Christening

by Claire Kent

  They were quiet for a long time, and she could feel Seth relaxing beside her again. Then his arm went around her, not so casually this time. He turned his head to press a kiss onto her temple, his lips soft but more purposeful than before.

  She knew what he had in mind. She could feel how his body was beginning to tighten.

  But she’d resolved not to be distracted today by sex, so she pulled away and made herself move into the rest of what they needed to discuss.

  “So we’ve talked some about my worries and needs. What about you? I know our problems haven’t just been your fault.” She put her hand on his forearm. “Tell me what you want, Seth.”

  He shifted uncomfortably, obviously not having expected this shift in dynamic. “I just want you and the girls to come home.”

  “No. Don’t do that. Don’t act like you’re undeserving. You deserve just as much from this family as me and the girls. For this to work, you need to tell me what you want, what you need from me.”

  Seth didn’t answer immediately. In fact, he sat for a long minute, staring out at the lake, his face occasionally working strangely, as if he were having a private struggle with himself.

  Erin let him think, let him work through whatever he needed in order to open up enough to share this with her.

  She sat beside him in silence, not even watching him, so he wouldn’t feel like she was pressuring him or intruding on his privacy.

  Finally, he said, his voice a little stiff, “I need you to tell me what you want.”

  Erin experienced a surge of disappointment, since she’d really thought he was going to be honest about his needs. “Seth,” she began.

  “I’m not being the victimized martyr. I mean, I need you to tell me.”

  She didn’t understand immediately. Just stared at him blankly.

  With a reluctant expression, he pressed on. “I know I should have known better than to take you for granted. But, despite the fact that I’ve been clueless, I basically came back one evening to find you packing your bags to leave.” He cleared his throat. “You were going through so many things, you were having so many fears and insecurities, and you never even told me.”

  Erin felt another stab in her heart—this one from knowledge and guilt.

  “I guess I’d known you weren’t happy with my being gone for so long,” he continued. “But I had no idea it had gotten to this extent. And I had no idea that you were feeling so lost and uncertain about all this other stuff. I’d thought you were happy being a wife and mother.” When Erin opened her mouth to object and explain, he spoke over her, “I know you still want to be a wife and mother, but since you hadn’t done anything with your degree, I just figured those issues from before were settled.”

  Erin mumbled, “They weren’t.”

  “I know that now, but I hadn’t known before everything completely blew up. If I’d known it before—if you’d shared that with me before—then maybe we could have done something about it sooner.”

  Erin restlessly rubbed her fingers against her scalp. “I know. You’re right. I should have told you a long time ago. It just…I don’t know…it snuck up on me. I really thought I was happy. I mean, I was happy. But just, little by little, it seemed like all I was doing was being a mom. And then it was so hard to find a job. Then I had less and less motivation to even look, since it felt like I was just doing it as an empty gesture. And then, with you gone so much, it felt like I wasn’t even a woman anymore. Just a mom. And not even a hardworking one, since I don’t really have to clean and cook and everything. So it just built up until it felt like I hardly even had a purpose.”

  “So why didn’t you say anything to me? Was it because I wasn’t around enough?”

  “Maybe a little. But it was my fault, not yours. I just have always felt so…petty, complaining about my life. I’m the wife of a rich, successful man who loves me, I don’t have to work, I have two incredible children—what the hell do I have to complain about?”

  Seth rolled his eyes. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “I know. But, to begin with, everything was so minor that I really did feel ungrateful whining about it. And then, once everything started to build up into real issues, then I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.” She reached up and stroked his face briefly. “But you’re right, Seth. I should have told you. It wasn’t fair to keep you in the dark, and I know it made everything worse.”

  She leaned over and kissed his jaw softly. “I’m sorry.”

  He gave her a small, fond smile. “Thank you.”

  For some reason, Erin felt almost embarrassed. So she snuggled against him and hid her face in his shirt.

  “So what do you think would make you feel more fulfilled?” he asked. “Do you want to try to think of a different career path? Go back to school?”

