by Jude Ouvrard
Here, I kept to myself. I would only speak when there was no way out of it. I didn't want to build any friendships because I knew I wasn't going to stay in Brooklyn, let alone New York. Not making friends protected me from getting hurt again. I couldn't let my heart lose a loved one again. Later, when I stabilized, I would rethink the whole situation, but not now.
Some nights I had audience, but other nights, I played by myself and it was easy to let my mind wander to the music. It felt so good when I was playing. It was as if nothing had ever happened. I sat there in my own little universe and life became more bearable. Tonight, though, I had him sitting by the piano watching as my fingers danced on the black and white keys. At first, he had tried to get me to speak, but after more than fifteen attempts, he gave up. His name was Teodore but everybody here called him Teo. From my understanding, he'd been here for a couple of months and all the younger boys looked up to him. He cared about them and played nice to them most of the time, but I heard he was not to be messed with when he was having a bad day.
My piece was coming to an end and I knew my time at the piano was about to be over. Not wanting to waste a moment, I switched to another piece without taking a pause. His eyes met with mine. “Frederic Chopin?” he asked, and I nodded with a hint of a smile. I was surprised he recognized it because it wasn't the composer’s most famous piece. “My mom really liked Chopin. In her opinion, he was the greatest.” He added, his eyes welling up.
It broke my heart to see the sadness in his eyes. I knew it wasn't something he would let just anyone to see. Even though I kept quiet, he must have felt like he could trust me.
“He's my favorite.” I said, my voice raspy. The sound of it almost surprised me.
His eyebrows furrowed and a smirk appeared on his face. “Did you just speak to me or am I hallucinating?”
I rolled my eyes, I didn't like that he was making a big deal out of it. “I did,” I said returning my eyes on the piano, embarrassed.
“My mom isn't dead, but she is in a coma and has been for over a year now. The chances she will ever wake up is close to none.”
How terrible I thought. Knowing someone is alive and not being able to talk to her, to look in her eyes. To connect in any way. It would drive me nuts.
“I’m sorry. My parents are gone – I’m alone.” I looked him straight in the eye and I stopped playing. I hated that I'd opened up about it so easily. I bit on the inside of my cheek fiercely, I was so angry.
“I won’t tell anyone if that’s what you are worried about.”
Could I trust him? I would only find out with time. “Thank you.” The words escaped my mouth and I started playing again.
“Teo, can you come here? Luke is being mean again.” One of the youngest boys came in, interrupting us.
His eyes shifted for one second to the left of my line of sight. “I’m in the middle of something here. I can’t.” He waited, watched the little boy leaving the room, grumbling something incoherent. “Is this why you have nightmares every night?” he asked curiously as if we had never been interrupted.
Embarrassed, I wished he hadn't heard me or the sounds that escaped me while I slept, but I nodded anyway. The things I had seen that night would terrify me as long as I lived.
My time at the piano came to an end. I always dreaded that moment because I wished I’d had time to play one more piece. I took my sheet music and stood up. Teo was standing by the piano, probably waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t. I only gave him a small polite smile before I turned around and headed out of the room.
“Ophelia, stop!” He grabbed my arm and restrained me. I turned my gaze to his, wondering what he wanted. “You can talk to me, okay? I’ll listen and I’ll try to help.” He paused. “You aren't like anyone else here. I mean, you don't brag about how bad your life is or how tough you are and it’s refreshing. I want to be there for you because I know that deep down, you need someone to talk to.”
Fuck! I didn't know what to say, he had ambushed me. And the worst part was, he had a point. I needed someone.
“Just say something.”
I was scared to say anything. “Thank you, but I can’t.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “Unless you are legally prohibited from speaking, you can. And I strongly doubt a judge would do such a thing.”
“It’s my choice. I have to protect what’s left of my sanity. I can’t get attached to anyone ever.”
“I promise to be a total ass then. I swear you won’t get attached to me.”
I chuckled. He really wasn't going to let it go. “Okay.” I gave in and we walked out of the room together.
I normally liked to spend the last free hour of the night reading or writing to Bev, but Teo stayed glued to my side and I didn't know what to do.
“Don't you want to read?” he asked, knowing I wouldn't refuse the opportunity.
“Yeah, I do.” I blushed. “I’m gonna go get my book.” I got up and walked to my room faster than I would normally, as if I was trying to escape from something.
I pulled my hair in a ponytail before taking my book off the nightstand. My heart was beating faster – he was making me nervous. I didn't know how to act with his sudden friendship or whatever it was called. Walking back to the common room, I doubted he would still be there. I thought he probably had stuff to do, but he was there on the couch patiently waiting for my return.
“Come, I saved your place.”
I would have been touched if my place hadn’t been so damn close to his.
I smiled nervously and sat next to him. There was not even a quarter of an inch between us. He had to place his arm over the head rest in order for us to be comfortable.
“Get comfortable. You look so stiff.”
