Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14

by Peterman , Robyn

  “Repeat it,” I said.

  Satan raised his palm and began to read.

  “Wait,” I said, squinting at him. “Did you write the message on your hand?”

  “Maybe,” Satan replied cagily.

  “Do you even know what the message means?”

  Satan inhaled slowly, then blew the breath out even slower. It was terrifying. “Nooooooo,” he snapped. “I have no fucking idea what it means. Elle gave me a few clues before I left Hell to steal your office supplies that don’t exist. I wrote them on my hand so I wouldn’t forget them. I have a lot on my fucking mind right now with trying to bribe my son to love me.”

  “Bond,” I corrected him.

  “What?” he asked, confused.

  “You’re not bribing Luke. You’re bonding with him,” I reminded the idiot.

  “Right,” he agreed quickly. “Bonding with bribery. I put my own twist on it.”

  I nodded and swallowed my giggle. A tiger didn’t change its stripes and the Devil didn’t follow the rules. It was what it was.

  “So, that’s why you offered the message for free,” I guessed aloud. “It wasn’t from you.”

  Satan glanced down and screamed in horror. “Why didn’t anyone tell me I was wearing a powder-blue fucking conductor outfit?”

  The man had just been blasted with magic that would have killed a regular Immortal and had hit the wall with enough force to leave a huge dent. He’d barely made a sound. However, he screamed like a girl when he noticed his fashion faux pas.

  “It’s cute,” I told him.

  “I don’t do cute,” he hissed, waving his hand and replacing the goofy costume with a custom Armani black suit. “Much more fitting.”

  “I liked the first outfit better,” Levi offered, sitting back down.

  “No one asked you,” Satan said. “And if anyone shares that I’m offering advice that I don’t understand, I will deny it and profanely enhance every room in your palace when I start coming for dinner every Sunday.”

  “We don’t eat dinner. Ever,” I reminded him. “We’re dead.”

  “You’re missing the point entirely,” Satan said, throwing his hands in the air. “The living dead are going to be your ruin. This is not my problem. It’s yours. I’d suggest a little wordplay game. And that is a big fucking hint.”

  “Wordplay with what?” I demanded, wanting to blast him like Levi just had.

  “Figure it out. And that clue I do understand. I’d suggest you work to understand it as well. It might save your undead asses from the ones halfway there.”

  And on that unforgivably cryptic note, the Lord of the Underworld disappeared in enough glittery black magic to choke all of us. There would be leftover sparkles in the office for months.

  “What the hell was that?” Ethan roared, smashing his hands down on his desk and shattering it.

  “It was typical,” Levi said, admiring Ethan’s strength. “I feel the need to beat the hell out of someone. Are you game?”

  “I wish,” Ethan muttered, snatching up the list of names. “I have a few Vampyres to interrogate. Take Astrid. Your sister is completely indestructible, and I’m quite sure she could use the release as well. It will keep her from blowing up the compound.”

  “Correct,” I said, grabbing Levi by the hand and pulling the huge man to his feet. “And besides, I want to talk to you.”

  “It’s talk or fight,” Levi said.

  “I’m a multitasker, motherfucker. We’re gonna do both.”

  “You’re a pain in the ass,” Levi muttered as I led him out of the office.

  “Tell me something I don’t know.” I grinned and yanked him along.

  Something in my heart told me Levi’s story was tragic. And even though my heart didn’t beat anymore, it had grown lately. There was always room in a heart to love more people, and I loved Levi. I was pretty sure Levi wouldn’t want my love. It was clear he didn’t love himself. Loving other people was going to be difficult for him.

  Too bad. So sad.

  He was now stuck with me and my love.

  Lord Wrangler Tough Skins was going to love me back even if I had to beat his ass into realizing it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “No magic. Hand to hand and no death blows allowed,” I instructed as I kicked off my combat boots and removed my crown.

  “Reasonable,” Levi said as he too took off his shoes. “Death blows would be redundant seeing as how you can’t be killed.”

  “True,” I agreed, shrugging out of my jacket and tossing it on the pile. “But you can.”

