Conviction: Devine

by Sidebottom, D H

  “Kris,” I warned when I shivered against the ice radiating from my husband.

  “Close your eyes, baby,” Kris whispered urgently.

  I couldn’t close my eyes, they wouldn’t allow me to. I lay on the floor beside my best friend as I witnessed exactly who my husband was.

  “Her sick fucking dead brain.” Ted Michaelson spat his last words as his son’s hand snapped to his neck and his fingers tore out his throat in one swift move.

  I watched in shocked amazement as Jake opened his fist and dropped Ted’s throat on the floor. For the longest moment, Ted stood wide-eyed, staring at Jake as he started to gurgle. His hand slowly moved to his throat as his knees buckled and he dropped to the floor.

  Jake bent down, picked up Ted’s gun and pointed it at his own head.

  Then he closed his eyes and pressed the trigger.

  I WAS NUMB. THE world around me, dead.

  I watched my father fall at my feet.

  Did I deserve this pain that blackened my heart? Had my life been leading to this one moment? The moment when everything inside me died.

  I knew I wasn’t a good man, I’d never claimed to be. Yet as I stood, alone and bitter, watching my father take his last breath, I knew my life was nothing without Isla. I didn’t want to breathe anymore. I didn’t want to feel my heart beat in my chest. I didn’t want to feel this pain that fractured my soul and crushed me from the inside out.

  I was numb. The world around me, dead.

  The light in my father’s eyes went out and his face softened when peace found him. I wanted that. I wanted to end the despair that clawed up my throat and tore me apart on its route.

  She was dead. My beautiful wife had left me. She’d promised she would never leave me. I swore she would never be free of me, and I intended to keep that promise.

  I bent and picked up the gun that my father had dropped, deeming it fit that it would be a bullet intended for me that took the beat from my heart and the pain from my soul.

  I was numb. The world around me, dead.

  Nirvana called to me, the abyss promising freedom from the agony massacring me. This world didn’t belong to me. It belonged to beautiful people, not people who hungered for slaughter and destruction.

  I pressed the tip of the gun to my temple. I closed my eyes to Isla’s beautiful smile calling me home.

  And I pressed the trigger.

  I flew backwards as I fired, my back hitting the wall with so much force I was sure each of my vertebrae snapped and broke in sequence, like a wall of dominoes going down in a line. The air gushed from my lungs as a scream echoed around me.

  “No, no, no.”

  I snapped my eyes open at the sound of Isla’s voice. She was crawling along the floor, her legs dragging behind her as she pulled herself along with her hands. Her face was pale and full of pain.

  Hell wasn’t quite what I had expected.

  I tipped my head and watched as she dragged herself further, a thick line of blood smeared across the concrete in her wake.

  “Isla?”

  “Jake!” she cried. “Phone an ambulance.” When I frowned, she screamed at me. “NOW!”

  I watched as she grabbed hold of Kris and pulled him into her lap. “No, no, no,” she sobbed. “No!” Her cries were so wretched that they seemed to sink inside me and tear at my heart, her distressed wails so passionate I felt her suffering as if it were my own.

  “Help me!” she screamed as people rushed into the room.

  I didn’t understand what was happening. This wasn’t how hell was supposed to be.

  “Fuck!” Adam cried as he dropped to his knees before Isla and took Kris from her. Pressing both hands into his chest, he looked up at Carrie. “Get Isla out of here, she needs medical attention.”

  “No!” Isla shouted as she tried to hold onto Kris. “He needs me.”

  “You need to get to hospital. That baby needs you. Jake needs you.”

  Slowly, as if realising what was happening, Isla looked down at her belly. A sadness covered her face and she shook her head. “My baby’s already dead.”

  Carrie ducked down and held onto Isla, pulling her up. “Come on, let’s get you sorted,” she urged as she pressed her hand against Isla’s wound.

  “Jake.”

  I moved my head slowly to look at the strange man who was staring at me. “You need to go with your wife.”

  “What? Who are you?”

  “I’m a friend of Katie’s. Come on.” Pulling me up, he led me from the room and into the front seat of a waiting car.

