Ladyfish

by Andrea Bramhall

  “That must have made relationships awkward.”

  Finn chuckled sadly. “Try impossible.”

  Oz stared at her and Finn waited for the obvious question, nerves churning up her Chinese food.

  “Impossible?”

  “Yup.”

  “Like totally impossible? Like, even casual flings?”

  “Yup. Totally”

  “Never?”

  Finn shook her head. “Never.”

  “So how do you know that you’re a lesbian?”

  “Are you seriously asking me that question?” She looked at Oz with both eyebrows raised. “Have you ever slept with a man?”

  “No.”

  “So how do you know you aren’t straight?” Finn crossed her arms. Pete had asked her the same thing, and it stupefied her that people who were already out would ask something so inane.

  “I have slept with women.”

  “Okay, before you slept with the first one. Did you think ‘oh, I’ll just give this a try and see if it’s for me,’ or did you know that you were attracted to women?”

  “Okay. I get the point. But you’re twenty-eight.”

  “With an overbearing father, a very busy career, and a major fear of looking like an idiot.”

  “Why would you look like an idiot?” Oz frowned, her confusion obvious.

  “Hello. Twenty-eight-year-old virgin. Of course I look like an idiot.”

  “No, you don’t. I think it’s really sweet.”

  Finn snorted and stabbed her carton with her chopsticks. Her hand trembled when Oz took it in her own, but she couldn’t bear to look at her and see the pity in her eyes.

  “Finn, listen to me. You are a beautiful woman. You’re kind, generous, smart, funny, sexy, and I think it is amazing that someone hasn’t come along and swept you off your feet. When you meet the right person, you won’t feel stupid or awkward. You’ll be glad you waited to share something so special with her. If she’s the right person for you, she’ll make sure you know that. She’ll do everything she can to show you just how special and amazing you are. Sometimes I wish I had waited for someone special.”

  Finn looked up at her and saw that Oz meant every word she said, and her mortification melted away under her warm, caring gaze.

  “You’re so beautiful, so amazing, Finn. The woman you choose to share yourself with will be the luckiest woman ever, and she damn well better appreciate that.”

  Oz was so close. Her lips were just inches away. It would be so easy to learn forward, to taste them, to suck on them and feel Oz’s hands. No. Oz was her teacher, her friend, and there was no way she was going to risk complicating life more than it already was. She grabbed her chopsticks again and put some space between them.

  “Can I ask you something?” Finn asked, staring into her rice container.

  “Sure.”

  “What’s it like?”

  Oz almost choked on the mouthful of rice she had just taken. “Huh?” Finn just stared at her, the question hanging between them. “Sex?”

  Finn stabbed her chopsticks into her rice, heat flooding her cheeks. “I’ve read books. Romances and stuff. And I can imagine. But I don’t—I mean, I’ve thought about it and fantasized and stuff. What’s it like to make love to a woman?”

  Oz picked at the rice in her carton as she thought. “Well. I can’t really tell you that.”

  Finn looked back at her food, disappointed. She had hoped Oz would be open with her.

  “I can’t really tell you because I’m not sure I’ve ever made love.”

  Finn looked up at her. “But you said that you had.”

  “I’ve slept with women, sure. It was just sex. There was no emotion or feelings involved. It was fun. It was different every time, because every woman was different. Sometimes it’s passionate. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a release. Satisfying physically, but never anything more. It’s different than what you’re talking about.”

  Finn wanted to ask her more. She wanted to know what Oz felt the difference was. She wanted to hear her put words to the thoughts running through her own head. She could feel her cheeks burning, her heart pounding, and her mind racing. She tried desperately not to picture Oz with another woman. Holding her, kissing her, making love to her. She wanted to feel Oz’s hands on her own skin, and she knew that given half a chance, she wouldn’t care if it made their friendship difficult; she wanted Oz. Food lost its appeal and she put her carton down on the table.

  “Sex was always something that came easy for me.”

