Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14

by Peterman , Robyn

  “Oh my Hell,” I said, raising my middle finger. “You’re a gaping asshat.”

  “Talk shit. Get hit,” Levi said dryly for the win.

  I was going to remember that one. It was good. If he could steal my lines, I could steal his.

  Ethan leaned on the doorjamb and watched with amusement. “While this is entertaining, we don’t have time,” he said, glancing at Levi in his jeans and t-shirt. “Do you have formalwear with you by any chance?”

  “I’m sure he has a tux wedged up his butt since he’s a huge butthole,” I chimed in.

  Levi laughed. It made my dead heart sing. I played it off and made a face at him. The sound of his happiness did something strange to my insides. With each second spent with the rude Demon, I realized happiness hadn’t been part of his equation. I wasn’t completely sure how I knew, but it was crystal clear. Maybe Satan sent my brother to me so I could heal him somehow.

  That would be a bit magnanimous on the Devil’s part, but he was known to be very nice on occasion. Uncle Fucker would deny it, but I had the idiot’s number.

  “I travel light,” Levi said in an annoyed tone. “However, as I explained to Astrid, I do as told.”

  With a wave of his hand, the jeans and t-shirts disappeared. Leviathan the Demon was now clad from head to toe in Hugo Boss. He was still rude and unacceptable, but he was also pretty and presentable.

  “You clean up nice,” I said.

  “I do,” he replied smugly.

  “And your humility is astounding,” I added.

  “Thank you,” Levi said with a cheeky grin.

  “Wasn’t a compliment.”

  “Yes. I know,” he said. “Why are we dressed like this and who are we trying to impress?”

  Ethan was silent for a long moment. His jaw clenched and he examined my brother as if he were a deadly experiment—which was a possibility. I knew my mate was debating if we were making a mistake by bringing Levi into the fold.

  Levi watched every movement on Ethan’s face.

  Ethan shrugged. “Mistakes have a way of becoming successes,” he said, still staring at Levi. “My brother Wilhem, his paramour, and my sister Anastasia are here for a royal tour. We’ll be hosting them.”

  “How long?” Levi asked the question that was on the tip of my tongue.

  “As little time as possible,” Ethan said shortly. “I have issues unfolding that need my attention.”

  “Would you like to be more specific?” Levi asked casually.

  “No, I would not,” Ethan said politely, yet his tone was icy. “While I don’t feel that you’re here to do harm, I don’t trust you.”

  “Smart,” my brother said. “I’m not to be trusted at all.”

  “Shut up, Wrangler Man,” I said with an eye roll. “You’re a dick, but Satan wouldn’t have sent you here if you wanted to hurt me.”

  Levi’s brows shot up. “You trust the Devil?”

  I leveled him with a gaze that made him uneasy. “With my life. I trust the Arbiter of Evil with my undead existence.”

  Levi whistled and groaned. “You’re more of an idiot than I thought.”

  I laughed. “And you are the dumbest wanker I’ve ever met. Call it even.”

  “As you wish,” Levi replied.

  “Are we done?” Ethan inquired. “We have a party to attend.”

  “Wait. We’re having a party?” I asked, panicked. “I thought it was an intimate little get-together with your siblings.”

  “Trust me,” Ethan said with the tiniest of winces. “It’s far better to be with my brother in a crowd.”

  “Why?” I asked as the three of us made our way down the hall to the Grand Staircase.

  “Easier to get away?” Levi suggested, looking straight ahead.

  Ethan chuckled. “Exactly.”

  Chapter Six

  I watched as Levi took in his surroundings with a guarded expression. The Vampyre compound was grand yet tasteful—very different from Hell, which was grand and tacky. I’d been in awe the first time I’d seen the Cressida House and that never changed.

  The Grand Foyer was impressive. Dark heavy wood gave it a masculine feel, but the huge crystal chandeliers and exquisite floral arrangements in sparkling cut-glass bowls kept it from being too manly. The rugs were handmade, and I knew that just one cost more than my college education. The curtains were a thick brocade and fell like water from windows that were over fifteen feet high. Of course, that was nothing compared to all the real Picassos, Rembrandts, Degas and Monets hanging on the plaster walls.

  While it felt like my home now, I was aware of the opulence. If my brother had an opinion, he kept it to himself.

