Christening

by Claire Kent

  And this was perhaps the hardest thing of all. She dropped her arms to her sides. Turned back toward her open suitcase on the bed. “Because the girls aren’t the only ones who've been hurt.”

  Seth was perfectly still for a long, pregnant moment. Then, “Erin.” The word was a thick caress, and he took the two steps over until he could pull her into his arms. “Erin, baby, I’m so sorry. You know how much I love you. That’s never going to change.”

  She was shaking, and she felt so safe and secure in his’s arms that it took all the strength she possessed to pull out of his embrace. “I know,” she choked, the emotional pressure in her chest pushing her into tears at last.

  Eventually, strong emotion always did.

  Wiping her eyes in exasperation, she continued, “I know you love me. That’s not the point. This isn’t just one incident. It’s not just the last month. You’ve been prioritizing work over family more and more for the last year. It’s getting worse, not better. And I’m…I’m getting lost. I need to get away in order to find my way again.”

  “Erin.” Seth seemed to be actively holding himself back from touching her, now that she'd pulled away from him. “I messed up. I can see that. But how is leaving going to help? How can I change if you’re not here?”

  Her eyes burned as painfully as her throat now. In another minute she was going to be sobbing for real. “You still don’t get it, Seth. I’m not trying to punish you. This isn’t to make you suffer or to make some sort of dramatic point. You’re not the only one who’s made this situation into what it is. I’ve made it too. I’ve let this happen to us, to me. And I need to get away—for a little while. I’m not even sure who I am anymore.”

  Seth’s jaw was clenched so tightly that a little muscle worked in his cheek. He was staring at her, with that hint of panic growing deeper in his eyes. “Is this about having to give up your career?”

  Erin made a face. “Not exactly. Maybe a little. It’s connected some, I guess. But it’s not the main thing.”

  “I thought you’d reconciled yourself to that,” he said, looking suddenly wary. “I know it was hard for you, but you haven’t been looking for a job so… so I thought you were happy being a wife and mother.”

  “I am,” she burst out, the tears streaming out of the corners of her eyes now. “I am. I want to be a wife and mother, but I want to be Erin too.”

  It wasn’t a very good explanation, but Seth seemed to understand. He closed down, shutting off his expressions and responses the way he always did when something hurt too much. Finally he muttered, “Aren’t you still Erin?”

  “I don’t know,” she admitted, turning around so he wouldn’t see how hard she was crying. “I’m not sure.”

  There wasn’t anything else she could do, so she moved back to the bed and folded another pair of jeans into the suitcase, her eyes still streaming with tears.

  Seth recovered more quickly than she’d expected, and he stepped over to gently put his hand on her shoulder. “Erin,” he murmured, mildly, huskily, “Erin, I had no idea you were worried about losing your identity.”

  “I know. I didn’t tell you. That’s part of the problem. As I said, you aren’t the only one who’s contributed to this situation.”

  “But why can’t we work this out together. We both need to deal with some things, but surely we can do it better together. We can’t work on being a family if we’re apart.”

  She nodded and sniffed urgently. Tried to compose herself the way Seth had. “I know. And we will work on it. But I need some time without you first.” Before he could object, she hurried on. “I know what will happen if I stay. This will have scared you, so you’ll be attentive and loving and sweet for weeks or maybe even months. And it will feel so good to have you back again that I’ll just fall back into our old patterns. And then weeks from now, or months, or however long it takes, you’ll get absorbed in work again, you’ll pull more and more away, and I’ll just let it happen—because I still won’t really know who I am or what I want out of life. I need to get away, Seth. I need to think through this objectively.”

  “But you’re not supposed to think about your family objectively. You’re supposed to think about us with your heart.”

  Erin was crying again. Louder than before. But she forced out between sobs. “I love you, Seth. That hasn’t changed. But I want to love myself too.”

  Seth’s head jerked to the side, and she was relieved she couldn’t see his eyes. His dress shirt was wrinkled and slightly damp in the middle of his back, and there were more lines than she remembered beside his eyes and mouth. She knew how drained he was after working so hard for the last month. She knew she was slamming him with this on the day after he’d returned, and she ached for him, as much as for herself.

