#Blur (The GearShark Series Book 4)

by Cambria Hebert

  I sat down with Arrow himself, at the center of all the action (Gamble Speedway), to bring you the hottest story of the year about who is sure to be NASCAR’s next huge sensation.

  Buckle your seat belts. The ride starts now.

  GS: I have to tell you I haven’t looked forward to an interview so much in a long time.

  AA: I won’t tell my brother. He gets jealous easy.

  GS: What’s it like being the kid brother of such a well-respected racer?

  AA: I’m not a kid. Haven’t been for a long time.

  GS: Noted.

  AA: And having Lor for a brother is cool. He’s taught me everything I know.

  GS: I see you brought him with you today, along with another team member.

  AA: My manager, Hopper.

  GS: Doesn’t Hopper work on the NASCAR side of Team Gamble?

  AA: Yes.

  GS: So it’s true, then, that you have recently signed with NASCAR, and this is the first interview you’re giving as a pro racecar driver.

  AA: You heard it here first. I’m officially signed with NASCAR and am being sponsored by Gamble, among other companies who will be announced shortly.

  GS: Congratulations! That is very exciting. I have to say, though, I’m surprised. I think almost everyone, myself included, expected you to sign with the NRR. It seemed like a natural fit for you. Why veer onto a road less traveled?

  AA: Because if I signed with NRR, I’d always be staring at my brother’s taillights.

  GS: You don’t think you would ever be able to beat him?

  L: Hell no.

  AA: I think I could give him a run for his money, but that’s not really what I meant. You said it yourself. I’m Lorhaven’s kid brother. If I went into the NRR, I would be slapped with that label, and it would never come off. I’m my own man. I have my own goals.

  GS: What kind of goals?

  AA: To make a name for myself on the track. To have a life based off what I want and no one else. To win races.

  GS: Why NASCAR? From what I hear, you auditioned months ago. You had an offer on the table since then. You didn’t sign. Why now? What changed?

  AA: I changed. I decided that reaching for what I wanted might not be as impossible as it seemed. And I’m a thoughtful guy, I wanted to think about what I was doing before I did it.

  GS: I have to ask. Is one of the major reasons you waffled about signing with NASCAR because of recent events involving hazing and discrimination and your sexual orientation?

  AA: You mean because I’m gay?

  GS: Are you?

  AA: Yes, I am. And yeah, it factored into the decision, but not as heavily as you might think.

  GS: So you aren’t worried the same thing will happen to you that happened to Joey Gamble?

  AA: Honestly? No. I sure as hell don’t expect everyone to accept me, but the new Team Gamble is full of professionals.

  GS: Describe to me your first day at the track, the day you were introduced to everyone.

  AA: There was a big meeting. I can’t tell you everything that went down. Trade secrets you know. But I can tell you my sexuality was addressed. It’s not a secret, and everyone on the team knows. So far, it hasn’t been a problem. Everyone is cool, and those drivers know their shit. Keep an eye out for Gamble drivers this season. We’re gonna dominate.

  GS: Oh, we’re definitely watching. So you aren’t worried about your own teammates giving you a hard time, but what about the rest of NASCAR?

  AA: I can handle it. I’ve been through a lot worse.

  GS: Speaking of, there’s a lot of mystery and speculation around your past. You just implied it hasn’t always been so great. Care to elaborate?

  AA: I’ve known I’m gay since high school, maybe even before that. When I came out to my parents at the age of seventeen, I knew there would be a lot of shock, maybe even some anger. But it was a lot worse than that.

  GS: Worse how?

  AA: My father disowned me. Actually, at first, he told me to just stop, like I was a leaky faucet that just needed adjusting. When that didn’t work, he took everything away and kicked me out.

  GS: What did you do?

  AA: I went to my brother. He took me in, helped me start my life over again.

  GS: Is there something else?

  AA: I was attacked and beaten up for being gay.

  GS: That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.

  AA: It made me who I am today.

  GS: And who are you?

  AA: A guy who just wants to leave the past in the rearview and drive ahead.

  GS: Do you ever speak to your father?

  AA: No, and I’d like to keep it that way.

  GS: Do you think being the first openly gay driver in NASCAR is going to open the door, not just in racing, but all sports, to those who maybe have been afraid to be who they really are?

  AA: I hope so, but I don’t think someone should come out or reveal anything so personal unless they are absolutely ready. That isn’t something that happens overnight. And look, I might be the first openly gay driver in NASCAR, but I’m not the first in the industry. Drew Forrester and Trent Mask get more credit than me for paving the way. If it weren’t for them, I might not have had the balls to be sitting here today.

  H: Not true. You would totally be here.

  GS: How long did it take you?

  AA: I’m still working on it.

  GS: Are you currently dating or in a relationship?

  AA: Yes, I’m currently seeing someone.

  GS: Anyone we know?

  AA: Hopper, the manager for Team Gamble.

  GS: So the vibes I’m picking up aren’t all in my head.

