by Jude Ouvrard
“Are you ready to go back to your room now?” Teo asked, startling me.
“No but, it’s not like I have any other choice, right?”
I didn’t hate living here, but it was far from heaven. I missed the feeling of home. The warmth of sleeping in my own bed, on my own sheets... here, everything was meaningless and cold.
“Come with me.” I didn’t know what he meant by that but I followed him to my room. He slid under my comforter and open his arms to me. What? Did he really think I was going to meet him there and cuddle?
“Come on, you’re hurting my ego now. I just want you to sleep for more than three hours, okay? Nothing sexual here.”
Thank God! I wasn’t going to lose my virginity tonight, of that I was certain. I sat on my bed, looking at his eyes, trying to gauge his intention. He didn’t let anything slip; he was in control of the situation. I slid under my covers and he pulled me to him. My whole body was stiff, I was so nervous. I had never been this close to a guy before. Teo had a way with me. He liked taking care of me, and in all honesty, he was a great guy, a cute one too.
We spent each night of the week like this. Teo would return to his room a little before six in the morning. With him, I slept better. Sometimes, we would sleep on opposite side of the bed, and sometimes we cuddled, just a little bit. I had to mention that to my therapist. My daily consultations were normally concentrated on the nightmares, on my adaption to my life without my parents and how I should try to go on with my life. I had to find myself goals, short terms for the most part. Teo’s arrival in my life had changed something. I liked having him around even though I had this constant reminder that I had to stay away. I couldn’t let my heart love him, but it was too late not to get attached. I really cared for him and I felt like I was better when we were together. He was bringing a sense of safety into my life, and that meant more than anything. I had talked about him to my therapist during our previous session because I knew I was going to have to say goodbye and I had to find a way to do it without getting hurt. If it was even possible.
“How do you feel about your life at the moment?”
It took me a couple of seconds to think this question through. “I’m not sure. I feel like I’m waiting for my life to start. School will be over soon, we’re going to move out of town, my best friend and I. I hope to see Teo outside of the center too. I can keep it together because I know what’s coming and it motivates me. I’m doing better emotionally, I think.”
“What about Teo?” My face flushed at the probing question. “What do you expect from this relationship?”
I chuckled to cover the fact that the question embarrassed me. “He’s a friend, that’s all. My heart can no longer love, it’s been hurt too much.” I lied to myself. “I hope we’ll keep touch when I move away because I like him. He’s a pretty neat guy.”
“Give yourself time, Ophelia. Don’t forget that you’re young, and you will love again. When you heart is healed, you will love. It’s important that you do.”
“I have so much to achieve in my life, that I don’t know if I’ll have time to even think about it. I want to play with the biggest orchestras. I want to finish writing my concerto and travel around the world to show everybody what I’m capable of.”
“Never stop believing in yourself and what you are capable of achieving. This will be your biggest strength in life.”
He was right.
Our session was over too soon. I was in the mood to talk, to express my feelings. There were days where it pained me, but not today.
As I walked out the door of his office, the sun in the blue sky blinded me. Another splendid day in Brooklyn, I tried to enjoy them. Soon, I would be facing the sun of California and that made my smile wider than ever.
“Hey Ophelia!” His husky voice surprised me.
“Teo, what are you doing here?” I asked happily.
“It’s Friday night and we’ve been good. We’re allowed out of the center once in a while.” He laughed.
How come I hadn’t known that before? The idea of calling Beverly to hang out came into my mind. I missed her.
“Do you think I could call my friend and meet her somewhere?”
His smile faded as he said. “I was thinking we could go to the movies together.”
“It’s a good idea, I haven’t been there in a while. Would you mind if I call her and ask her to come along?”
Teo didn’t look pleased, but he said yes regardless.
I called her as soon as I found a public phone because yes, I was one of the only teenagers without a cell phone.
“Hello,” Bev answered her phone. Her voice sounded bored, lonely. It didn’t sound like the Bev I knew.
