Phoenix

by Crouch, Janie

  Why was he acting like such an asshole? There were a dozen other ways he could talk to her that would get her to let him help her.

  He could joke with her. He could explain that this wasn’t about her abilities, but about his own fear.

  He could explain that he was reeling because something was hurting her, and he couldn’t protect her. Couldn’t share in the pain.

  He could scream up at the sky and rage at the unfairness of it all that his Wildfire would be struck by something that had stripped her of her fearlessness.

  He needed a goddamn minute to take all this in and figure out how to breathe again.

  But instead he was just being an asshole.

  “No, Riley,” she said quietly. “I’m not going to let you help me.”

  She turned away from him, to the bridge, and hooked in the safety line herself.

  He was about to reach for her again when she struggled with her balance on the first step, but a hard hand fell on his shoulder.

  “You need to let her cross this bridge herself,” Wyatt said in a low voice. “The literal one and the figurative one. If you want any chance with her at all, you’ve got to let her know you believe that she can do this herself.”

  “But what if she falls?”

  “Then she falls,” Zac said over his other shoulder. “Right now, you’ll have to let that safety line catch her. Because if you try to swoop in and do it, it’s going to cause more damage in the long run.”

  “I want to help her.”

  He wanted to do so much more than help her. He wanted to carry this for her, make it so she didn’t have to go through it at all. He would take it all on himself if he could.

  “Sometimes the only thing we can do is stand next to them as they fight their own battles.” Zac squeezed his shoulder. “I had to learn that with Annie. Nearly fucking killed me.”

  “I don’t know if I can do it.” He watched Wildfire take another tentative step across the bridge. “She needs me.”

  “She does need you. But right now, she needs to learn how to trust herself. She has to find her new normal. Annie had to do that after what happened to her when she was attacked. I couldn’t do it for her.”

  Riley’s fists clenched at his side. He’d never felt so helpless in his entire life. “I—I…” He stopped. He wasn’t sure what he was trying to say anyway.

  “Believe me,” Zac said. “Watching Annie in that hospital was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I couldn’t take on the pain or fear for her. All I could do was be there once she was ready to be helped.”

  “Everybody knows you guys are good together,” Wyatt said. “You’re meant to be together so much that you even have the same name. It’s all going to work out.”

  A year ago, Riley would have agreed without hesitation. Hell, even a month ago.

  Wildfire finally finished crossing the bridge. It had taken her well over double the time it would’ve normally taken her, even with her dislike of heights. But she had made it. She unhooked her safety line.

  She didn’t turn to smile at him. Didn’t pump her fists in the air or even flip him off. She just kept walking without turning back.

  Yeah, today Riley wasn’t sure it was all going to work out at all.

  Chapter 22

  “Mind if I sit down?”

  At Anne’s soft words, Riley looked up from where he’d been sitting with his head in his hands at the picnic table on the edge of camp two.

  It had been a long fucking evening that had turned into a sleepless fucking night.

  “Sure, although I hate to even ask what you’re doing awake at this ungodly hour.” He slid over to make room for her on the wooden table.

  “Zac couldn’t sleep with you pacing out here. He’s worried about you. He was going to come out and talk to you, but I volunteered instead.”

  “Because he needs his sleep to manage the race?”

  Riley could just make out her soft smile in the moonlight. “My husband-to-be can go multiple days without sleep and still function at amazing cognitive and physical capacity. That, I’m sure, was part of his Special Forces training. I plan to put it to good use once we start having babies. He can get up for the three a.m. feedings since he’s already wired to withstand that sort of torture anyway.”

  Riley chuckled. “Smart thinking. I’m surprised you didn’t let him come handle this three a.m. feeding.” He pointed his thumb at his chest.

  “He would’ve done it, because he cares about you. You may not be from Oak Creek, but he considers you one of the family now. I would’ve let you both sit out here and grunt it out like manly men do, but I figured I might actually be able to help you a little more. Answer some medical questions about MS.”

  “I’ve spent the past two hours cursing the fact that I don’t run with any sort of music. If I did, maybe I would’ve decided that having my phone with me was worth the extra eight ounces in my pack. Then I could’ve looked up as much as possible about MS.”

  She shrugged. “Online information about medical conditions isn’t always reliable. Plus, if you had brought your phone, it’d be at the bottom of that ravine with the rest of your pack. Not to mention there’s not much of a signal out here.”

  “True on all counts.”

  The lost pack was part of the reason he was out here right now. All he had left was the emergency blanket and half of one of the meal bars Wildfire had left him in the hunting shelter. Sleeping under those conditions wouldn’t have been pretty, but it wasn’t lack of comfort that had been keeping him awake.

  “I have so many questions I don’t even know where to start.”

  “I am one of Riley’s doctors, so I can’t talk about her specifically, but I can tell you about MS in general.”

  “Is she going to die from it? I asked her that. She said no, but now I’m wondering if she lied about that.”

  “No, MS is not a terminal illness.”

  “Okay. Good. Okay.” That was still the most important thing.

