But of course, it takes a few bumps and bruises to learn how to ride and rise right? I myself may never understand the through process of that but I myself understand it, I believe that's why it's always been said never judge others, and that's only because we know ourselves... that we've done the same or maybe more and/or worse then. But regardless of it all I do know better now, and I just try telling people; I understand because I just put myself in the other person’s position and then try and understand before judging, But yes it is some situations you may not have the strength to think before reacting. I know that also and that's when you try your best to talk to GOD.
It's out of your control you just can't always take matters into your own hands cause that's when we make irrational decisions out of either anger or stupidity. And as for me right now I feel before I can tell anyone else about what I think they should do I have to see mine from their view. But not let anyone make decisions for me myself anymore, it always starts within you, How do you feel about the situation yourself? How does that person make YOU feel, because if a person really loves you for you and you have true happiness, then you know. But you can't help another person from drowning by jumping in the water with that person knowing you can't swim either! That's stupid; Now you throw that person a safety vest cause you know the waters are rough, but they'll have a better chance at survival this way; That's helping without judgment.
Lose would fail with flying colors if anyone would ask me honestly what type of man he is, if they were to ask if he is a good man? YES, HE IS! But it takes a hell of a lot to be that good man, I mean I've heard he thinks me and my family trying to use him, I've seen small situations to show he doesn't trust me or my family, but I just show him, well we show him we come out the projects were not from the projects. We do project things sometimes because EVERYBODY GOT A LIL RATCHET IN THE THEM. Lose claims his marriage lasted so long only for the children and that he had never been in a real relationship but tells me he wants me to teach him how. He tells me if he messes up, he will make up for the mess up, and that whatever it takes to make me happy he will do. WELL, HE HAS PROVEN THAT HE WILL, HE HAS PROVEN THAT WITH NO PROBLEM.
But I just feel its certain things that's common sense and his age and certain things I know he knows, but it’s like he wanted to do that anyway. Do he think I won't leave him because he helps take care of me? But I'm not materialistic. Like I remember when Lose was in his own house, he moved a female in with him for around two months, I of course couldn't come over, but he came to my house, stayed the night sometimes… some nights he'll stay late… but I feel it was stupid of me to even have accepted that. Laid my morals, integrity, and dignity down as a welcome mat, Welcoming all hurt, pain and disrespect. And now he is all the way in, comfortable and doesn't know his limits because I’ve accepted so much.
Love is not confusing, you know real love, I do what is right in a relationship period; And when love falls in place in the meantime … so be it! But then you know when your partner doesn't feel the same way you tend to understand and give them time… Now if two and a half years is not enough time for you to still not know if you love/respect a person that's just bull! That means you need to be alone. I just don't understand how you just still won't put a aww into my life and I've been truly honest, sincere, and do all of my part. You know everything. When you do anything, you’re just doing your part as a man and that's just how I feel. I don't feel I'm too much; I just feel I'm done playing house and I definitely won’t play house with a grown man at all.
Carlos acts as if he doesn't understand why I trip because he does for me, But I tell him I’m not material, all I needed was a boost but Carlos felt he have to hold me …. Like a charity case I think, I want help with my boy's teaching them how to be men, I just thought it would be a lot different with an older, responsible man around. He acts as if he just wants to hop from person to person like he is soul hopping, and bittersweet love is like poison. It's not good for the soul. It's like he's only good for a moment just to get what he wants….Then I get comfortable with him thinking it's all good then he'd do some dumb again. It’s just too good to be true…. Yes, I know things happen but when you can actually avoid things from happening, but you sit and watch it happen, then when it happens you go try and it. Like a savior... I don't even want your help now because you could have just done this in the beginning; I don't know if I am overreacting or am I being selfish? It's like the same things we argued about a week ago, Lose turn around do the same thing the next week.
It's sad that to be happy it's almost like you have to be alone because everyone for themselves these days no matter how you look at it, If people can’t get something they ain't trying to have anything to do with it. I feel like Lose is old enough to make family decisions without me having to tell him and he knows what to do as a man, I just feel like he wants me to ask him…. But why? Why should we go through this when we have been together for so long. Lose is full of so many childish games, He likes going into arguments about small things. It's like ok I'm helping you so you need to just "SHUT UP! I don't feel it's a fair relationship at all.
It's like I'm a kid with an allowance. But I have two teenage children you need to do that with that you so called needs to be constantly reminded sometimes so you say, I feel like I'm a grown pain (And I didn't mean to say growing I meant grown because I grew on Lose) and I came with a lot and he trying; But at the same time he wants it all! Me and his single way of living. Can't do that Lose it's either be single or go through the pains of loving me. Can't have them both!
WILL IT BE WORTH STAYING
When you don't take GOD through every day and every part of your life then you're asking to go through the storm. You can't put GOD up on the shelf and decide to use him as needed because that's where we're making the mistake. He sees all whether we see him or not. If I wasn't a true child of GOD, I would have been dead long ago. But I understand how we alter that sometimes to try and shield ourselves from GOD (well thinking we are) to live the ways of the world… Even if it's just for a while.
