#Blur (The GearShark Series Book 4)

by Cambria Hebert

  Hopper was it for me. I felt too deep. I knew too much.

  My first love would be my only, and it would cut the way only a first love could.

  “Why can’t you give me your body?” Hopper’s question caught me off guard and tilted my thoughts.

  I sucked in a breath. He told me about his past. It was time for me to do the same.

  Could I?

  I thought I was ready. I’d said as much to Jace.

  I’d never said it out loud before. Never. I barely even thought it. No one knew. I never even admitted it to my brother, even though I knew he knew just by looking at me that night.

  Hopper was watching, and I knew he was resolved to wait me out.

  I met his eyes, though I desperately wanted to look away.

  “I was raped.”

  I thought I kind of knew.

  I definitely suspected something in the way he tensed when we got close.

  But this… this was worse. This was so bad I hadn’t even let my own mind go that far.

  I just… I just sat there and stared at him. Horrified was an understatement. Rage? Also a massive understatement.

  I felt him looking at me, the weight of his confession. I knew it required some kind of response, but what the fuck did a man say to that?

  “Arrow…” I began, shock lacing my voice.

  “My name was Dylan Lorhaven.” He cut off the words I couldn’t produce. “I always knew I was gay.” He looked up at me. The hollow, ghostly expression deep in his eyes turned my stomach. “But I didn’t really know it until high school.”

  I nodded, giving him the support he so desperately needed. “I get it. I always knew, too.”

  “I didn’t tell anyone. I was afraid to. But my mom found out. Found a stupid porn magazine in my room.”

  I chuckled, and he glanced up, his lips tilted and a little bit of warmth melting his eyes. I’d die to see just a little bit more of that, to take away any of his trauma.

  “She told me not to tell my father. She knew what I was too stupid to see.”

  I nodded, sinking back from my squatting position and onto my ass. I brought my knees in a little so my feet were flat on the floor, resting my elbows on my knees to let my hands and forearms dangle between my legs.

  “The floor’s cold.” He frowned.

  “I’m fine.” I promised, even though the inside of my chest lurched. Even after that confession, he still cared enough about me to worry about my comfort.

  He said his heart is mine. Holy fuck, he meant it.

  My own heart beat rapidly, as if I’d just run five miles in record time.

  “I didn’t listen to her. I was stupid and young. Thought I knew better. I marched right into my father’s office and told him I was gay.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He punched me in the face.”

  My body stiffened. What the fuck kind of father punches his own kid in the face? I knew what it was like to “come out” to family and friends. I knew the kind of gut-wrenching worry and fear that kind of tell brought on inside a man. People weren’t as accepting and open minded as they’d like you to believe.

  Me? I got lucky. My family stood by me. They embraced Matt the first time I brought him home, and that was that. Until I shoved them all away.

  Some people, though, wear masks. Some pretend, and some just never show their true colors until they’re forced out.

  This pained me, knowing he was once entirely innocent. He was likely more endearing than he was even now.

  That kid, he walked into his father’s office, confident he would be accepted, trusting the man he thought loved him… and ended up with a fist in his face.

  I never met Arrow’s father. I didn’t know him.

  I hated him anyway.

  “Basically, he told me I wasn’t allowed to be gay.” Arrow continued. “He took away my car, my trust fund. He set me up on dates. He even paid a few girls to blow me or have sex with me.”

  I rubbed a hand over the back of my neck. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Wouldn’t be a very good joke,” he replied, his voice even and emotionless.

  I made a sound, ripped my hat off my head, and threw it across the room.

  “On my eighteenth birthday, he took me to a strip club. It was a test. He dangled everything I wanted in front of me. Full tuition to a college away from home, my car, my trust fund. All I had to do was prove to him I was ‘cured’ of being gay.”

  I didn’t look up. I was afraid if I did, he’d see the murderous look in my eyes and stop talking. This was excruciating to hear, but I wanted to all the same.

  “He got us a private room, hired strippers… You know, the usual.” I nodded, and he went on. “I was taken to another private room where the stripper started blowing me. She said my father paid her ten grand to have sex with me. I told her I’d just lie and say we did it, she could collect her money, and I wouldn’t have to try and get it up.”

  I made a sound, a cross between a growl and moan. This was sick. Sick. I didn’t want to think of him with anyone, let alone with some stripper in the back of some seedy club.

  “She told me we had to actually do it because there were cameras. He was watching.”

  I shot up. My fists clenched at my sides, and I paced to stand in front of one of the windows, away from Arrow. The sky was pitch black out, the perfect color to match my mood.

  “I snapped,” Arrow said. “I told him to keep his college, his money, and everything else. I told him it didn’t matter what he did. I would still be gay.”

  “He disowned you.”

  “On the spot.” Arrow confirmed. “I left the club, went in search of my brother. He didn’t know I was gay, but he was my last hope.”

  I felt my loathe for Lorhaven begin to soften. He was an asshole, but he didn’t turn away his brother.

  “Some guys saw me, said they knew my brother, and offered me a ride.” His voice turned weaker, shakier, and I knew. “I thought I was on his turf, you know?”

  “Just tell me what happened.” The words came out harsher than I intended.