I tried to calm down and relax, but he was making me nervous. He pulled me into the seat, forced me to rest my back against the couch. Everything I did to keep my distance, he pushed it away in an instant. Teo wanted me to feel good and he wanted to be the one to make me feel good.
I read while he played subtly with my hair.
“You have the coolest hair color I’ve ever seen.”
I chuckled. I heard this so many times in my life. Being a redhead was kind of cool for me too. My hair had a deep orange shade to it, almost copper, and I had nice thick waves through the length.
“Thank you, Teo.” He smiled at me. “I normally prefer longer hair on a man but your shaved hair kind of suits you great.” I wonder if he keeps it so short because it’s easier to take care of.
“Thanks. I just shaved before you got here,” he commented.
Were we really discussing hair here? Maybe he was just trying to make conversation. I couldn’t tell, but I’d been honest with him, he looked great. I blushed just at the thought of it – he was a really good looking guy. I’d noticed the others staring at us – or more precisely, at me. I shut down like a clam, not liking the attention.
“You wanna get out of here?” he whispered for me to hear only. Teo had probably noticed my discomfort.
I nodded and two seconds later, he was standing, pulling me off the couch.
He led the way to the kitchen where he grabbed an apple, wiped it on his t-shirt and took a bite. I remained quiet, a few feet away from him. I watched him eat his apple, wondering what his story was. He was Italian, that much I knew. He had a little accent when he spoke and definitely had the look – dark hair, dark eyes and dark skin.
“You can take one.”
I shook my head no. I wasn't hungry, I rarely was. Missing my parents every single second of my life kind of took away my appetite.
I was avoiding looking at him because I knew he was staring and I was three seconds away from reaching for the sticky note in my pocket.
“Are you okay?”
I closed my eyes and shook my head no again. My fingers slid into my pocket to retrieve my precious piece of paper.
Beverly, piano, healthy... Beverly, piano, healthy... I repeated in my mind.
“What is it? A prayer or something.”
“A very short list of the only things I have left and love.”
“Can I see?” he asked, unabashedly nosy.
“No.” I fold the paper and put it back into my pocket. “I think I’m going to go to bed. School was rough today.”
“Why was it?” He seemed to love asking me questions, and he was relentless about it.
“Because school sucks.” I spat at him, not sure why my voice became so loud. The truth was that I missed Bev. School wasn’t the same without her there to entertain me. I missed her more than I thought possible. It wasn’t easy to be without her, and it added to my sadness and loneliness.
Just like that, I left him and walked to my bedroom. My eyes were heavy and tomorrow was one of those days where I had two exams to get through. Thankfully, I’d never had an issue with school, it came easily for me. My mom always had been proud to be the mother of a straight 'A' student. She kept bragging about it, which I thought was funny.
That night, I lay in bed thinking about where I could move when I turned eighteen. There was no way I was staying in this city. My desire for a fresh start had me thinking about the west coast, but I didn't know if Beverly was ready to move so far away from her family. Her parents were important to her and to me. I couldn't take her away from them. One thing was certain, it had to be somewhere we both wanted to be.
... O ...
The following morning, she called the center saying she had to talk to me urgently. The phone was in the common room by the kitchen, where all the action took place in the morning. We weren’t even allowed to have phone calls in the morning, so she must have lied to get to me.
“California? Are you sure?” I stood blinking in shock. It appeared Bev was more eager to move than I’d thought.
“Lia, California is Hollywood. The stars, celebrities, the whole thing.”
I rolled my eyes at her, loving that she couldn't see how exasperated I was.
“We could move to Colorado, Texas, or Washington.” There were plenty of places I could think of.
“Think about it, we could choose between San Diego, Los Angeles or San Francisco. I’m almost 100% sure that there are plenty of opportunities for your music career over there.”
She was right about that part, anyway. “I’ll take a look at the universities and get back to you later today,” she gushed.
“Are you sure about that?” I asked her, taking the last bite of my breakfast.
“I am. Check your email when you get to school. Later.”
She hung up, leaving me speechless. “California!” I murmured to myself in disbelief.
“What’s up in California, Miss Ophelia?” Teo asked standing next to me, startling me. How come I didn't notice he was there before now?
“It looks like I’ll be moving there soon.”
“Far, far away,” he stated.
“Yes. I need to leave this city. I need a fresh start with no memories attached.”
“I’m starting to understand why you don't want to make friends.”
I nodded.
“Do you really think your memories will fade because you are away?” he asked, arrogant as always.
“No, but at least I’ll stop seeing them everywhere I go. Everything reminds me of them, that they’re gone.”
“What happened?” He finally asked me the million dollar question.
“They were killed in our home while I was away. The murderer was part of a gang, or at least, he was trying to be. It was his initiation. He's dead too.”
Teo was speechless for once.
“A little over two months ago,” I added.
“Damn, I’m sorry.” His face blanched, and he looked pained.
“It’s not your fault,” I said, confused.