“It’s me!” I squealed happily. I could feel the jitters throughout my body, I was so happy to talk to her.
“Lia! Mom, it’s Lia.” The tone of her voice changed in a second.
“What are your plans for tonight?”
“I’m going to the mall with my mom, why?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies with Teo and me.”
Bev was silent. I thought she was going to say yes right away but she didn’t. “Is he with you now? She whispered. I rolled my eyes at her.
“It’s not like that... but yes.” My eyes met Teo’s and I was certain he knew what I meant by it’s not like that. There was a hint of blush on Teo's cheeks and a shy smile traced on his lips. He wanted more. I could sense it. If I was still living my old life, I would have jumped head first into that relationship, but now things were different. I had to fight for myself. I had to work hard or even harder to make a living. There was no way I was going to sit on my ass while spending my parents’ inheritance.
“Lia?” Beverly noticed my moment of anxiety through the phone. “Where and when do I meet you?”
“Get here as soon as you can. We'll be at the center.”
I hung up and almost started jumping up and down in excitement. I was going to see my best friend and that was priceless.
“I never thought you would be so happy to see a friend.” Teo chuckled.
“She’s not just a friend, she is my best friend, like a sister. I miss her a lot. It will be really nice to see her tonight.”
We started walking toward the center. I was trying to think of what I should be wearing, not that I owned anything worthy, but I wanted to be pretty.
“That’s why she’s moving to California with you.”
“Yeah, she wants to be with me and I appreciate it because she’s all I have left.” The sadness in the tone of my voice was noticeable. It pained me to see how much I had lost in my life.
“Don't say that. You have me too. I’m not going anywhere. I don't have much holding me back here. My dad is anything but a dad. He tried to pull me into his shit, but I objected. He cares more about his club and his friends than he does about me, and they aren't exactly on good terms with the law. My mom – well you know her story. The rest of my family, they haven't called or visited. I’m probably not one of their priorities right now.” He paused to catch up on oxygen. “So, I care, okay? Add me to your list because you have me, Lia, always.”
I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to hug him. My heartbeat was betraying me, I felt something for him and every day it was getting stronger. I didn’t want to get attached, because I was leaving for California soon but I feared that we were going to be linked for a very long time.
We had stopped walking, we were staring at each other, and our eyes locked. I gave in and I hugged him with all the strength I possessed.
“Don’t leave me.” I demanded.
“I’m going with you, wherever you’re going.”
Chapter THREE
***
Temptations. Desire.
What if we kiss?
Lust. Need.
What if I love again?
Love. Again.
What if it’s too late?
***
The movie hadn't started yet and alre
ady half of my popcorn was gone. My lips were swollen from all the chemicals they put in there. My conversation with Teo earlier had me feeling nervous, and eating the popcorn was my only remedy. The fact that we were clear about our type of relationship helped me. We knew what to expect.
I was sitting between Teo and Bev and while the previews for the upcoming movies played, Bev and I couldn't stop talking even if we tried. Her eyes kept shifting towards Teo. She had already told me, murmured into my ear, that she thought he was hot and that he definitely had a crush on me. My cheeks heated and my hands became all sweaty. I knew that already, but her confirmation made it even more real. Teo wasn’t playing game. What would have happened tonight if I hadn't invited Beverly? Would Teo have tried to make a move? Damn, I felt bad. I looked at him for a couple of seconds after my realization of what his plan probably was and he just smiled.
“Are you okay?” he asked me.
I nodded. “Are you?”
“Couldn't be better,” he answered with such intensity. He ran his tongue over his voluptuous bottom lip. Hot! My heart skipped a beat. I felt like Elena watching Damon in Vampire Diaries. Teo had me sired, completely in synch with him.
Again I craved his lips but I reminded myself I couldn't lose focus on my life. Being in love and caring for someone else was time-consuming and it also involved an emotional side which I clearly wasn't ready for. His arm slid behind my neck, he wasn't really subtle. When I looked at Teo, he winked and told me not to overthink it. Right!