  Finn glanced over and saw that Oz looked almost as uncomfortable as she felt. She didn’t dare speak or move, desperate as she was for Oz to keep talking.

  “Women seem to like me and I enjoy giving them pleasure. I love to see a woman writhing under me when I’m touching her. I love to see her face when she comes for me, because of me. It’s the most amazing feeling for me, I feel so alive and powerful, I suppose. That probably sounds arrogant or something, but it makes me feel complete in a way nothing else outside of diving does. It’s simple and beautiful and pure. In that moment, there’s no pretense, no hiding or games. We’re just there. Living and giving and taking pleasure. I would do anything to keep that look on her face. Whatever she enjoys, whatever pleases her, that’s what I want to do. Like I said, every woman is different in what she likes, what pleases her, but what pleases me is finding those things and giving them to her.”

  Finn found it difficult to swallow. She wanted to reach out and take Oz’s hand, just to feel her skin. She wanted to lean against her body and feel her heartbeat, hoping that it was thundering in her chest as hard as her own. The silence stretched thin between them until it felt like it had a heartbeat of its own, and Finn knew she had to say something. She swallowed hard before licking her lips and willing them to work. “I want to be in love with the woman I finally sleep with. I’ve waited this long; I might as well wait for the right one now.” She turned her attention back to the TV. “Have you ever been in love?”

  “No. I thought I was, once. But it was just lust. Full-blown, hormones raging ‘got to have her or I’ll die’ lust.” She laughed sadly. “I was sixteen. She was eighteen. Sarah Matthews. Dark hair, green eyes, amazing breasts, and I swear I thought I’d die if I couldn’t be with her.”

  “What happened?”

  “Her parents caught us in her kitchen. We were making out pretty good. She’d gotten my shirt off, and I had my hand up her skirt. Her dad chased me out of the house, sans shirt, with his belt in hand. Needless to say, I could live without her.”

  “You’re joking?”

  “Nope. So I’m tearing down the street, tits jumping up and down, and I ran straight into my dad. He just took his coat off and wrapped it around my shoulders. Sarah’s dad came straight up behind and started screaming at me. My dad stepped in front of him and started talking really quietly.” Oz rested her head against the sofa, a wry grin on her face. “Now, you gotta picture my dad here.”

  “I got it.”

  “My dad says to him, ‘I know it’s a shock, and the girls should show you more respect, but chasing a half naked young girl down the street with your trousers falling down, isn’t the best way to go about that now, is it? You go on back and talk to your daughter, and I’ll do the same with mine.’ Then he turned to me and told me to go inside the house. It must have been ten minutes before he came in. He never raised his voice. He never grounded me. Not a thing. He just sat and pointed to the chair next to him. When I sat down, he looked at me for the longest time, then he said. ‘Well, you look the same as you did this morning. You still sound the same as you did this morning. And I love you just as much as I did this morning. But if I ever hear of you disrespecting someone I work with again by having his daughter in the kitchen, I’ll let him take that belt to you, you hear?’” She was laughing as she recounted the memory.

  “Your dad sounds wonderful.”

  “He’s not bad. Oh, that reminds me. Uncle Charlie invited you to Thanksg
iving dinner next month. You’re welcome to come with me.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  Finn took a deep breath and gathered her courage, and she knew it was a bad idea. She knew it might complicate the relationship between them, but she knew she wanted Oz. She wanted to touch her, to just reach out and run her fingers through her hair. So she took a chance. “As your date?”

  Oz’s smile faltered and her eyes grew wide.

  “I think I’d like that.” Finn turned back to the TV and tried to keep from smiling at Oz’s reaction.

  “Are you serious?” Oz’s voice was barely above a whisper.

  Finn turned back to her, trying to decide which way to go. To admit the truth, that she really wanted it to be a date, or fall back on the relative safety of teasing flirtation. The flickering emotion in Oz’s eyes held her captive. The longing she had seen there before, but the uncertainty was new. Is she really as unsure as me? Does she feel it too? She watched as Oz’s pupils dilated, her chest heaved, and a pink flush darkened her cheeks, all telling her Oz was teetering on a knife edge, just like she was. She took a deep breath, gathered her courage, and took a chance.