  “They recognized me from this club, a place I’d gone to party a few times. I… uh, I hooked up with a guy there sometimes, so they knew I was gay.”

  My eyes closed. Not only was he abused and disowned by his father, but he was the victim of a heinous hate crime. I was so angry, so disgusted, tears actually moistened the back of my eyes. I bit them back because A deserved better than my stray tears.

  “They pulled me into an alleyway, beat me up pretty bad,” he admitted. “I tried to fight back, but there were four of them and only one of me.”

  “This wasn’t your fault,” I whispered. Above anything, I wanted him to know that.

  “I guess beating me wasn’t enough, because they dragged me behind the dumpster… I still smell the putrid trash tainting the air.”

  He was getting lost in the memory, sucked into that terrible time.

  I shot across the room and sank before him once before, taking both his hands in mine. “Stay here, A,” I murmured. “Stay here with me.”

  His eyes appeared even darker here where there was no light. I fell into their depths. I felt the chains of his hell shackle my wrists.

  But I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t scared because he was here with me.

  “Two of them held me, and the other… he, uh, did it.”

  I made a sound, lifted a hand, and cupped his face. He pushed farther into my hand.

  I thought I was completely shattered. I didn’t think there was anything left of me to break.

  I was wrong.

  I felt the splinter, and then it spidered out… The sound of another piece of me breaking was like a shotgun going off right beside my ear.

  “I came here, to the hangar. I don’t even remember how I made it. Lorhaven found me.” Arrow’s eyes met mine. “He almost killed all four of them. A couple are permanently fucked up because of what he did.”

  “I wish t
hey were dead.” I vowed.

  “Me, too.” Arrow nodded. “Jace almost went to jail for attempted murder, but our father made the charges go away.”

  “He’s been protecting you,” I said. “I accused you of hiding behind him, but you weren’t. Not really.” I felt like shit for saying that. For telling him to man up. I had no right.

  The side of his mouth curved up, and the hand cupping his cheek moved with it. “You were right. I was hiding. Jace is really good at protecting people, and I got comfortable.”

  I shook my head, pulling back.

  “It was three years ago,” Arrow said. “I can’t live in the past forever. I’ve been trying to move forward. I thought I was gaining.”

  “And then I ran out of here like a pussy,” I deadpanned.

  He laughed, and my heart rate sped again. “If you were a pussy, I wouldn’t have cared you ran.”

  I grinned.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was trying to avoid that.” Sincere sorrow saturated his voice.

  My hand slashed through the air. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who owes you the apology.”

  Arrow started to protest, but I cut him off.

  “I’m sorry. I came at you too much, too fast. I shoved you against the locker. I ripped at your clothes.” Holy fuck, what it must have triggered inside him. “Then I ran off when you tensed up. I should have stayed. I should have pulled you back.”

  “I don’t blame you,” he said.

  How? How could he not be completely bitter and untrusting of everyone he ever encountered? Even me? Especially me, who was rough and hard to reach.

  “How in the hell could you have given me your heart?” I wondered aloud.

  “Because you’re the one who taught it to beat again.”

  This time I fell back onto my ass, once again in front of his chair. Breath whooshed out of me, and those words, those beautiful words, filled me.

  It was the single most significant thing ever said to me. Ever. And yes, it hurt because that included Matt, but I couldn’t deny the truth. I couldn’t deny the way that one sentence slayed me.

  Arrow credited me. It was as if I brought him back to life. In a sense, I saved him, something I’d desperately wanted to do for Matt but couldn’t.

  He was offering me a second chance.

  This man who was both innocent and jaded, closed off but open, and so very easy on my eyes was my second chance.

  A chance to love again. To live again.

  “We don’t work, though, do we? Two halves. Both too broken,” Arrow whispered.

  I was still reeling from his previous words. Words that reminded me what it was to love and be loved.

  My God, how I missed being part of something bigger than just me.

  “Maybe that’s why we do work,” I answered. “Not because two halves make a whole—we’d never get all our little pieces to fit together—but because no one else can really understand what it’s like to not be whole.”

  “We do seem to have an odd sense of understanding,” Arrow murmured.

  I smirked. “Except when one of us is running like a pussy.”

  He scowled. “I already made it clear how I felt about pussy.”

  I chuckled.

  I wanted to earn those heartbeats, the ones he said I made start up again. I hadn’t done anything nearly enough to warrant them. I might already have them, but I could do better.

  I wanted to do better. I wanted him to have more.

  I took a breath. “Maybe my heart isn’t as unavailable as you think.”

  His eyes flashed. Some of that danger, some of the challenge I saw when he went up against Lorhaven came out. “Don’t say shit you don’t mean.”

  I wasn’t offended. He earned the right to protect himself. After all, he’d practically reached out, and I ran.

  I sat up. Nerves bunched in my stomach and coiled at the base of my neck. I did it anyway, continuing what I wanted to do. I peeled off my leather jacket and let it fall on the floor behind me. Then I pushed up the sleeve on my left arm.

  Even in the dark, I saw him perfectly. Maybe it was because my eyes were adjusted to the dim lighting. Or maybe it was because I was focused so completely.

