Primal Touch

by Amber Jacobs

  Leandra looked away, then said, “I guess I just never thought of myself as being a likeable person.”

  Her voice was filled with a childlike quality that touched Ashley deeply. She shifted closer. “Why would you think that?”

  “Because it’s the truth.” Leandra paused, then corrected herself. “At least it used to be. I never really had any friends except my younger brother.”

  “You have a brother?”

  A faint nod, coupled with an even fainter smile. “Ricky. I haven’t seen him in a long while.” She thought for a moment. “Probably seven or eight years. He must think I’m dead.” A lone finger traced an idle pattern in the dirt. “I bet he’s happier thinking that than knowing the truth.”

  The bitterness Leandra directed toward herself shocked Ashley. “How can you say that? I’m sure your brother misses you terribly.”

  “The last thing he told me before I left was that he wished he could be more like me, even for just a moment. That way, he said, he could have had the cold-bloodedness to kill me without feeling any sorrow. I doubt he’d be thrilled to find out I’m still alive.”

  Ashley was silent, not knowing what to say or what comfort she could offer beyond a compassionate ear. Leandra had turned back to stare out at the darkening jungle, but by the distant, unfocused look in her eyes Ashley knew she was looking beyond the scenery, recalling long-buried memories.

  “My dad was in construction,” she said, her voice low and even. “We moved around a lot, wherever he found work. It was hard on Ricky and me, having to change schools so often. We were really close growing up, and when I started falling in with the wrong crowd, little brother came along for the ride. I think it was easier for me to set myself up as a bad-girl bitch, rather than make an effort to find real friends. Friends I’d have to leave anyway, as soon as my father found another contract. By eighteen, I was selling drugs to the other kids and helping my ‘friends’ fence the guns and other shit they stole. Pretty soon, we were getting in trouble for heavier stuff. I made other friends—people who offered me a better cut of the money. People who wanted someone willing to do what she was told without asking questions.”

  Ashley listened in silence, not speaking for fear that Leandra would stop.

  “I was pretty smart. Maybe not academically, but I had a good sense for dealing in the black market. I left home at nineteen and took Ricky with me. He was sixteen. The cops didn’t look too hard at him, so we made a good team. I learned quickly, and before long I attracted the attention of the big boys. They hired me as a runner, at first. Then I discovered I had a talent for smuggling and started moving up in the world. I got cocky, and it was only a matter of time before I started treading on the wrong toes.

  “Ricky and I worked together for a long time, but over the years, he changed. When his girlfriend overdosed and died, things got strained between us. It was like I was walking forward, and I’d keep drawing lines in the sand for him to cross. Every time, I’d promise that this one would be as far as we’d go; I wouldn’t ask for anything more. He followed me every time, until one day, I guess he decided he’d come far enough and couldn’t follow me anymore.”

  Leandra sighed and pushed long fingers into her tangled hair. “We parted on less than friendly terms. I was angry at him for leaving me. I thought we were going to be a team forever. I called him a coward and told him he was gutless for leaving me. He didn’t care. And when he was gone, neither did I. About anything. I threw myself into my work, not caring who I pissed off just as long as I got paid. It caught up with me, of course. I screwed over the wrong people, and they decided to make it personal.” Leandra blinked rapidly, her eyes wet with unshed tears. “My parents’ house was firebombed one Friday night. It burned to the ground, with them inside.”

  Ashley covered her mouth in horror. “Oh, Leandra! I’m so sorry.”

  “I never told them what I was doing, but I think they probably had some idea. At the funeral, Ricky blamed me for their deaths. It was my fault, he said. Even though I shrugged him off at the time, I knew he was right.”

  “No!” Ashley gripped Leandra’s shoulder and forced her to meet her gaze. “That’s not true. You couldn’t have known.”

  Self-loathing flashed in Leandra’s eyes. “Don’t you think I know that?” She pulled away. “For the next three years, that’s all I told myself. I wasn’t the one who threw the firebombs. I didn’t mean for them to die. But it doesn’t change the fact that if it weren’t for me, they’d still be alive. And no matter how much I told myself I didn’t care what Ricky said to me, it still hurt, worse than I could deal with. The only way I could handle the pain was to numb myself to everything I was doing.

