In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  I tried to figure out what I could avoid paying to get the twins beds for them. I had another paycheck coming, but it was already spent on bills. I decided to skip some bills and play catch-up later. As for the rest of the place, I’d just have to start saving again.

  A few hours later, I was coming home from the grocery store, and when I got out of the car, I could see Dwayne standing on my porch. I walked up to it with bags of groceries in my hands, ignoring him.

  Dwayne held out his hands. “Damn, that’s how you greet a brotha who stopped by to make sure you’re okay?”

  I unlocked the door, walking away from it. “Come in, but there’s no need to check on me because I’m fine. I guess I don’t have to ask who told you where I lived.”

  “Please,” he said, closing the door. “I’ve known where you lived since the day you moved here. I know you wanted your space so I didn’t bother you. And the only reason I’m here today is to help you.”

  “Help me how? I don’t mean to sound cold or anything, but I don’t need your help.” I put the bags on the kitchen table, then went into my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed. My eyes were puffy from crying and I looked a mess. I hated for Dwayne to see me like this; the last thing I wanted him to think was things had been going downhill since we’d broken up. That was in no way the case.

  “Look, I’m just being honest. Josh took yo money. As a matter of fact, he gave some of it to me. He was buyin’ his product from a dude I got doin’ some hustlin’ for me. So, I came here to repay you.” Dwayne reached into his pocket, pulling out a thick wad of money that he was barely able to grip with one hand. He tossed the money on the bed, grinning as if he’d done me a favor. “There’s a little somethin’ extra in there for you. Buy yourself somethin’ nice.”

  I picked up most of the money, flipping through it. Had to be at least three grand. “So, I see the drug game is treating you well, huh?”

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out some little white rocks wrapped in a plastic bag.

  “You see this shit here? This made me a rich man. I got all kinds of shit. Jewelry, more cars, you name it. I’m about to invest in some rental property and I got some corner boys workin’ the streets for me. All I need is you and the twins back in my life and things will be even better.”

  I was downright disgusted. Dwayne knew better than to come over here, boasting about his so-called good fortune. Drugs had fucked him up and my cousin as well. How he ever thought selling and using was profitable, I didn’t understand. I held out my hand. “Can I see those rocks,” I asked. “Maybe I need to hook myself up.” Dwayne chuckled, giving the bag to me. I lifted the bag up high, pretending as if I were studying the rocks. “You know, it’s a shame how much you can make off some mess like this. I can’t believe people crave for this. How many pieces are in here?”

  “About twenty. That’s enough to buy that big-screen television you’ve been talking about for years and then some.”

  I nodded and wasn’t the least bit interested in his new career, or how it could benefit me. I made my way into the bathroom and Dwayne followed, still bragging about how much money he had. As I ripped the plastic bag, dropping the contents into the toilet, Dwayne tried to push me out of the way. I flushed the toilet and he stuck his hand inside.

  “Fuckin’ bitch!” he shouted, unable to save not one rock. He fell to his knees, trying to see how far down the toilet the rocks had gone, but it was too late. He rushed up and tightly grabbed my neck. My body was thrown against the wall and he tightened his grip with every word he gritted through his teeth. “Do you know muthafuckas die over shit like this every day? You just flushed a whole lot of money down the toilet, and if I didn’t care about the twins havin’ a mother, I’d kill yo ass right now!”

  I scratched at his hands, straining as I spoke. “Do…do whatever you got to do. And you’d better go get your money before I flush that down the toilet too or burn it.”

  Dwayne quickly released his grip and rushed into my bedroom. He snatched the money off the bed and was in total disbelief about what I’d done. Needless to say, I was too. It was a risky move, but I wanted to make it clear to Dwayne that I wanted nothing to do with him, or his money. When he left the room, I remained against the wall, soothing my scratchy and sore throat with my hand and coughing. He squeezed his fist and stood face-to-face with me. My eyes did not blink, nor did they water. I was definitely afraid of what would happen next, but refused to let my fear show. He lifted his hand to squeeze my cheeks. “That’s the last time I try to help yo ass. You’re gonna need me one day, and when you do, I’m gon’ tell you to kiss my ass.”