  “Don’t be so sure,” he said.

  I eyed him curiously. He ignored me and walked out to the middle of the room.

  “You want to explain yourself?” I asked, following him.

  “Nope.”

  The fight training facilities at the Cressida house were top-notch, including a gym with every machine known to man. There was a boxing ring on the far left side and a three-mile circular running track. Right smack in the middle of the cavernous room was an empty area covered in mats for sparring. Sparring was the polite term for Immortals beating the crap out of each other.

  Bleachers flanked the room on both sides. Right now, the training area was empty. It wasn’t surprising since most of the Vamps were in the Situation Room creating a plan of action. While I should be helping, Ethan was correct. The amount of tension inside me made me a ticking time bomb. An hour of violent physical exertion should calm me down.

  There was power in stillness. I walked to the center of the mat and waited. I quietly claimed my space. More often than not, it threw my opponent. It didn’t throw Levi. He did the exact same thing. My adrenaline spiked with excitement. Other than Ethan, I didn’t have many worthy sparring partners.

  Levi grinned.

  I grinned right back.

  Shaking his head, he ran his hands through his dark hair and sighed. “This doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to beat up my newly found, unwanted sister.”

  I bit back a whoop of joy that he’d called me his sister. I ignored the unwanted part. The more he said the word, the closer he was to having to love me, or at least like me.

  “Look at it this way,” I suggested. “Shortly, I’m going after Zombies. Think of this as a warmup session so I can stay focused. It would suck all kinds of ass if I took down the entire state of California. You feel me?”

  “You’re insane,” Levi replied.

  “Yep. Pretty sure you inherited that gene as well.”

  Levi stared at the floor for a long moment then chuckled. “As you wish.”

  The Demon charged me with such speed it almost made him disappear. Almost. With a grunt of determination, I dropped low and moved to the left. Extending my leg, I focused solely on the blur of movement. My moves were as fast as my brother’s. My leg undercut him, sending him hurtling a hundred feet through the air and landing with a profane-laden thud in the bleachers.

  “Excellent,” he shouted, getting up and shaking it off.

  “Thank you.”

  Levi eyed me with delight. “You good with blood and broken bones?”

  “Yep. I heal fast,” I said, my excitement matching his. “Are you partial to your nose?”

  His head tilted to the side. His expression was wary. “No. Why?”

  “Because I’m going to break it.”

  Lord Wrangler Tough Skins’ laugh echoed through the enormous room and made me feel happy and tingly. Granted, we were discussing mutilating each other, but it was the way of our kind. Love and respect came in violent packages in the Immortal world.

  “Good luck with that,” Levi said, moving faster than he had only moments ago.

  “Luck is for pussies,” I hissed as I took the full brunt of his huge frame and landed on my back.

  As Levi was about to pin me, I rolled out from under him, jumped to my feet and gave him a kick to the head that sent him staggering back. The idiot was grinning like a fool. Each blow I threw was met with one as
equally forceful. It was brutally beautiful.

  “You are such a shithat,” I growled as I shoved my shoulder back in the socket after a particularly savage attack.

  “I’m a shithat with an intact nose at the moment,” he pointed out, swiping at the blood pouring from a cut above his eye. “I’d call that a win.”

  “I do believe you’re counting chickens before they hatch, Mr. Blue Jeans.”

  “Yes, but I can eat chickens. You can’t.”

  “Low blow, brother,” I said as my eyes narrowed to slits. They didn’t have far to go, considering both eyes were swollen and blackened at the moment.

  “The truth hurts,” he taunted and raised his middle finger.

  “And so will your pretty nose,” I warned, grinning from ear to ear.

  Levi could indeed move fast, but I was faster. I’d been holding back. My brother never saw me coming. With swift and precise aggression, I jumped him and threw him to his back. His shocked reaction was golden. Before he could retaliate, I elbow slammed him in the face. The crunch was horrifying and wildly satisfying.

  Levi moaned and rolled over, trying to realign his nose and stem the bleeding.