Then I heard Bev say, “Oh my God!” which had me blushing even more. I was used to being in his arms by now, after all the nights we spent together, but it was a first in front of my best friend or in public.
One thing was certain, I couldn’t deny the attraction and tension between Teo and me. The lights of the theater shut down, leaving us in a pitch black room. I felt Teo lips on the skin of my shoulder. Of course, I had to wear the only tank top I owned. He gave me numerous pecks on the shoulder, leaving me breathless. I wanted to kiss him, so badly. We had never kissed, this was definitely a new step for us. Us? The screen eventually came alive, and Bev was staring at me in disbelief. I was fighting so hard not to pull him to me and devour his lips. It was just a kiss, but for me, that meant a lot. I was a seventeen-year-old virgin after all.
The time flew, the movie was the funniest thing I had ever seen. I laughed and so did my two friends. To them, it might be easy to express enjoyment of the humor, but to me, hearing the sounds of laughter coming out of my mouth was to best damn feeling in the world. For a little over two hours, I concentrated on the movie and on the gentleman sitting next to me. Nothing else mattered. It felt like the good old days, almost as joyful.
Outside the theatre, the weather was brisk. Beverly had her arm hooked to mine. We were both shivering.
“Thank you, girls. I had a good time tonight.” Teo said.
His words struck me as a bit odd. “Why are you thanking us, it’s not like you had to force me to go with you.”
He smiled shyly. “I know, but today is special. It’s my birthday.”
The blood drained from my face. This declaration meant so many things. First, I’d had no clue, so I didn't get him a present and I felt like an idiot. Second, he was eighteen years old, meaning he was now free. Free to leave the center and I didn't like that at all. In fact, I hated it. There was no way I was going to say goodbye, I cared way too much to let him go.
“Lia, are you okay?” Beverly asked, worried.
My heartbeat was so strong that I felt it in my ears. “Happy birthday,” I answered with a broken voice.
“Don't be like that, Lia. I told you I’m not going anywhere.”
“You are free... free to leave the center.”
“I am, but I’m not going far. My dad lives 10 minutes away. I’ll be staying there until we're ready to move. I hope you don't mind, Beverly.” He looked at her, his eyes begging for approval. “I just can’t let her go.”
“If she's fine with it, so am I.” Beverly added.
He smiled with more self-assurance. “Tonight was perfect. I was with people who cared and it meant a lot to me.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” I needed to know.
“Because I didn’t want you sad, I wanted you happy. You smiled, you laughed, you were happy all evening and I don’t want that to change now.” His eyebrow furrowed. He really did want me to have a good time on his special day.
“Wow, geez, guys! You sound like a thirty year married couple. Way too intense for my taste,” Beverly exclaimed. “When did you get so mature?’’
Her words surprised me. When did I get so mature? My life had made me mature in a short amount of time. “My life is like a wildfire that I’m trying to keep control of. So many things changed in me. How I see things, the people I decide to care about, how I have to take what I have left and make it better.” I paused. “You will always be the best friend I need and love. Always. But there is definitely something in Teo that I need too and we both know it.” The tears were coming, I tried as hard as I could to hold them in. “That’s all there is, Bev.”
“She’s been through enough shit already. I want her happy and I’m sure you want the same thing, Beverly. I’ve also had my share of problems. It’s time for me to move on and become someone better.” He didn’t want to be a replica of his father, a man who had stopped believing in family and love.
Beverly was staring at both of us with her eyes wide open. I didn’t think she expected that kind of answer, but it explained how we both felt, Teo and I.
“If it’s your birthday, why don’t we grab a piece of cake before saying goodbye? There’s a little café down the street,” Beverly suggested, changing the subject to something lighter. “I saw it when I got here, but I have no idea if it’s any good.”
“Sounds good to me.” Teo smiled and fist pumped with Beverly, who thought it was absurdly funny.