  Erin sighed. Felt a faint twisting in her gut, a familiar loss that was years old now. “No. I still want to be a lawyer, if I can.”

  “And yet you stopped even looking for a job.”

  “Yeah. That’s my fault for getting discouraged. I’ve got to figure out something. I still need to think about it some more.”

  Seth was watching her quietly. When she’d stopped talking, he asked in a low murmur, “Is there anything else you’ve been worrying about?”

  Closing her eyes, Erin groaned. “Oh, everything. It seems like I’m worried about everything. Last week, I got panicked that I was going to turn into one of those bitter wives of wealthy men—lonely, jaded, and bored. I've always been so determined not to be someone like that, but then I got afraid it was happening anyway."

  She paused and took a deep breath before she went on. "I want so much to be a good mom, and I want the girls to see me being strong—for them, for you, and for myself. I want to show them that there’s joy and value in being a wife and mother, but I also want them to know that’s not the only possibility for a woman. I want to show them real love always means committing and working through problems, but I also want them to see that they—and I—don’t need to settle for less than we deserve, just so we can keep a man happy. I want to be a good example for them, but I just don’t know if I can.”

  Erin was tearing up again, but this time she didn’t dissolve into sobs. “I just don’t know how to do all of that. But I want them to see me be…strong.”

  Seth made a guttural noise in his throat. “You are strong, Erin, and the girls have already seen that. They’re always going to know that.”

  She gazed up at him through blurry eyes. “Do you think so? I don’t think I’ve done a very good job lately, but I want to. I’m going to keep working on it. I want our girls to be strong too.”

  “They will be. If we have anything to do about it, they will be.”

  Erin wiped her eyes on his shirt. She felt a lot better. Felt like she’d said everything she needed to.

  Almost.

  Seth led into the last little thing, as intuitive as ever. “So, do you need to spend a few more days here, figuring the rest of this out?” His face was stiff, almost diffident.

  She swallowed over a new lump in her throat. “I’m so sorry, Seth. I think I need at least one more day.” When he glanced away, she hurried on, “It’s not about you, anymore, though. You know that, right? I want to be home with you, but I’m so scared that, when I get there, I’ll just let everything slide back to the way it was, unless I have a plan in place. I just need to figure out how exactly I’m going to make myself commit to having a life of my own—one that’s not wholly defined by you and the girls.”

  “I understand. Take all the time you need.”

  She knew it wasn’t what he wanted, and she loved him even more for saying it anyway. “But I don’t want you to have to suffer because of me. You should take the girls home with you. I’ll just be another day or two.”

  Her voice cracked on the last word.

  Seth seemed to be thinking hard, but finally he shook his head. “No. They should stay here.” Be
fore she could argue, he went on. “I have to work late tomorrow anyway. They’ll be happier with you than spending most of the day with Sarah.”

  Sarah was the nanny they’d hired after Stella quit and moved out here with Erin’s father. Lately, however, Sarah had only worked part time, since Erin was home so often.

  “Are you sure?” Erin replied, studying his face to see if there were any sign of his hiding his real feelings. “Because I don’t want to keep the girls away from you.”

  “I’m sure. And it will only be another day or two. Right?”

  “Right,” she assured him, leaning over to kiss the side of his mouth. “We’ll be home on Tuesday, at the latest.”

  Seth relaxed for real and smiled at her. The sweet, intimate smile she usually only saw in the bedroom. “Good.”

  They sat together, as close as they could get, for several more minutes. While there was still too much uncertainty for Erin to feel perfectly happy, she actually felt peaceful for the first time in a really long while.

  When she noticed that the sun was getting lower, she finally pulled away and stood up. “We should get back. It must be almost three already. Who knows what kind of trouble the girls are getting into?”

  Seth agreed, and they started back toward the spot where they’d been picnicking.

  Before the girls were even in sight, Erin and Seth heard what kind of trouble they’d been getting into.