  He stared me down for a few more seconds, waiting for me to say something. I kept my mouth shut, and my eyes fluttered with relief as he let go of my cheeks and walked out the door.

  I wasn’t sure if he’d come back, but I predicted he would. I rushed to call my other cousin, T-Bone, to see if he’d bring me a gun.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  The twins were coming home tomorrow. I took my entire paycheck to purchase their waterbeds, along with pink and white bedding ensembles. Imaging exactly how I wanted their room to be, I sat in the middle of their bedroom floor painting ceramic letters that spelled their names. I carefully hung the pink painted letters on the wall and couldn’t believe how beautiful their room had panned out. I’d promised them that we’d go to Show Biz Pizza, but due to the lack of money, that had to be put off for another day.

  As I was cleaning up my mess, there was a rapid knock on the door. I asked who was there, but got no answer. Not knowing if someone had just walked away, I opened the door. Two thuggish looking brothas, one with thick braids and the other with a wild afro, stood on the porch. Before I could say a word, they rushed inside. I backed up to the coat closet behind me, staring at the gun in the one with the braids hand. My breathing increased, I had never been so afraid in my life!

  “Take whatever you want,” I rushed to say with a heaving chest. “I…I don’t have much money, but what little I do have is in my purse.”

  The one with the gun aimed it directly between my eyes. I stared down his barrel, waiting for a bullet to shoot through. Tears had already soaked my face and I was frozen in time. I couldn’t even breathe any longer and my whole body felt like cement had been poured over it. “Where dat muthafucka Dwayne at?” he shouted while sucking his teeth. “Have you seen that nigga?”

  I slowly moved my head from side to side. “No,” I said softly. “I…I haven’t. He doesn’t live here.”

  “That bitch lyin’,” the other one shouted out. “She knows where that fool at!”

  My hands trembled and I tightened my fists to calm myself a bit. “I swear to God that I don’t know where he is. I swear it.”

  The brotha with the gun grabbed my collar, shoving me towards the living room. I was very cooperative, and he ordered me on my knees. He squeezed my neck, and pressed the cold tip of the gun against my cheek. By now, I was shaking all over and my cries were uncontrollable. My stomach was queasy; I felt as if I had to throw up.

  “If or when you see that nigga, you tell him Big Rick stopped by. That nigga stole ten g’s from me, and I want every damn dime of my money back!”

  He was squeezing my sweaty neck so tight, pinching it. I swore up and down that I didn’t know where Dwayne was, nor did I have anything to do with him.

  “I can’t tell him anything because I…I don’t know how to get in touch with him. Please believe me,” I begged tearfully. “I wouldn’t lie to you at a time like this.”

  The dude pushed my head to the ground, forcing me to lay execution style. This was it for me. I couldn’t believe my life was about to end like this. I squeezed my eyes together, thinking about my babies…my family and hoping and praying for a way out.

  “Knock this bitch off,” the one showing the gun advised the other. “She don’t know shit, but I don’t want her snitchin’.”

  He walked out the door, leaving the other dude behi
nd to do his dirty work. Since I was about to die, I felt a certain urge to face my killer. I wanted to see the person who was responsible for taking my life away from me, leaving my kids without a mother, and my family suffering through years and years of hurt. I slowly rolled on my back, eyeballing the gun that he’d pulled from his pants. My body was stiff, and since I hadn’t taken any breaths, I already felt dead. I shifted my eyes to my possible killer, staring at him without a blink. My mouth was dry, and when I opened my mouth, my lips felt as if they were stuck together. A sudden calm came over me, and I softly spoke out with trembling lips that were laced with my tears and snot.

  “Please don’t do this to me. I have two babies that need me and please don’t destroy their lives. I’m begging you not to, and if you let me live, I will pray for you, every single day, for the rest of my life. God help you and me, please, I’m begging you not to kill me.”

