In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  Returning to school, not too many people remembered I was pregnant. And for the ones who did remember, they were surprised I’d had twins. At first, all I was interested in was getting my diploma, but soon, I was up to my old tricks again. I started skipping classes and hanging out with my friends after school. Jesse was at home with the babies, and as long as I let her know my whereabouts, she didn’t seem to mind. Sometimes, we would ask Mama to watch the twins and Jesse would come up to Sumner High to hang out with me.

  I was so sure that becoming a mother would change my life, but I was making very little effort to change in a positive way. I had even gotten myself a new boyfriend and his name was Dwayne. On a scale from one to ten, he was a twelve. He had coal black natural curly hair, hazel eyes, and a muscular frame of an athlete. His skin was a golden brown and his bad-boy persona attracted me to him.

  Through spending so much time with Dwayne, I rarely went straight home from school. Jesse was spending more time with my kids than I was. They were very close to her and I knew they thought she was their mother, instead of me. I continued to tell myself that things would turn around, once I graduated from school, but my actions showed differently.

  Mama had picked up more hours at work to make ends meet, but it wasn’t long before her and Daddy had gotten into an argument and he was out of the picture again. In order to keep my relationship in good standings with him, I had to take the twins to visit him at my grandparents’ house on Vernon Avenue, where Daddy lived too. Mama wasn’t happy about it, but I had grown to respect Daddy and missed having him around.

  By early January, 1985, I had enough credits to graduate from school, but enjoying my freedom, I decided to wait and graduate with the entire class. Besides, I only had a few more months to play around, and then I would definitely have to grow up and handle my responsibilities.

  Graduation was only two months away and I had no plans to get a job or go to college. Simply put, I had no direction. I was pleased to get my diploma, but I wasn’t sure how far having a diploma would get me.

  My past mistakes with boys continued to follow me. I hadn’t learned from my mistakes, and when Dwayne brought up the subject of sex, it wasn’t as if I hadn’t thought about it. He didn’t pressure me, but he made it clear that it was something he wanted to happen. Needless to say, my next experience didn’t occur with Dwayne, but it happened with another popular football player, Lloyd. I was starting to gain a reputation that I didn’t want, but my feelings for Lloyd superseded the ones I’d had for Dwayne.

  The opportunity to be with Lloyd presented itself one night at a Toga party I’d gone to with Jesse and some friends. We cut up white sheets, wrapping them around our naked bodies. Old English was the drink for the night, and after guzzling down a 40 ounce of Colt 45, I was hyped.

  We arrived at the party a little after ten o’clock that night. The unfinished basement was filled with a cloud of thick smoke. It was dirty and so musty that we started to turn around and go back home. There was a DJ in the corner spinning Salt-N-Pepa, and since he allowed Jesse and me to break out with one of our raps, we opted to stay.

  As the night went on, the alcohol took over. Lloyd was looking even better, and his coco-chocolate skin, shoulder length jerry curl and popularity guaranteed him many choices. But when his eyes shifted in my direction, I refused to look away. He excused himself from a conversation with some friends and stepped up to me.

  “Brenda, right?” he said.

  I blushed. “How’d you know my name?”

  “It’s easy to find out things I want to know.”

  I continued to blush and Lloyd’s whispers in my ear couldn’t be ignored. “That…that sheet you got on is bangin’!” he admitted. “You wanna get out of here and go to the park?”

  I nodded and left the party with Lloyd. He drove to Fairground Park, and as planned, one thing led to another. After that night, we continued to hook up, but like always, sex was just sex. Lloyd was one of the first who hadn’t gotten what he wanted and jetted, so needless to say, I liked him a lot.

  When several people inquired about my intimate relationship with Lloyd, I didn’t deny anything. It was so funny how news traveled fast, and it didn’t take long for the news to get back to Dwayne. He’d enrolled into another school, Beaumont High, so we didn’t see each other anymore during school. He’d gotten into a fight at Sumner, and according to some witnesses, Dwayne almost killed the dude he’d had a fight with. I had a hard time believing that the Dwayne I dated was violent, and when we talked about the fight, Dwayne insisted that people had exaggerated.

