Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14

by Peterman , Robyn

  “Excuse me, Carolinainnia,” I called out.

  “It’s Catriona,” she hissed.

  “My bad,” I said, stepping forward. “I’m putting you on notice. You’re being charged with creating Zombies. Not only did you create Zombies, you half-turned a child. That crime alone is punishable by death.”

  “Ludicrous,” she said, throwing her head back and laughing. “Absolute rubbish.”

  Wilhem made his first move. Slowly turning his head, he narrowed his eyes at his psychotic gal pal. “You created the Zombies? You didn’t tell me that.”

  Even the army seemed surprised.

  “Of course not,” she snapped. “Your brother has no control of his people.”

  “Bring out the reporters,” Ethan instructed Jax. “I do believe there might be an interesting story unfolding.”

  “Yes, my Liege,” Jax said with a grin and a respectful bow.

  “You can’t win,” Catriona hissed at Ethan. “Your people have turned on you. It’s time for you to step down and let a real leader take the helm.”

  “Is that you or Wilhem?” I asked. “You’re not even his mate.”

  “It’s us, and we will become mates right now,” she said shrilly, realizing she might have forgotten a few important pieces in her climb to the top.

  The explosion of black glitter shocked me and sent all of us hurtling back about twenty feet. I hoped to hell and back that Wilhem wasn’t a pile of ash. I was going to kick Lizard’s ass for such a stupid and dangerous entrance. I didn’t think he was that out of control and idiotic.

  “Who thought it would be hilarious to give me a goddamned box of sphincters?” Satan roared.

  Lizard wasn’t idiotic. The Devil was. Lizard wasn’t even here. The Devil had come solo… kind of. Thankfully, Wilhem was still alive. He had moved away from Catriona. His entire army was now confused and alarmed.

  It wasn’t every day that Satan showed up at a farked-up Vampyre gathering shouting about giftwrapped buttholes. Even Carolinainnia seemed unsure what to do.

  Uncle Fucker held a giggling Sarah in his arms. She was twisting his hair into tiny ponytails, and he was letting her. It was jaw-dropping.

  “Answer me,” he demanded, looking around in confusion. “Wait. What the fuck is happening here?”

  “How many times have I told you not to take your brother’s name in vain?” Mother Nature shouted, stomping out of the front door of the Cressida House completely naked.

  Slapping my hand over my mouth, I swallowed my scream. I had told her to leave immediately. I suppose she took me at my word.

  “For the love of everything needing eye bleach,” Satan screamed, putting his free hand over his eyes. “Put some clothes on, Mother.”

  “Astrid needed me,” she snapped, whacking the Devil in the back of the head, then ruffling Sarah’s hair affectionately. “I happened to be naked. What can I say? I love my family. Sue me.”

  “Would that work?” Satan asked, peeking through his fingers.

  “It would not,” she informed him. “Now what seems to be the issue?”

  Snapping my fingers, I dressed my naked grandmother in a peach satin robe trimmed in marabou and sequins. Her nudity was a bit distracting.

  “Ohhhh,” she squealed, glancing down. “I look ravishing in this.”

  “You’re welcome, Gigi,” I said, stepping forward and giving her a hug. “And thank you for coming… naked.”

  The arrival of two of the most powerful beings in the Universe had thrown a little kink in Carolinainnia’s plans. However, there was still justice to be served.

  “You are very welcome, sweetheart. What can I help you with?” she asked, twirling around with delight.

  “Actually, I think we have it covered now,” I told her. “We’re getting ready to have a little trial.”

  “I love the sentencing part,” Satan announced grandly. “Did I miss it?”

  “No,” Ethan said, looking curiously at the child in Satan’s arms. “You did not. Matthew and David, please bring out chairs for our esteemed jury.”

  “I get to be on the jury?” Mother Nature squealed. “How exciting!”

  “Jesus Christ,” Satan said. “I’m excited too. Normally, I’m the judge, jury and executioner. It will be outstanding not to have to carry the entire load for once.”

  “First you take your brother’s name in vain and now your nephew,” Mother Nature hissed, smacking the Devil once again. “I’ve had about enough out of you. Astrid, darling, who’s on trial this lovely afternoon?”