We started walking toward the café, all three of us together. It was as if we had always been friends. Everything was going to be alright for us in California. If I had any doubts before, they were all gone. I was surrounded by good people and that was all I desired.
“So we need to start looking for an apartment soon. I did some research, but now we need an extra room,” Beverly added with enthusiasm. “I’m liking the idea of having a man moving with us, it’s safer. He’ll protect us.”
“Of course! Spiderman can back off. Teo is here to the rescue,” he joked and we all laughed.
We finally arrived at the café. There were Italian flags all over the front windows. Teo held the doors for us and we walked in. It smelled so good. A mix of brown sugar, vanilla and butter. I knew I was about to gain five pounds by eating sweet pastries at this exact moment.
“Teodore! Come stai?” An older lady asked with happiness. Of course, he’s Italian and this is an Italian bakery. There was every chance that he would run into someone he knew, right?
“Pina! Sto bene, e tu?”
“Hai fame? Vuoi mangiare qualcosa?” She walked closer to us and grabbed his hand and simply kept it safe in hers.
“Si, certo.” He looked at me, his cheeks flushed. “Did you girls choose what dessert you want to eat?”
“No, we were too busy watching you speaking Italian.” Beverly’s voice was almost too thrilled. No wonder he was blushing. She then looked at me and silently mouthed the word hot.
“We’re here to eat cake. It’s your birthday. What are you ordering?” He was the one getting spoiled here, not us. “Come on, tell me. It’s on me.”
“Teo, is it your birthday?” Pina asked him in her deep accent. He nodded in response. I could tell that he was a bit shy, not enjoying the spotlight. “My treat, kids, my treat. Your mom wants you to have a good birthday, Teo.” He nodded again, sadness appearing in his eyes.
“Grazie, Pina.”
She took him into a warm and loving embrace. I didn’t know how much they knew each other, but they were close enough f
or her to know the situation with his mother.
“A Sfogliatelle, Teo?” Pina seemed to know his favorite. “And for you ladies?”
“Surprise me,” I told her. I wasn’t able to pick a dessert. There were so many. Some I had tried, but most of them were new to me. My stomach growled at the sight of all the pastries sitting behind the counter.
“A cheesecake, please.” Bev loved cheesecake, her obsession.
We all sat at a small, round table nearby. I was looking at the walls of the café. There was so much history about their family. Framed pictures decorated the walls, some from Italy and some from the opening of the café. Café or bakery, I mean. They were serving coffee but they were also bakers selling fresh pastries, dessert and even sandwiches. I’d spent all my life in Brooklyn and never come in this neighborhood before. I’d missed out on a few places.
Pina came back with the Sfogliatelle, the strawberry cheesecake and to my surprise, a cannoli. She placed the plates before each of us and left to get hot beverages. It looked delicious. The steaming cup smelled like chocolate. I couldn’t see what it was exactly beneath all the whipped cream. I brought it to my lips and tried to get a sip but it was too hot and I ended up burning my lip.
“Wait a couple of minutes, Lia. This is the best hot chocolate you’ll ever taste.” Teo caressed my lip with his thumb and the pain was replaced by a tickling sensation.
... O ...
The night had been amazing, perfect. Bev and Teo were getting along and that meant a lot. She agreed to let him moved in with us and for that I would forever be thankful. To her, he was still a stranger. She had to trust me on that one.
It was late, very late and I was still awake in my bed. My eyes weren't tired, and my mind was going hundred miles an hour. Things had been different tonight. Teo had been more demonstrative of his affection, and I loved it. I absolutely loved it, but I was still battling with my emotions and I want to make the right decisions for my life. There was no way I could commit full-time to a serious relationship with him and I hoped he knew that. In case he didn't, I had to let him know nicely. I wasn't saying no, I was only saying not now. His kisses, his thumb on my lip, what and how I felt when he touched me, they were indescribable. I’d never felt these sensations before and it scared me because I didn't know how to react to them.