  “MS is tricky because it’s different for every patient. I couldn’t tell you about Riley’s particulars even if I was willing to. Most people have what’s called relapsing-remitting MS. Basically symptoms will come and go. Some might get worse and become permanent.”

  “What sort of symptoms?”

  “Lack of coordination. Dizziness. Fatigue. Muscle spasms. Maybe even sexual response issues.”

  He wrapped his hands around his head as if it might keep the information out. He couldn’t stand the thought of his Wildfire going through any of this.

  “She’s afraid, Riley. I say this because of what I’ve observed as her friend, not as her doctor. She’s afraid about the changes in her own health and the lack of control she has over it all.”

  “Is there anything that can be done?”

  “There are some things she can control and regulate—diet, exercise, managing stress—that will help keep the relapses far apart.”

  “Okay, good.” He looked at Anne. “I want to help. I tried to tell her that. I don’t mean to be obnoxious, but I have money. I can help get her whatever she needs—medicine, therapy, whatever. I don’t understand why she’s cutting me out of her life.”

  Anne studied him in the darkness for a long moment. “Do you know when I first heard of you?”

  He shrugged. “No.”

  “It was when Riley came running into the hospital one day announcing you were about to jump off into that quarry just outside of town. Pike’s Peak.”

  “Yeah, I remember that.”

  It’d been for an online stunt. He’d gotten more than a million views, and that video had been what had caught the attention of the Adventure Channel.

  “Half the town went out there, Phoenix.”

  “Yeah, everybody loves the chance to see if the idiot kills himself.”

  She chuckled. “Maybe that was part of it. But the other part of it was that it was you. You’re larger than life, not only around here, but all over the world. You’re Phoeni
x. You fly and you jump and you make people gasp and shake their heads in wonder.”

  “That’s not who I am, that’s just what I do.”

  “She doesn’t want to hold you back. You’ve got a lot more ahead of you, and she’s afraid that being involved with someone with MS will clip your wings.”

  “But—”

  Anne held out a hand to stop him. “Make no mistake about it, Riley’s life has changed forever. Her MS is something that will afflict her for the rest of her life. How bad it will get or how quickly, none of us know. But it changes everything for her.”

  “And if we’re together, it will change everything for me too, is that what you’re saying?”

  Anne stood up. “I know you don’t want to be the jerk who turns his back on a great woman when something bad happens. But the fact is, you and Riley aren’t married. Aren’t even engaged.”

  “I love her.”

  “You need to take some time. Finish the race and then give yourself a chance to really think about all this. Girl Riley is still reeling from the news, but she’s had a couple of weeks to begin processing it all. You need that too.”

  She patted him on the knee and gave him a smile. “Your Wildfire loves you, Phoenix. She just knows you well enough to know that the first words out of your mouth would be exactly what they were: that you would help, that you would stay, that you would take on this problem as your own.”

  “Because it’s true.” Time wasn’t going to change that.

  “But she also loves you enough that she believes the best thing for both of you is to break up. That your lifestyle—and I get it, it’s not who you are, it’s what you do, but it’s still what you do—is not conducive to being permanently attached to someone with MS.”

  “But—”

  “Before you say anything else, consider this. She’s not just looking out for you when she says that maybe you guys shouldn’t be together. She’s looking out for herself too. It’s important that she do that.”

  That shut him up. He thought back to what Zac had said the other day when they were looking for the missing puzzle box. That he might be hurting Wildfire without even realizing it.

  “I’m not sure what to do.”

  Anne gave him a crooked grin. “Win the race. I know that’s important to you.” Her voice dropped to the softest whisper. “And none of us want to see Bo win. What a dick. Let me know if you have any more questions.”

  “About BoGo being a dick? I think we’re all clear on that point.”

  She smiled and squeezed his hand before walking away. The sun was starting to creep its way over the horizon. He needed to leave before Wildfire came out. He wasn’t sure what to say and didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable around him. Plus, he didn’t have any coffee anyway.

  Soon the other participants would be up and awake and excited. It was the last day of the race. Everyone had gotten a break yesterday because of the storm, and now they were ready to go.

  Maybe Anne was right. He should concentrate on the race. Give his mind something else to focus on besides what was happening with Wildfire.

  Running the race, winning the race, wouldn’t change anything about the situation. But it was sure as hell better than sitting here doing nothing and still not changing anything about the situation.

  His life was spiraling out of control, but this race, or at least his performance in it, was something he could control.

  One last day to push. One last day to win.

  It had to make something better.

  Because it couldn’t get any worse.

  Chapter 23

  The excitement at the start of the last day of the race was damn near tangible.

  Riley and Anne had already done their parts, checking everyone out, making sure they were fit for this final grueling day.

  Or mostly Anne had done it yesterday evening while Riley had recuperated in the RV.

  “I’m really sorry I didn’t do more—”

  “Seriously, if you apologize one more time for needing to take a break yesterday, you’re not going to have to worry about MS affecting your life because I’m going to kill you.” Anne flashed her an angelic smile.