  “Please tell me this place has a gym,” Levi said.

  “Yep,” I replied. “There’s a gym, a fight training center, a movie theater, and a bowling alley. I’d be happy to kick your butt at bowling and then duke it out in the training center.”

  Levi stiffened then his face went blank. “As you wish,” he replied tonelessly.

  I closed my eyes and wanted to rip my own head off. I’d just thrown down the gauntlet. Levi thought I was no different than all the others who had tried to destroy him.

  “You can punch back,” I said quickly. “Hard. I’m really tough.”

  “I don’t particularly enjoy hitting girls. Not my thing,” he said, looking straight ahead.

  “I’m not a girl,” I insisted, wanting his snarky side to come back. “I’m your sister. I don’t count as a girl.”

  Ethan watched the exchange and stepped in. “Astrid is an excellent sparring partner. She is as skilled as any male—more so. She is also fair and compassionate. I believe you could learn from each other.”

  Levi shrugged. He had closed off. It made me want to cry. However, crying would not be the smartest move since my tears were blood. It would be all kinds of embarrassing to have a blood-stained face in front of people who wanted to see me fail… Speaking of. “Will there be undead press here?”

  “Possibly. The guards have been given instructions to keep them out, but they’re like cockroaches,” Ethan said, still watching Levi. “Regardless, ignore them. They’re assholes.”

  “Fuck,” I muttered under my breath.

  Levi glanced over. “What?”

  “Nothing,” I said. “I just hate the Vampyre rag magazines and the feeling is mutual.”

  He nodded curtly and said nothing more.

  We stood outside of the massive door to the Grand Ballroom and waited for our entrance.

  “Feeling wanky,” I said, bouncing on my toes and making sure my black Prada cocktail dress was pristine and my crown was securely on my head. The seventy-five or so Vamps who lived at the compound liked me—or at least respected me. However, I was sure there would be many in attendance who did not.

  “Why wanky?” Levi inquired, giving me a side glance. “You’re wearing a damn crown. Doesn’t that just say it all?”

  “Up yours,” I snapped. “It’s for good luck. I’m about to enter a room where most of the inhabitants want me dead.”

  “Call me crazy,” Levi shot back, “but as far as I can tell, you already are.”

  “Not helping,” I hissed.

  “Not trying,” he replied. “How am I doing with that?”

  “Fantastic,” I shot back with a grin, happy his rudeness was back.

  “Enough, unless you want everyone to hear you. We’re dealing with Vampyre hearing,” Ethan reminded both of us. “We’ll be announced when we enter. After the applause, we will go directly to the throne. Our guests will be presented to us.”

  “Over the top much?” Levi muttered.

  I actually agreed, but I was on Ethan’s side here. Not my dicky brother’s.

  “Umm… do we knock?” I asked.

  “No,” Ethan said, winking at me. “We wait.”

  We hadn’t hosted a formal royal gathering yet. The members of Ethan’s family who I knew, I adored. They were easy and loving—and deadly, but that was a giv
en in our world. This new twist was going to give me hives. I was a very un-princess-y Princess. Hell, several years ago I was a human art teacher to senior citizens. Royalty wasn’t my thing. However, Ethan was my thing, and I would die for him. Lots of baggage came with the deal, but it was a small price to pay for unconditional love… and insanely amazing sex.

  Plus, having my asshat of a brother narrating my insecurities wasn’t helping.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have worn the crown. It was a bit much. It felt as if I was playing a role that didn’t quite fit.

  Maybe I could hide it in a potted plant…

  The doors swung open and hundreds of pairs of eyes turned expectantly.

  Crap. Too late.

  My stomach clenched, but I plastered a smile on my face and held my obnoxiously jeweled head high. I was more powerful than anyone in the room. They knew it and I knew it. However, I still felt like the outsider at the cool kids’ party.

  “Holy shit,” Levi muttered with a laugh. “This is apparently the place to be.”

  “Or not,” I said, discreetly elbowing him. “You’re one Demon amongst about four hundred undead. Not good odds for you.”

  “Not worried,” he replied easily. “My little sister will protect me.”

