Don't Ask Alice

by Judi Curtin

  ‘Well?’ she said.

  I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.

  Alice folded her arms and looked at me carefully.

  ‘OK,’ she said. ‘You’ve got twenty-four hours to think of a way of getting Dad together with Miss O’Herlihy, and if you can’t think of anything, I go back to plan A, and do something really bold.’

  Now what was I supposed to do?

  This was awful. Just when everything seemed to be going so well, Alice had to start plotting and scheming again. I felt sorry for her, really I did. I knew it couldn’t be much fun having your parents separated. I so wished that life around Alice could be simple again – just like it used to be.

  The bell for end of lunchtime rang, and for once in my life, I was really glad to hear it. I started to walk towards our classroom. Alice raced after me, and grabbed my arm.

  ‘Twenty-four hours. OK?’

  I nodded slowly.

  ‘OK.’

  What else could I say?

  Chapter seven

  Twenty-four hours later, Alice and I were back in the same corner of the playground, behind the same shed. I felt like one of the lead characters in a very bad movie.

  ‘Well,’ she said, ‘Let’s hear your great plan.’

  I played for time.

  ‘How do you know I have a great plan?’

  She laughed.

  ‘I know you won’t let me down. You never let me down. You’re my very best friend.’

  Sometimes being Alice’s best friend seemed like a very big responsibility, and an awful lot of hard work. I’d hardly slept the night before, racking my brains for a good plan. In the end, the plan I came up with wasn’t really that good at all. It was just OK, but at least it was better than Alice’s stupid idea.

  Alice was waiting.

  ‘Well?’ she said again.

  I tried to sound confident. ‘You know how our class is going on that trip to Fota Wildlife Park next week?’

  Alice nodded.

  ‘And Miss O’Herlihy said she’d like a parent or two to come along to help supervise?’

  This time Alice was smiling as she nodded.

  ‘Why don’t you ask your dad to come along?’

  Alice hugged me.

  ‘That’s brilliant. Dad and Miss O’Herlihy get to spend a whole day together, and I won’t even have to get into trouble.’

  Now I was starting to get enthusiastic. It wasn’t like me.

  ‘And at the end of the day, when they are all friendly, you could tell your dad that you think Miss O’Herlihy fancies him, and you could persuade him to ask her out for coffee or something.’

  Alice hugged me again.

  ‘Thanks Meg. That’s brilliant. We’ll get him to take her out somewhere really nice. I’ll tell Mum all about it. She’ll get jealous, so she’ll dive in and try to save her marriage. Simple.’

  I tried to smile. With Alice, nothing was ever simple. But still, maybe I could hope that this plan wouldn’t turn out to be a total disaster.

  * * *

  Just before we went home that day, Miss O’Herlihy said,

  ‘Don’t forget our trip to Fota is next Tuesday. Has anyone asked their mum or dad if they’d like to come along?’

  Chloe put up her hand,

  ‘I asked my mum, Miss.’

  I could see Miss O’Herlihy’s face go kind of stiff. I knew why. Chloe’s mum is always coming in to school causing trouble and giving out about stupid stuff.

  ‘And what did your mum say, Chloe?’

  Chloe looked kind of sad.

  ‘She said she’d sooner eat her own leg than go on a bus trip with a gang of rowdy kids.’

  Everyone laughed except Chloe. The poor girl didn’t even realise that things like that really shouldn’t be repeated to teachers.

  Just then Alice put up her hand,

  ‘My dad said he’d love to come, Miss,’ she said.

  Miss O’Herlihy smiled at her.

  ‘That’s very nice of him.’

  Alice smiled back.

  ‘Well, he loves animals, so he’d be perfect. He could tell us all about them.’

  I sighed. Why did Alice always have to get carried away? As far as I knew, her dad knew nothing at all about animals. In all the time I’d known that family they’d never had as much as a goldfish as a pet. And once, when there was a mouse in their kitchen, Alice’s dad jumped up on the table and screamed until Alice chased the mouse outside with the sweeping brush.