  “Please let me go. Just for a couple of weeks. Then we’ll go from there.” She needed for him to accept this—at least in part—if she was ever going to make it out the door.

  Seth swallowed hard. Gave a slight nod. Still wasn’t looking in her direction.

  Erin released a shuddering sigh. “I’m going to take the girls to my dad’s.”

  His head jerked back toward her. “You’re taking the girls?”

  “I was planning to.” She sucked in a long breath. Managed to force out, “I guess I don’t have to.” She wondered if she could possibly go two weeks without having her babies with her. “If you think you can take off work so you could be with them…”

  “I could cut back a little, but I can’t take the time off completely right now.”

  She nodded resignedly. “Then I’ll take them with me.”

  “So, after being away from them for a month, I won’t be able to see them for two more weeks?” His voice was cold again—but she knew it was prompted by pain.

  “No. Of course, you can see them. We won’t be far away. You can come down as often as you like to spend time with them. I hope you do. They need you. They’re your daughters, Seth. I’m never going to try to take them away from you. They’ll always be in your life.”

  Seth slowly raised his eyes to meet hers, as if they’d been too heavy to lift. He murmured hoarsely, “And you?”

  Erin started sobbing again, her present pain coupled with pain that was years old. Hated herself for being so weak, but she couldn’t possibly stop. “I just need a couple of weeks. Then we’ll go from there.”

  He lowered his head again, as if he were accepting the stroke of his doom. And Erin saw he wasn’t going to argue anymore.

  So, still sobbing, she went back into the closet to get her shoes.

  She had been wrong. She’d thought Seth had done all the arguing and pleading he was willing to do. He'd always been a proud man, and there was only so far he would lower himself. But when she returned to the bedroom, he was waiting for her. He reached out to grip her upper arms. “Erin,” he said thickly. “Baby, please don’t leave me.”

  “I’m not leaving for good,” she gasped, the tears overflowing in her eyes again so that his urgent face blurred in front of her. “Just for a couple of weeks.”

  “That’s what always happens,” he insisted, his eyes as naked as she’d ever seen them. “You’ll leave for a week or two. Then you’ll want a trial separation. Then you’ll be calling your divorce attorney. Erin, I don’t deserve you. And I haven’t treated you and the girls as I should. But please don’t leave me.”

  Her sobs were loud and raspy now, and it felt like they were tearing her apart. She exerted all the control she had remaining to subdue the sound so she wouldn’t wake up the girls. “Seth, I don’t want a divorce. I promise. I just want a couple of weeks.”

  He didn’t say anything. Just held onto her arms in a grip of silent desperation and stared at her pleadingly.

  Finally, Erin couldn’t stand it anymore. She loved this man so much, and she was starting to wonder why she had ever wanted to leave him.

  Gently, she pulled out of his grasp. “We’ll leave in the morning. Please, come down to see the gi
rls at my dad’s as often as you can. And—if necessary—we’ll work out a way to get them back up here, maybe next weekend.”

  “How long—”

  “I don’t know. A couple of weeks. Long enough for me to figure things out.”

  Seth’s expression broke for just a moment. “Erin, are you sure you’re doing the right thing?”

  She shook her head. Wiped the rest of her tears away. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I have no idea if this is right. Maybe this is the worst thing I could do. But it’s the only thing I can think of.”

  ***

  The next morning, Erin sat on Mackenzie’s bed and Seth on Anna’s, as they told them they were going to visit their grandfather with their mommy for a week or two.

  Anna had been excited when she heard she was going to visit Grandpa, and she’d scrambled off her bed with her favorite stuffed puppy so she could go and start packing her toys.

  She must have taken her pajama bottoms off during the night, because she was wearing just the blue and white top and her pink panties.

  Seth, who was fully dressed in a suit and tie, grabbed Anna before she could scurry toward the hallway. He pulled her up and settled her on his lap.