  Isla’s cries made me turn to look at her huddled into Carrie’s arms on the back seat.

  I didn’t understand. I thought she would be happy that I’d followed her.

  Her eyes opened and she stared at me. “Why did you do that?” she shouted. “Why?”

  I shook my head.

  “You killed him,” she hissed. “You killed my friend. He saved your life and sacrificed his own. Why would you do that?” She was gibbering, her words spewing from her angrily. “Do I not mean anything to you? You tried to kill yourself! I thought you loved me. I thought you loved me! How could you try and leave me?”

  I shook my head, confused and hurt. “I followed you. I didn’t leave you.”

  “You followed me?” She screwed up her face. “You followed me where?”

  “Here,” I breathed. “Hell.”

  “Hell? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  Her words cut deep and a tear trickled over the edge of my eye. “I followed you over, Isla. I couldn’t bear the thought of being without you.”

  “Isla,” Carrie soothed. “He’s in shock. He doesn’t understand what’s happening.”

  The guy who’d helped me into the car, patted my leg. “She’s delirious mate, lost a lot of blood.” He smiled at me softly and then went back to driving us out of hell.

  Or into it. I wasn’t sure which.

  THE ROOM WAS DARK, lit by a soft bulb above my head. Quiet greeted me, a faint tick tock of a clock and some muffled footsteps were the only sounds my ears heard.

  My stomach hurt, my head pounding in sync with the dull throb in my gut.

  But I felt his hand in mine, his strong hold gripping me as though I was his lifeline, like he needed to touch me for his heart to carry on beating.

  Slowly lifting my free hand, it shook as I gently placed it on his head that was resting on the side of the bed where he slept. My father slept in a chair to one side of the room and Leah had fallen asleep in the corner, curled up with her head resting on her rolled up jacket.

  When he’d pointed that gun at his head, I thought my life was over, my heart ripped out of my chest before me as my soul shattered inside me. It had been like a movie playing out. Time had appeared to stop as Kris had leapt forward and knocked the gun away, the bullet missing its intended target and piercing my best friend’s chest instead.

  My eyes filled with tears as I looked at my husband. The pain on his face as his own father had belittled his mother had tortured me, his heartache potent in the room as he’d taken every hateful word and allowed them to dig deep. I knew he’d blame himself because that was how Jake worked.

  He murmured beside me and I looked down to see his eyes on me. For a moment he appeared calm then he blinked and shot up. “Isla?”

  “Hey,” I whispered with a smile.

  His hands gripped my face, his embrace harsh as he swallowed heavily. “Sweetheart.” His eyes filled with tears. “Isla?”

  I smiled wider. “Yes, it’s me.”

  He reared back and his gaze moved over me crazily, his eyes looking for . . . what, I had no idea. “You’re awake.”

  “I am.”

  “Your eyes are open.”

  “They are.”

  “You . . . you’re okay.”

  “I am, baby. Yes, I am.”

  “Oh dear God,” he whimpered as he leaned in and kissed me hard, then gently, then furiously. “I . . . I’m sorry. I let you down.
”

  “No. No you didn’t.”

  I blinked back the tears when Kris’ face in my head broke my heart. My mouth was dry as I braced myself and asked the question I dreaded the answer to. “Kris?”

  “He’s okay. They got the bullet out and gave him a transfusion. He came to yesterday.”

  “What?” My heart raced happily, shock making me laugh and cry at the same time.

  “I owe him a pint.” Jake grimaced.

  “Of blood?”

  He barked out a laugh. “A beer you bloody idiot.”

  “Oh!” I smiled. “But he’s okay?”

  “He’s okay,” he reinforced, and I allowed my heart to finally accept it.

  Blowing out a breath, I swallowed back the pain and took Jake’s hand. “I’m sorry.”

  He nodded, his face growing serious as he trailed a finger over the contours of my face. “I thought you were dead,” he whispered, his face contorting with pain as his eyes filled with tears. “I thought you were dead, Isla.”

