SHE’LL BE OKAY
She is who she is; Love her or leave her…
She's been hurt; she's cried.. Cause she's tried, She still got treated like dirt…
But she doesn't let those things define her still; but for real love she would kill…
She can't find true happiness... this she'll truly confess, That's the real reason she's in all this mess!
So don't bother her if true love you can't give; Just leave her alone, let her live…
She's been through enough physical & mental abuse so if it's anything else..
WHAT'S THE USE!
As you see I’ve been through so much and I’m still going through. But I will have MY LIFE as my own, I will not allow any stress to come into my life and destroy what GOD has given me to live. And that’s a beautiful, happy life! I will go into the world as me, myself and I cause that's who's in the mirror when you look… YOU WASH YOUR FACE, It's you!
Sometimes we can get so caught up with trying to please the world that we forget for a while what really matters. We forget that it’s us that has to make ourselves happy, we hold our own keys to our own happiness. But we often make the mistake by giving that key to others and they tend to lose the key, sometimes we find the key or sometimes it’s lost forever and it was a foreign key.. They don’t make these anymore. And now your happiness is gone and now all you can do is give up on life. I can remember being shy, too shame to do anything worthwhile, I was too embarrassed to have a meaning in my life. But I remember doing dumb shit in front of these same people, worried about if they going to laugh at me for doing this. Why be too ashamed to have a purpose, but not too ashamed to ruin your entire life? These same people you so call kick it with. if they were important enough to ruin your life in front of.
What would they say if they come walking into a Hotel you own? Or your restaurant? Maybe even read a book you wrote! I’m successfully doing one right now. If you’re reading this book, this is a goal I had. Yes, I would love to be a successful author! But guess what? Those are all three of my goals… The same people you will be too ashamed to live your life as blissfully as you may be able to in front of, will be the same ones 40 an up still so-called pimps or still hanging out trying to sell drugs, prostituting etc.… Not because they were so successful growing up and that’s side change, they trying to make because they don’t want to sit at home to retire. It’s only because they wouldn’t do anything better coming up but all the wrong things to go to jail. They're at that age now that they can’t do anything else... NO SKILLS! It took me many years to see this... And stealing is not a career! You do pass go but you will not collect $200 dollars, you go straight to jail! Now you’re in jail, have to leave your children, then what? Now you know exactly what you want but it’s already too late! Now your children are being raised by someone else. You expect everyone to drop everything they're doing and be on your time because you’re locked up!
BEAUTIFUL
You are truly beautiful, and your skin shows no flaws.
when you walk into a room it's filled with smiles and awws...
showing you love would be my best quality yet.
and loving you forever would be no problem I can bet...
your truly beautiful, believe me you shouldn't ever have doubt.
I can see the GOD in you, your beautiful inside and out...
Just believe you're beautiful and that there will be better days.
always know you're beautiful, no matter what this cruel world says.
(Life isn’t about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself) … Recite this to yourself daily.
MIRACLES BEFORE MY EYES
On Father’s Day (2015) my daughter was at her father’s and they were all cooking and listening to music enjoying themselves. All the children were all running around playing and some was in the pool playing. Nobody really knows if my grandson Metri (three years old) was running around playing and slipped in the pool or if the children were harmlessly playing and they pushed him into the pool. But I was told by the time they got him out of the water he was blue and so heavy because he had inhaled too much water! They said that, as they were pumping and pumping, and rocks and water was coming out! He was presumed dead when they made it to the hospital, he was put on all the machines and tubes and whatever they had to do to bring my baby back. BUT GOD! When GOD is the Dr you have no worries, he was said to be brain dead and yet, he's a survivor! He was said he may have brain issues but yet my baby intelligent! He walked away with no issues! Brain working and functioning just fine. No therapy, nothing … JUST A MIRACLE!
On June 25th, 2018 @ 10:30 I was in a sort of heavy sleep, which was unusual because I normally didn't fall asleep until late. But I remember this time because when my phone rang it was messenger. I was instantly upset because I thought it was my son's friends calling because my son usually have my phone and this was there way of calling him, fb messenger. But this time it wasn't THEM... It was actually my son, Steve... Shocked now as to why HE calling me now, I answer half asleep and curious. All I hear is "momma Tramaine got shot! Now I'm awake and scared, but still thinking I must be sleep still "WHAAT? jumping up! shaking Carlos, I wake him up and yells to him "take me to my baby! Tramaine just got shot!" Horrified and not knowing what to expect... I ask my son what happened? I didn’t want to ask was she alive or dead, I didn’t want that answer. My son repeats himself again "Tramaine just got shot momma!” Now I say call the ambulance! But at the same time, I could hear the ambulance in the background. I didn't know what to do I didn’t know what to say. On the way to my daughter's house the world was spinning. Nothing made sense. Every light caught us but in my mind, it seem Carlos was only going 10 miles an hour on purpose! In my head he not as concerned as I was. I didn’t know! He could have been just as scared as I was but didn’t want to show it. He knew I had to panic so somebody had to hold it together to get to my baby, I felt like I was in a dream. I heard the ambulances the closer we got my heart sank, it seemed I was floating, I could hear nothing but my son repeating those words in my ear and me screaming. When we turned the corner, I see police, people out crying and yellow tape, Noooo! I jump out running to the first cop I saw. Carlos took over the conversation because all I can do is cry asking where's my baby? Carlos gets me back to the truck after getting the information that they have taken her to UMC. Now I'm even more horrified because now I know it's real. It did happen! But now I need to know is she alive? The cop answers yes last I heard.