But sometimes that while can be suddenly and you can go right to the end of your moment. You may not get that chance; you may leave here at the age of 20 or maybe even 19… how about 12 by a gunshot only because you wanted to enjoy yourself at a party? You never know your tomorrow. So, do right the first chance and you may get that fun chance later. Trust me the same it feels at 12 and 13, It'll feel the same at 39 and 40 because I'm a living true testimony from GOD above. I've experienced every experience backwards at the opposite times and it all felt the same. So, nothing a man offers me to accept me is worth accepting being treated like nothing but a bright, talented good young woman that I am. I shouldn't have to alter my soul because that's all I have and that's taken, and you can paint this shell. Cut and dye the hair, Just don't try to scorn my soul. So just be ready to go through all your turmoil and waiting for GOD when you choose to go into the world alone and use GOD as your personal as needed DEFENSE : He will be there but don't blame GOD for the pains you suffer when you going through because he was only used as your own personal as needed purpose.
So that's where I am now. I've gone through my own personal purposes; I've been through feeling sorry for myself and others; But when do we ever feel sorry for GOD for what we put him through? Do you ever think he gets lonely with all our sorrow and pain? Have you ever thought about how many tears, pains, burdens we put on him? He so backed up because of all our selfishness that we don't share until a tragedy happens? Then GOD even gets blamed then burdened for that! We turned our backs on his son. All in all, the message should be that we have to realize when enough is enough; When will we realize we make our own and create our own madness. Whether it’s with family or even in a relationship. We live in our own small, little fantasy world where we blindfolded through it while all the good things are happening…
Now we are all just smiling and focused on all good: Not seeing the test, not seeing who did it all... Who really cre
ated the smiles in our lives? It was GOD all alone but see that's that test we keep failing constantly…
We give the credit to the demon that the devil sends in the same test, but you can’t see that GOD right there sending you smiles … Do we say THANK YOU GOD? Or say Carlos came into my life and he brought so much joy into my life. But as GOD is my witness, Carlos brought that to my attention… He told me every time I was awed by something; he'd do for me. He would say “You better realize who really doing this and thank the right person, GOD... you better pay attention... I'm not the one to thank so stop thanking me for what GOD is doing!”
And that's what I mean when I say he really is a good person, It's confusing! Is it really too hard for me? Am I being too selfish and really blinding myself to how hard Carlos is really trying? Do he really mean good or harm? Am I seeing only what I want to see?
You can’t shape and mold destiny … Or can you?
Is Carlos using the fact that he knows all about me because I was so honest with him? He has gotten me to this confused state to make me feel confused! I'm not sure of what I should do! Because sometimes it's like should I believe him? So it makes me know there has got to be a reason for a second thought, I've always been told if there's second voices that's a warning. So, listen to my every poem… My every word through the lines of this entire book. Because it's either a message or a warning either way you will learn something whether it's how lonely you are even when you're surrounded by people, or how you're in a lonely place. So when I have these poems it's messages, and a work of art through me. Mixed messages that come up as I write for certain thoughts like loving yourself. Not staying in situations that makes you unhappy regardless of what the offeror may offer. I feel I'm in this seeing I'm not financially stable. But I have gotten to the point where I don't care what I don't have!
I don't care if another person feels I'm being selfish; I'm tired of others telling me how to feel, How to think, act. This hurts and It's always been my problem! Putting others feelings before mine and I've never gotten anything from any situation I've been in, I'm not a bad person until others make me feel as if their making a fool of me then I become a B!+**! If it hurts, It's not love. You should never let anyone make you feel unworthy of what you feel. Never let anyone disgrace what GOD has created and whether it's a lion's roar or a bird soaring the clear blue skies or singing it's beautiful songs; Or a thunderstorm sending lightning bolts…others are in that same storm; It's their storm. When you start interfering with nature is when wrong starts to happens. Sometimes love hurts, but that's not the way it was intended before we became aware of feelings…. Right and wrong…. Now you know, now you want to hurt someone that made you feel hurt! It's called revenge; But revenge causes sorrow and now everyone that gets hurt feels the harmer hasn't gotten his own revenge yet so now the hurt person causes pain on the harmer. Now the world goes on and on like this. When DR MARTIN LUTHER KING HAD A DREAM, HE DIED…. WHEN ROSA PARKS HAD A SEAT BECAUSE SHE WAS JUST TOO TIRED TO KEEP WALKING, SHE DIED…. WHEN MALCOLM X VOICE WAS HEARD, HE DIED… WHEN BLACKS GOT TIRED AND FOUGHT BACK, THEY WERE JAILED OR HUNG AND DIED….WHEN THE GANGS REUNITED, THEY WERE JAILED OR SHOT……. TRAYVON'S HANDS WERE UP AND HE DIED……. ALL I'M SAYING IS WHEN WE FIGHT BACK OR IF WE ARE A THREAT, WE DIE…. LONG AS WE'RE NOT KILLING EACH OTHER WE'RE PAYING TOO MUCH ATTENTION, SO THEY DISTRACTED US AGAINST EACH OTHER BY MAKING US THINK WE WERE OUR OWN ENEMIES!!!!