  Miss O’Herlihy looked around the class.

  ‘Anyone else think their mum or dad would like to come with us?’

  I knew for sure that my mum would love to come. It would be her perfect day. She’d bore everyone with talk about endangered animals, and she’d be a total embarrassment. So I put my head down and said nothing.

  * * *

  Mean Alice waited until I was in her dad’s house that evening before surprising him.

  She picked her moment when he was engrossed in a documentary on TV.

  ‘Dad?’ she said.

  He didn’t even look up.

  ‘What, love?’

  ‘Do you think you could take a day off work next Tuesday?’

  He still didn’t look at her.

  ‘Well, I don’t really know. Why? Is it for something important?’

  Alice nodded.

  ‘Yes, it’s something really, really, really important.’

  He looked at her for a second.

  ‘What could be all that important?’ he asked, before looking back at the TV.

  ‘It’s our class trip to Fota Wildlife Park, and I told Miss O’Herlihy you’d come with us.’

  Now he looked at her properly.

  ‘Why on earth did you do that?’

  Alice put on a really sad face.

  ‘Because now that we’re in sixth class, it’s our last trip ever. And I missed most of the year because of being in Dublin. And Mum can’t come because she’s too busy. And it would make it really special for me if you came.’

  Now Peter looked kind of sad too.

  ‘Well, maybe I could take the day off,’ he said. ‘We’re not all that busy at the moment. Are there other parents going?’

  Alice nodded.

  ‘Oh, lots. Meg’s dad is probably going too.’

  I made a face at her behind Peter’s back. Why did she have to drag my dad into it? My dad would be a bit like Chloe’s mum, he’d probably prefer to eat his leg than come with us. Best not to say that to Peter, though. He looked at me.

  ‘Is your dad really going?’ he asked.

  I could feel my face going red.

  ‘Well, he hopes to,’ I mumbled. ‘But he’s not sure yet. He might have an important meeting.’

  Just then the TV documentary got to an exciting bit, with loads of shouting and slamming doors. Alice stood between Peter and the television.

  ‘Well, Dad,’ she said. ‘Will you come?’

  He pushed her aside gently.

  ‘Sure, whatever, just move out of the way for a minute.’

  Alice hugged him.

  ‘That’s great, Dad. Thanks. You’ve really made my day.’

  I followed Alice as she skipped out of the room. As soon as we were safely in the hall, she gave me a high-five.

  ‘Ha!’ she said. ‘Step one completed successfully. Dad thinks he’s just agreed to a day out. He doesn’t know that it’s the first step towards a whole new life for our family.’

  I couldn’t share her excitement. Suddenly everything seemed too complicated again. It was all going to end in tears.

  I just knew it.

  Then I had a horrible thought.

  Imagine if Peter did ask Miss O’Herlihy out?

  And imagine if she said yes?

  And imagine if they got on really, really well?

  And imagine if they fell in love?

  How gross would that be?

  Would this be the time that Alice finally went too far?

  Anywa
y, there was nothing I could do. The plan had already started, and for once, I couldn’t blame Alice.

  This time it was already half my fault.

  Chapter eight

  You couldn’t really say that the trip to Fota Island was a total disaster.

  It was much worse than that.

  First Alice’s dad showed up at school in really gross shorts, and a revolting purple and green striped t-shirt. That was bad enough, but even worse was the fact that he wasn’t wearing runners and sports socks like a normal person. Instead he was wearing thick, brown sandals with socks under them – green and grey stripy socks like someone’s grandad would wear.

  After living with my mum for twelve years, I knew plenty about bad dressing, but this was surely beyond a joke.

  Peter came over to me.

  ‘Hi, Megan,’ he said. ‘Where’s your dad?’

  I could feel my face going red.

  ‘Er, he… I mean… did I tell you he might have an important meeting? Well, he did… so… er… he couldn’t come. He wanted to though.’

  Peter didn’t seem to mind much.

  ‘Oh well,’ he said. ‘That’s his loss. Now I’d better go over to Miss O’H and tell her I’m here.’