  “The Prince of the North American Dominion,” Catriona said, bowing to Mother Nature and Satan. “He has let Zombies overrun his Dominion, and it’s time for him to be removed.”

  “Interesting,” Mother Nature said, glancing over at me with a raised and perfectly plucked brow. Turning her attention back to Catriona, she smiled. However, the smile did not reach her eyes. “And who might you be?”

  “I am your humble servant, Catriona, your most high and mighty Goddess of beauty,” she replied, kissing ass like a champion.

  I was pretty sure Catriona hadn’t done all of her homework. If she had, she’d have known that Mother Nature—the most high and mighty Goddess of beauty—was also my grandmother. Her investigative skills were sorely lacking. She’d discovered one of my grandmothers and tried to destroy her. She’d missed the one who could take her out with her little pinkie.

  Too fucking bad. Not sad at all.

  “Actually, Grandmother,” I said to emphasize my relationship to one of the most powerful beings in the universe. Wilhem’s power-hungry consort blanched. Absolutely satisfying. “Catriona is on trial for creating Zombies and trying to overthrow the North American Dominion with deceit and lies.

  “You have no proof,” Catriona snapped.

  “And that’s where you’re wrong, bitch,” Anastasia said, dragging a terrified Walter out by the scruff of his undead neck. Dropping him to the ground at her feet, she towered over him. Her glare was vicious, and the sniveling piece of crap trembled like he was freezing to death. “Talk. Now.”

  I had no clue what Anastasia had done to Walter, but whatever it was, it had worked. The pinch-faced little asshat started singing like a bird.

  The reporters’ eardrums had clearly healed. They were taking notes and sketching the action with malicious glee.

  “It was that woman who was telling me what to say to the magazines,” Walter said, pointing at Catriona. “She was paying me to tell lies. But I didn’t know she was creating the Zombies. I swear on my undead life.”

  “I don’t know that man,” Catriona insisted as her fair-weather army began to back away.

  Anastasia smiled. It was terrifying. Satan and Levi were wildly impressed. “Actually, you do,” she contradicted her, passing around documents with photographic proof of checks to Walter that had come from a South American bank account bearing Catriona’s name.

  “Stupid and murderous,” I muttered, scanning the incriminating paper trail.

  “Is this exhibit A?” Mother Nature asked with a giggle. “I’ve always wanted to say that. I sound so professional.”

  “Sure,” Anastasia said, winking at Mother Nature. “Thank you for clarifying.”

  “You are most welcome, beautiful child. If anyone has legal questions, I’m the go-to gal. I watch Law and Order.”

  Satan rolled his eyes, but smartly kept his trap shut. He’d already been smacked by his mother twice.

  Wilhem eyed the documents. His shoulders drooped in mortification. I didn’t feel sorry for him. A monster had to be created. He had given her the permission to create herself. Not only had he let his army get away from him, he’d apparently sold his balls, too.

  “Forgery,” Catriona snarled. “Fake news. This proves nothing.”

  Levi sighed dramatically and whispered something in Satan’s ear. Uncle Fucker was ecstatic that Levi was speaking to him, but whatever he told the Devil made our uncle furious. Looking down at the precious little
girl in his arms, he waved his hand over her head. Glistening black magic floated around Sarah, and she ran her little hands through the silky mist. Whispering in her ear, Satan asked her a question.

  She reached up and patted his cheek with adoration, then pointed at Catriona.

  Catriona’s eyes grew huge and she backed away in shock. Clearly, she hadn’t recognized the child she’d sentenced to death until now.

  “My little friend Sarah says you are the Vampyre who half-turned her and fated her to an existence worse than death,” Satan said in a tone that silenced everyone.

  “Impossible,” Catriona said with a brittle and terrified laugh. “That child is not a Zombie.”

  “But she was,” I said, moving to stand next to Satan and Sarah. “Up until a few hours ago, this beautiful little girl—who means the world to me, as you know—was a Zombie.”

  “You lie,” Catriona snarled, glancing around wildly for someone to save her. She was shit out of luck.

  “I don’t lie,” I said in an icy tone. “I have many bad qualities but lying isn’t one of them.”

  “The only way to kill a Zombie is by beheading it,” Catriona insisted. “That child could not have been a Zombie. She is alive. Fake news.”