Now arriving at the hospital after the ride from my daughter to the hospital couldn't be over any faster! All I wanted Carlos to do is get me to my baby and he wasn’t moving fast enough… I wanted him to run every light there was! When we pulled up to the hospital, I saw my mother and sister at the front outside waiting for me. That's when reality hit me! MY MOTHER is waiting for ME because MY BABY is shot, I fell out! Carlos had to pick me up and carry me in, they had to have a nurse to come check me. I was in shock, but my mother insisted I stay with them until I hear something about my baby. After to me hours of waiting, the surgery team that was working on my baby came out and let me know everything I needed to know. All bout where she was shot; how many times, and what they were doing to her, what was next to come. Basically, gave me all the answers I was looking for, and now I needed to know when I can see her. With the surgery going good and the rest of the work that needed to be into play, I was able to see my baby a hour after that... 4 hours I saw my baby.
When I saw my baby, the ventilation machine was 100%, but after all the prayers and she was fighting hard, my baby was coming off machines left and right, every day, they were unhooking kidney drains, liver bags... Things I never even heard of my baby had it! BUT GOD … she still here.
Through all of this, I was distraught but shocked all at the same time, because I was basically watching another miracle before my eyes... seeing my daughter on those same machines my grandson was on 2 years ago on Father's Day... But he fought so hard to still be here with us and I t
hank GOD! I thank GOD I can share these miracles with the world. I can say I know with prayer and true faith GOD always shows us miraculous miracles.
THE WORST MONTH EVER! MARCH
In the month of March life as we all knew it changed for the worst! We had so many distractions going on in this world that you will think the world was about to end. We had the swarm of grasshoppers; we had the Hornets and whatever else! For a lot of us we were only worried about The Pandemic! The Covid-19, The Coronavirus! But I didn’t care about any of that! During the time I had no clue about a Covid-19… I was just ready to go!
My mother had given me the ok and I was on my way in my head! I wanted to leave Las Vegas Nevada so bad during the time I got my income Tax check I felt that was my moment. For some reason I was just ready right then and there to go try my luck in Atlanta GA. But at the same time my mother was going into the hospital to have this big surgery, I never thought anything because my mother has always been so strong, and she’s battled and won so many fights that’s I felt this was just another won battle! But first my mother went in for a surgery, she kept telling me to go ahead and go and when she get out of the hospital and get well, she is coming! That’s exactly what she told me, and she was SO excited that I was going and anxious for me to go. I never understood what was really going on with her, but it was really strange. Once I got to Atlanta, they shut down the day I made it and that meant Las Vegas had shut down and they had shut the hospitals down! Now that meant nobody can even visit my mom and I was all the way in Atlanta! . So that shut my plans I went there for all the way down! Now I’m ready to go back to Las Vegas because there was nothing, I was able to do down there in Georgia! I had nowhere to go or stay so all I was able to do was come back to Las Vegas. I dreaded it but at the same time I never knew it was all in GOD’S plans. I had to come back because none of my mother’s four girls never saw all the signs my mother was showing that she was way more sick than we ever knew. My oldest daughter was always there with her, so I thought it was all fine.
But Patience was calling crying because my mother was in excruciating pain! Then on top of her being in pain day she came home after her first surgery; she was in so much pain she had to be rushed back! Even the nurses that was visiting was trying to see why they had sent her home so soon at her age and all the underlying issues that came with the surgery she had. They said it was no way mom should’ve been sent home, they said they should’ve sent her to rehab at least instead of home... Then by now I was back out here and when she came home, I went to visit her, and the Corona was so bad I was scared to even go near my mother! I didn’t want her to get sick because I was traveling during Corona. So, I stayed my distance even after not being able to see her after so long. Then I found out that day say had to go back to the hospital after only being home a day because now the cuts were infected!
I really didn’t understand she had nurses coming to clean and change her bandages every day! So that was the second time she had to go right back to the hospital and the last time I saw her healthy outside of the hospital. Since March!