  AA: Depends on what vibes you’re talking about.

  GS: I’m assuming everyone at Gamble knows about your relationship?

  AA: We aren’t hiding it.

  GS: How long have you and Hopper been seeing each other?

  AA: A while.

  GS: That’s very vague.

  AA: That’s very personal.

  GS: Are you in love with him?

  AA: How about we get back to racing?

  GS: I’ve been wondering… Why do you have a different last name than your brother?

  AA: Because I changed mine.

  GS: Is this also because of your father?

  AA: Yes. I don’t want anything of his, even his name.

  GS: What about your mother?

  AA: She’s very supportive of me. We have a good relationship.

  GS: Tell me the one thing you are most excited about in NASCAR?

  AA: The car of course.

  GS: I have to say I think you’re a brave man. Brave and confident for stepping into a brand-new racing team, right into the hot seat, on the tails of something that would scare away most gay men.

  AA: Like I said, I’ve been through worse. And I’m used to fear.

  GS: Okay, I have to ask. I’m curious, so I know our readers will be. Tell us something about Hopper. He’s been with Team Gamble for a while, but no one seems to know anything about him.

  AA: He drinks his coffee black.


  GS: I was hoping for something a little more… riveting. Who is Hopper, and why does he only go by one name?

  AA: Some people only need one name. Like my brother.

  GS: You’re not going to give me the goods, are you?

  AA: Not a chance.

  GS: All right. Let’s shift gears. Can you sing?

  AA: Not at all.

  GS: But you can drive.

  AA: Most definitely. Keep a close eye on the track this season. I’ll be the car that’s nothing but a blur.

  Arrow Ambrose, the new NASCAR driver who is openly gay, in a relationship with not only another man, but a fellow Gamble employee. Ron Gamble must have a very lax company dating policy.

  Or maybe he just knows real love when he sees it.

  Arrow might have sidestepped my questions like the pro he is, but energy doesn’t lie and neither do the looks I saw passing between him and his manager, Hopper.

  We at GearShark want to offer an official congratulatory welcome to Arrow for signing on with NASCAR and changing the face of pro driving potentially forever.

  Because whether he believes it or not, this guy is breaking down barriers. This might be the first we’ve seen of Arrow, but it most definitely won’t be the last.

  You won’t see him on the track, though, because as he said, he’ll be nothing but a blur.

  Good thing you have GearShark to keep you up to date on all things racing, including its newest hottest commodity.

  I almost lost someone I loved because holding on to them was sometimes even scarier that letting go.

  I’d learned something since Arrow stepped into my life.

  The difference between life and death.

  There wasn’t one, not really.

  Death was when life ceased. When something or someone you loved was permanently taken away. Part of them remained in life, though, didn’t they? In a heart, in a memory… even in something as simple as a tattoo.

  Life is death when you allow it swallow you whole. You can be dead while your heart still beats.

  Life and death were permanently intertwined.

  They weren’t separate, even when they felt that way. Death was part of life. Therefore, even gone, Matt still lived on inside me. And even though I was still alive, I lived as though I were dead.

  Until Arrow.

  Until he reached into my chest and gave my heart a squeeze.

  I didn’t know what I ever did to find real, true love, not once, but twice in my life. But I did, and because of it, I was more grateful than ever.

  I might always feel a little guilty for loving Arrow so fiercely after Matt. Deep down, I understood loving A didn’t mean I loved Matt any less.

  If anything, Matt taught me how to love so when Arrow came along, so shattered and shy, I knew how to love him back to life.

  I might not have been able to save Matt that day, but in a sense, I saved Arrow, just as Arrow saved me.

  It wouldn’t ever be easy for him and me, but nothing worthwhile ever was.

  I grabbed up the boxes and bag filled with clothes and shoes, glancing around my empty, impersonal space I’d mistakenly thought of as home far too long. I walked out of the place without a second thought, without a single glance back.

  I hefted it all quietly, barely noticing the weight, and pushed into the apartment with the giant red wall. His high-tops were scattered on the floor, my hat was in the corner, and there were pizza boxes on the counter.

  This was home.

  This was where I belonged.

  All this time I’d been saying all or nothing… Well, I think it finally clicked.

  Arrow was my all, and without him, I had absolutely nothing.

  I dumped all my shit in the half-empty dresser and scattered some stuff across the bathroom counter, smiling.

  On my way to the door, I put the three measly pair of shoes I owned in the cubbies next to Arrow’s twenty-five.

  Nothing’s ever felt so right.

  At the door, I glanced around with a grin on my face before locking up and heading out. I was already looking forward to coming home later.

  But first, I had somewhere to be.

  I hit the nail on the head.

  Fucking bull’s-eye when I called my father out. I had no idea I’d gotten as close to the truth as I had.

  Sure, I knew he wanted to use me. I knew his little trip to see his “son” wasn’t about me at all. It was about him. Everything was always about him.