  “After that, I decided I didn’t want to work for anyone but myself anymore. I set out on my own, and with the connections I’d made, it wasn’t long before I was making more money than ever before. I had it all: I buried myself in power, cash, drugs, sex, and tried to forget how much it all cost me. Soon, the drugs got harder, the sex got rougher, and I didn’t care who got hurt because of me. And then, I found a new market to exploit—the black market animal trade.

  “It was unbelievable. The demand was high, the risks were low, and the money was incredible. A single bird could bring in tens of thousands of dollars. I started trapping animals in Australia first, then moved to Africa and Asia. Before long, I wanted more, and I went after bigger prey. I liked it. Hunting elephants, rhinos, lions, everything. I wasn’t really doing it for the money anymore, but for the pleasure. It made me feel powerful and in control. Dangerous.”

  Her eyes closed, and Leandra’s voice sounded scornful. “I was such an idiot. I thought I was the Great White Hunter reborn. I thought I was top shit. If only I’d known…” She trailed off for a moment. “Then one day, one of my sources heard a rumor from the rangers in India. A safari group had seen something strange in the jungle. Something no one really believed was actually out there. A white tiger.”

  Leandra took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I knew the odds of the rumor being true were slim. I knew it was stupid to even consider going. But the chance, however remote, was too incredible to pass up. I wanted that tiger. Not for the money but for a trophy. Something I could have stuffed and mounted, so I could look at it and tell myself how damn good I was.” A painted lip curled derisively. “I left everything and hopped the first flight out here, ready to hunt.

  “It took me weeks just to track down where the reports had come from. The Bandhavgarh National Park is pretty well patrolled, but I didn’t care. Most poachers went in groups, but I didn’t want to share this kill. I came out here alone, four years ago, and I started searching for tracks. I found a few normal tigers, but no sign of the one I wanted. Then, out of the blue, I found fresh markings. A recent kill, with huge paw prints around it. Somehow, I knew this was the one. I followed the tracks, even when they led into denser jungle. I was brash and arrogant, and I deserved exactly what I got.”

  Ashley saw the slight motion as Leandra rolled her sore shoulder at the memory. “He found you first, huh?”

  “I never even saw it coming,” Leandra whispered. “One moment I was stalking my prey, and the next, I was flat on the ground with my face in the mud and four hundred pounds of cat pinning me down. I still remember the moment I realized that I’d walked right into a trap. The tiger had been hunting me all along. I struggled, but I could barely move. Then I felt hot breath at my neck…pressure and heat on my back where claws started raking me.” Leandra’s face was still, but her eyes were alive with remembered terror. A shudder ran through her body, and she hugged herself tight. “I’ve never felt anything worse than the sensation of those teeth clamping down on my shoulder…the unbelievable power in those jaws as they started biting. I was screaming like a child. My vision flashed on and off, and I could feel the vibrations of a growl going through my arm and neck. I knew I was going to die, and in the moment before I pas
sed out, I was grateful. I knew I deserved to die for everything I’d done. This was my judgment. Final justice. And I remember welcoming the end—the darkness—with every fiber of my being.”

  Ashley listened wide-eyed to the story, hanging on Leandra’s every word. “What happened?”

  “I woke up. My shoulder was a throbbing mess of blood, the muscle exposed right down to the bone. I didn’t know what was happening or why the tiger hadn’t killed me. I looked around and he was sitting there, not ten feet away. Like a statue. Just looking at me, with eyes like ice.” The emotion in Leandra’s voice changed subtly, the horror of the memories now blending to an expression of wonder. “I can’t even begin to describe what happened next. I’m not really sure I understand it myself. But the way he looked at me… It was like he could see every sin I’d ever committed, every hurt I’d inflicted.” Her voice became a whisper. “His eyes washed over my soul like a benediction, and it felt as though all the pain I’d tried to numb myself to rushed in to fill the empty places inside. I stared back at him, and I saw an intelligence and understanding there, beyond the animal. And I realized he was going to spare me. Show me a mercy I never would have shown him. I understood it as clearly as if he’d spoken the words.” Leandra sighed. “He was so beautiful, so strong and noble. I was filled with shame that I’d ever thought to hunt him. I looked back at what my life had become, and I realized that in all those years, I hadn’t done a single thing that I was honestly proud of. If I had died that day, my legacy would have been nothing but the pain and sorrow I had brought to the world.”

