The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly
Page 10
the fuck are you, Tammy Faye Baker? Get lost, before we make you get lost.
ASHLEY
Until I get that white chest I am not going anywhere!
Vanessa clutches the chest.
BOBBY
Nope. My baby, Vanessa, wants to keep it. It belongs to her, now.
FRANK
You heard the man. Now, do what's good for you and GET LOST!
Ashley doesn't move. Frank nods to Cindy. She steps up to Ashley and pushes her.
CINDY
Get lost, before I make you even uglier!
She pushes Ashley, again.
BRITNEY
(O.C.)
Don't you dare touch her!
Britney dashes past Ashley, leaps, and smashes her fist into Cindy's nose. Cindy's nose spatters snot and blood. She drops to the ground and sobs. Britney screams at Cindy.
BRITNEY
Nobody hurts my sister but me!
Frank drops Jack and grabs Britney. Jack slowly passes out, again.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
SECONDS LATER.
Jack awakes because Tim is shaking him.
TIM
Jack, wake up! You won't believe this!
Jack slowly sits up to see Rowdy Roddie Piper hovering over him, choking Bobby. Jack squints and rubs his eyes.
ASHLEY
Put her down!
FRANK
I told you to get lost and you didn't. So now my baby- girl is lying on the dirty streets of Ybor covered in her own blood and snot! Bobby, what do think I should do about this?
Silence.
FRANK
Bobby, do you hear me talking to you?
Frank turns around to see Bobby being choked out by Rowdy Roddie Piper.
FRANK
Who the fuck are you?
Frank throws Britney down and marches towards Piper.
FRANK
Drop him before I make you pay big time!
Piper drops the overweight, limp body of Bobby onto Jack as he strides towards Frank. Jack fades back into unconsciousness
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
SECONDS LATER.
Jack awakens to a loud BANGING noise. He crawls from beneath Bobby to see Piper ramming Frank's head into the hood of the Jeep.
Tim drags Bobby off of Jack and helps Jack to his feet.
Just as Jack retrieves his balance and consciousness, Ashley slugs him in the nose. Jack wobbles back and collapses. He blinks a few times and once again, goes black.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
SECONDS LATER.
Jack's eyes flutter open as he GASPS for air. He looks directly at Britney's plump boobs while she chokes him. Ashley wrestles Britney off of him and drags her away by her hair.
Tim lifts Jack to his feet and shakes him. Jack produces a delirious smile on his bruised, slimy face.
Piper separates Ashley and Britney.
PIPER
Now, what is the problem between you two?
BRITNEY
We're sisters.
ASHLEY
You're not my sister!
BRITNEY
OK, I mean step-sisters.
ASHLEY
You aren't ANY sister of mine, you shallow bitch.
BRITNEY
What? Why are you always hating on me?
ASHLEY
Because… because you're pretty and obnoxious…and you don't treat me and our parents with any respect.
They both stare at each other silently for a moment. Piper swats at a mosquito BUZZING around his head.
BRITNEY
Our parents? All of a sudden my mom is your mom? I thought you didn't want us around?
ASHLEY
I don't. But as long as my dad loves your mom and your stupid ass I have no choice but to love you as well, because I love my dad.
Britney's bottom lip quivers and her chin wrinkles as she begins to sob. Ashley hugs her. Piper swats at the pesky mosquito, again.
BRITNEY
I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was being so selfish. I just get so caught up in myself sometimes.
ASHLEY
It's actually all the time. But It's ok, you can't help being this awesome when you're related to me. Let's go home.
Piper hugs the sisters.
PIPER
This is wonderful.
They push him off.
BRITNEY
Ewwwww, don't touch us, fag.
Ashley grabs the white chest.
TIM
No way, that belongs to us! I didn't sacrifice my first big account to come out here and go home empty handed.
PIPER
Big account? Are you in marketing or something because I have this idea…
ASHLEY
(interrupting)
Too bad! Your loser brother sold it to me, so it is mine! And after what he has put me through, I am NOT just handing it over to you.
Jack staggers to his feet and mumbles like a drunk.
JACK
(delirious)
Hey, Tim. Is that Rowdy Roddie Piper?
TIM
Yes, Jack, it is.
Piper swats the mosquito. SPLAT!
JACK
Wooooooo! Rowdy Roddie Piper. He is tough so you don't have to be!
Tim's expression changes as if he just figured out the meaning of life. He grabs Piper by the shoulders.
TIM
Mr. Piper, if you help me get that chest, I promise you a prominent position in a growing company that only you are perfectly qualified for!
JACK
That's my brother, Timmy, Mr. Last minute! Tag-teaming with Rowdy Roddie Piper to take down the evil Mary-Cay sisters!
Piper looks at him doubtfully for a moment and then glances over at Ashley.
ASHLEY
Don't listen to him. They are both a couple of liars!
Piper watches incoherent Jack for a another moment.
PIPER
Nice kilt, Jack! Nice kilt.
Jack throws him two thumbs up and a bloody, toothy grin.
JACK
Hey Mr. Piper, do you cut yourself and bleed?