  “Yes, I’m serious.” She reached out with a trembling hand and gently touched her fingertips to Oz’s cheek. “Will you take me as your date?”

  Oz curled her fingers around Finn’s palm and brought it to her lips. Finn’s breath caught in her throat as Oz’s lips brushed across the back of her hand.

  “I would love to take you as my date. On one condition.”

  Finn cleared her throat before she spoke. “What’s the condition?”

  “You let me take you on a date before then. Can’t have our first date on Thanksgiving, at my uncle’s.”

  Finn grinned. “Just tell me where and when.”

  “Tomorrow night. I’ll show you some of the sights.”

  Finn’s skin tingled as Oz’s thumb stroked back and forth over her wrist. She could feel her heart racing and couldn’t drag her eyes from Oz’s lips. Her stomach flipped when Oz licked her lips and she tried to control her shaking hands. It wasn’t fear that made her tremble; it was her desire. The desire to feel Oz holding her close to her body and kissing her was all-consuming.

  “Are you going to kiss me now?”

  “Is that what you want?”

  Finn knew her ability to speak had deserted her and barely managed to nod in response. Oz shifted until she was kneeling in front of Finn, tugging gently on her arm to bring her closer. Finn moved quickly into the same position, her eyes never leaving Oz’s.

  “Tell me.” Oz let go of her hand and stroked the tips of her fingers down each cheek. “Tell me what you want.”

  Finn placed her hands on Oz’s hips, desperate to feel her solid body, to anchor her as she gathered her courage and managed to croak out the words expressing her desire.

  “I want you to kiss me.”

  Then Oz’s lips covered her own, gently brushing at first, then tenderly pressing against her. She felt fingers slide into her hair and a soft moan escaped her lips at the exquisite contact. Exploring, dancing around her mouth, discovering lips, teeth, and tongue. One hand slid from Finn’s hair and caressed her back, locking securely at her waist and pulling her tighter into the embrace.

  Finn found her own hands sliding up to Oz’s shoulders, trying to pull her in closer. Slowly, the kiss eased to a stop, and Oz rested her forehead against Finn’s as they waited for their breathing to return to normal.

  “Wow.” Finn still had her eyes closed. “Does it always feel like that?”

  “First kiss too?”

  Finn shook her head, trying to hide her embarrassment. “No, but it never…I never…” She took a deep breath and tried to calm her racing heart. “I’ve kissed a few people, but it never felt the way I thought it would. The way I read about in so many books. I thought there was something wrong with me.”

  Oz hooked a finger under her chin and raised her head until Finn met her eyes. “No. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. It doesn’t always feel like that. That was amazing.” She placed a small chaste kiss upon her lips. “I’ve kissed some women and shouldn’t have bothered.” She dotted kisses across Finn’s cheeks. “I want to kiss you again, to make sure that was real. To make sure I haven’t dreamed you.”

  Finn caught Olivia’s lips between hers. This time she wasn’t tentative or shy. She hungered to feel Oz’s lips move against her own. She pressed her tongue inside Oz’s mouth, teasing gently before retreating back. Oz’s hand rested at the nape of her neck as the other, still locked behind her back, pulled her body tighter into Oz’s, then relaxed as the hand moved down and cupped her butt. A gentle squeeze brought a gasp from Finn and powered her hands into action. One slid down to Oz’s backside while the other cupped her neck. It was Oz who broke the kiss, pulling back and placing her hands on Finn’s shoulders.

  “Okay. I’m convinced. You’re real.”

  Finn blinked as her breathing slowly returned to normal. She felt the rise and fall of Oz’s chest against her own, pleased that she had affected Oz so much, and longing for more. “I’m not convinced. I think you should kiss me again.” Finn moved toward her, but Oz stopped her.

