I got nothin’.”
Sophia blubbered a giggle, and satisfaction melted the huge iceberg in my chest. Out of the corner of my eye, Michael and Evan were deep in conversation as they waited in line, but I couldn’t wonder what they were talking about when Sophia spoke up. Her voice was a little more stable, a little less raw, and I felt miles more confident talking to just her rather than both of them.
“I like dresses. Sometimes, we used to go to Providence, and I always made my mom stop at the wedding dress store because they’re just so beautiful. And all the girls there would let me try on the flower girl dresses, and they were always so nice.” Sadness creased between her brows, and she shook her head. “Things used to be better. Then that doctor we went to told Madds that she couldn’t handle us and to give us up, and... she doesn’t know we heard them fighting in the office.”