  “A Zombie is merely a half-turned Vampyre,” I pointed out, pacing back and forth and making eye contact with the crowd like on Law and Order. “To eliminate a Zombie, you definitely could behead them… or…”

  “You’re doing great! The dramatic pause is fabu,” Mother Nature whispered loudly. “Just like a real lawyer.”

  I nodded at her and tried not to grin. Grinning wasn’t lawyerly. “Or you complete the turn.”

  I heard a few gags and many of the Vamps in attendance paled to the point of looking translucent.

  “You bit a Zombie?” one of Wilhem’s generals asked. “You bit a Zombie to save the Vampyre inside?”

  “I did,” I replied. “It was fucking gross, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. It is inhumane to half-turn a human. It should be against the law. However, turning a child is against the law.”

  “She’s five years old,” Catriona ground out as her former allies began to hiss and gnash their fangs. “It’s the word of a child over the word of the Princess of the South American Dominion.”

  “Not my mate,” Wilhem said flatly. “Not my mate and never will be my mate.”

  Before Catriona could have a meltdown at the new turn of events, justice was served in a way that I never would have imagined.

  “Is it my turn?” Sarah asked Satan, placing her hands on either side of his face and kissing his nose.

  Satan smiled. He was besotted with her. “Would you like it to be your turn?”

  “Yes!”

  “Then I decree that it is indeed your turn,” Satan told her.

  Sarah turned and faced Catriona. Catriona hissed and grabbed a sword from one of her retreating men. She wielded the weapon with the ease of a very trained killer.

  Sarah laughed. It was not pretty, and it wasn’t innocent. It was fucking terrifying. “An eye for an eye,” she said.

  Five seconds ago, Sarah was a giggling child. Now she was an old soul who understood far more than a typical five-year-old should.

  “An eye for an eye,” Sarah repeated, floating off of Satan’s lap and into the air.

  “It’s a justifiable argument,” Mother Nature chimed in. “Nice twist on the action.”

  “Umm… not on my watch,” I said, moving to pull Sarah out of the air and take her to safety. I instantly regretted my decision to bring her here. It had taken a turn with risks I was unwilling to live with.

  I was too late.

  I wasn’t running the show. Sarah was. And her power almost knocked me off my feet.

  “An eye for an eye,” Sarah yelled, zipping through the air with such speed, she disappeared momentarily.

  In a blur of golden Heavenly light mixed with dark Demon magic, my five-year-old Nana took revenge on the woman who had killed her. Literally. Catriona’s piercing scream as Sarah’s small hands removed her head echoed in the stunned silence. It was fast. It was efficient. It was bloody. And it was done.

  Emotionlessly, Sarah tossed the severed head to the ground. It rolled to Wilhem’s feet. He kicked it. There was a tense moment as we watched Wilhem’s men try to figure out what to do next. To say it was traumatic to watch a beautiful little girl gleefully tear the head off of the Vampyre who’d tried to sentence her to an unholy existence would be an understatement. I was pretty sure I was going to need some therapy after today, and I was positive Sarah would need to chat with a shrink.

  The uncertainty in the air was thick. Satan was thrilled with the unrest. Sarah was cuddled back on his lap. He had conjured up a box of popcorn that he shared with a transfixed Mother Nature. Ethan and I stepped forward. The entire Elite Guard drew their weapons. If a coup was in the works, it was going to occur now.

  “Spare Wilhem if you can,” Ethan said as his fangs dropped. He pulled a katana from his scabbard. “The rest can burn in Hell if they attack.”

  “Stand down,” Wilhem shouted to his men. “If you are with me, show me. If you are not, you are free to leave. Now.”

  Half of his men disappeared. The other half went to their knee in reverence of their Prince. It was pathetic.

  “Wilhem has a few problems on his hands,” I told Ethan.

  “He most certainly does. He made his own bed. Now he has to lie in it.”

  Ethan addressed his devastated and hollowed-out brother. “You are not welcome here. Take your army and leave at once.”

  “I’m sorry, my brother,” Wilhem whispered. “I didn’t know.”

  “Irrelevant,” Ethan ground out. “A true leader bears the sins of his people. Your sins are many. Go now before I am forced to make you leave. Trust me, you do not want that to happen.”