  To be more exact, they heard loud, piercing screams.

  After meeting each other’s eyes, Erin and Seth hurried the rest of the way there.

  When they arrived, she saw their daughters at what was clearly the height of a fight. A real fight. A loud, angry, intense, dramatic, violent fight.

  Both girls were screaming furiously at each other—the words lost in the torrent of extreme emotion. Stella was actually having to hold Anna back, as the little girl seemed to be trying to free herself to launch an attack on her older sister.

  Mackenzie had never been as physical in her anger. Instead, she stood stiffly beside Erin’s father, hurling insults at her sister, which were obviously intended to rile Anna up even further.

  Erin blinked, momentarily stunned by the passionate altercation. The girls had occasionally been reduced to this kind of intensity before, but usually Erin was able to curb the conflict before it got to this point.

  Now that it had, Erin couldn’t immediately think of what to do.

  Seth, however, experienced no such lapse. He took three steps forward and roared, “Enough!”

  His voice wasn’t angry, but it was very, very loud.

  The girls, who hadn’t even seen their parents approaching, immediately froze in shock at the bellow of their father’s unexpected voice.

  Their screams catching in their throats, Anna and Mackenzie jerked toward Seth, their red faces momentarily uncomprehending.

  Erin took a breath of relief at the sudden silence, although she wasn’t foolish enough to think it was over quite yet.

  It wasn’t. As Erin moved over to stand beside Seth, Anna burst into hysterical tears and sat down with a thump on the grass. She was trying to gasp out words through her sobs, but all Erin could pick out was, “Mac…Mac…sit…mean!”

  Mackenzie could evidently understand these anguished wails better than Erin. Her face was red and scowling and obstinate, and she glared at her sobbing sister without pity. “I was not mean! I was sitting there first. Anna pushed me! Daddy, she started it—”

  While Mackenzie spoke, Anna’s wails had gotten louder. Her little face was just as red as Mackenzie’s was, and her hair, which had been pulled into a neat ponytail, had gotten snarled into an off-center mess.

  “Quiet,” Seth commanded.

  Immediately, both girls broke their words off again, clearly intimidated by their father’s authoritative voice.

  “I didn’t ask for explanations yet.”

  Despite her sincere explanations to Seth about wanting to be strong earlier, Erin was secretly glad that he was here to take care of this. She’d handled many fights before, but she was so drained and emotional at the moment that she wasn’t sure she would have done a good job of it this time.

  Besides, a tiny, girlish part of herself—the part that still couldn’t believe she was married to Seth Thomas—still loved to watch him being a daddy.

  Seth glanced over questioningly to Erin’s father, who had stepped away from Mackenzie at the approach of her parents. When they’d arrived, his face had looked stressed, but now he seemed to be slightly amused. He explained, “I believe it started over a dispute about who would sit on the best rock, as a chair for the tree stump table. I’m not sure how it got so out of control. We should have—”

  “Dad,” Erin interrupted. “Please. This obviously wasn’t your fault. The girls know better than to fight like this.” She gave Mackenzie, who was stewing, and Anna, who was whimpering, disappointed looks.

  They both started to respond at once, with what were obviously attempts to blame the other.

  “Wait,” Seth said, raising a hand to quiet them again. “Mackenzie, you tell me what happened first.” When Anna started to wail, he talked over her, “You’ll get to tell your side too, Anna. Mackenzie’s going to talk first.”

  Mackenzie sniffed and composed herself with admirable restraint. “We were going to eat strawberries on our table.” She pointed out the tree stump that they had so carefully set up with leaves, sticks, and rocks. “I found the good rock to sit on. But Anna kept trying to take it. She always tries to copy me. And it was my rock. Then she scratched me!”

  As proof, Mackenzie held up her bare arm, on which angry, red lines stood out in stark contrast to her fair skin.

  Throughout this whole explanation, Anna had been visibly trying to hold back her indignation, so urgently that she was squirming as she sat on the grass. The only thing keeping her from screaming defiantly was her father’s stoic face, which she was staring at with big, fearful eyes.