  Either way, I had some explaining to do. Instead of going home that day, I got to Dwayne’s house about 3:30 p.m. He sat on his porch, watching as I walked down the street in my pink t-shirt, black jeans and white tennis shoes. My hair was pulled back into a ponytail, without bangs and showing my full round face. As I walked up the steps, Dwayne was leaning back in a plastic green lawn chair. He glared at me with his hazel-nut eyes, wasting no time to ask what was up with me and Lloyd. It was the first time Dwayne had raised his voice at me, and it surely wouldn’t be the last.

  “I know what the fuck you did,” he said, inquisitively rubbing the trimmed hair above his lip and on his chin. “It’s cool, though, Brenda. You won’t have sex with me, but you’ll have sex with another muthafucka. What sense does that shit make?”

  I liked Dwayne, truly I did, but I liked Lloyd more. Still, Dwayne and I had gotten really close and he’d already made a connection with my kids and Jesse. I didn’t want to lose him. “Do…don’t break up with me,” I begged, standing in front of him. “I’m sorry and I was drinking—”

  Dwayne cracked his knuckles and bit down on his bottom lip. “Save that bullshit for another time. You had sex with him ‘cause you wanted to. This shit between you and me ain’t happenin’, so get off my porch and take yo ass home, bitch!”

  Well damn! I never had anyone speak to me in such a way, and even though I was wrong, Dwayne’s rejection and his words really hurt. I swallowed the lump in my achy throat, chalking up this relationship as another loss. My ride home on the bus was long, but I pulled out my notebook and started to write about how I’d disappointed someone I cared about: I don’t deserve nobody like Dwayne and that’s what I get for trying to be a player. I’m lucky he didn’t knock the hell out of me, but I could tell by looking at his fiery eyes that he sure in the hell wanted to. He’s the first boy to show me that he really cares for me and my stupid self than went and fucked things up. I want him back and I’m going to keep on apologizing to him, until he forgives me. I’m sure he didn’t mean to call me a bitch, but he had better tone that mess down. I feel so horrible right now, but whatever it takes I’m going to make this right. And when I say whatever, I mean whatever…

  Later that night, I was surprised to get a call from Dwayne. Jesse gave the phone to me and the first thing I asked is if he was still upset with me.

  “Nope,” he said. “I’m over it.”

  “Earlier, you told me—”

  Dwayne interrupted. “I like you, Brenda, and I don’t want to break up with you. You gotta make up yo mind about me and Lloyd, though. I got a lot of friends at Sumner and I got ways of findin’ out shit. If you ever hurt me like this again, I promise, I’ll make you pay for it.” He spoke stern and his tone made me wonder about the reputation he had for being extremely aggressive. Still, I wanted my boyfriend back so I agreed to never hook up with Lloyd again. As a matter of fact, Lloyd made sex partner number four for me, and I was gaining a reputation I didn’t want. I was done and decided to take my relationship with Dwayne more seriously. Dwayne told me he loved me that night, and for the first time in my life, somebody had said those words to me. I had no problem telling him I’d felt the same, and at this point, I would do whatever to please him. What I didn’t realize at the time was pleasing him wouldn’t come easy.

  Chapter Eight

  Graduation day was finally here. A week ago, I’d had an accident i
n Mama’s car and had to catch the bus to my graduation because the car was totaled. Mama and Jesse said they would try to find a way there, but wasn’t making any promises. I also invited Daddy, Dwayne, and Dana, and they all assured me they’d come.

  The ceremony had gotten on the way, and I hadn’t seen anyone I’d invited. During the announcements, I kept turning my head to see if Mama or Daddy—or anybody else had shown up, but they hadn’t. By the time they started calling the graduates’ names, tears kept filling my eyes, but I blinked them away. I’m sure everybody thought my emotions stemmed from being enthused about graduating, but having no one there to share this moment with me was agonizing. Especially after having the twins, I expected Mama to be proud of me for completing school. Yet again in my life, I felt so alone.

