“Hey ladies, would you like to make $10.00 an hour working?” Me and Tasha instantly look at each other and was about to turn and walk away. The guy must have seen it in our faces. As we were about to walk away, he says “Wait! My bad if that came out the wrong way… My name is Carlos and I'm a roofer, I have my own company and I just wanted to see if you ladies wanted a job?" You wouldn't have to actually do roofing! Just assist, like pass me my tools, set up for me… just assist!”
Tasha and I started laughing because we were about to flip out on him! Now we kind of interesting in the conversation a little more to see where it was actually going. As the conversation goes on all the information was in the right places me and Tasha was about to go about the rest of our day. Now Carlos asks us where we on our way to and can he give us a lift? We agreed to the lift because it was hot out that day, now wondering what he was up to because he tells us he have a quick stop to make first. Tasha and I learned a little more about the job at the same time as we rode with him to make his stop first. He was on his way to make a delivery at one of the jobs he was about to do. While he was out the car, Of course! Me and sis talked about him… things like how fine he was. He had that stand that showed how bow-legged he is. Then the age with the figure to the energy grabbed my attention and had me all in all… sister really was egging me on, agreeing with me. I'm telling her I'm attracted to him and she like ok sister, I got you. But when Carlos gets back in it was as if he heard every word I said. That was the first sign. Then him and Tasha started clicking and he started talking to us like he’d known us all our lives… That made me want him even more like it was love at first sight!
THIS POEM REFLECTS THE WAY I WAS FEELING AT THAT MOMENT:
A SILENT LOVE
Speaking so loud; yet uttering a sound…
The words come out but in silence…
I can hear you yet it sounds to me as whispers;
Calmly you speak so softly; I’m so proud and it seems so loud...
I speak your beautiful language which is only heard through you & me;
They’re all wondering how I hear the words you speak so silently…
Looking into your eyes, feeling the vibrations of your words, That’s unheard…
I smile as I come to you with your demands into your hands .
(BACK TO THE STORY)
Did I just want to hear all that I was hearing like it was directed straight to me. Or was it all my imagination? Was my mind playing tricks on me? And somehow, my sister was with it like it was all played out so well. OK, so! Carlos dropped us off at my house and told us he will be back in the morning to get us for work. We in the house I'm instantly fascinated and on cloud nine, anticipating what may happen tomorrow?
All of a sudden now Tasha talking crazy about she ain't climbing no ladder so she ain't coming tomorrow. And from that moment I should’ve known it was about to get crazy.
The next day me and my nephew Shan was on the porch talking when Carlos swooped up on us real fast with Rock N Roll music blasting loud! Jumps out and walks to my nephew and extends his hand. My nephew kind of goofy on things like this, so of course he just laughed and shakes Carlos hand. Carlos said some joke real quick and turned and walked away saying to me “Let's ride!” My nephew and I instantly looked at each other and agreed Carlos ain't have it all that day.
That was only day one!
Would little riding hood make it through the day?
We pull away from my house, while we were riding, I was nervous. Because now we’re by ourselves, he’s so aggressive and straight forward. I thought it'll be the other way around. But boy was I wrong. I'm a bit shy so he turned the music down.
Him: “How you doing?”
Me: “I'm fine,”
Him: “I can see that, but how you doing?”
Now I'm blushing hard! Really Michelle? That's kid stuff SNAP BACK GIRL! KLINK, KLINK LOCK IT UP! We pull up to a house, Carlos gets out and started unloading his material. He didn't say another word to me, like get out or do this or that. I don't know what else to do so I get out trying to be sherah and try and lift the heaviest thing out there… bundles! Not wanting to look weak I was killing myself. He told me “Step back girl” and to myself I was like “THANK GOD!” Because them bundles was heavy!
I had pulled a muscle in my back, how embarrassing this was. Now that meant Carlos had to feel responsible for me hurting myself. Quietness is kept I think he was scared I was gonna sue him. He may still do.
I couldn't come back to work at the moment so now what? I had his number. And that’s where it started really getting crazy. I didn't have to call him because he came to my house the next day to check on me, I'm still in bed, it was six in the morning. He told me he gets up at 4 am. I'm glad he didn't come here at that time to get cursed out that early in the morning! I don’t think he’ll be ready, and I didn’t want him to meet her just yet. In the beginning… Carlos was showing something different, showing up checking on me all caring with feeling.
After he left and went to work, I was blushing like he had just asked me to marry him or something. But I know what it really was all about. Days went on and passed, I hadn't been going to work but Carlos was still checking on me every day and all that good stuff that I was liking. Things started changing the more the days went on, we started seeing each other on a regular. I started going to work again a little more often, weeks, then months. I knew at the time he was living with a female. At the moment, that really wasn't a problem for me. But dealing with him had gotten a little more intense the more I dealt with him. Not cursing him out was hard because he had just started snapping when I'd call, then when I wouldn't call at all he would snap; I was like "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH THIS LUNATIC?"