  As he turned to leave I noticed that there was a huge hole in his left sock, and his big toe was poking out, all hairy and red and curly. Totally, totally gross.

  I turned to Alice in horror. I was surprised to see that she seemed quite calm.

  ‘Look at the state of your dad,’ I said. ‘Aren’t you mad at him?’

  Alice sighed.

  ‘Of course I’m mad at him.’

  ‘So what are you going to do about it?’

  She sighed again.

  ‘There’s nothing I can do, is there? It’s too late for him to go home and change, and a big row wouldn’t help anything.’

  ‘But how is Miss O’Herlihy going to fall for your dad if he dresses like that?’ I asked.

  Alice shrugged.

  ‘Lighten up, Megan. It’s not his fault. He thinks he’s going on a school tour. He doesn’t know he’s meant to be impressing anyone. And anyway, without Mum to boss him around, he has no idea of how to dress himself properly.’

  I wasn’t letting her off that easily.

  ‘Well what about you? Have you no control over him? Couldn’t you have made him wear something a bit less embarrassing?’

  Alice shrugged once again.

  ‘I didn’t know, did I? I stayed with Mum last night. I just saw him now, same as you did. That’s what this is all about, remember? This whole plan is to get my family back together so fashion disasters like this will never happen again.’

  I nodded. I was so shocked at the sight of Peter, I’d kind of forgotten what this was all supposed to be about.

  Alice smiled suddenly.

  ‘Anyway, like I said, there’s nothing we can do now. Let’s hope Miss O’Herlihy can see past the horrible clothes to the nice man inside.’

  I glanced over at Miss O’Herlihy who looked quite pretty (for a teacher) in a pale blue dress and sparkly flip-flops. Next to her stood Peter, looking like a very bad joke. I didn’t feel like laughing though. This was so not a laughing matter.

  * * *

  As soon as everyone arrived, we all got onto the bus. Miss O’Herlihy sat in the front seat with Rachel, the class assistant. Alice and I sat on the other front seats, with Grace and Louise just behind us. Melissa and her four buddies grabbed two whole rows of seats. Peter went down to the back seat with all the bold boys. I wondered if maybe it would be best if he jumped out of the emergency door before the bus even got going. Already I had a very bad feeling about the day.

  As we drove away from the school, the boys started singing really loudly. Alice nudged me without turning around.

  ‘Just listen to them. Boys can be so immature sometimes.’

  I laughed when I heard what they were singing—

  ‘Oh you have a lovely bottom… … … set of teeth.’

  Miss O’Herlihy wasn’t very happy though, and she turned around and shouted,

  ‘Really, children, that’s hardly appropriate behaviour. You’re letting the school down before we even turn the first corner. At your age you should know better. We…’

  She suddenly stopped talking, and I turned around to see why. Peter was right in the middle of the group, singing louder than any of the boys. Miss O’Herlihy’s face went a sudden pink colour, and she sat back in her seat.

  Alice put her head in her hands.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ she said. ‘He’s showing off. He’s trying to impress a bunch of bold kids. What have I done?’

  * * *

  Twenty minutes later, when we were well on the road to Charleville, we came to a huge traffic jam. Cars and lorries were stopped for as far as we could see. Miss O’Herlihy kept looking at her watch.

  ‘We’re going to be late. We’ll miss our seating for lunch,’ she said, ‘And then what will we do?’

  Just then Peter stood up. Leaving the boys alone in their version of ‘You should never push your granny off a bus’, he came up to the front of the bus. He tapped the bus-driver on the shoulder.

  ‘I know a short cut,’ he said.

  The driver scratched his head and said nothing.

  ‘Really,’ said Peter, ‘We just have to edge forward to this turn here on the left, and then we can by-pass Charleville altogether. We’ll save loads of time.’

  I leaned over and whispered in Alice’s ear.

  ‘Didn’t you say your dad has a rotten sense of direction? Didn’t you tell me he always gets lost when you’re on holidays?’

  She made a face at me.