So, for years and still this went on with us not being able to seek revenge… and so we started fighting each other ! The men were so frustrated from their manhood being taken in front of their women. They felt belittled in their eyes and felt their women felt the same, so they wanted to have revenge on anything until they started to take revenge on the women, and we were the only strength they had! So, they took our strength and started to use it against each other and it went on and on that way for years.
So, are we being used as sex slaves again? The same way they were doing us back then, making fucking half breeds. Now what happens when we get pregnant, then the men walk out to be never seen again . I think it's all continuing over and over just all-in different ways.
We were still getting left fatherless just like back when they took the fathers away from the homes, always was taking the men leaving mothers alone. Now what housing and welfare do? Men aren't allowed! So, if it's all about me telling 2018, 2019, 2020,2021… and so on… whether it's black or white, girl or boy, man and woman, rich or poor…. we all have rights, and we shouldn't feel made guilty because we make a choice …. It's just a matter of if you're standing for the right reasons… The rich often feel poor because they’re so lonely.
JUST A QUICK THOUGHT
SO, if we're really this strong why continue hurting others? Why not treat each other right, no matter who they are. Why can’t we get in a relationship and fall in love and be a family? Now I have to train a man on how to love me. What about if he continues to do these wrong things, then do I just keep saying ok this is how it goes, I have to stick in there and eventually he’ll get tired of cheating on me? How much is really too much? When do I stand and say NO MORE? Or do I say at least he's trying? At least he makes me happy and makes my people happy sometimes (when he can). How can I tell anyone anything if I'm going through what I tell them not to go through? Do I use the going through to continue teaching showing females it’s ok to stay through the disrespect? Or do I just stop going through and just tell them what I went through? What about the rest of the going through who will teach it? Oh well maybe someone after me.
A HURTING HEART
I wish I knew exactly what to do; but I'm so in love with you, and that makes it hard for me to choose….
I know you mean me no harm; when you send off to other girls just the gentlest charm; and give them a smile so warm; Not meaning me any harm….
I wish you knew exactly how much it hurts me when you flirt with other girls and make them smile; especially when you would go that extra mile…. It hurts me but I also would smile.
But my smile would be so blunt; Cause my smile would just be a front…. It's not wanting others to see my pain; And me knowing and thinking this man/ bullshit so lame…
So from the anger I feel I would just refrain; GOD'S credit from this I would certainly gain…
But I wish my man knew how much this really hurts me; BUT OH! HE DO KNOW; REMEMBER YOU TOLD HIM SO; NOT ONCE OR TWICE OR THREE TIMES BUT 4…..Now tell me if it's time to cry no more;
Now it's time for him to choose either me or the door cause no more of my tears will hit the floor.
Now you say you love me and only me but I really don't think that's what others see, sometimes not even me ...You ask me why do I care? and I ask you why do you have to share?
So I wish sometimes you were me and I was you; so you so you can clearly see the bullshit you take me through….
You act like it's harmless; but it holds me like a harness. But the looser it fit; and the easier this thing gets! I never liked being tied down; that shit always causes me to frown; I GET UP AND LOOK AROUND; DUST OFF AND ADJUST MY CROWN…
GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH ME YET, SO I'M STILL GOING THROUGH SOME STORMS…. I’M A WORK IN PROGRESS:
THIS IS SOME OF MY WORK, MY POETRY…
My poetry reflects things I’m going through or how I'm feeling when I’m writing
WE CANNOT DIRECT THE WINDS, BUT WE CAN ADJUST OUR SAILS…
WHY DO I LOVE YOU
I love you because you make my heart smile, you made me feel (for me) you’ll go that extra mile…
My love for you grows stronger in time; Things would work I would never hurt you, if you just let our love shine…
You come by as charming as if you really care; But when it comes to caring for your other feelings aren't there.
But I still love you through it all even with how you feel; Because you can't turn off love like a faucet or as if it isn't real…
So wherever this life/love takes us I will go with a smile;
Because for real love you're supposed to go that extra mile…
But I will be here waiting for you because you have a lot of catching up to do;
I will be forever waiting now and forever because for you my love is true…
I know he makes you feel so sad, but girl don't be blue; he wasn't good enough for you…
I know he makes you feel all down; but pick yourself up don't just lay there on the ground…
Girl, you’ve got to get up, snapback, you too damn good for that;
You’ve got to get up, snap back and make him wonder where you’re at!
The Diary Of A Country, City Girl Page 9