  I nodded, not telling him about my ‘dream.’ That was something that would stay with me for the rest of life but I smiled to myself.

  “Can I go see Kris?”

  Jake nodded as he reached for the glass of water and guided the straw to my mouth. I winced at the pain in my belly. “Does it hurt?” Jake asked.

  I nodded and placed my hand on my stomach. I hadn’t yet acknowledged what wasn’t to be but the sadness in Jake’s eyes had the grief for our baby surfacing. “I’m so sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Shush,” he breathed as he enveloped me and pulled me close to him. I clung back as hard, ignoring the pain. I needed to feel him, I needed the love he comforted me with.

  “We can try again,” I said guiltily. “I promise, I’ll do everything to give you another child, Jake.”

  He frowned at me, shaking his head slightly. “You want a third?”

  “Well, I’d like six or seven but let’s focus on getting to number two for the moment.”

  He stared at me as if confused then his face relaxed and he smiled. Taking my hand, he brought it to his lips and kissed the back of my knuckles. “Sweetheart, you didn’t lose the baby.”

  Everything stilled, including my heart. “What?”

  His smile grew into a grin. “You are still pregnant. The blade went into your stomach, it completely missed your womb. Your blood loss was the only risk to the baby but they managed to save her and get blood into you quickly.”

  I looked up at the ceiling. A sob and a grin mixed, making me hiccup. “Thank you,” I whispered. I knew they had something to do with it. Miracles didn’t happen to me. Feeling their love around me I blew Seb and my Mum a kiss and grabbed Jake’s face. “Fuck me, I love you.”

  He chuckled, kissing me back just as hard. “I can’t fuck you yet, sweetheart. Might tear your stitches. I know we both like you to bleed, but that might be a bit too much.”

  I laughed, wincing at the pain again just as the door opened. My smile grew even more when a nurse wheeled Kris inside. His eyes found mine and I swear for the first time, I witnessed the hard, restrained man shed a tear. “You’re awake.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I am,” I repeated again.

  “How you feeling, baby?” Kris asked as he shuffled to the edge of his chair and took my hand, placing a soft kiss over the one Jake had just placed on my knuckles.

  “I’m okay.”

  “Yeah?”

  I nodded. “And how are you doing?” He knew what I was asking.

  Sighing, he smiled. “Well my back’s torn up a bit but this time it isn’t by choice.”

  “Are you struggling?”

  “Not now.”

  Jake rolled his eyes at our exchange then smiled. “If I wasn’t positive your relationship with my wife was platonic you’d be back on that operating table by now.”

  Kris sobered and took a breath. “Speaking of which.” Leaning over, he pulled his wallet from his back pocket then pulled a piece of paper from inside and handed it to Jake.

  Jake frowned and read it, then looked back at Kris. “Red House?”

  Kris nodded. “It’s where your mother is.”

  Jake paled and plopped onto the bed, his wide eyes fixed on his friend. “What?”

  “Nuke120.” Kris smiled. “I knew if I sent the email with my own name you wouldn’t open it because of what happened.”

  “How did you find her?” Jake’s voice was full of amazement and pain. I linked my fingers through his.

  “I tapped into your father’s network,” he said with a sly wink. “I knew he had something to do with those photos. I was trying to find the originals to prove to you they’d been doctored. What I didn’t expect to find was an invoice for Red House and your mother’s name attached to it. I did some digging.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” Jake coughed, trying desperately to push back the emotion.

  Kris grew serious. “I owe you my life, Jake. You know that. I would never have survived my childhood without you.”

  Jake shook his head, dismissing Kris’ gratitude. “I wouldn’t have survived adulthood without you, mate.”

  Kris shrugged then laughed. “Now, get me out of this place. Keegan’s waiting for me to play.”

  Jake laughed and I gawped at the pair of them. “You have Keegan?”

  He smiled and nodded. “I owed him to Kris. His knives are getting rusty.” He winked.

  I blinked when Jake leaned into me, his mouth pressing against my ear. “I also saved you a little something.”

  My brow lifted. “Oh yeah?”

