I do all I can, but nothing works in my favor so all I seem to do successful is cry.
I'm lonely, bitter, hurt and I just don't know why.
I try to cover up the pain cause the truth keeps me blind; but when reality hits it's life pain just stops with time.
I will walk away with a smile when the sun finally shine; Then say to myself," I knew I was going to be just fine…….
My mind often wanders and think about all the what if's in life; My mind would slice and cut deep with the reality knife.
We
WILL I EVER GET THIS LIFE THING RIGHT?
Bumping my head over and over at 30. I started doing the oddest, strangest things in my life. I started popping pills day in and day out, no sleep… Hanging with my favorite cousin Jackie R.I.P. these were some of my best yet worst years I had in my life. Me and Jackie and my grandma I talked about earlier Lizzie … we the birthday twins. Anyways, me and my nieces, nephews, and cousins….. And friends, we was the crew when we walked in the club or the parking lot. We use to parking lot pimp, that's when you go chill in the parking lot drink, smoke and listen to the music…. it was across the street from the club we went to and sometimes we'll just chill in the parking lot and drink, smoke, pop pills (ecstasy pills) me, Tasha, JC, Dee, Shawn, Jackie, Mo, T.W, Q, Mall C, Pooh, Que, Joe ( R.I.P.) Cole, Tiffany, Pizzle was sometimes with us but she was on house arrest, not literally but she was with her bd. GF was doing her, I may be missing some (but sorry) Now when I say this was the most messiest click…We were always doing way too much, but it was all family hanging out. It was just some of my family loved fighting. (so that was that)!
We went out 7 days a week, we never slept, and fought EVERYWHERE we went. Actually, I never fought, but my crew was off the chain when it came to fighting, starting shit, whatever they were with the shit. We got put out everywhere we went. But that's why I named this the best worst times because I was too grown to be with half of them, then half were my nieces and nephews. But like I said it was a big crowd of family… We always hang as family we really didn't hang with outsiders, anybody that was with us that wasn't family were close nit for years with family, so they were considered as family. But I was very happy and me and that crowed went through some wild things together, this crowd caused problems all in malls… go in deep take things and leave. And I don't steal I just was with the crowd. I dressed like I was their age, my niece moe or Jackie looked out for me and moe dressed me. Like if I could turn back the hands of time, well never mind. I miss you Jackie.
But good times can't last forever because my baby daddy came home and wasn’t going for how I was living, when I say I was burnt the out yes, I was…. Not sleeping for days and the sleep I did get was for two hours tops, mostly in the day. Then it was from the Suites, Arizona Charlie's my TT Betty to parking lot. We used to be everywhere! But like I say good things always end sooner than we'd like… My sister left town and my niece Mo went and left the crew. My baby daddy shut me down and the fun was over, I was ok though I had my share of fun for every moment I lost of my young years spitting out babies. And I think I enjoyed those years way better than my years I would have If I wouldn't have been having children. If I would have waited to have children, I may not have the one's or the amount, so I thank GOD for every step I made having my children at an early age.
I also can teach my children at a sensible rate, relating wise. I feel I can relate better seeing I'm not old and rusted on the skills. I needed a change of scenery because me and the baby daddy #2 had a falling out, I wanted a change of scenery so off I went again. So, I was in Louisiana with my cousins Drea and Quay, Sharon's daughters and my niece Mo….I went ballistic out there. I just wanted to get my groove back. And I got it back so good that I hooked up with a longtime crush Gee, and it was cool for a while… I moved to Vicksburg MS. In his house with him. Not really a good idea if you ain’t got your shit together.
THEN… I ran Into Louis. Never in a million years have I ever loved in-laws, But that's a whole family of in-laws I love, we ain't together but I love them still today… They treated me wonderful, from Aunts and Uncles and all Daddy Grandmothers.
They were in-laws you could actually be around…. Of course, they did they shit but I never knew about it so that's out if it happened. But I had some wild times in dat boot. I can guarantee I stamped my stamp cause I had a time like no other. Once again, I set it off as a grown Adult hanging with youngsters, even though it was family. But I got my shit together. Left again then , for some odd reason I use to think I had stockers I don't know if it was because he use to turn all the lights off and pretend to be at work graveyard but hiding in closets and shit like that; IDK I will let you judge that kidnapper dragging me down streets forcing me to go because I left, I mean, I don’t know anyways, I was outta there! And then when you think you can't do worse you sink into the deepest pit and drift into total darkness, I mean the kind you can't even tell your own soul. I mean total darkness until you just feel worthless and going but it's not you anymore. Something else is controlling you. You are not yourself anymore.” All I felt was.
GOD, PLEASE TAKE ME! WHY AM I HERE . WHATEVER DID I DO TO RECEIVE THIS TYPE OF PUNISHMENT? WHY ME? THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME. LOOK INTO THE MIRROR, WHO’S LOOKING BACK AT ME, IF I DON’T LIKE IT, CHANGE WHAT I SEE!
