by Sandy Taylor
‘So you understand.’
I walked across to the bed. ‘Of course I understand, but look at it, Eddie, just look at it. It’s just a chair that happens to have four wheels but those four wheels can take you out of here. There can be more to your life than these four walls. You can feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. You created something beautiful and it’s going to die without you there. That chair that you hate so much can carry you back to the garden.’
‘But what use would I be there?’
‘You could teach your aunt or Finn what you’ve taught me, and between us we could bring the garden back to life.’
Eddie looked across the room at the chair. There were tears in his eyes. ‘What would I do without you, Nora?’
‘You will never be without me, Eddie,’ I said. ‘Never.’
Forty-Five
We spent every day in the garden, until the late autumn sun sank behind the tall trees and the days became shorter. Under Eddie’s guidance, Finn and I cleared the weeds and brambles that had been allowed to wander at will. We pulled at the bindweed that was choking the roses. We dug the soft soil and planted spring bulbs, before the ground got too hard and waterlogged. Crocuses and narcissi, tulips and snowdrops, hyacinths and winter pansies. Corny had given us a rake and Finn cleared the fallen leaves from the top of the pond. Mrs Dinny provided us with enough food to feed an army, and even Caroline would come to check on our progress. Finn came as often as he could, but as he was now the town’s doctor, it was often just me and Eddie, and I cherished the time we spent together.
Caroline always wrapped Eddie in a blanket – she worried about him all the time but I could see the change in him. The colour was coming back into his cheeks and there was a brightness in his eyes that I hadn’t seen for a long time. He had something to live for now, he had hope.
Joe’s letters had become fewer and fewer and I wasn’t surprised, because I’d hardly answered any of his, but one morning there was a letter for me on the hall table. I didn’t open it immediately, because I wasn’t sure that I wanted to read what he’d written.
The day was cold and grey, much too cold for Eddie to go outside, and anyway, he had the start of a cold and a bit of a cough, so I read to him instead. We were both enjoying the books by Charles Dickens and were halfway through Little Dorrit. The whole time I was reading, I was aware of Joe’s letter in my pocket.
‘What’s wrong?’ said Eddie.
‘There’s nothing wrong,’ I said.
‘Yes, there is,’ he said. ‘I know you, Nora Doyle. I know you just as well as the books you read to me.’
I sighed. ‘I’ve had a letter from Joe.’
‘And it’s upset you?’
‘I haven’t opened it,’ I said.
‘What are you scared of?’
I closed the book and put it on the table beside Eddie’s bed. ‘I’m scared that he is going to ask me questions I can’t answer.’
‘I imagine he wants to know when you are going to go back to Dublin?’
I nodded.
‘And when are you going back, Nora? You must have thought about it.’
‘I don’t want to leave you and it’s been so long since I saw Joe, I don’t know if I still love him.’
‘You said to me that there is more to life than these four walls, but doesn’t the same apply to you? Don’t you want to get on with your life?’
‘I am getting on with my life. I’m happy here, I’m happy being with you. I don’t feel as if I’m losing out on anything. I’m not here out of some kind of duty, I’m here because I want to be here.’
Eddie smiled at me. ‘Then you are very easily satisfied, Nora Doyle.’
I smiled back. ‘You are right, Edward Bretton, I am. Do you want me to keep reading?’ I asked.
Eddie shook his head. ‘I’m tired. I think I’ll have a sleep.’
I needed some air, so I got my coat and went outside. It was very windy, so I went around the side of the house where it was more sheltered. I sat on a stone bench and took the letter out of my pocket. I felt anxious and a bit sick as I opened the envelope and took out the letter. The thin paper fluttered in the wind as I started to read Joe’s familiar writing.
Dearest Nora,
I’ve started this letter so many times and torn it up but I need to say this to you.
I know that right now your place is with your brother, I understand that, of course I do, but I need to know if your feelings towards me have changed. If you still love me the way I love you, then I will continue to wait for you to come back, however long it takes. But if your feelings have changed, then I need to know. It’s not that I want to look for someone else, it’s not that. I have never loved anyone the way I love you, Nora, and I thought that we had a future together. You may not be telling me the truth because you don’t want to hurt me, but not knowing is hurting even more.
