The Winemaker's Dinner: Entrée

by Dr. Ivan Rusilko

  Oh, she’s screwed.

  Karma!

  No, she isn’t.

  She didn’t do anything.

  It was an accident.

  Yes, she is.

  She probably fucked

  another man, certainly lied

  about it, and has been

  acting like nothing’s wrong.

  People do it

  all the time.

  She’s young, and

  they aren’t married.

  She’s leading him on.

  Living a lie just to keep

  her dirty little secret.

  He’s happy,

  so who cares?

  Again, they aren’t married.

  So what if they were?

  What would happen then?

  Doesn’t matter.

  They aren’t, and they

  won’t be for a while.

  Time heals all.

  That’s bullshit.

  “Here you go, ma’am.” A waitress interrupted round two of Jaden’s inner battle to place a caprese salad in front of her. The smell of food, even food this good, only kicked up her nausea.

  “Delicious,” Tasha called from across the table with a mouth full of tomato.

  Jaden managed a smile she hoped seemed enthusiastic as she cut the tiniest bite possible from a piece of mozzarella. As she put it in her mouth, willing it to stay down, she leaned over to look past Tasha. She watched as Ivan and Gary shared another handshake. Gary pointed out various places around the room and motioned to what looked like a spotlight in the far corner. The another man joined them. The singer? They had to be getting ready for the show. Good. As long as they were busy with logistics, Gary wouldn’t be making any small talk. At least she hoped not. And maybe he didn’t know. Maybe he left early. Maybe he hadn’t paid that much attention to her. Was she nervous for no reason?

  Continuing to watch them as she moved her salad around on her plate, she noticed their attention now seemed to fall squarely on their table. But why? The hand gestures and animated conversation made her anxiety worse.

  Oh! Micky! This was how he was going to ask Tasha—during the show. How sweet. But that meant all eyes would be on their table, including Gary’s. Should she, could she excuse herself when the show started? What was better: missing the most important moment of her best friend’s life or risking the chance she’d be identified and her relationship with Ivan ruined? How could she explain why she’d hidden this from him? Round three started up where it left off.

  She’s nervous.

  She knows she’s doing

  something wrong.

  She isn’t nervous,

  and she’s moving

  on with her life.

  Wrong is hiding

  something from your lover.

  Wrong is ruining

  a wonderful relationship.

  She was experiencing life.

  Experiencing life

  …but hurting someone else.

  So there’s no need

  to hurt him more.

  She’s learned from

  her mistake.

  Love is about trust.

  If she disregards this,

  she’s disregarding love.

  He won’t

  find out. Relax.

  He needs to find out.

  Swishhhhh…The lights faded and a spotlight cast a radiant glow on the evening’s hostess. Max’s black dress shimmered. “Ladies and gentleman, for your entertainment I am pleased to introduce a story of love, lust, and a beginning tonight. Put your hands together for the sweet serenades of ALFIO!”

  Fuck! There’s no graceful way of getting out of this now. Jaden watched Micky and Tasha’s faces light up when the spotlight fell on the only man in the room not dressed in black. His gray suit seemed to glow softly under the illumination. He was seated at a baby grand piano. A soft string of notes poured out of the instrument and instantly soothed Jaden’s warring mind—at least for a moment. ALFIO leaned in to the microphone, and his beautiful voice filled the room. His rendition of the Ave Maria silenced the crowd in an instant.

  Where is Ivan? she thought, noticing the goose bumps that had raised on her arms. She needed him. His touch would silence all her doubt. She was doing it for him. She would never again hurt him or what they had. No need to put him through your mistake as well.

  Her eyes returned to ALFIO’s hands, which seemed to float over the keys. As she hummed along with the familiar tune, she felt a bit more comfortable. It was beautiful. When the Ave Maria came to an end, ALFIO stood and came to center stage for a well-deserved ovation.

  “Thank you all for coming tonight to support such a great cause,” he told the audience. “It’s an honor to be here, and I’m so happy to share such a lovely experience with such lovely people. This next song goes out to a friend in the audience tonight. Good luck, my friend.”