  Finally, when my name was called there was light applause. The claps came from the two students by my sides, but for the most part, the auditorium was pretty quiet. My stomach turned in knots and I walked across the stage with weakened legs to get my diploma. What was the point? I thought. A diploma didn’t mean anything to anybody else, so why should it have meant something to me? I was delighted when the last graduate was called, just so I could hurry and get the hell out of there.

  Making it to the exit doors was the beginning of my torture. Many graduates stood around taking pictures with their families and embracing friends. Other than me, everyone seemed happy, and just so my pain didn’t look too obvious, I stood with a fake smile.

  I removed my white cap and gown, holding them in my hands. A lady complimented me on the white silk v-neck dress I wore and told me I’d had some of the prettiest hair she’d ever seen. Her compliments brought a quick smile to my face that vanished when she walked away. I busted out of the two heavy doors in the back of the building, making my exit. I walked swiftly down the street, smacking the flowing tears away from my face, but they became too rapid to brush away. When I came to a sewer, I tossed my cap, gown and tassel inside. I’d thought about trashing my diploma, but I held it close to my chest. I made my way to my grandparents’ house on Cote Brilliante Ave., which was only a few blocks away.

  I knocked on my grandparents’ door and my grandfather opened it. His eyes were ice cold and I was surprised that he let me inside. I guess my puffy eyes said something was wrong, but he surely didn’t ask what it was. He was a grumpy old man and hated for people to show up without calling.

  “Gon’ in the living room to see what that nigga wants,” he told my grandmother.

  My grandmother came into the living room with a smile on her face. Knowing that I had graduated, she secured her arms around me.

  “Congratulations,” she said, unaware of what her hug was doing for me. “I knew you’d do it.”

  All I could do was hold her tightly and thank her for having faith in me. I asked if I could use the phone and she put it right in front of me. When I called home, Mama answered.

  “Mama,” I said, swallowing the baseball-sized lump in my throat. “What happened to y’all?”

  “Brenda, we couldn’t find a ride. I asked one of our neighbors to take us but she said she had something to do. I didn’t want to worry nobody else about a ride.”

  “Where’s Jesse?”

  “She’s in there looking at TV.”

  “Where are the twins?”

  “They’re asleep. Jesse and me just put them down for a nap.”

  “I’m at grandma’s house. I’ll be home soon,” I said, as my throat ached.

  “Alright,” she said. “Put your grandmother on the phone.”

  I gave the phone to my grandmother and left the room. Mama really disappointed me. I knew I’d made some mistakes, and I felt as if I’d have to pay for them for the rest of my life. The way I felt at the time…nobody expected me to graduate, and as a matter of fact, nobody expected nothing but failure from me. I wanted to call Daddy to see what his excuse was for not showing up, but I decided against it. Still, I couldn’t hold back my emotions. My grandfather was eyeballing me like I needed to silence my sniffles because he was watching TV and couldn’t hear. I got up enough nerve to ask if he would take me home, and he grunted, telling me no. My grandmother was off the phone, so I picked up the phone to call Dwayne. When he answered, I was surprised to hear his voice.

  “What are you doing at home? I thought you were coming to my graduation,” I said.

  “I was but…but I went somewhere with my mother. We just walked through the door. Where are you callin’ from?”

  “I’m at my grandparents’ house,” I said dryly.

  “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing.”

  “I’m sorry for not makin’ it to your graduation,” he said. “My mother asked me to help her at the last minute.”

  “That’s cool. I’ll call you when I get home.”

  I hung up the phone, told my grandmother goodbye and left.

  For nearly an hour, I stood on the corner waiting for a bus to come. Finally, it came and as it drove by Sumner High School, there were still graduates outside with their families, taking pictures of their celebration. I closed my eyes, wishing that my experience could have been the same. But no matter how sad that day may have been, my memories at Sumner High School were unforgettable. I loved my school, without one single doubt.

  The night of my graduation brought about a few more disappointments. I celebrated with Jesse and my girlfriends, only to come across Dwayne, his brother and some of his friends. Dwayne and I got into a brawl about a passion mark that was on his neck, and his brother confirmed that it came from a girl he had been with earlier that day. The fight ended with me telling him to go to hell and that I never wanted to see him again.