Now I see the change! That person who was there all alone... but I was too starry eyed to really pay attention to. I mean I was just so infatuated with Carlos that all guards was completely down with him. He brought so much new joy into my life, showed me new things I'd never seen. It was all so new to me that the more we did the more I wanted him. He started telling me more about his situation- ship that he was in and told me things that I really wanted to hear. Maybe not the truth but it was his truth! WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE RIGHT? I heard everything I wanted to hear from Carlos, That the woman/girl he was living with wasn't about nothin, and she wasn't treating this fine, hardworking man right. If you’re thinking I’m mean you’re wrong. I wasn’t thinking she wasn’t a good person… I just felt like he didn’t deserve to be mistreated. At least from what he was telling me he wasn’t being treated the way I saw fit!
YOU+ME THEN THERE’S REALITY:
Walking down the street slowly as you walk towards me; seems like it’s just you and me... No sounds but surrounded by people... As you reach me, I smile as you approach me slowly; I realize you don’t even know me. Then I came back to reality; I sometimes get caught up like that in my own mind… and I get lost in time, where in this fairytale you know me so well… snapback! oh hell… I been hoping that one day this love ship will sail; But only time will tell… I see us lying in the tall grass, surrounded by so many beautiful flowers; then I pinch myself I’m dreaming this can’t be ours…. But I don’t want this to end. It just began; because I know that this could be a possibility; that one day it can be you+me
BACK TO THE STORY...
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SIGN;
One day he asks me to help him find a place! I was so happy, because all I see is stars now, It was like GOD was working directly with this relationship to fall right into place and in order. He finds a house which was amazing, seeing that for one that meant he'd probably be more available for me, and it meant he was moving out from the other girl, cool. Another thing was his new place was across the street from where I stayed. We seem to be getting along just fine... Everything seems to be moving along in order the way I liked, and he still seemed like a cool choice to be highly attractive to. But then the longer I stayed around I started to notice he was a very well
-known man with the ladies. Either I had worn out my welcome, or something was starting to go very wrong with this storyline. I was starting to see some disrespect that I wasn't ok with... I know this was his house, but if find another used condom in this house, in the room I come over and sleep in!
Because if another female were going to be present then that would be where the story ends very soon for me. As time went on, I realized I was pushing forward a little harder than he was, I was starting to see he wasn't in this way I was. Seemed I was starting to get on his nerves more. Half the nights I didn't even see him at all! When I ask him if he’s coming by the house after work? He’d just say; "I'm too tired to stop by your house and see you, I'm going straight home tonight. Even though I can tell nights he have company because he wouldn’t call me after he showered. He’ll act as if he was so tired, he fell straight to sleep. Then when I go to his house the next day, Just lying there on the floor a used condom and the opened pack!
I would just leave and go home... Sometimes it was more than one would be found. And the more I would ask him about them, the more he'd lie! He would say, “Look the nights you not here I would rent rooms out! I let my friend use my room. I know I should have ended it right there when I had all the proof because even, I knew better than that! One day I came to his house early one morning around Seven in the morning… when I went to the bathroom, It's hair just sitting on the sink as if someone just combed their hair and sat it there. I felt somebody was being funny because it could have been flushed in the toilet. Carlos don't have hair he’s skee bald! And it wasn't mine!
I would say “Carlos, it's six rooms in this house and you letting people use your room? We/ you sleep here! Come on I know better than that!” It had gotten to the point we were arguing more and more, girls pulling up with food, a girl doing his contracts, a woman lending him her car.
He was so bold one day he was giving me special attention and his phone rings; he answers then gets up and go outside...it was a lady bringing him food, he kisses her! So, when he come back in, he asks me if I think it was foul? Me: Thoughts WHAT? “Well maybe not to me but it definitely was to her.”
He always used to tell me; "Well I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket!”
What did he mean? Did he really expect me to wait until he decided he was done
spreading your eggs all over Las Vegas? I was asking him every day and everyday it was the same lie over and over one year, then two years. One day Carlos wanted to move out of the house he was in, so I thought I would offer my place to him out of courtesy.
I figured; Ok so he can come move in with me, he can save money and at the same time, I had my own little bid for that outcome. So of course, meaning now all the condoms that we weren't using would be accounted for. (But then if you have to watch over a person like that, then the relationship is definitely not good! It’s not even worth the effort of you even caring about that person. I tried making sure he had breakfast, lunch and dinner. I tried giving him good sex and clearly that wasn't working either... And his phone; let's not even bring that up: GIRLS, AFTER GIRLS! Pictures of so many naked girls in the same bed I used to be in when I was at his house! All the proof I already knew was always right there in plain sight for me, the female laying on the bed naked and comfortable. Thinking about it all had me boiling inside, now I’ve moved the problem in with me. Because when I asked about the pictures.