Never question GOD because he answer your questions honest and direct. And then you see the answer and it's been there the whole time. You can't cover the inner you with makeup, surgeries, sex, only the outside; but no matter what you do…. You still will be you at the end of the day because it's always your choice to make that decision, be stronger than that inner evil and that little devil that sits on your shoulder; but we use him daily... looking out the corner of our eyes like we're hiding and then sat him back on the shelf. Then when we in too deep and shit hit the fan because we want the ways of the world; but only until shit get real. We sat the good little ANGEL on the far corner thinking we hiding, blocking him out and only pull him out in sticky situations. But that's life, right? Well, no! That's ways of the world, the ways of the people of the world… A terminology people made up to cover their ways of the world to make themselves feel better. For instance, shit hits the fan , and you have no air freshener… you can only hold your breath for so long and eventually you smell that…. that's life and you smelt some shit because it slips out sometimes bypassing shit, which is shitty gas but you sometimes can't hold it, good time to use the terminology when you just couldn’t help it … real life couldn't type of situations.
But because you been crushing a person you know is way off limits, and you see your opportunity one night you out clubbing alone on just an odd night… spur of the moment not call your girls type of night. And there they go and there you'll go because you'll both knowing the feeling been mutual… well that's not a that's life moment, that's a shame, I done messed up moment and to feel better you use well that's life. Like some of the things I call mistakes could have been avoided by making wiser choices, taking my time. So that's that and moving on.
No need dwelling on the past , we talked about that. It's over. So, throughout my life I've been into church… I grew up going since a small girl; Despite the drama in our lives as everybody have and go through our family was regulars in church. I believe in GOD I mean despite all the different beliefs everybody has, they had to get it from somewhere just like me with my beliefs… It was taught; But you just can't help to question sometimes. I mean they got it so twisted now that all you do today is question if you should even question anything cause what's the use? But there's always reason even when your only paving a smoother road for the next. Just like a relationship, you learn everyday how you should treat people. What will hurt you? You think before you react and sometimes it's the wrong choice, sometimes it’s right!
But we learn from it each day… That's choice. When you think about what may happen and who will it affect and how? That's life! Some things are lessons while some are
blessings all the way until they sometimes end up as both. At the same time, you can't just stop because you ran into obstacles in life, obstacles only teaches you how to play the game. Sadly, some get in the game and get caught up and can't finish as a looser and decides to quit, When the only way out the game is finished win or lose but try with all you have and more. But when you decide it's too hard and you give up and delete yourself out of the game. You don't get another chance…. Your finish forever.
Luckily, GOD decided to give me another shot at this life/motherhood and this time I will do this the right way for my grandbabies cause they need a fair chance at life. Sometimes a fair chance ain't just making sure they have the latest shoes or clothes…. It's assuring they get love pure love, solid love foundation, and teaching your children the ways of GOD and not of the world. Teach them survival mode from the world to survive in the streets. Assure that you're providing a stable environment and surroundings and take out the bad soil from beneath their feet and providing good soil. What I love most about my mother is that she was straight forward and never sugar coated nothing; With her it was what it was, and you knew exactly what you were expecting. We never had what others had but we had the most precious gift any mother could share, and it was GOD'S LOVE and pure, true mother's love…. She taught us honesty, and never expect the unexpected but cherish what you have.
We were given the real necessities in life that were truly needed and no we never had the worldly things ( the finer things) in life we had solidarity and we were honest. And it grew on us as adults and we raised our children with the same dignities, but of course we all go our own ways once were able to make our own decisions. But we all know right from wrong but yet to keep up with the world you fit into it the best way you can and survive with what we have…. Even though we had certain opportunities we didn't have them all, so you work with what you have and yet we never stole or sold drugs or tried getting over on anyone else to take what we didn't earn… yet our young generation got caught up with this ugly world. In my life I've had opportunities that I walked away from because I never saw myself getting any further than where I am.
But at the same time I know the truth is I'm not applying myself at all and I never have. I've never tried cause I was afraid to succeed, afraid to be someone cause I don't like attention. I write poetry, and music…… and sometimes my mind moves faster than my hands and it gets away from me sometimes; I sort of draw and paint, but I'm not inspired enough, I don't believe in my own self-worth…. It's like we need others in order to make the decision and if it's ok through them then it's right, it's a go. It's like mind control…… one person disagrees and starts manipulating someone else until now you have an army of people trying to start a gang. And wanna be the big kahuna to have a name…. It's like everyone needs a leader; But who's in control for real? Are you really in your own control? Can you really have anything you want if you put your mind to it? Have you ever saw it happen in life? When was the last time you asked yourself who's in control of your choices? Mistakes? Success? And I mean I know everyone have dreams that they imagine have a certain something or someone, and all in all you’re a good person but you just can’t get the shit right for nothing… no matter what you do or how hard, a successful life just keep slipping through your fingers. I have felt that feeling. And I found myself saying fuck it I'll do this fuck it life until it leaves, maybe I'm not worth having happiness…… maybe happiness is not for me maybe this life I live was my destiny and my only purpose.