  How does Micky know this guy? Jaden wondered. Perhaps Ivan had introduced them. What a prelude this was going to be! In spite of her panic, she felt a flicker of excitement for Tasha as well. The audience oohed and aaahed when a second spotlight revealed a group of musicians —a full big band orchestra—behind ALFIO on the stage.

  But as the music began, Jaden’s heart froze. The notes linked themselves into the unmistakable start of the song that had been the theme for a wine-soaked tryst. As ALFIO’s voice joined the piano and horns, a story unfolded in her mind—one she cherished above all else and would do anything not to lose. As her and Ivan’s song echoed through the ballroom, she closed her eyes. Before her flashed their very first dance in the garden, their sea turtle-watching escapade, their night in the Pennsylvania forest, the sight of him at Bianca when he’d tracked her down, the faces of his family—and hers. Soaking through it all was his unmistakable, delectable smell. The scent that kept her grounded and had thrilled her since their first embrace. She could almost smell him now…and it wasn’t faint or subtle. It was almost overpowering. As if he were right—

  A flash of light burst through her eyelids as the music faded to silence. She opened her eyes to find herself bathed in the spotlight—not Micky, not Tasha. She sat as the centerpiece to something above and beyond her. She sat with nothing but her thoughts and the intoxicating scent she would forever associate with love.

  Slowly she turned in her seat to find not a doctor, not a model, not a player on the Miami scene, but just a humble man in a black suit. Ivan knelt on one knee with his heart on his sleeve, a smile on his face, and his soul on the line. He held a box with a ring that she knew was so much more than a stone. It was a commitment. A commitment to love her for the rest of her life.

  She felt numb, paralyzed. There were no voices now to tell her yes or no. She was alone. She looked into his eyes. She loved everything about him. He treated her like no one ever had. He was the man she’d dreamed of meeting her entire life. He was perfect for her.

  And so she couldn’t sell him short. She took a moment and breathed him into her heart and soul for what might be the last time.

  “I don’t deserve you, Ivan…I am so sorry.”

  She stood with tears blinding her and turned away from the only man she’d ever love. And then she began to run.

  Hushed whispers echoed through the crowd, and all eyes focused on Ivan as the evening came to an abrupt halt. Tasha sat astonished as Jaden disappeared out the door, and he appeared unable to move from his position on the ground. Slowly he looked around, and when his eyes fell on hers, she tried to think of something to say, some way to explain. But she had no idea and no words. He smiled strangely at her, clearly hiding a wall of emotions about to burst forth. She tried her best to smile back and squeezed Micky’s hand desperately. Then he stood and walked out of the room, leaving through an entirely different door than Jaden had.

  Tasha waited until the door closed behind him before leaping from her chair and running after Jaden. She searched the ladies room, and finding it empty, she rushed to the parking lot. She spotted
a slender figure dressed in green collapsed on a bench. As she drew closer, she could hear her friend sobbing into the night. Oh, Jaden. Tasha gathered up her skirt and ran. “What’s going on?” she asked as she sat next to her on the bench. “What happened? Are you okay?”

  Jaden said nothing, but she turned and fell into Tasha’s opened arms. Her words were a jumbled mess as she tried to speak through her tears. “I…I can’t live like this. He deserves the truth. I deserve the truth. I just need to know. I…I have to go back.”

  “What are you talking about? What do you need to know, Jaden?” She tried to make her voice soft and comforting, rather than simply confused.

  “I just need to get back,” Jaden repeated, starting a fresh wave of tears.

  “Babe, calm down. It’s okay if you’re not ready to get married. That was unexpected and a lot to take in—maybe too much. Take some deep breaths and relax. I’m sure Ivan will understand if you tell him you need more time.”

  “That’s not it!” Jaden yelled. “I want nothing more than to marry Ivan.”

  Tasha bit her tongue and took some deep breaths herself. “Then what’s the problem?”