  “I know, but…”

  “There is no but, isn’t that what you say?”

  Riley laughed. “There is no try. Close enough.”

  “Plus, you rallied after a couple hours of rest and helped. And honestly, I’m just glad it wasn’t a full-on MS exacerbation.”

  “Me too.”

  “Not everything bad that happens to you health-wise is going to be part of your MS. You’re still occasionally going to get the flu, or a cold, or just have a shitty day that gives you a headache.”

  Riley took a sip of her coffee.

  Boy Riley had gone without coffee this morning. Another competitor had given him an extra MRE that they’d carried, one of the competitors who’d been doing this race more as a bucket list event than as an actual timed competition. Phoenix had taken it, gratefully, since sharing was allowed between athletes.

  Riley herself had avoided him. There was nothing more to say, not now in the middle of the race.

  Maybe not ever.

  He’d kept his distance this morning too. Hadn’t smiled or winked at her. Hadn’t cracked a joke in her direction or shown up with any new booboos.

  Hadn’t shared the sunrise with her.

  He was focused on the race and what he needed to do to win. She’d heard the other competitors buzzing about it before they’d left at a sprint about thirty minutes ago.

  Good. Let him focus on the race. It was much better than that look of concern he’d given her as she started to cross the bridge yesterday. Like she was an invalid. That look had been what she was most afraid of, had been the very reason she hadn’t wanted to tell anyone at all about her MS, especially Boy Riley.

  She was glad he was focusing on the race and not her. Glad he had barely even looked in her direction. Glad he was doing exactly what she’d told him to do: move on.

  And if it hurt her heart a little bit that he was doing it all so quickly, then she needed to shut the hell up. Because she’d told him to do it. Specifically, she’d told him to set this behind him and go win the race.

  Winning was what Phoenix did.

  “I never did find any sign of a bite or sting on Phoenix. He should’ve felt something, or I should’ve found some sort of inflammation. Honestly, based on what you told me, the whole thing presented itself more like an allergic reaction than a toxin.”

  “Well, the only thing he’s allergic to is penicillin. I don’t think that was happening here.”

  “Whatever it was that bit him, he needs to be aware of it for future hikes and races in this area. Something that life-threatening when he didn’t feel a bite or sting? That’s scary.”

  He’d looked ready this morning. Strong. Last night he might’ve been at a disadvantage from not having a backpack with supplies, but today it would work in his favor. Everyone else would be encumbered by their packs, but not him. He still had forty-five minutes he had to make up in order to take over the lead from Bo, but in a day with this many miles and both a sharpshooting and surprise horseback riding event, he had every chance of doing it.

  Riley let out a sigh.

  “You doing okay?” Anne asked.

  “Yeah. Amazing what some sleep and a full meal can do. I’m going to finish packing up everything in the RV.” She took her last sip of coffee. “Everything has been so crazy, I haven’t even gotten the files put away from day three. I was in there talking to Amber and everything’s been crazy since then.”

  Anne raised an eyebrow. “That can wait till the race is done. Don’t you want to be there to see who wins?”

  “No.” She turned toward the RV. “I don’t need to be there to see Riley win.”

  Although she had no doubt it was going to happen.

  She walked silently back to the RV. Besides updating the files, there really wasn’t much to do. She and Anne both
preferred a neat and orderly workspace, so they had kept things straightened while they went.

  She did an inventory first.

  Remarkably, almost everything was accounted for in the log. They weren’t too fastidious about every little thing—in a race like this, the number of bandages the medical crew went through was in the hundreds—but things like splints or prescription painkillers were monitored.

  Ironically, the only thing missing was a vial of penicillin. Maybe Riley had decided to poison himself with it.

  More likely, Anne had used it for a possible infection and had forgotten to log it in. Riley jotted down a sticky note to ask the doc about it.

  She got out the files to write down the details of the injuries they’d seen this morning and placed those in the done box. Then she straightened the bandages before going to get a second cup of coffee.

  None of it was taking her mind off Riley.

  Finally, she moved back to the desk where Riley’s and Baby’s files still sat. She picked up Baby’s and finished writing in the details about the minimal injuries he’d received during the rappelling accident. She picked up Riley’s file to do the same.

  The papers contained his multiple-injury list. One did not become an extreme sport athlete without breaking some bones and needing a few hundred stitches.

  But it had never stopped him. She finished writing about both the bruising to his chest and shoulders from the rappelling accident and the anaphylaxis. She turned the next page to find his allergy reports so she could list Anne’s concerns about whatever had bit or stung him.

  The paper wasn’t there.

  She went through the entire file again but didn’t see it.

  “What the hell?”

  She knew for a fact it had been there at the start of the race and it had been there when she’d pulled the file to first write up the rappelling accident.

  Anne wouldn’t have taken it out. She was notorious for hating paperwork, and the two of them had agreed Riley would handle it.

  She unclipped the fasteners at the top of the file, pulling all the papers out.

  A tiny section of ripped paper fell onto her lap. The piece that had remained when someone had ripped out Riley’s allergy section.