I have always lived a fantasy life, I mean, I was in a place one time where I really thought life was over/ I was face to face with evil, I ran for my life this night butthole naked; I left my babies but it was chasing only me I got away with my life and soul still that night, and I only have GOD & the strength he gave my oldest to get me outta there alive because I really don't know what would have happened if it would have went different; Like what if my oldest wouldn't have been there to get him off of me? What if it would have turned out differently? Most people wouldn't be able to write these words because they couldn't make this cut of life. What I've survived through in my life, like being molested through your childhood and being muted/ silenced and your truth being taken from you, Nobody ever told me to be silent, It was me afraid of the outcome of speaking.
I was already troubled with life as a child from my memory… I always felt alone and different…. And with all the close encounters I've experienced throughout my life almost losing my life by the hands of carelessness cause from being so trustworthy, being taken off by cowards and held at gunpoint and being taken advantage of by total strangers because they couldn't face the true facts that they were cowards and instead of revenge... they make the cowardly act of raping me. But! I'm still here for my babies. All these acts I took on as a character I created, and I feel my character is showing me how truly strong I really am because like I said; I'm still here. I have a purpose in life, and it took me 11 years to finally open my eyes and know this fairytale need a happy ending. I have been hiding behind lies ,deceptions and trials just to be happy. I built this little city to live in where I think I have control just so I can smile though some days and living for only one purpose, and that's to keep everyone I'm around happy so they wouldn't notice how sad I am and how really miserable I was….
I would play out my fairytale in my head and when things go wrong I'd just alter the story to fit accordingly, then I would put one of the world quotes in my head and just say "Oh well it's life, I'm not the only one going through bullshit, others may be worse off than me". I go through life waking up each day hoping something good happens in this story and it's real, not just another way to use me to get there rewards for their deeds in life. So many knights but none had on shiny armor, I let my hair down for a couple of knights, but they just cut it and told me I was showing out by lending my hair… I lend my shoe to a few for comfort but they only tried to take over and caused me to get evicted…… Now I'm in the woods just to get away from all the soul suckers, I want a happy ending and I needed to find it for myself; cause it don't seem my happy ending will end with a knight in shining riding in to rescue me and ride off on his horse to a happy ending.
I tell myself daily… “You deserve that happiness; It will happen!” I just want to get away from all the craziness in this world with my family by my side. Well not literally by my side! I mean happy endings with my family happy… and me get away from it all.
A getaway for a piece of mind is the answer I need for me… Away from any distractions that will cripple me of my true character. All my life I've altered who I was to be likable and to fit in until I lost half of me, I gave myself away to the wrong people for completely different result then I received in my life so far. Now see when you've tried so much until you lose yourself, but you've lost yourself for no cause; Just cause your bitter with where you are, always remember to never lose yourself without a purpose. To truly be happy you have to lose your old self to define a new you, you never really finding anything cause it was never lost… we just close our eyes to things we don't want to see; and if you are who or what you don't like your eyes will stay shut until you fall into that hole that’s in front of you then maybe that'll wake you up; Cause you knew darn well you wasn't supposed to be doing that. Or you know you're not that desperate… So yeah! Fall in there cause you need to be in that dark hole. What are you teaching your girls? I mean come on!
Maybe you'll use all that crap that pulled you down in there to step on to climb outta there. Haven't you ever watched The Incredible Shrinking Woman... When she was small and fell into the garbage disposal, she used everything in there to climb out. That's called motivation and determination… That’s where I am now, It's a choice where my character has to FIGHT OR TAKE FLIGHT.
I've been silent long enough; you'll hear me… I’ve sexed half of my life away, other half having babies, then I tried to let all the drugs either fry the rest of the brain that half them niggas ain't beat away take me awa
y cause CALGUN SURELY DIDN'T! And now I wanna see what it feels like to just live without all the drugs and the niggas, I wanna know what it feels like to really close the book and stop pretending to be someone else! Do whatever I want to do on MY OWN DEMAND…. MY CHOICE, MY DEADLINE! And for a good two to three months, I was doing my so-called own life. Of course, still silently screaming on the inside but like I say, We running our own show!
HERE COMES THE BIG BAD WOLF
In this fairy tale It was me wandering aimlessly without a care in the woods and ran dead into a big bad wolf! Like I said and I will say again; I live my life by a fairy tale just waiting on my prince charming. But this story goes way different than your average fairy tale. Oh yeah! Prince charming is in this story, But he don't have on shiny armor, and he ain't ride in on horse, and he definitely didn’t take his princess away. So of course, you’ll have to wait and see do they live happily ever after.
This is the 2000's version: A 56 year old 6ft, bow-legged, pretty light brown eyes with curly eyelashes… and with the body of a very fit 20 year old with sexy lips! Employment: Entrepreneur by any means necessary!
Love comes in many ways and in many forms; But you have to go through some heartaches and pain to know real love
Having to go through the pains to grow strong enough to accept that PEOPLE WILL BE PEOPLE!
The moment we learn to stop letting a person that breath, sleep, and bleed the same as you then you'll see life from a different angle.
One day me and my sister Tasha walking down the street. A car pulls up on the side of us Tasha and I, so we slow down looking at the car trying to figure out what was going on? We see the guy rolling the window down... I'm thinking maybe he needs directions.
The Diary Of A Country, City Girl Page 6