“I know but... you’re so strong. Since my mom's accident, my dad completely lost it. He's always with his guys and he doesn't care about me at all. He shut down on us. So I rebelled against him and everything else. I guess he didn’t want to deal with me anymore. That’s why I'm here. It’s better for me, anyway. Safer. “
“Why didn’t you try to get emancipated?” Sometimes I was still asking myself why I hadn’t gone that way, but I knew that it would have end badly. The center was a safe place to live with support, something that I didn’t have to worry about while I tried to get better. I needed to get better and accept the tragedy that my heart and soul were battling with.
“Because I had nowhere to go,” he replied bluntly.
“Same here, I’m not going back to my house. As soon as I turn eighteen, I’m out of here and I’ll need to find a place to call home.”
“And that will be in California?”
I giggled, nervous. “Apparently.” I paused. “Beverly is moving in with me no matter where we go, but I think she is convinced California is perfect for us.”
“I spent a lot of time in California. My grams used to live there.”
“Good coincidence.”
“I guess so.” He furrowed his eyebrows. “Don't get attached to me. I’m an ass, remember?”
“Yes, yes, I do.” I smiled. He was an ass to some people around here, but to me, he was nothing but nice and caring. The fact that he acted differently with me astounded me, but it also pleased me in a way. I preferred not to think about. How I felt when I realized that I would see him again was a mix of happiness and relief. I was getting attached to him, I tried not to but I couldn't control it.
As soon as I got to school, I logged in on the computer at the library and Beverly had sent me an email. I opened it.
From: Beverly
To: Ophelia
Date: April 17th, 2004
Object: San Diego
Lia,
Check this out... There is a BA in Music at the University of San Diego. We’re too late for scholarships, but if I were you, I would contact them anyway. When they find out you’re interested in their school, I’m sure they’ll make some kind of exception, right?
I’m trying to help you here. So, I emailed them one of your performances. I found a couple on the internet. I’m awaiting for their answer. Don’t hate me, please.
I sent my application too... so we’ll see what they say, right?
I love you!
Beverly
I hated her and loved her at the same time. My heart rate was going way too fast and my hands were all sweaty. Would I be moving to San Diego? I emailed her back quickly before the beginning of class.
From: Ophelia
To: Beverly
Date: April 17, 2004
Object: RE: San Diego.... It doesn’t look like I have any say in this.
I hate you. BUT the fact that you did all this for me make me love you even more. I hate you in a good way.
Why San Diego?
Missing you.
Lia
School was a never-ending nightmare. It represented the place where I really felt all alone. No friends, no Teo or no Beverly to entertain me. I was left to myself with my demons. All I could do was think about my struggles. During lunch time, I tried sneaking into the choir room to play piano, and that normally made my day much better.
Thankfully I had shorter days at school because of my therapy program, which was the moment in my day I always looked forward to. Therapy really did help me. It removed a weight from my shoulders.
My science partner thought I was a mute. He was about to start sign language when I finally gave in and talked to him. To say that he was surprised to hear my voice was an understatement. He almost fell off his chair. It might be ridiculous to other students, but I just didn’t want to be involved with anyone. I wasn’t ready to love or to let anyone in yet. Apart from Teo, he was the exception to my rule. A small grin made its way to my lips when I thought of him. There was something about him, the bad boy mixed with the Italian romanticism. I couldn’t figure out why I had let him talk to me, but one thing was sure, I couldn’t let him go.
... O ...
/> That night, I had a nightmare so terrifying and real that I ended up sick to my stomach. I ran to the bathroom and emptied my guts as soon as I met with the toilet bowl. I had the smell of blood imprinted in my nose. There were no blood around me or on me but, I could smell it and it made me sick.
Vomiting and crying at the same time seemed impossible, but here I was in the middle of the night alone in the cold bathroom doing that very thing. When I thought I was feeling better, the door opened slowly.
“Ophelia, are you okay?” Teo had obviously heard everything.
“I’m fine, you can go back to your room.” I told him in between sobs.
He entered the bathroom and I immediately felt embarrassed with myself. I was sitting on the floor, right next to the toilet, crying all the pain I felt. I did not even bother thinking about the smell.
“Don’t tell me you’re fine, you are anything but fine.” He knelt before me and wiped my face with some toilet paper. “Do you want a glass of water?”
“Please, that would be nice.”
“Anything, Lia.”
He left and returned soon after with a tall glass of cold water. “Take this.” I could see on his face that he really was worried about me. The sad part was that I was used to waking up like this. It wasn’t anything new to me.
Today though, with the University of San Diego contacting me about their music program, I had been feeling like a ball of nerves. They had called me not even three hours after Bev had send my videos. They said they were surprised to hear from me after being turned down, and they hadn’t expected that I would be tempted to move to the West Coast after all. It surprised me that they knew about me. It had never occurred to me that they would. My dad used to be in charge of this aspect of my career. He must have turned them down before his death. I wondered why. Probably to keep me closer to home.