He answers, “The pictures aren't for me, I get paid for them.” My first thought was GOD! Why do I listen to this crap? Now he's a photographer getting paid for other people’s pictures? Do these girls know they’re posing to have their pictures sold? I wish he gets shocked every time he tells a lie so I can know each lie he tells.
YOU SHOULDN’T SCULPTURE AND CHIP PIECES FROM YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, AND YOU CAN’T SCULPTURE AND MOLD A PERSON INTO WHO AND WHAT YOU WANT NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY!
WERE YOU EVER MY FRIEND
Were you ever my friend? Where are you because you told me you would be here with me till the end….
You told me you would catch me if I were to fall; Where are you I'm slipping and I can't find you at all…
As I went down over me came a dreadful fear; And the voice in my head repeating I told you so" was all I could hear….
There is no actual guarantee in life with even a little bit of sin in it; you can fake happiness until the truths are revealed no matter how you spin it…
People will lie to you just to keep you around for there own personal purpose;
By the time you realize it'll be so much has surfaced…
It's so hard to see the purpose of others presence when you involve your feelings;
And sometimes it's too late by the time you realize the person you're dealing…
(Back to the story)
THE MOVE
BUT WHY?
Why would I do this? Was it all for my own selfish reason?
If Carlos has already shown me, he didn’t want me, why did I still bring that unhappy spirit into my home?
FIGHT OR FLIGHT?
So, Carlos moved in with me despite all I already knew about him, It still was a go for me because I figured I can change him! But that's where my problems always come in at, I think I'm this fixer of things and especially people. I figure if somethings wrong I should just fix it! I’ve always felt like if it's not my way and I want it my way then make it my way. If it's not right just make it right. If he doesn't want you, show him what he's missing, make him want you since he seems he doesn't know who you are. Carlos had been showing me he didn’t want me, but I wanted to be with this older, handsome, successful man no matter what! I felt eventually he’ll see things my way.
I may be the best woman he’s ever had and he’s putting up a big fuss to be with me! Now it's survival of the fittest, Now it's get busy time because now, I got to show him who I am!
So as far as me finding my qualities to be with him… What about him? For one #1. HE LIES!
This was my first mistake… Why am I still playing games with him even after he told me he wasn't putting all his eggs in one basket? This alone should have been enough to send me wandering back into the woods. So obviously it wasn't enough for me to get outta there, then I asked for it! If all the condoms I found, or all the females coming over and all their naked pictures in his phone and all of them still calling his phone… the hair on the sink? If all that wasn't enough for you, you were telling him this was all ok.
It was like saying to him, be with whoever you want, I'm down with that! That was the message I was sending him once I stayed in this relationship!
THAT'S WHAT I INVITED TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE, WITH MY FAMILY!
WHAT WAS THIS SAYING ABOUT ME?
Was it just desperation that made me want him so bad? Or was it all just the fight to win because he was always rejecting me? But I was so tired, was I just that desperate that I was willing to force someone to see that I can make them happy? But then at the same time was it really worth hurting my family or even myself to get someone to see me for me? Causing myself turmoil and pain didn’t make him see me for me, it only showed him that I was basically weak, desperate and lonely! That I must or that I would accept anything for attention. So, what was the real case here? Why was I so ready to fall so hard for this guy and he showed me he only wanted anybody’s companionship?
At first, I thought I liked him for his demeanor. I knew he was real because he was so honest, and I figured since he's very honest about all the women this means I will know when he is ready for me. I will make sure I show him I can do all the things they are doing all wrapped up in one! I will show him that regardless of my age... I don't want these young niggas out here; I want a grown man! Not a grown little boy because that’s what was out there waiting for me around my age. Only boy's that want to live with you, lay up all day and have sex, eat up all your food and bring they homies to help eat all your food! They have sex with all your friends and sometimes family. Even try to have your kid
s, Yes… It's niggas around here having whole families and having kids by their girlfriend’s daughter. These little boys don't want to work, they just wanted their girls to go to work so that they can lay around in her house and bring girls over and have sex in her house, in her bed, some females have no morals! They just be with it. They have no respect for themselves and have no idea what they want out of life…. so, the nigga have no reason to respect her because she requires no respect. She demands disrespect because she's too afraid to demand respect. I know this because: I was her; I was that girl before; I was laid up in another female bed while she was hard at work to provide for our child (yes I laid up with the man I had a child with while his girl was at work) IN THEIR BED! And I thought I was doing her wrong! When the entire time, he was doing both us (her and I) because we both loved him. This is why he did it because he knew I loved him, and he knew she loved him and we both knew we loved him. But real love doesn't hurt, real love doesn't make you do things wrong, things you are uncomfortable doing, things you have to sneak and do while no one's watching… That's trifling and if you want respect; this direction is this the opposite of where you want to go, think about this:
If a man/woman wants you, loves you…...wants you so bad that he wants to be with you only soon as his woman leaves, he calls you, every chance he can he shows you that it's you he wants, not her.
The Diary Of A Country, City Girl Page 7