  My stomach danced with happy butterflies at his words. I glanced over at him to see if he was serious. I wasn’t sure. Levi had his bored game face on. However, he was correct. I would incinerate anyone who messed with him. I was already unpopular. I may as well cement my reputation by defending a Demon.

  “The Prince and Princess have arrived,” a kiss-ass, uppity Vamp who I didn’t recognize announced. “I present to you Ethan, Vampyre Prince of the North American Dominion, and Astrid, Vampyre Princess of the North American Dominion.”

  “Astrid is also the Chosen One,” Ethan reminded the bloodthirsty assemblage.

  All bowed their heads in reverence. Levi snickered. I flipped him off while the Vamps’ eyes were lowered. Ethan shot both of us a look.

  “And your guest?” the Vamp inquired, raising his head and staring with barely disguised disgust at Levi.

  If the dead man lived here, he would be finding a new residence and job very soon. No one was going to make my brother feel less than.

  “Wrangler,” Levi said before Ethan or I could get a word out. “Lord Wrangler Tough Skins.”

  Ethan’s eyes grew wide for a millisecond. I bit down on my lip so I wouldn’t laugh. Levi kept beating me at my own game. Truth be told, he was kicking my undead ass. Second truth… I wasn’t bothered one little bit.

  The Vampyre who announced us looked terribly confused and glanced at Ethan for confirmation.

  “You heard the man,” Ethan said in an icy tone, which made the Vampyre pale. “Announce him.”

  “Yes, yes, of course, my Liege,” the pompous asshat stuttered. “Accompanying the Prince and Princess is umm… Lord Wrangler Tough Skins.”

  The smattering of applause was punctuated by shocked whispers. Lord Wrangler grinned and nodded to the masses. It took everything I had to look royal and sophisticated as we made our way into the room. My Jimmy Choo stilettos clicked and echoed on the marble floor. I made eye contact with no one as Ethan took my arm and led the way. Lord Dummy Head Dungarees followed behind. Even though I couldn’t see him, I was very aware he was still grinning. His amusement with himself was delightful to me and calmed my nerves.

  For a moment, I wondered if that was why Levi had done it. No. Wishful thinking wasn’t going to get me anywhere fast. I was fairly sure the Demon didn’t hate me—he just didn’t like me… yet.

  When I was determined, I didn’t lose.

  “Do we sit or stand?” I whispered to Ethan. “And does the dude at the door work here?”

  “We do what we want,” he said under his breath, acknowledging the guests who were bowing to us. “And yes, he’s a new member of the Cressida House.”

  “Am I to join you?” Levi inquired from behind. “Might not be the best plan.”

  “Stay to the left of the dais,” Ethan instructed. “Near enough to Astrid to deflect anyone who gets too close.”

  “Roger that,” Levi said.

  I glanced up at Ethan and rolled my eyes. “I’m capable of defending myself,” I reminded him tightly. “I’m pretty unkillable—basically a walking death machine.”

  “As am I,” Levi chimed in. “Doesn’t stop the stupid from wanting to have a go at me.”

  “Exactly,” Ethan agreed.

  The crowd parted as we made our way across the Grand Ballroom. The opulence of the foyer paled in comparison to the ballroom. Vampyres were definitely over the top. The sheer amount of crystal, priceless art, designer gowns and expensive jewels in the room was absurd. The fact that I didn’t recognize most in attendance was unnerving. Although, they seemed more curious than judgmental.

  “Where did all these dead people come from?” I asked Ethan mentally as we stepped up onto the dais and stood in front of our thrones. I was seriously hesitant to sit on it after my dream. Having my ass glued to an oversized velvet chair wasn’t my idea of a good time. “Are they local?”

  Mind speak was a nifty trick we had as mates. It would certainly come in handy this evening.

  “All over North America,” he said. “A royal tour is rare. Hasn’t been one in a few centuries.”

  I did spot my buddy Paris Hilton in the crowd. She was with others from the Cressida House. They waved and blew kisses. I grinned and waved back. However, the unknown far outweighed the known at this gathering.

  “Where are your brother and sister?” I asked, scanning the crowd for a man and a woman who resembled my mate.

  Wilhem and Anastasia wouldn’t necessarily look like Ethan. While the royal children shared the same father, they had different mothers. Back in the day, it was normal for a King to have many wives. Thankfully we were no longer back in the day. That would not have worked for me. Sharing Ethan wasn’t going to happen. I was the possessive type. Ethan was worse than I was. Our obsession with each other was intense.