  Erin had wanted to be close to Mackenzie, since she knew that the older girl would understand more of what was really going on. Her face was tense and suspicious, and—when Erin put an arm around the slender shoulders—her daughter jerked away from her.

  “You’re not coming too?” Mackenzie asked, meeting Seth’s gaze with matching eyes.

  He shook his head. “I’m going to stay here.”

  Anna fidgeted in his lap until she was peering up at him. “Daddy isn’t coming to Grandpa’s?”

  Seth stroked the tangles of blond hair. His touch and gaze were so tender it nearly broke Erin’s heart. “I have to stay here and work, but I’ll come to visit you there.”

  This seemed to satisfy Anna, who snuggled against him and played with his tie.

  Erin was anxiously watching Mackenzie’s tight face. The pretty little features twisted almost imperceptibly.

  “Are you and Mommy getting a divorce?” she asked, sitting stiffly upright in her bed and still looking at Seth accusingly.

  Shaking his head soberly, he said, “No. We're not. You’re just going to visit your grandpa for a couple of weeks.”

  Mackenzie turned toward Erin questioningly, and Erin—a sharp pang in her chest—nodded at her encouragingly. “It’s just a visit, pumpkin. Nothing for you to worry about.”

  The girl didn’t look convinced. She pushed her long red hair behind her ears and glared coolly at her father. “Is this because you were kissing that lady in the picture?”

  Erin gasped. “No! Of course, not.”

  But Mackenzie was still waiting for Seth’s reply.

  His face remained mild and gentle when he replied, “Your mommy knows that the blog was just making up a story. It has nothing to do with your visit to your grandpa.”

  Anna had been contentedly amusing herself by flapping Seth’s tie around, but at this she started to frown. “Why was daddy kissing that lady?”

  “Yeah,” Mackenzie agreed, much more pointedly. “Why were you?”

  Erin could see him swallow, but his expression never wavered. “You know how I sometimes kiss your Aunt Stella on the cheek when I say goodbye? I was doing the same thing with that lady. She was sad about something, and I was being nice to her.”

  Seth had explained the situation to Erin the previous morning, and Erin knew he was telling the truth. It hadn't made it any less mortifying, however, for her husband to be gossiped about in the tabloids.

  Mackenzie was still frowning.

  Seth seemed to notice this too. “Who is the most beautiful woman in the world?” he asked seriously.

  “Mommy!” Anna happily burst out.

  Mackenzie’s answer was mumbled, but she said, “Mommy,” too.

  “And who do I love more than anyone else in the world?”

  “Us and Mommy!” Anna declared.

  Seth nodded, and then gave Mackenzie a half-smile. “So why would I want to kiss anyone else?”

  Mackenzie’s face relaxed just a little, and Erin couldn’t resist giving her shoulders a comforting squeeze. This time, Mackenzie didn’t pull away.

  But Erin and Seth’s older daughter was just as stubborn as both of her parents. And she was just as deep and driven as Seth. She wasn’t ready to let go of this subject yet.

  “Is this because Mommy is mad at you for being gone so long?”

  Six years old, and already so intuitive. Erin’s heart ached for the girl, and she grieved that she couldn’t protect her for any longer from the truth of the world.

  “Mommy wouldn’t leave just because she’s mad at me. She’s taking you and Anna for a visit. Don’t you want to see your Grandpa?”

  He should have known Mackenzie wouldn’t be distracted so easily. “Is it because you yelled at her last night?”

  Seth grew very still.

  “No,” Erin insisted in an urgent rush. “Daddy didn’t yell at me.”

  “He did so. I heard him.”

  Erin was afraid she would strangle on the lump in her throat—at the knowledge that their impassioned argument had been overheard, at least in part—but this was too important. “He was just talking loudly. He wasn’t yelling at me, pumpkin.”

  Mackenzie was so tense now she was shaking with it, and her eyes never left Seth’s face. “You made Mommy cry. I heard.”

  Erin was about to cry again, and more so as she saw the brief, shattered expression in Seth’s eyes as he gazed at his daughter.