  ‘That’s different,’ she whispered. ‘That’s on holidays. He knows this road too well to get lost on it. It’ll be fine. Dad will get us out of all this traffic, and Miss O’Herlihy will think he’s great. This is the best thing that could have happened.’

  Still the traffic didn’t move, and still the bus driver said nothing.

  Peter gave a big long sigh.

  ‘I worked in Cork for years,’ he said. ‘I know all the back roads.’

  Alice grinned at me.

  ‘See?’ she said.

  The driver looked back at Miss O’Herlihy. Miss O’Herlihy looked at Peter. Peter gave her a charming smile.

  ‘Trust me,’ he said.

  So Miss O’Herlihy trusted him. She nodded at the driver who edged the bus forwards and took the left turn.

  It was a big mistake.

  The first thing that worried me was when the driver started to mutter rude words under his breath.

  The next thing that worried me was when Peter went back to his seat saying,

  ‘You’re the driver, you figure out where we are.’

  I could have given Alice a hard time, but I didn’t dare. She was sitting looking out of the window, like none of this had anything to do with her.

  I knew things were really bad when the driver pulled into a field and tried to turn the bus around to go back the way we came.

  When the bus got stuck in a patch of mud, and we all had to get out and push, it was almost funny.

  Only problem was, Miss O’Herlihy didn’t seem very amused. She stood under a tree with Rachel, and looked like she’d love to kill someone. Maybe it was just me, but I had a funny feeling that person was Alice’s dad.

  Alice saw me watching them.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘Everyone’s happier when they have a full stomach. Miss O’Herlihy will be fine once she’s had her lunch.’

  She wished.

  Chapter nine

  Because of Peter’s ‘short cut’, we were more than an hour late getting to the wildlife park. This made us much too late for our lunch booking in the café. Miss O’Herlihy went in to the café to try to sort something out, and when she came back she didn’t look one bit happy.

  ‘They’ve let another school take our place,’ she said. ‘Obviously a school that didn’t ta
ke “short cuts” through fields to get here.’

  I thought it was a bit mean of her to say that. After all, Peter had only been trying to help. He didn’t deliberately direct the bus driver into a field.

  ‘What are we going to do now, Miss?’ I asked.

  Miss O’Herlihy sighed.

  ‘The best they can do is let us queue up for our food, and eat it out here on the grass.’

  ‘Yippee!’ said Peter. ‘A picnic!’

  Miss O’Herlihy gave him an evil look.

  Peter put his head down.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘You looked upset – I was just trying to cheer you up a bit.’

  Miss O’Herlihy looked slightly less evil.

  ‘Tell you what,’ said Peter. ‘You relax out here for a while, and Rachel and I can bring the kiddies in and organise the food. I’ll bring you out something nice. How about that?’

  Miss O’Herlihy actually smiled at him.

  Alice nudged me and said,

  ‘See that, Megan?’ she asked. ‘I think she likes him.’

  ‘Don’t get too carried away,’ I said. ‘She doesn’t actually like him. She’s just noticed his socks, and she feels sorry for him, that’s all.’

  Everyone except for Miss O’Herlihy went in and queued up for food. Alice and I stayed at the back of the queue where we could keep an eye on Peter and stop him getting into more trouble.

  While we were waiting, Rachel walked past with her tray of food.

  ‘Rachel’s kind of pretty, isn’t she?’ said Alice.

  I shrugged.

  ‘Mmmm. I suppose. I love her hair. I wish mine was like that.’

  ‘And she’s good fun too. She…’ began Alice.

  Suddenly I realised what was going on. I put my hand up to stop Alice.

  ‘No way,’ I said.

  Alice looked all innocent.

  ‘But…’

  ‘But what?’ I said.

  She shrugged.

  ‘OK, I give in. I just thought if things didn’t work out between Dad and Miss O’Herlihy, maybe he could ask Rachel out instead.’

  I shook my head.

  ‘No way. This whole thing is way too complicated already. Leave Rachel out of it.’

  Alice sighed.

  ‘Spoilsport,’ she said.