  “I wear this all the time,” I told him, reaching for the thick leather bracelet always strapped around my wrist.

  “I noticed.”

  I glanced up. “You ever notice the symbol?”

  He nodded. “That’s an infinity symbol, right?”

  I made a sound of agreement and traced the outline of what I always thought looked like a horizontal eight. Beneath my fingertip, the silver metal was cold. “I thought I had my infinity figured out a long time ago. I thought Matt was my forever.”

  Arrow shifted uncomfortably, and I knew he probably didn’t like to hear that. Fuck, it would make me crazy if he said it.

  But it was my truth.

  A truth I wouldn’t ever deny. I couldn’t give Matt my infinity, but this, this I could give.

  I reached out without thinking and wrapped my hand around A’s ankle. I felt him calm beneath my palm. The very air around us stilled.

  “When he died that day, my entire life fell apart. I distanced myself from everyone. My family, my friends, my entire career. I couldn’t bear the thought of another loss like that ever again. So I shut down, closed up, and I told myself even though Matt was gone, he would still be my infinity. It was the least he deserved after he died in my place.”

  “Sounds lonely,” Arrow murmured.

  “You’d know about that.” I eased back, releasing his ankle, though I wanted to keep touching him. I flipped my arm over and reached for the buckle that held the bracelet on my wrist.

  I could hear a pin drop as I undid it and let it fall into my lap. “You asked me once if I had a tattoo.” I held up my wrist for him to see. “This is it.”

  Arrow cradled the back of my hand in his, cautiously drawing my wrist closer so he could see the simple black ink permanently etched into my skin.

  “Coordinates?” he asked, glancing up, still holding my arm.

  I nodded. “The exact coordinates where Matt died. I wear the infinity symbol around it as a promise to him and to me that I will never forget him or the sacrifice he made.”

  The pad of Arrow’s thumb stroked over the tattoo. I shivered. It felt good to be touched.

  “I understand.” He began to withdraw. I caught his hand and linked my fingers through his.

  “You don’t,” I said gently. “For five years I’ve asked myself why. Every single day, over and over again. It keeps me up at night. It wraps around my brain and creates this smog I can’t always see through. Why? Why Matt and not me? Why did I live? Why did he die? What did I ever do in life to warrant such a punishment? The questions are endless, and I always told myself I would never know the answer.”

  Arrow gave my fingers a squeeze, offering me support, empathy. Offering comfort so I didn’t have to be alone.

  “Earlier this morning, which frankly feels like a lifetime ago…” I muttered.

  He made a sound of agreement.

  “I realized something. When you came rushing out of the bathroom like a lion protecting its den and planted yourself in front of me. When you challenged your own brother to protect me? I knew.”

  “Knew what?”

  “You’re my why. The why.”

  I felt the surprise jolt his body. His eyes grew wide, so wide I could see the white all around the edges of his chocolate irises.

  “Everything was leading me here. To you. I didn’t want to admit it. It feels in some part like a betrayal to Matt. But not saying it, withholding everything I feel, betrays you. I can’t betray you, A. I just can’t.”

  “What are you saying right now?” he asked, still cautious as hell.

  “I’m saying, I think, you taught my heart how to beat again, too.”

  We stared at each other. The intensity in this control room was thick, so thick you could slice i
t with a knife.

  I felt… free. At peace. More so than I had in five years. It was overwhelming, but it was welcome.

  “I really want to kiss you right now,” I admitted.

  “You do?” His voice was raspy.

  “Every time we’re in a room together, it takes an effort not to touch you.” And now after hearing everything he’d been through, it made refusing to touch him even harder.

  I wanted to show him touch could be comforting, pleasurable, and bonding. I wanted to prove to him it wasn’t something that hurt.

  “I haven’t been touched much, not until you.”

  “By anyone?” I inquired, my heart clenching.

  He seemed embarrassed, shrinking down in the chair.

  “It’s okay.” I confirmed gently.

  “Before,” he said meaningfully, and I nodded, letting him know I understood so he didn’t have to say it. “There was the guy I used to meet up with at the warehouse party. I didn’t even know his name. We would disappear into the stairwell together and fool around.”

  “Fool around?” I asked, wanting clarity.

  “Kiss. Blow each other.”

  “Sex?” I asked.

  He shook his head.

  “Before no-name?” I asked.

  “No one,” he replied quietly. “Except the girls. They would blow me, and I would imagine other guys. I had sex a couple times with them, but I never liked it. I just did it…”

  “To be normal?”

  “Yeah.” He scoffed. “But it only made me feel less normal.”

  “So you’ve never had sex… with a guy?” You’ve never had anyone touch you with pure affection.

  “No. After what happened, I never wanted to.” Bleakness shone in his eyes. “It hurt so fucking bad.”

  You’ve only ever known lust. Greed. Force.

  I shoved down the groan that rumbled in the back of my throat. The shit he’d been through, I wished I could take it away. My body rocked forward like I planned to vault myself at him, to wrap him up and promise it would never be like that again.

  I stopped myself. The last time I moved too fast, he panicked. He had to come to me.

  “A,” I rasped. I held out my hands. “Come here.”