  “Oh my Uncle God,” I gasped out, crawling over to him. “I am so sorry.” A teeny-tiny part of me felt bad but losing would have felt worse.

  However, this time it was me counting my chickens too quickly. I should have known he’d fight dirty. He was a Demon, after all…

  And I was a dumbass of epic proportions.

  His counter-attack was ferocious. We grappled like we were fighting for survival. We rolled and punched. Our bodies were tangled, and at one point, I punched my own head. With a scream of laughter, I remedied my mistake and broke his healing nose a second time.

  “You suck,” he roared with a grunt of laughter, lying in a pool of blood with his hands over his nose.

  “You had enough?” I asked, lying beside him in my own pool of blood.

  “Never, but that was fucking fantastic. You’re a damned machine.”

  “Back at you,” I said, gingerly turning my head to look at him. “You’re a hot mess.”

  “As are you,” he said, looking a bit guilty.

  “Stop,” I insisted, leaning over and readjusting his nose so it healed straight. “If you feel bad, you ruin what was a damn good homicidal bonding experience.

  Levi was quiet as I checked his face over. I stared into his eyes that were mirrors of my own and placed a sweet, sisterly kiss on his blood-smeared forehead.

  “I will answer two of your questions, Astrid,” he said. “Only two.”

  I nodded slowly. I felt lightheaded—not from the loss of blood, from the trust he was showing me in revealing himself.

  “What did Satan mean that you’d chosen your penance?”

  Levi sat up and rested his forehead on his bent knees. “I’m paying for the sins of our father.”

  My stomach roiled with horror. His words were more painful than the physical fight we’d just had. Our father’s sins were unending and grisly. I had so many questions but was only allowed one more. In time, I would learn the whole story.

  “What does that entail?” I whispered.

  He sighed and searched for words. “I burn. I burn in the Basement of Hell. When I get to the point of death, I am healed and then I burn again.”

  “Satan damned you to that?”

  “That’s the third question,” he said, sounding weary. “However, I will give you a pass and answer one more. No, he did not.”

  Knowing the truth wasn’t always a good thing. Fury at the man who I only considered a sperm donor burned inside me like the fire my brother had embraced as his destiny. Demons were an unusual breed. I understood a lot about that half of my heritage but taking on the sins of one’s father was news to me.

  “Then I’m at fault, since I killed him,” I whispered. “Did your penance start when he died?”

  “You are not at fault,” Levi countered flatly. “The bastard made his own bed.”

  “Then why are you lying in it?” I demanded, realizing Satan had sent Levi to me to get him out of his own personal Hell.

  The Devil wasn’t magnanimous, but he was fair. He didn’t agree with what Levi had chosen any more than I did.

  “No more questions,” Levi said, getting to his feet and yanking me to mine. “There are Zombies to kill.” His body went rigid and his demeanor changed. “Well, fuck.”

  Levi’s eyes were drawn across the room. My head jerked in the direction of his gaze.

  Anastasia stood in the doorway of the training room and wiped a bloody tear from her eye. I’d forgotten I had asked her to meet me in the training room for a rematch.

  “How long have you been standing there?” Levi growled.

  “Long enough,” she replied. “I’m sorry.”

  “For?” Levi asked coolly.

  “You,” she said.

  The stare they exchanged made me slightly uncomfortable. What was happening here?

  “Don’t be,” Levi said in a harsh tone. “My existence has nothing to do with your fragile emotions.”

  Anastasia’s mood changed abruptly. Her pity disappeared and she glared at Levi with cold animosity. “My emotions are not fragile, Demon. But apparently yours are.”

  “You know nothing of me,” he hissed.

  “Thank God for small favors,” she muttered.

  The standoff was interrupted by a sweet Vampyre dressed in a hot-pink cape with a large ruby broach at the neck.

  Vinnie held a large box in one hand and waved excitedly with the other. “Am I interrupting?” he asked.

  “No,” I said, glancing between Anastasia and Levi. The dislike was white-hot. “You’re a very welcome distraction right now, Vinnie.”