I felt so bad that I left going to Atlanta after my mother had just had surgery. She’s diabetic and had stents going to her heart that they even had taken out for the surgery. I beat myself up about the fact all this happened, and I had no idea she would go through this much! I remember the day she had the surgery I went to visit her and that was the day I left for Atlanta. It hurt to walk outta that hospital and leave knowing I was leaving the entire state! That meant I wouldn’t see my mother for however long it was about to take her to heal and get well enough to travel. My mother may seemed healthy, she really wasn’t. My mother was getting cut on so much to say she was diabetic, but she never showed pain until the last three to four months and we still wasn’t paying attention that she was sick! They shut the hospitals down for about two months we, and nobody was able to visit for two and COVID-19 was being passed around through those hospitals and nursing homes. So, I still stressed while I was in Atlanta no matter how beautiful it was… but it was nice just to be somewhere other than Las Vegas. That was my first time being anywhere other than Las Vegas. After closing the hospitals all we were able to do was call mom everyday all day. One phone call she told us she had to get her foot cut off. We already knew about that because she wanted that foot cut off so bad because she thought that would ease some of the pain she had if she got rid of the source of the problem. The problem I had was the hospitals was shut down and we couldn’t be by my mother side during this very difficult time for her. When we talked to her, she was ok so it sounded but I know my mother and I knew this was stressing her out so bad. My mother was used to getting up doing for herself and with her health steadily declining, and I feel like she gave up after the second time they came told her they have to cut her leg up further because it was infected. My mom told us they weren’t cutting on her no more, they told us she can come home for a few days and they’ll schedule her to come back for the surgery in a few days. Finally, we were able to bring her home…. Except the next morning they said she couldn’t come home because she had a fever! Now that’s another thing… every time they told us she can come home they tell us the next day something wrong! up and us not seeing our mother for months, my sister say she was at work and she felt different today.
But she said this day she had calling momma on her mind, but it was different! She say It was heavier on her mind today for some reason to call mom, something kept telling her to call but it was really early, and she was at work. So, she said her job started asking who wanted to leave early? She said since she had been thinking about mom so hard that she decided to take the early out from work. Since it was still early, she still didn’t call mom, but in the car on the way home she said something kept telling her to call so she said she called mom’s cell phone. Mom didn’t answer and she say she thought nothing of it mom rarely answers, and it was still early. So, my sister said she decided to just call the nurses station to have them go in to check on her and tell her to answer her phone. My sister said when she called the nurses station the nurse told her mom wasn’t in that room anymore, so my sister asked where is she? Transfer me to where she is then, So the nurse goes on to tell my sister my mother was in ICU! Now my older sister is pissed because she’s shocked to hear just from last night we was just on the phone with my mother and she was talking to us, laughing with us and all so how is she now in ICU from just last night? Once my sister got transferred to the nurses’ station in ICU she asked for my mother’s nurse. Now her nurse get on the phone and my sister asked why was my mother in ICU? The nurse tells my sister my mother had stop breathing last night and she’s on LIFE SUPPORT! THE VENTALATOR! Now my sister said she tripped out on the nurse on the phone! Because first of all, none of her children were notified that my mother stopped breathing last night and it’s now the next day Seven AM and nobody still didn’t call us I had to call y’all! My sister called me yelling sayin we need to get to the hospital momma was on the breathing machine and she was on her way her from Texas! My older sister was so distraught that she told the Dr’s to do any and everything they could just to keep my mother breathing. So, they came to us after two in a half weeks telling us my mother couldn’t stay on the ventilator because it can cause infections. Now we afraid of what exactly what they were they saying? The machine was doing 100% of the breathing for my mother and when they try to take her off the machine she stop breathing on her own! Now they came up with the trach in her throat! We agreed to anything that would’ve still let her be here on this earth! I guess her four daughters didn’t think about putting her through all that pain and suffering. All we cared about was the fact that this was our mother, and we wanted her alive! We had no clue she was this sick that she would just die with no notice to us that she was even sick! We hadn’t seen our mother in months… but of course we called all day every day! But it was nothing like being able to kiss, hug, or even touch our mother. When she wouldn’t answer her phone, we called the
nurses station and had them to go tell her to answer her phone. We even had the nurse’s private numbers so if we couldn’t reach her we were calling them! So, they knew how much we cared about our mother the way we acted when they told us she was on the breathing machine. We went to that hospital and tripped to get into that hospital! They had to call the police because my oldest daughter went passed them and ran upstairs to my mother room! She regretted it because she said when she went a bunch of nurses and Dr’s were surrounding her doing CPR! I was/ we were all in distraught after this, we hadn’t seen her in months then they tell us this and though we would just be ok with that? I didn’t understand what even had happened. They couldn’t explain nothing to us! Then they told us my mom had the COVID-19 then the next day they told my sister she didn’t, then told my daughter they tested her, and she had it, then told my niece she didn’t! It was so many different back and forth stories. So, I figured after we told them we would sue them because how did my mother catch it and she been in here with you’ll with no visitors? I told them y’all gave my mother CORONA but keeping us away from her saying it’s a possibility we can give it to her! We didn’t see my mother again until May 30th when the hospital opened back up! But things went to spiraling downhill after that. Her health was declining, and we refused to let mother go! My mother have four girls and neither of us knows exactly how she passed away! All we know is what the Dr’s and nurses told us, but we don’t know for sure… for all we know my mother really did have Corona!
The Diary Of A Country, City Girl Page 10