  The smile that lifted his lips made me shiver, his eyes reflecting as much vice. “Yeah, sweetheart. Gen is currently ‘hanging around’ waiting for you. You need to hurry and get better. She’s looking forward to your ‘talk’.”

  I shivered. “You know,” I whispered, “I love it when you share.”

  “Always.” He grinned. “I share my heart and soul with you. It’s a given that I also share my thirst for blood.”

  Kris rolled his eyes when I grabbed Jake’s hair and pulled him to my mouth. “Come here, let me quench your desire.” Biting into his lip, his eyes darkened when I pulled back and his blood edged my lips.

  “Stop,” he moaned, “or I’m pulling out your tubes and taking you into that bathroom. Family and friends will wait.”

  Laughing, I shook my head. “I love it when you’re masterful.”

  “Of course you do. That’s because you were created to rule beneath me.”

  I stared at him. “What?”

  He smiled, running his thumb across my lip and smearing his blood onto my cheek. “I think you’re ready.”

  Excitement coursed through me and I grinned up at my husband, my eyes mirroring the glint in his. “Oh I’m ready.” I nodded with conviction. “I’m more than ready.”

  He cupped my face tenderly, his eyes full of adoration. “Then welcome to ruling North London, Mrs Devine.”

  I jigged about with delight then settled quickly when the pain in my tummy grumbled at me. “I won’t let you down, Mr Devine.”

  “Of that I have no doubt. Your monster is as fucking tough as mine.”

  I nodded eagerly. “Does that mean I get a raise?”

  Jake smirked at me. “You always get a raise from me, sweetheart.”

  Laughing I slapped him playfully. “I’ll take both.”

  He pursed his lips and grinned. “Speaking of both,” he murmured quietly in my ear. “Remember that conversation with Ava and Mason?” I nodded, the breath in my lungs coming out in short, sharp blasts. “Well I’ve arranged for you to have . . . both.”

  I gasped and grinned widely. “You mean,” I asked just as quietly, “another man with you?”

  He scoffed. “I’m not that generous.”

  “Eh?”

  “Mindy is her name.” He smiled widely. “Huge tits, sweetheart. You’ll love her!”

  He laughed louder when my mouth dropped open and he
witnessed the disappointment on my face.

  “You bastard,” I grumbled.

  He winked and clicked his tongue. “Don’t you know it!”

  Laughing with him, I couldn’t help but nod. “I know it. But you know what?” I smiled. “I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

  “Not even with a bigger dick?” Kris asked with a chuckle.

  “Well . . .” I didn’t finish the sentence before Jake growled and kissed me to shut me up.

  “Don’t even go there.”

  I smiled. “I’ll always go there, baby. Always.”

  “I hope so. I fucking hope so.”

  THE CHARGE NURSE OPENED the door. I struggled to hold onto my anger as well as my sanity. The place was filthy, the paint peeling off the walls and I was sure I saw a rat further down the corridor.

  The entourage behind me was aware of my rage and heartache but each stood back and waited outside the room when I stepped inside.

  Isla slipped her hand in mine then closed the door behind us, giving me the privacy I needed.

  For the longest time, I couldn’t move or breathe. My mother was beautiful, her long grey hair slightly matted as she sat staring out of the window. Her room was bare of any personal items, the grey paint on the walls as sickening as the rest of the place.

  A small trickle of drool slid down the edge of her mouth. I pulled a tissue from the box on the nightstand, cringing at its coarse texture before I knelt before her.

  Lifting the tissue, I gently wiped her mouth. Her vivid green eyes moved from the outside world to me. Slowly and deliberately her hand moved and she brought it to my face. She blinked as she looked at me.

  The right side of her face was frozen in place. She reminded me of a stroke victim but I knew better.

  Her mouth opened but she didn’t say anything as she continued to stare at me, through me. To her I was another nurse. I knew she didn’t recognise me.

  I brushed away the strand of hair that glued to her lips then leaned forward and softly kissed my mother for the first time in my life.

  Isla gasped when my mother reached up and held my face. A lone tear slid from her eye as she whispered, “My boy.”