  Leandra was quiet for a moment, and Ashley could plainly see what it was costing her to claw open the faded scars of those memories. “I’d lost a lot of blood,” she continued softly. “I wasn’t conscious long. But just before I passed out again, something in his eyes changed. I don’t know how, but something passed between us, and I realized his mercy came with a price. He didn’t kill me, but a part of me died that day. When I next woke up, I was in a hut on the outskirts of a village. I’m still not sure how I got there. The couple who lived there refused to tell me anything. They saw my clothes; they knew what I was. But they didn’t turn me in. I think, somehow, they understood that something had changed me. They nursed me back to health, and I left as soon as I could walk again. I came back out here, leaving everything behind—my clothes, my identification, and all my weapons, except for a single knife. I could feel the guilt of every evil thing I’d ever done weighing me down: the death of my parents, the lives I’d destroyed with the drugs and guns I smuggled and sold, the torture of all the animals I’d caged or butchered. And I saw a way to even the scales. A punishment I deserved.”

  For the first time, Ashley understood what Leandra was doing out here. “You exiled yourself to the jungle, to protect the animals you once hunted.”

  Leandra nodded. “It felt like the first truly right thing I’d done in my whole life.”

  The darkness outside had deepened, and the moon illuminated swaths of rippling jungle in shimmering lines of iridescence. Ashley listened to the jungle sounds in the quiet that followed Leandra’s words, trying to imagine what it must have been like for her when she first came back here. Still weak from her injury, naked and torn within herself, yet reborn into a savage world to live among creatures equipped by evolution to survive against harsh odds. “How did you manage to live?”

  Leandra bowed her head. “I almost didn’t. It was hard at first. I’d been such a good hunter before that I thought I’d have no trouble surviving. But I was very wrong. Hunting with a gun is one thing, but the animals out here are always alert. In the beginning, I couldn’t get within a hundred feet of an animal without it running. I was hurting, filthy, and wishing I could just die rather than face the life I was choosing. But I didn’t give in. I ate whatever food I could find. Sometimes meat that the carrion feeders had abandoned. Sometimes I had to fight them off. The bad food made me sick, and I got weaker.

  “Then I found the white tiger again. This time, he didn’t attack me. I started following him around, thinking I could eat from his kills after he finished feeding. He tolerated my presence. There was something in the way he looked at me now that said he understood what I was doing, understood the decision I’d made better than I did. Over the days and weeks, I started moving closer and closer to him, and he only occasionally warned me away. I learned from the noises he made and the way he moved to tell what he was thinking. I could sense when he was hungry, angry, annoyed, content. I started to mimic his actions. Soon, I was moving quieter, faster. My hunting improved. The other tigers in the area got used to me, including Shar-Ranjana’s mother and brother. I named the great white tiger Shar-Tushar, and we grew to understand and respect one another. When poachers came, I hunted them to protect my new family. It felt good, knowing I was saving the animals. It felt like I was making up for part of my own crimes. I made my outfit from the skin of a young male tiger who died in a territorial dispute with Shar-Tushar. I sneaked into a small village and stole things I needed: a toothbrush, toiletries, things like that.”

  “But you couldn’t grab a hairbrush?” Ashley teased, plucking at one of Leandra’s tangled braids.

  Leandra grunted. “It wasn’t really my first priority. I used to keep my hair tied back in a ponytail, but in this humidity, it started getting frizzy and out of control. Since I only have my fingers for a comb, I braid it as much as I can manage. It’s easier to re-tie when it’s wet, but I don’t do it often.” She fingered one of the wiry braids idly. “I didn’t care what I looked like; months would go by without me seeing even a trace of other people, and the ranger patrols were easy to avoid. This became my new home.