  Seth nodded and turned to Anna. “All right. Now you can tell your side.”

  Anna took a huge breath and knuckled tears out of her eyes. “Mac bosses me! She takes the best everything! She doesn't share. She said I’s too little! And then…and then…and then…she called me st—st—stupid baby!”

  Reminded anew of the infinite outrage of this remark, Anna burst into tears again.

  Erin sighed and shook her head.

  Seth said, “It sounds like both of you were mean to your sister. I guess, since you wanted to fight instead of have fun, we’ll just have to go back to the house.”

  At this dreadful news, both girls broke into anguished cries. Anna’s bawling was completely incomprehensible, but Mackenzie was choking out something like, “Strawberries.”

  “I know we were going to have strawberries, but you wanted to fight instead.”

  Erin’s heart ached at the sight of her babies so obviously heartbroken. They’d had such a hard time lately, and they’d been so happy earlier today. She almost couldn’t stand to take away the innocent fun they’d been enjoying.

  But one look at Seth’s face made Erin bite off her words. He was right. The girls shouldn’t be rewarded for fighting, no matter how guilty she felt about everything. And she certainly couldn’t contradict him in front of their daughters.

  “Let’s start putting things up now,” she said gently, putting a comforting hand on Anna’s head. “It’s time to go.”

  The girls both cried as they helped the adults fold up blankets and put the remaining food in the picnic baskets. At one point, Anna was sobbing so pathetically that Erin couldn’t help but kneel down and pull her into her arms to comfort her. No matter how bad she had been, she was still her baby. And her baby was so terribly upset.

  Erin was just about to get up to hug Mackenzie as well, when Seth put a hand on Mackenzie’s shoulder. “Anna, why don’t you walk home with Mommy? And Mackenzie can walk with me.” Glancing over at Erin’s father and Stella, he added, “Maybe you two would like
to take some time alone, after all this excitement.”

  Erin noticed Mackenzie staring up at Seth, with worried eyes and a slightly trembling lip.

  Seth evidently noticed this too. He stroked her long red hair and said gently, “You’re not in any more trouble than Anna. I just thought you might want to walk home with me.”

  On the way home, Erin had a long, earnest talk with Anna about scratching and pushing, ending by asking the girl how she would feel if she’d accidentally hurt Mackenzie really badly.

  Anna whimpered at the thought.

  When they got to the house, Anna’s anger was completely gone, and she was ready to apologize to her sister. She’d never been able to hold onto a grudge for very long.

  Erin didn’t know what Seth and Mackenzie talked about but, when they arrived, the girl’s face was sober, and her hand was tucked into Seth’s.

  In front of the house, the two girls faced each other in stiff awkwardness.

  Anna spoke first. “I’m sorry, Mac.” Somehow, she still looked adorable, even though her eyes were swollen, her face was smeared with dirt and tears, and her hair was an absolute disaster.

  “I’m sorry too,” Mackenzie mumbled, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot.

  “Maybe you should hug each other,” Erin suggested, giving Anna a little nudge forward. “Just so you know it’s all over.”

  Anna, who had always loved to hug, stepped forward and put her arms up obediently, with a look that was almost pleading. Mackenzie appeared reluctant, but she sighed heavily and accepted the hug. Even put her arms around her little sister and squeezed.

  When they pulled away, Anna was happy and relaxed again—her bad mood entirely forgotten. It didn’t take long for Mackenzie to recover from the incident as well.

  They had a quiet, pleasant afternoon, then a cozy dinner. And they had the strawberries out in the back yard for dessert, much to the delight of the girls.

  But, at seven o’clock, when Seth stood up and stretched, saying it was time for him to leave, the girls’ good moods erupted into hurt disappointment.

  They’d all been sitting on the grass, but both girls got up when their father did. “Daddy’s leaving?” Anna asked, her mouth wobbling dangerously.