  “I went home with Damian,” Jaden screamed, her voice full of anguish.

  As Tasha composed her next words, trying to get them just right, she looked out into the night and froze. Jaden must have felt her stiffen, because she too looked up. And saw Ivan standing there.

  Instantly her demeanor changed. She wiped her eyes and stood, as if ready to accept whatever lay ahead. “Ivan, I’m so sorry. I should have explained this long ago, and now I’m not sure where to begin. I just missed you, and I was confused, and I don’t even really know for sure what—”

  Ivan raised a hand, stopping her, and he shook his head, a look of heartbreak on his face. Tasha watched in horror as he turned on his heel and stalked off into the night. Would Jaden go after him? She looked over at her, but found her firmly planted on the bench, her face mirroring the heartbreak Ivan’s had shown moments before.

  As the first drops of rain began to fall, Tasha knew she needed to take action. Noting the line of taxis near the building, she gathered Jaden in her arms and pulled her to her feet. “Come on, Jaden. Let’s go home.”

  Once inside the cab, Jaden laid across the back seat, sobbing. Tasha stroked her hair and offered comforting words that seemed to do nothing to soothe the pain.

  Chapter 30

  “If You Could Read My Mind”

  IVAN STARED AT THE RISING SUN as it crested the horizon. Facing an ocean once full of dreams and promise, he sat alone in the sand, still wearing the suit his heart had been broken in.

  Wave after wave rolled in, mimicking the sadness that swept over him, taking a piece of his heart away with it each time. Even the smell of the ocean was different now. No longer beautiful and vibrant, it now smelled of something spoiled and decomposing. And the colors the sun painted across the sky seemed pale, as if someone had removed pigment from their usually glorious palette.

  He stumbled through his thoughts, unable to process his next move. How could she do this? Had her love always been a lie? No…What they’d had was real—wasn’t it? He just couldn’t bear to hear her try to explain it away. What he’d heard was enough. She’d been with someone else. That was it. Deal with it. Move on.

  So why was it so hard to breathe?

  “What now?” he asked aloud as the beach began to come to life.

  He didn’t know the answer. He didn’t want to know the answer. He didn’t want to know a life without her. Without them. He dropped his head into his hands. Had she been worth it?

  As he shifted in the sand he felt a sharp pinch against his hip. He reached into his pocket and found the small black box that contained the commitment he’d offered Jaden. A commitment she’d refused. He turned the little box over in his hands, and tears welled up inside him for the first time, threatening to breach the perimeter he’d stubbornly held for hours.

  He opened the box and stared at the ring through blurry eyes. It was nothing more than a bit of metal and stone—nothing precious about it now. Its carat size and purity rating didn’t mean anything. They never had. He snapped the box shut, squeezed a fist around it, and dropped his chin to his chest. Broken and defeated, he let the tears fall. And the weakness he felt in this surrender made him feel more alone. He’d lost something precious, his chances of finding it again were next to impossible, and that hurt. He’d lost his miracle. And perhaps worse than that, for all he knew it had been a lie all along.

  You’ll find a way through this, said a voice inside him. He didn’t believe it, but he was desperate to find even the smallest measure of comfort. After all, it was in the wake of a romantic rock bottom where he’d found her in the first place. He looked up at the nearly colorless sky above him and blew out a ragged breath. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, turned his attention back to the foamy water that ebbed and flowed in front of him, and wished like hell for a resolve that never came.

  After the sun had climbed into the sky, he tucked the black box into his jacket pocket and stood to find himself exhausted. He made a half-assed effort to brush the sand from his clothes and began the walk home.

  When he’d cleared the sand and stepped onto the paved walk, he heard a raspy voice.

  “Hey, man. Hey, man. You look beat up, man.”

  He glanced around, trying to identify the source of such a dead-on assessment. A disheveled man with a long beard and even longer hair, which had matted into what looked like a helmet, sat on the seawall.