  The brotha stood stone-faced, twitching his beady eyes and hesitating. He took a few bites from his lip, staring at me and contemplating his next move. After a few seconds, he ran towards the door. Two gunshots rang out, causing my whole body to jump. I sat still for a few minutes, without moving from my spot. I then heard screeching tires, and that’s when I crawled over to the door to close it. I lay flat on my back in the foyer, tightly gripping my stomach and sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn’t long before I gagged and threw up right there on the floor. Over and over again, I thanked God for sparing my life.

  ***

  The twins were so happy to see me, and from the loneliness I felt, I knew I would never let them go away for that long again.

  Rita and Clarence were tired from the long drive, so we ordered pizza and went to the basement. Jesse came over, too, and as we all sat around talking, Rita hit us with breaking news.

  “I wasn’t going to tell anyone yet, but I’m pregnant.”

  Jesse and I were surprised and we congratulated Rita and Clarence. It was about time one of my sisters had a kid.

  “Does Mama know about this yet?” I asked. “I suspect that she doesn’t because I know my phone would be ringing off the hook.”

  “Well,” Rita said. “I haven’t gotten around to telling her just yet. You know how Mama is. I’m not up for a bunch of negative talk right now. Clarence and I are on our way to tell her, but I don’t know what to expect.”

  “Yes, I do know how Mama is,” I said. “So don’t expect her to jump for joy right away. Whenever me and her talk, we rarely talk about my personal business and she never asks.”

  Rita and Jesse agreed. Mama hadn’t said much about any of the men we’d dated. It wasn’t that she didn’t care, but in her eyes, nobody was good enough for her daughters. And if you weren’t good enough, then you weren’t worth discussing.

  Clarence laughed. “Y’all need to stop talking ‘bout y’all’s Mama. She gon’ be happy to have another grandbaby. When she finds out we’re having a boy, she really gon’ be excited.”

  We all pursed our lips at Clarence. “You don’t know how Mama is,” we said in unison and I gave Clarence a “welcome to the family” pat on the back.

  “So, do you like your new place, Brenda?” Rita asked.

  “Girl, I love it. Much better than the other one, ain’t it?”

  “Yes, it is and way more room.”

  “I know. I definitely needed more room. Now, we got a place where we can chill, instead of cluttering up the living room.”

  “Ay, whatever happened to Dwayne,” Clarence asked clearing his throat. I was sure everyone had thought back to the time Dwayne had gone to Tennessee with me and we got into an argument at Rita’s house. He called me a bitch, and called Rita one, too, when she intervened. Clarence spoke up for us both and Dwayne cursed him out. He left in a rage, and we drove around for hours trying to find him. I was so embarrassed. Rita and Clarence had witnessed for themselves the ongoing drama in our relationship. “Y’all still together?” Clarence continued.

  “Uh, no. That didn’t work out too well.”

  “I’m glad to hear that, but I know the twins really like him. They talked a lot about him while in Tennessee.”

  “Yeah, the twins’ love for him is unconditional. They care a lot for him. He’s all they’ve ever known as a father.”

  “It takes a lot of courage for a man to step up when another man didn’t. I’m sure you appreciate that, but you can always do much better.”

  “Trust me, I know that now. Things are getting better for me.”

  I changed the subject and everyone spent the next few hours telling me about the twins’ visit to Tennessee. It had gotten late so Rita and Clarence were on their way to go see Mama. I wanted to go, too, but the twins were already asleep. I thanked Rita and Clarence for keeping them over the summer, and they left. Jesse stayed to talk to me a while longer.

  “I wanted to tell you that I read those pages you gave me. I loved it, Brenda, and you straight up took me there. I was feeling your characters and you got that character, Jay, hooked up, don’t you?”

  I was grinning from ear-to-ear, because Jesse enjoyed my story. “He does have it going on, don’t he? Do you think the story is going overboard?”

  “Not at all. Keep writing. I’d love to see what else you come up with.”

  I got up and Jesse followed me upstairs to my bedroom. “I’ve written about thirty more pages,” I said, handing them over to her. “Read those and let me know what you think. Don’t lie, Jesse. If you ain’t feeling it, let me know. More than anything, be honest.”