PIPER
What?
TIM
Not now, Jack. Not now.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
EXT: MAY'S HOUSE. BACKYARD.
The green grass is freshly mowed and covered with folding chairs. The warm afternoon sun bathes a group of children as they chase Sammie through the garden. Parents, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, and cousins mingle and hug.
May sits proudly in the middle of her family's reunion.
The white chest sits atop a pedestal adorned with doilies and shiny ribbon in the midst of two long tables lined with platters of sliced fruit, cold cuts, and snacks. A few bottles of Kutter brand mosquito repellant sit beside the pedestal.
Seven children are piled in a heap. They laugh and scream as Jack erupts from the middle of the pile and tosses them around one by one. He flexes and points at each of them!
JACK
Ha ha! You can't keep me down you little fuckers...FARTS, you little FARTS!
A few adults stand and watch. They nod in disapproval as they retrieve their children from Jack's influence. Tim watches his brother with an enormous smirk.
TIM
I see we are recovering nicely from multiple concussions.
JACK
Yeah. But I can't remember much between yesterday and Saturday. I just keep having this strange dream about a transvestite named Tonya.
TIM
Yeah, that is a strange dream.
JACK
Tim, I try to remember what happened in Ybor the other night, but I… really… .can't.
TIM
We got the chest back and I think I can fairly say that we are even.
JACK
Ok, fine. No more rides on the memory express. You're loss.
Delores approaches them.
DELORES
&nb
sp; Come on boys, you're grandma is about to make her announcement.
Everyone scurries to surround May. All the women press to the front. May steps up onto a small platform and holds the precious white chest in her arm.
MAY
Well, I guess it is time. I really wanted to put it off as long as possible today, but I realize everyone is getting anxious and I have had my turn long enough. What's a few more hours after almost fifty years? I hold the greatest tradition and piece of history in our family in my arms. It is more than just a little white chest with a beautiful bible inside. It took me years to realize its significance. And that is something only the next recipient of it will understand. If they choose to share that in time then that is their decision. But for me, I keep it in my heart. I hope you all can understand.
Everyone claps and nods.
MAY
Don't you think for a second that it was easy for me to choose which young lady in our extensive family I wanted to pass it down too. Especially since you've all been extra sweet lately.
All the women giggle.
MAY
I didn't want to base it on who was my favorite or who has been there for Grandma the most or who is the most successful. I merely reflected on my grandmother's decision fifty years ago and it just dawned on me. Have I built up enough suspense?
Everyone is on their toes in anticipation of her announcement.
MAY
This is exactly how I imagined this moment would be. Surrounded by family from near and far. Everyone in good spirits and health…well, almost everyone. Where is my young Jack?
The crowd separates down the middle to reveal Jack feeding Sammie some cold cuts. As Jack realizes all attention is on him, he pretends to reprimand the dog.
JACK
No! Sammie, I told you no! Bad dog! Tim, you need to teach your dog some discipline.
Tim shakes his head.
MAY
Jack, will you come up here and hold this for me. It is getting heavy.
Jack wipes his hands on his pants and dashes to his Grandma's side. She delicately hands him the chest.
MAY
Thank you. How does it feel? It isn't burdensome for you, is it?
JACK
No, light as a feather. I could hold it all day.
MAY
Good. How about fifty years?
Everyone GASPS and murmurs. Jack is oblivious!
JACK
I don't know, that's a long time. I guess if someone was there to…
He notices everyone staring at him in disbelief. He glances at his grandma. She smiles patiently at him.
JACK
What? No. No, definitely not. I can't even hold a job, much less the Hoffleday heirloom for fifty years. Besides, I'm not a woman, isn't this thing supposed to go to a chic? Please, take it back Grandma. This is a BIG mistake.
MAY
No. It is yours Jack. I think your grandfather would have wanted it this way.
MAY
(continuing)
Can everyone give us just a minute please; I have a few small things to tell Jack.
All the men and children return to mingling as the women slowly saunter away in shock. May holds Jack hand.
MAY
I don't know where to begin with you, boy. You almost FUCKED everything up.
Jack's jaw drops to the floor as his Grandma sees right through him!
MAY
I haven't always been Grandma, you know. I used to be the late-night life of the party. I was the girl who swore like a sailor, drank like a pirate, and fought like a rabid dog. I used to be the baddest girl around. When I came home, which was whenever I wanted and without regard for authority, I was the black sheep. That was my life about fifty years ago. Until you're great, great grandma took a chance and dropped that white chest in my lap. The look on your face is exactly what mine was when I realized it was time to grow up and be responsible! Jack, I know you sold the chest and somehow, someway you got it back. And I am not the slightest bit surprised because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! Not far at all.
Jack gawks at his Grandma.
MAY
It was never about choosing the girl of the family that was most trustworthy or any crap like that. I don't know who started that rumor but the ass-kissing around here has been at an unbearable all-time high. It has been about choosing the family member that needed a swift kick in the ass, and a smack in the face to inspire some responsibility and motivation. For a while I thought it was