  “Wonderful!” Vinnie gushed as he floated into the training room and landed right in front of me. “Oh dear.” He gently touched my swollen and bloody face. “Would you care for a bottle of blood to aid in your healing?”

  I really didn’t want to be rude, but the thought of bottled blood was flat-out gross. “Umm… whose blood is it?”

  “Mine of course,” Vinnie said with a smile, placing the box carefully on the floor. “Over the centuries, I’ve developed an enchanted icebox—so to speak. It keeps the blood at a temperature that ensures it doesn’t spoil. I have found that blood ages like fine wine. The older the better—and more powerful.”

  There were so many things wrong with all of his statements, but there was no way I would make the old Vamp feel bad. Just like the puppies he wanted to save, Vinnie was my new stray puppy. Kicking a puppy was not in my repertoire.

  “Maybe later,” I said, trying to let him down gently. “I have some ass to kick on the West Coast.”

  Vinnie ignored me and pulled out a bottle. “Looks like some ass was already kicked,” he pointed out. “And this batch is special. I have heard through the grapevine that you are partial to hot salsa and tortilla chips.”

  “The grapevine?” I asked suspiciously. Was Vinnie a rag magazine reporter?

  “Martha and Jane told me,” he explained.

  “You know Martha and Jane?” I asked, confused.

  Levi chuckled. “Everyone knows Martha and Jane,” he reminded me.

  The old bags certainly got around.

  “Oh yes,” Vinnie confirmed. “I’ve taken a pole-dancing class from the lovely gals—very dangerous, but quite fun.”

  I’d pretty much heard everything now. I had no clue they were running a business on the side endangering lives on a pole.

  Vinnie held the bottle of blood out to me. The sunlight streaming through the large windows caught the glass. It sparkled with magic and called out to me in a strange way.

  Vinnie cleared his throat and bowed. “In honor of you and your compassionate care for our kind, I have created flavored blood. This is chips and extra-hot salsa.”

  “Shut the front fucking door,” I shouted out, staring at the bottle in shock. “For real?”

&nb
sp; “For realsies,” Vinnie said with a giggle. “I’d be happy to taste test before you drink it so you feel comfortable.”

  Anastasia crossed the room quickly and stared at the bottle with as much fascination as I did.

  “Is there food in it?” she asked, confused.

  “No, no, no,” Vinnie assured her. “Magic.”

  I was wildly tempted, but I had a seriously full and deadly agenda for the rest of the day. I couldn’t risk being in the fetal position for a week.

  “How much blood do you have stored?” Anastasia questioned.

  “Several thousand bottles in my warehouse,” Vinnie told her. “All different flavors. Of course, there is straight blood as well for those who prefer it.”

  Levi had turned a little green with all the blood talk. Demons didn’t drink blood. They freaking got to eat food. My brother had no clue how exciting this was to Anastasia and me. It was a game changer.

  “Fuck it,” I said. Taking the bottle from Vinnie, I opened it and gave it a sniff. It smelled heavenly.

  Anastasia’s eyes grew wide as I lifted the bottle to my lips. If the blood tasted like it smelled and didn’t make me grow another head, it was a win. While I was aware that I was living on the edge, my gut instinct told me it was fine to drink Vinnie’s invention. My gut was what I always followed in tricky situations. It hadn’t led me wrong yet.

  Hopefully, today wasn’t the day I’d have to eat my words. At the very least, I knew it wouldn’t kill me. Being a True Immortal came in handy at times like these.

  “Cheers,” I said to the group as I took a sip.

  My knees went weak. My throat burned with the gorgeous tingle from the jalapeno and siracha in the salsa. The salty flavor of the chips followed. Sipping was for weenies. I gulped down the rest of the bottle and held my hand out for another. Vinnie quickly obliged.

  Twelve seconds and three bottles later, I stopped myself and waited to see if I was going to jackknife forward in excruciating agony. Anastasia’s eyes were huge, and Levi’s fists were clenched at his sides. He wasn’t sure what to do. Only Vinnie was calm and happy.

  “You like it?” Vinnie inquired as his eyes sparkled.