  After I read that article, I knew exactly. Exactly what he was trying to avoid and exactly what I said that bothered him so much.

  What a douche.

  A class-A, award-winning douchebag.

  Frankly, my mother was lucky she got the fuck away from him. I was, too. Funny how I never really thought about my situation before as lucky, but in some aspects, I was.

  Some aspects = I got out from under my father’s giant bigoted thumb.

  He hadn’t bribed someone at GearShark to read my article early because he was just booming with fatherly pride; he was covering his bases, protecting himself.

  Everything I said about him in the interview was stricken. I never called him by name. All I ever referred to him as was “my father.” Hell, we didn’t even have the same last name.

  It didn’t matter, though. He knew what I knew.

  It wouldn’t take long for the press to figure out who my unnamed father was. I was Jace’s brother after all, and he would lead everyone’s eyes right to ol’ Sully.

  What bothered me most was he knew what he did to me was wrong. He knew the way he behaved and treated me was disgusting. He didn’t feel bad about it, not one bit. What he felt bad about was that the whole world might discover exactly who he was.

  Wait. That wasn’t what bothered me most. It was close, but something else nudged it out of the top spot. Hopper.

  What my father pulled today affected me. No matter how hard I tried and how I stood against him, inside, a part of me still caved. He fucked with my head, which took a piece of my mind off the track.

  It took a piece away from Hopper.

  I would allow nothing, and I mean nothing, to come between Hopper and me. I would allow nothing to compromise the safety net we were building between each other.

  Sullivan had to go.

  Permanently.

  And no, that didn’t mean I was plotting his murder. Geez, you guys, get your head out of the gutter.

  Besides, I wouldn’t ruin my life to take out someone as shitty as Sullivan. He wasn’t worth the sacrifice.

  Nerves bunched so densely I felt I had a rock sinking in my stomach, pushing it down and putting pressure on my intestines beneath it (yikes, that was graphic). He made me feel that way though—graphic. Shocked to the point I wanted to look away.

  It was disgusting he was my father, that his blood flowed through my veins.

  Even though I felt so violently nervous and, yeah, intimidated by him, I marched on anyway. I was doing this for Hopper. More importantly, I was doing this for me.

  I wasn’t going to live like a shadow anymore. Just when I started to step out, he showed up again to try and knock me back into place. Fuck him. This was my life, and he got no say.

  I didn’t walk away from the strip club that night years ago just to slink away and live in isolation. No. I threw his conditions, his bribes, and his money right in his face so I wouldn’t have to be someone I wasn’t.

  I hadn’t done a very good job living up to that.

  I was disappointed in myself. I felt as if I’d just woken from a very long dream, opened my eyes, and realized what my reality was.

  A quick call to Jace and I knew exactly where Sullivan was staying. I could have guessed it would be the nicest hotel in town. But calling only made it easier to find the room number. Jace was concerned. He wanted to speed over and meet me.

  I to
ld him no.

  This was something I had to do on my own. Sullivan was going to see I could stand tall on my own two feet, and I didn’t need anyone to back me up because I was strong enough.

  I took the elevator up to the penthouse (cue eyeroll). The entire way, I stared at myself in the mirrored doors. I was dressed in a pair of faded, ripped jeans and a hoodie Hopper left at my place a few days ago. It smelled like him, something I really loved, and at the risk of sounding corny, whenever I wore it, I felt he was wrapped around me no matter where I was.

  I had on bright-red high-tops because my father hated ripped-up jeans and “clunky” shoes. My hair was a little wild because I’d just spent hours in bed with Hopp.

  Just thinking about it made my dick stir. I was ready to go again. I was gonna keep that guy up all night long.

  The elevator slid to a stop. Before the doors opened, I ran my hand through my hair nervously, trying to tame its messy style.

  “Fuck it,” I said, striding out into the small hallway and beating confidently on the door.

  A few seconds went by, and I pictured my father peering through the peephole at me. I thought about covering it up just to be a dick, but in the end, I just stood there and waited.

  “Arrow?” he said when the door was open.

  “I’m here to talk,” I announced. Without waiting, I slammed my hand on the door and pushed it open to stride into his suite.

  There was a wall of windows overlooking the landscape. It was nearly dark, but not quite. It was probably a hella nice view when all the lights were on outside. But I wasn’t here to enjoy the view.

  I spun around, pinning him with a stare. “You’re leaving.”

  He made a sound like he was weary of my tantrum and went over to the wet bar for a drink. The action made me sneer. So did the fact that he was dressed in pajamas that made him look like Hugh Hefner.

  “You’ve already made it clear you want me to leave.”

  “I’m not talking about just tonight. I mean forever. This is the last time we will ever see each other.”

  He paused, halfway lifting the glass to his mouth. “That seems a little extreme considering you are my son.”

  “I’m not. You gave up that right the day you disowned me. No. You gave up that right long before that. Lorhaven has been more of a father to me than you ever have.”