  The next day was like a new beginning for me. I had no more school to attend, no job and no life. I was supporting the twins on welfare, food-stamps, and of course, with the help of Mama and Jesse. I wanted so much better for me and my kids, but until I could figure out a way to do better, the welfare system that would eventually handicap me had to do.

  A few weeks later, I went to Grandpa Pigeons, a small department store, to fill out an application for employment. Surprisingly, I was hired on the spot. I shared the good news with Mama and Jesse, and right after, she informed me that Dwayne’s brother, Myron, had called to discuss what had happened the night of my graduation. Since then, I hadn’t talked to Dwayne, so I immediately called his brother back.

  “I just wanted to apologize to you for lyin’ about the passion mark on Dwayne’s neck. I pinched his neck to make you jealous. We were only playin’ around and I regret that things got out of hand that night, because of somethin’ I did.”

  Please, I thought. Do I have damn fool written across my face? It was obvious that due to what I’d done with Lloyd, Dwayne had cheated on me and that’s all there was to it. And even though he had done so, I was willing to forgive him, as he’d forgiven me. He got on the phone to speak, after I told Myron I didn’t believe what he had said to me.

  “Myron ain’t lyin’ and what he’s tellin’ you is the truth. But let’s squash this shit and be done with it. Are we good or what?”

  “I guess so. I don’t know what really happened, but I do have some good news. I got a job today, making three dollars and seventy-five cents an hour. I’m excited and I start on Wednesday.”

  Dwayne congratulated me, and on Wednesday, I headed to work at Grandpa Pigeons. The bosses were cool and my co-workers were very friendly. I was excited about contributing to the household, where I could now pitch in more.

  During my first week at work, trouble was on the horizon again. A plain-clothes security guard who worked in the store to catch shoplifters kept eyeballing me. I didn’t know why he was always watching me, and even though I’d talked to Jesse and Mama about coming in to get free merchandise, nothing was confirmed.

  It was time for my lunch break, so I headed towards the restroom. Right before I opened the door, a masculine voice called my name. When I turned around, the security g
uard stood behind me—so close I could feel his breath on my neck.

  “Yes?” I replied, wondering how he knew my name.

  “I keep looking at you ‘cause you are one fine looking woman,” he said. “What time do you get off work?”

  “I have a man,” I rushed to say. My heart raced, and even though I hated to admit it, I was enthused by the attention, especially from a much older man. I hadn’t forgotten about my promise to Dwayne, and there was no way in hell I’d ever betray him again.

  As time went on, work was becoming a little uncomfortable for me. The security guard, Miles, started making more advances towards me and I was confused. Confused because Dwayne had been busted, again, for cheating on me, and after I talked to his other girlfriend, she confirmed that she and Dwayne had been dating since his freshman year in high school. She even admitted to putting the passion mark on his neck. I felt like such an idiot for forgiving him. When I confronted him, he denied it. He expressed his love for me, and when I spoke of dating someone else, he begged me not to. He promised to end his relationship with his ex and I allowed him time to do so.

  During that time, I turned my attention to Miles. He’d given me six free skating passes for Tuesday night skating at Skate King on Kienlen Avenue. I didn’t know how to skate, but I knew a lot of people went there to hang out. It had been a while since my friends and I had gotten together, so this was the perfect opportunity to kick it with them again.

  On Tuesday, I wasn’t scheduled to work so, Jesse, Dana, Shantell, Loretta, and I went to the skating rink. I had described Miles to everyone; smooth brown complexion, a well defined pointed nose, medium build and bowlegged as ever. His Caesar cut was flowing with shiny waves that were sharply trimmed. All of my girlfriends said he sounded scrumptious and definitely couldn’t wait to meet him. I never mentioned that he was thirty-two, and when we arrived at the skating rink, everyone was surprised that I was interested in a much older man. Dressed in a dark blue uniform, he stood by the door, collecting tickets from skaters. I introduced him to my friends and they gave me thumbs up. We began to mingle, and throughout the entire night, Miles watched my every move. Actually, I turned a lot of heads, and by the end of the night, I felt like a fool implying that I’d had a boyfriend, especially one who cheated. Miles questioned me about Dwayne that night, but I stuck by my man.