  Then it got worse. Anna gasped, “Mommy was crying?” She wiggled until Seth let her down off his lap. She ran over to cling to Erin’s leg. “Mommy is sad?”

  “Mommy isn’t sad,” Erin lied, feeling tears burning in her eyes again. “I’m fine, sweetie.” She pulled Anna up into a quick hug, wanting to comfort and cherish her baby as much as she could.

  But now Seth was sitting by himself on the other bed, as if both of their daughters had sided with Erin against him.

  He looked handsome and sophisticated, sitting incongruously on a child’s messy bed. But he also looked so lonely.

  The way he’d looked before they’d become a family.

  She almost couldn’t do it. Couldn’t leave him. Couldn’t take the girls with her. Even though she knew it was something she needed to do.

  But, as she held her daughters, she remembered them crying together because their daddy hadn’t come home like he'd promised, and that gave her enough determination to say, a little shakily, “Daddy has to leave for work before we get all packed to leave. So you need to say goodbye to him now.”

  Erin eased Anna back down to the floor. “Can you give him a kiss goodbye?”

  Anna eagerly ran over to be picked up and hugged tightly in her father’s arms. Seth held the girl much longer than usual—his dark suit an odd contrast to Anna’s pajama top and pink panties—and Erin could only imagine how much he must be hurting.

  Afraid she was going to break down completely, Erin pulled herself to her feet. Cleared her throat and surreptitiously wiped her eyes when Mackenzie wasn’t looking.

  Anna’s mouth was wobbly again when she pulled back to look at Seth’s face. “Why can’t Daddy come to Grandpa’s too?”

  “I have to stay here, but I’ll come to visit you soon.”

  This news relieved Anna again, and she seemed basically content when Seth lowered her to the floor.

  While Anna ran back over to Erin, Seth stood up from the bed too.

  “Your turn, pumpkin,” Erin murmured, when Mackenzie hadn’t moved from where she sat in her bed. “Say goodbye to Daddy.”

  Mackenzie’s lips were trembling, but she jerked her head to the side and hugged her arms against her chest in protective gesture.

  “Pumpkin?” Erin breathed.

  Seth took a step over to the bed. “Won’t you say goodbye to me?�
��

  Mackenzie shook her head, her shoulders already starting to shake. She was so much younger than Seth. Couldn’t hide her emotions nearly as well. “Why should I?”

  Seth gazed down on Mackenzie, and Erin remembered the first time he’d ever looked at his daughter. How utterly vulnerable he’d been in the face of his feelings for her. How he’d had to leave the room, just after she’d been born, because he couldn’t deal with the way the emotions had leveled him.

  “Because I love you,” he replied softly, the texture evident in his voice. “And because—even if you’re mad at me right now—I’m still your daddy.”

  Mackenzie lost the fight against her feelings. She sobbed in choked little gasps, and she held her arms out almost pleadingly. “Daddy.”

  Seth gathered her in, held her, cradled her against him.

  Anna was whimpering, so Erin knelt down to comfort her. But her eyes never left Seth hugging Mackenzie, the depth of his love evident in the desperate way he held onto her.

  Erin would have been crying, but the ache inside her had grown too intense for tears.

  When Seth finally pulled away, he stood in the middle of the room blankly, as if he couldn’t see, as if he had no idea what he was supposed to do.

  Giving Anna one more kiss, Erin stood up. “We can talk to Daddy tonight on the phone,” she said, pitching her voice as optimistically as she could. “And he'll visit us at Grandpa's soon. Say goodbye before he has to leave for work.”

  Anna and Mackenzie said goodbye once more, and Erin put a hand on Seth’s back, propelling him forward.

  He could barely walk. He seemed to be in some sort of stunned daze. But she managed to get him out of the girls’ room and down the hallway.

  “Seth,” she murmured, unable to keep her hands from cupping his face tenderly as she faced him in front of the main door of the apartment. “I know this is terrible, and if I could think of anything else, I would do it. But I don’t know what else to do.”