  “I was still learning a lot every day, but I was determined to be every bit as much a tiger as my new family. Painting my skin helped hide me from prey, and I blended in better. I started wandering farther from here, going to the places I knew were favorite hunting sites for poachers. Still, no matter where I went, I never strayed too far.” Leandra paused. “In the end though, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t here when Shar-Tushar needed me the most. Again, I couldn’t save my family.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” Ashley said, hearing the self-recrimination in Leandra’s tone. “I’m sure you tried to save them.”

  “I was away to the north at the time,” Leandra said. “I came back, and they were all gone. By the time I found them, the poachers had already killed Shar-Tushar, his mate, and his son. I don’t know how Shar-Ranjana escaped their notice. There were about fifteen of them, well equipped with Jeeps and radio tracking gear to keep an eye on the rangers. They’d killed leopards, deer, elephants…and my family.”

  Ashley couldn’t stand the look of grief on Leandra’s face. “What did you do?”

  “The only thing I could do.” Leandra’s eyes were colder now, her voice gravelly and harsh. “I avenged their deaths.”

  Ashley shivered at the feral gleam in Leandra’s eyes. She could imagine how terrifying the tiger-woman’s wrath must have been at that moment.

  “I knew I couldn’t take on so many while they were alert during the day. So, I waited for night to fall before I moved into their camp. Most of them were asleep.” Shaking away the dark memories, Leandra drew a calming breath. “When the rangers found what I’d left of the poachers, I could see the horror on their faces. I knew word of the massacre would get out, and I hoped it would serve as a warning to those who would dare to enter the jungle. I took Shar-Tushar and the others away and buried them deep in the forest. But first, I took the teeth from the two adults and used them to craft these.” She held up her clawed hands, and for the first time, Ashley recognized that the claws were actually fangs. Leandra smiled wistfully. “I carry a part of them with me wherever I go, now. And every time I kill, I avenge them a little more.

  “After that, I stayed in the area for a while making sure Shar-Ranjana survived. I helped her hunt, and together we survived unti
l she was competent enough to go her own way. I considered staying, but the absence of Shar-Tushar made things seem so empty. I traveled around and hunted the poachers wherever they went, even into the foothills of the Himalayan Mountains.” Leandra regarded Ashley with a fond smile that caused her stomach to do a little flip. “I had no idea how long I’d been out here before you showed up. It felt like decades. I hadn’t realized how much I’d forgotten of my former life. Even my own name got buried.”

  Ashley returned the smile in equal measure. “It sounds very lonely,” she said softly.

  “Yeah, well, you get used to it after a while.” Clear cobalt eyes lowered. “But I’m glad you came here. I…” She hesitated. “It feels good to have someone to talk with again.”

  Ashley absorbed the kind words eagerly, enjoying the warm tingle that coursed through her blood at the intense look she was receiving. “You’re welcome.” She reached out a hand and gently touched Leandra’s shoulder. “I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me all that,” she said softly. “It means a lot to me.”

  Leandra’s nostrils flared, breathing in the scent of the younger woman as her skin burned from the innocent contact. “We should get some sleep,” she observed quietly. “Tomorrow will be a busy day.”

  “Oh?”

  “I need to bathe and redo my paint, and there’s still a poacher out there somewhere. I’d rather be the hunter than the prey.”

  “Oh, right.” Ashley glanced at Leandra’s sleeping pallet. “You don’t snore, do you?”

  Leandra grinned. “I don’t think so. Then again, it’s been a long time since anyone’s slept close enough to tell me.”

  “Well, I’m a pretty heavy sleeper anyway.” Ashley stood and helped Leandra to her feet. They made their way over to the mat and, after a moment of initial awkwardness, arranged themselves comfortably. Ashley, accustomed to having a pillow, quickly found Leandra’s shoulder made a suitable substitute, and she breathed contentedly as she shifted closer. “Is this okay?”