  Anastasia took her place on the other side of Ethan and stared at Wilhem emotionlessly.

  “Et tu, Brute?” Wilhem asked his sister.

  Anastasia’s gaze narrowed dangerously. “I should be asking you that question,” she said coldly. “Your fall from grace is astounding… and tragic.”

  “I expect this will be reported to the King,” Wilhem said, holding his head high with effort.

  “Indeed, it will,” Ethan told him. “By you. Immediately.”

  Wilhem nodded jerkily. “It shall be done posthaste.”

  Turning to his remaining men, the broken man strode into the middle of the group. “We shall return home. Now.”

  In a flash of magic laced with defeat, Wilhem and his army disappeared. In the breeze from the mass exodus, the ashes of Catriona vanished as well. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

  “Well, that was fun,” Mother Nature trilled, standing up from her chair and clapping her hands. “I give all of the lawyers an A plus! The case was riveting. The bad girl was quite evil. The punishment was positively inspired. However, the popcorn could have used a little more butter,” she said, eyeing Satan with a smirk. “And now it’s time for Sarah and me to leave.”

  “Whoa,” I said, holding my hands up. “I’m going to raise Sarah. She’s mine. She’s Nana reincarnated.”

  “I know, darling! Isn’t that just wonderful,” Gigi sang, ignoring most of what I’d just said.

  “Actually,” Satan cut in, still cradling a now sleeping Sarah in his arms. “I was thinking Elle and I should raise her with Luke. The child has Demon in her as well as Vampyre.”

  “How?” I asked, not completely taken by surprise. After the semi-Demonic beheading of Catriona, I suspected there was more to Sarah than met the naked eye.

  Satan shrugged. “Not a clue, but she does. I think it would be smarter to let me have her. She’ll need to be taught to control her dark magic,”

  “I can do that,” I shot back. “She’s my Nana. I saved her. She’s mine.”

  “Mine,” Satan snapped.

  “Nope,” I growled. “Mine.”

  “Enough,” Mother
Nature admonished both of us. “Sarah belongs to no one but herself. She is a true child of the Universe. And because of that, I am the one to guard her and keep her safe until the time comes for her to go to a full Vampyre and a full Demon.”

  “I’m both,” I said triumphantly, flipping Uncle Fucker the bird. “That means I’ll get her back.”

  “Astrid, darling,” Mother Nature said, pointing a very manicured finger my way. “You didn’t hear me. I said a full Demon and a full Vampyre. You know… like Anastasia and Levi. They would be perfect.”

  “Umm… nope,” Levi said quickly. “No can do.”

  “No way,” Anastasia insisted just as fast. “I do not work well with Demons.”

  “And I will never be beholden to a Vampyre,” Levi added.

  “Plus, he’s a dick,” Anastasia muttered.

  “And she’s a nightmare,” Levi said, not wanting the Vampyre to have the last word.

  Anastasia whipped around and shot Levi a nasty glare. “Asshole.”

  “Pompous bloodsucker,” he said with a lazy grin that clearly made her want to smack it right off his face if Anastasia’s hiss of fury was anything to go by.

  “Excellent,” Mother Nature said. “We have a deal. After Sarah’s training in Nirvana, guardianship shall be awarded to the Asshole and the Pompous Bloodsucker.”

  Both Levi and Anastasia’s mouths hung open.

  As much as I wanted to raise my Nana myself, I knew she would be loved and taken care of by Gigi, and eventually Levi and Anastasia. The tension between Asshole and the Bloodsucker had been lit by intense desire. Hopefully, it would turn to love. Only time would tell. As crazy as Mother Nature was, she knew what she was doing.

  And maybe she was right about me not raising Sarah. I had too many preconceived notions of who she was… I might not give her the room to become who she would grow to be.

  “Can I visit her?” I asked as Ethan put his arms around me from behind and rested his chin on my head.

  “As much as you would like, sweetheart,” Mother Nature said, gently taking the child from Satan. “Sarah, it’s time to go to Nirvana. Would you like to say goodbye to your friends?”

  “Do you have puppies in Nirvana?” Sarah inquired, twisting her small fingers into Mother Nature’s wild red curls.