  “I need a minute here, Finn. I don’t want to rush anything with you, but you’re driving me kind of crazy.” She took a deep breath. “Can you just give me a minute?”

  “I’m sorry, I just—”

  “Don’t apologize. I would love to go on kissing you all night. But I know myself well enough to know that I can only take so much before I want more of you. All of you.” She stroked Finn’s cheek. “I already know I want you, Finn. I could take you to bed and have sex with you all night. But you already told me that sex isn’t what you want. You want more. You deserve more.” She wrapped her arms around Finn’s shoulders and pulled her into a tight embrace. “I don’t know if I have it in me to give.”

  Finn pulled back and stared deep into Oz’s eyes.

  “Why do you say that?” The pained look in Oz’s eyes made her heart ache, and she knew that Oz was trying to decide just how much she was going to share. The battle to keep her shutters down was clearly written in the frown marring her beautiful face.

  “I’ve never had much trouble finding women to keep me company when I wanted some.”

  Oz let her go and sat back against the sofa, and Finn was instantly aware of the distance she put between them. She sensed that Oz needed the physical distance to say the things she needed to, so she sat next to her, careful to maintain the distance.

  “I’ve been with a lot of women and not always treated them very well.”

  “In what way?”

  “Well, I’d go out sometimes looking to hook up with someone, then I’d go back to their place and we’d have sex. I couldn’t even tell you half of their names now. I never dated anyone; it was always just sex. Even if I saw them more than just once, like the tourists here on holidays, I never wanted anything else from them.”

  “And they wanted more from you?”

  “They deserved more from me.”

  Finn cocked her head to the side, considering. “Why?”

  “Because no one deserves to be used. But I never thought of it that way until I met you.”

  “I agree, but weren’t they using you in exactly the same way? You were all consenting adults.” She shrugged. “Oz, I know the reputation you have. I’ve known that since the day on the dock when you were joking around with Clem and Mac. Let me ask you something. Did you ever lead any of those women to believe that you were looking for a relationship beyond that night, or however long it was?”

  “No.”

  “Did you ever lie to get anyone into bed with you?”

  “No”

  “Did you ever force anyone to go to bed with you?”

  “God, no. I would nev—”

  “I know, Oz. Did you mistreat any of them while you were in bed together?”

  “No, they always seemed to
enjoy it.”

  “It was a one-night stand, or a holiday fling for them too. They may have wanted more.” Finn stroked her cheek. “I know I would, but I’m also pretty damn sure they knew what was on the table before they even kissed you.” She leaned forward and kissed Oz softly. “I don’t think you used those women any more than they used you, and if you all got what you were looking for out of the experience, a night of pleasure, then I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

  “Finn, I never wanted anything more than that. When I was in the navy, it was too difficult to even contemplate. I could’ve lost my commission, and I was away so much on assignment it didn’t make sense to look for anything more. But I think that was a convenient excuse. I think that I’m just not cut out for it. For a relationship.”

  Finn couldn’t hide the disappointment she felt, and she turned her head away to hide the tears filling her eyes, willing them not to fall.

  “I still don’t think that, Finn, but I really like you. I don’t know if I can do this, but I want to try.”

  Suddenly, she didn’t care if Oz saw the tears in her eyes; she had to see her face. “What are you saying?”

  “I guess I’m asking you to give me a chance. To give us a chance. Even if I can’t make any promises.”

  Finn couldn’t find the words to say everything she wanted, to tell Oz that she wouldn’t have said no even if she could have. She closed the distance between them and kissed her, slowly pressing her body against Oz, until the need to breathe pulled them apart.

  “I’m going to take that as a yes.”

  Finn smiled as Oz tucked her against her body and wrapped her arm around Finn’s shoulders.”Does it bother you?”

  Finn frowned slightly in question.

  “My reputation? Does it bother you?”

  “Does my being a virgin bother you?”

  “No!” Oz answered quickly. Too quickly. Finn began to pull away from her, so she wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close. “It doesn’t bother me. Nervous, I suppose, is the best word to describe it.”