  “You know I’m your biggest critic, and you can count on me to tell you the truth!”

  I walked Jesse to the door, thanking her, again, for reading over several pages of my story. She left, but I tossed and turned all night, thinking about the story I had been piecing together. I remembered where I left off, and since I was so hyped, I sat up in bed and started writing again.

  Nearly an hour later, my writing was interrupted by a bang on the door. I jumped, as I had done so at the sound of every little noise that I’d heard, since the incident with those intruders. I cautiously got out of bed, peeking through my window, first, just to see who was out there. From my window, I couldn’t see much. I thought it could be Rita and Clarence coming back to tell me they’d got into it with Mama, but I also thought it was those two thugs coming back to finish me off. This time my children were home, and I regretted that my cousin, T-Bone, wouldn’t bring me a gun.

  I was so nervous that I reached for the phone. I carried it to the front door with me, where I had a chair against the door to secure it. I had been that scared about the intruders coming back, and was prepared to call 911 if need be. I turned on the porch light and looked through the peephole. It was Dwayne. I sighed, and then spoke through the door, trying to keep my voice down so I wouldn’t wake the twins.

  “I came to see the kids,” he said. “I know they’re back by now.”

  “They’re asleep. Come back tomorrow.”

  “Nope. Can’t do that. I’m here now so open the door.” He continued to bang, so I moved the chair away from the door and cracked it open.

  “What is up with you?” I asked irritated as ever. “You can’t be coming over here without calling. It’s too late and—”

  “I can do whatever I want to do. Now, let me in before I force my way inside to see them.”

  I hesitated, thinking maybe if I let him see the twins, he would do so and then leave. I widened the door for him to come in. “You got five minutes to see them—and I mean just see them. Please don’t wake them up.”

  When Dwayne walked in, I could immediately tell something was wrong. His eyes were a dull yellow and his words slurred. He stumbled into the twins’ room and hit his leg on the edge of one of their beds. “Ouch,” he yelled loudly. They lifted their heads, and I stood in the doorway counting the minutes down. By then, I’d realized it was a bad idea letting him come inside. He’d dropped down to one knee, and they both had their arms around him, giving him hugs. Of course
, they didn’t know any better, but I did. He mumbled his words as he spoke, looking spacey as ever.

  “You…you can come back tomorrow to see them,” I said, trying to rush him. He ignored me. “Dwayne, did you hear me?”

  “Yeah, I heard what you said.” He stood up, barely able to keep his balance. “I don’t take orders from you.” I kept my mouth shut, anticipating my silence would encourage him to leave. Instead, he got louder and continued his disrespect in front of the twins.

  “You…you get on my damn nerves. Here I am tryin’ to spend just a little time with the kids and you over here tellin’ me what to do. You broke-ass slut, I’ll leave when I get ready to leave.”

  I shook my head, disgusted that this was happening again. The twins first day back and they had to deal with this. I had seen this play out many, many times before. He was high on PCP, crack…whatever, and would claim not to remember a thing. No matter what, though, he was getting out—now! I walked to the front door and opened it.

  “Goodbye, Dwayne. We’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He came out of the twins’ room and slammed the front door shut. He sucked in his bottom lip and bit down on it. I knew what was coming next and had to think fast.

  “Didn’t I tell you I wasn’t goin’ anywhere?” He pushed me away from the door. “Get somewhere and go sit down.”

  The twins stood in the hallway right by the door with sad looks on their faces. I could tell they were about to burst out in tears and I lost it. Something inside of me snapped and I ran to the dark kitchen to search for any object I could find to protect myself from what was about to happen. I wished like hell my cousin had brought me a gun, but he told me that he didn’t want me getting into any trouble. Dwayne charged into the kitchen, grabbing me by my shirt and slinging me against the wall. His fist punched the wall beside my face, causing a gaping hole. I put my hands over my face, screaming so loud that my whole face shook. He backed up and I fell to the ground screaming even louder for him to get out of our lives.