  “Hey, man, was she worth it?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Was she worth it, man? Ain’t nobody gonna ruin clothes like that for no reason.”

  Ivan looked down at his suit and breathed out a sad laugh. It was ruined. Jaden hadn’t laid a finger on him, but she’d managed to destroy another suit. This time she’d destroyed his heart too.

  “It’s gotta be. Gotta be a woman to cause that kind of foolishness,” the man added with an animated nod.

  “Impressive,” Ivan conceded. “You’re quite observant, aren’t you?” He’d walked a few steps down the path when he heard the voice again.

  “You didn’t answer my question, man. Was she worth it?”

  He shoved his hands into the shallow pockets of his jacket, rocked on his heels, and dropped his head. As his hand brushed the rounded edges of the black box, he realized he hadn’t answered that question for himself, let alone this guy. He pulled out the box and held it in the palm of his hand.

  Images of vineyards and mountains, cabins and beaches, airports and balconies, parties and kitchens played out like a movie in his mind and ended with the face of the woman who’d taught him that real love is a privilege only a few ever enjoy. How long it lasts is inconsequential. It’s what you do with the time when this feeling is shared that makes it special.

  He closed his hand around the box, closed his eyes, and asked himself one last time. Was she worth this heart-wrenching emptiness? Exhaling his decision, he turned to the man and smiled. He tossed him the box that once had contained a commitment and now held just a ring.

  “Yeah, man, she was. Love…love is worth the fall.”

  Chapter 31

  “Love is Worth the Fall”

  THE SMELL OF THE LOS ANGELES AIRPORT hit her like a wall as she stepped off the overcrowded plane. Her eyes, rubbed raw from nonstop crying the night before, now hid behind a pair of oversized Jackie O sunglasses she’d borrowed from Tasha. Looking down at herself in the clothes she’d also borrowed from Tasha, Jaden felt ugly. Not because of what she was wearing—she didn’t care about that. The ugliness she felt came from the inside out. Everything was a mess, and it was all her fault.

  Thank God for Tasha, she thought and remained amazed by the fact that her friend hadn’t asked one question or made any accusations as she consoled her throughout the night. She was lucky to have her.

  As she made her way through the terminal, s
he dodged the early morning buzz of tourists scurrying about getting ready for their flights. Their happy faces rubbed salt in the gaping wound she’d inflicted on herself less than twelve hours ago. She wished she could go back to the time when she and Ivan had traveled with similar looks on their faces. At the thought of their trip to visit his family in Meadville, instinct and emotion dictated more crying, but she couldn’t. She had no more tears to cry.

  As the exit doors parted, the mellow warmth of California greeted her, followed quickly by the smell of exhaust and the sounds of horns and buses, which beat down on her already cluttered mind. She felt guilty as hell asking Adam to drive her on a day she knew he reserved for his family, but she also knew he’d help her if he could. Her knotted stomach and killer headache only amped up her anxiety. At least now she wouldn’t have to do this on her own.

  Today she would face her most colossal mistake. She would look into the eyes of her real-life demon and get the answer to a question she wished she didn’t have to ask. She’d given up the love of her life because of an indiscretion she couldn’t recall, and suddenly, immediately, she needed the truth. She owed it to herself, and she owed it to Ivan.

  “Where the hell is he? He’s always right here,” she muttered seconds before Adam’s familiar town car swung to a stop at the curb.

  He came running around the car to make sure she got in all right, but instead of sliding in, she collapsed against his shoulders. “Thank you, Adam, for picking me up. I’m so sorry to have called but—”

  “Jaden, stop. You’ve been nothing but kind since the day I met you, and I consider you family. Of course I want to help.”

  Even in the fog of emotion, she noticed he’d called her by her first name. She wiped away her tears with a quick hand and managed a smile.

  “Now, let’s get you home and—”

  “No. No!” She pushed away from his guiding hand, leaving him a bit flustered. “No, I don’t want to go home. I want you to take me to his house right now.” A seed of anger began to flourish inside her.