  “They’ll be announced shortly.”

  “Is Lord Idiot safe in here? While he’s a complete dick, I’d like to have a chance to get to know my brother and force him to like me. I’m extremely likable. And we still don’t know why Uncle Fucker sent him.”

  “No one is stupid enough to go at a guest of mine in my presence,” Ethan assured me. “It would be the very last thing they did.”

  “If anyone goes for Wrangler Asshat, they’re mine. While I understand it might not be good form to decapitate company, I’m prepared to do it. I don’t think Blue Jean Snarky Butthole has had it easy. From now on, I have his obnoxious back,” I told Ethan. “And speaking of backs… I wouldn’t mind throwing you on yours and riding you like a cowboy after the party.”

  “Excuse me,” Levi chimed in, causing me to almost fall off the dais in shock. “I can hear you. So, you might want to cut back on the nicknames and the cowboy obsession. Not to mention, I can take care of myself. I do not need a dead girl wearing a crown running to my rescue.”

  “Shitballs,” I internally squealed. “It’s not possible for you to hear me. Can you hear Ethan too?”

  “Yep—the impossible is always possible. Do not forget that,” Levi said. “You’re the loudest fucking thinker and talker I have ever come across. It’s incredibly annoying.”

  “Ethan,” I hissed, keeping a smile on my face for the crowd. “Denim Jackhole Face can hear us.”

  “Caught that—rather inconvenient,” he replied dryly. “I’d suggest you keep it nonsexual. Might get uncomfortable.”

  “Please,” Levi said with a moan of disgust. “There’s only so much a Demon can take.”

  “You really are an assbag,” I told him.

  “Your point?” Levi asked.

  “No point. Simply a very accurate observation.”

  “Nicely played,” Levi congratulated me. “I do believe your guests of honor have arrived.”

  He
was correct. At the entrance of the ballroom were three of the most beautiful Vampyres I’d ever seen. Wilhem was tall, broad and darkly handsome. His tux was impeccably cut, and he reeked of power. His eyes went immediately to his brother. He nodded and winked. Wilhem’s gaze landed on me next, and he gave me a friendly nod of respect. I returned the greeting.

  Maybe he wasn’t as much of an asshole as described.

  The one I guessed to be his gal pal, due to the fact she had barnacled herself to the Vampyre in an act of ownership, had chocolate-brown hair, lovely pale skin and piercing green eyes. Her Chanel dress was the same green as her eyes. She had an unusual scar running from the side of her left eye to the corner of her full lips. On anyone else it would look unfortunate, but not her. It somehow made her more mysterious and alluring… and fragile.

  “Uh oh,” I said. “Wilhem’s consort is a girly girl.”

  “Looks that way,” Ethan agreed. “He tends to go for the helpless damsels in distress.”

  The woman was small in stature, but that meant nothing. I’d seen Vamps smaller than her do extreme damage.

  “Means he has a small dick,” Levi interjected.

  I literally choked on my spit trying not to laugh. Ethan didn’t hold back and just let it rip. He received a few strange glances, but he was the Vampyre Prince. He could do whatever the hell he wanted. Many joined in on his laughter with no clue why.

  “Are you going to narrate the shitshow with inappropriate comments all night?” I asked Lord Wrangler Tough Skins.

  “Yes.”

  “Mmkay, good to know,” I replied. Honestly, I was glad. It would make the evening go much faster.

  I wasn’t crazy about women who didn’t hold their own, but Wilhem’s gal pal wasn’t my problem. She was Ethan’s brother’s problem. And hopefully they wouldn’t be staying long.

  However, it was Anastasia who I found the most riveting. She scanned the crowd and rolled her eyes. I wanted to laugh but figured I’d save it. She was as blonde as Ethan and had blazingly bright sapphire-blue eyes. Her lips were full, and her cheekbones could cut glass. Anastasia stood about six feet tall in her heels and had a knockout figure. I coveted her hot pink Dolce and Gabbana dress. The gorgeous Vampyre clearly didn’t suffer fools if her attitude was anything to go by. Ethan’s earlier assessment was correct. I already knew I was going to like Anastasia.