Please think about what I have said, and just tell me the truth.
With all my love, always.
Joe xxx
I folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. I didn’t know what to do, or what I could say to him. I had tried so many times to imagine what it was like to be loved by Joe and to love him in return, but I just couldn’t make it real, I just couldn’t bring those feelings back – they just weren’t there anymore. I’d even tried to imagine what life would be like without him if I never saw him again, but even that didn’t seem to touch my heart. I needed to talk to someone, I needed to go home. I left a note on the hall table to let Caroline know that Eddie was sleeping and I needed to go home for the afternoon.
The wind coming off the sea was fierce as I walked along the Strand and as I neared the town it started to rain. I hurried past the shops and houses and by the time I got to Paradise Alley, I was soaked and shivering from the cold.
Mammy was in the kitchen when I finally got home. She helped me off with my coat and hung it in front of the fire, then she got a towel and started drying my hair. ‘Jesus, child, what are you doing out on a day like this? You’ll catch your death! Sit by the fire and I’ll get you a nice sup of hot tea.’
‘Thank you, Mammy.’
I held my hands out towards the flame and rubbed them together, while Mammy made the tea.
‘Something’s troubling you, Nora.’
‘It’s Joe,’ I said, sitting down.
‘Ah,’ she said, spooning sugar into my cup.
I took the letter out of my pocket and pushed it towards her. I drank my tea and waited for her to finish reading.
‘I don’t know what to say to him,’ I said.
‘The truth, Nora – that’s what he wants to know and it’s what he deserves to know.’
‘But I don’t know what the truth is, Mammy, because I don’t know how I feel about him anymore.’
‘Then that is what you must tell him.’
‘But he won’t understand, I don’t understand myself.’
‘Nora, I nearly lost your daddy because I couldn’t tell him what was in my heart. I was as confused as you are now and when I did realise that I loved him, I didn’t trust him enough to tell him about you, so I ran away. I don’t know your Joe, but from what you have told me and from reading this letter, I would say that he is a good man and an understanding man. What I have learned in this life, Nora, is that if truth and kindness are part of everything you say and do, you won’t go far wrong.’
‘But what if he says he can’t wait for me to make up my mind?’
‘Then you will either accept it, or realise what you have lost and run back to Dublin as fast as you can.’
I trusted my mammy; she was one of the wisest people I knew. ‘I’ll write to him,’ I said. ‘And I will tell him the truth.’
Forty-Six
The next afternoon I wrote to Joe. I didn’t know whether telling him the truth was going to satisfy him, but I knew that I had to try and make him understand. Joe had started his letter with ‘Dearest Nora’, but I was afraid that if
I started with ‘Dearest’, it might give him false hope, so I began to write.
Dear Joe,
Thank you for your letter. You have asked me to tell you the truth and that is what I will try to do.
My time in Dublin and my time with you feels like another world, and as the days go on, I am finding it more difficult to bring to mind what we had. You ask if my feelings towards you have changed and it’s not an easy question to answer. I think maybe it’s my life that has changed. As you know, I live at Bretton Hall now as a companion to my brother Eddie. I know that you need me, Joe, but right now, Eddie needs me more.
Mammy says if I tell you that I don’t love you anymore, I would lose you and then regret it and I believe that could be true. I think of our time together and I know how much I cared for you and wanted to be with you. I don’t know if you can just stop loving someone, but what I think I know is that life can change, and mine has changed. But that doesn’t mean that my feelings for you have changed, I just don’t know. Am I being selfish by asking you to wait? I think that perhaps I am.
The truth isn’t easy, is it? Especially when I’m not sure what the truth is, but this is my truth as I know it.
I don’t want to lose you, Joe, but this is where I have to be and I don’t know if, or even when, I will ever return to Dublin.
Love
Nora x
I folded the letter and put it in an envelope. Eddie still had a cough and was resting, so I decided to walk into town and post it before I had time to change my mind. I had no idea what Joe’s reaction would be when he read it but I had told the truth, just like Mammy said I should, and I was prepared to live with the consequences.
Before posting the letter, I decided to visit my namesake. There had been many times in my life when I found myself pouring things out to her that I hadn’t been able to tell anyone else and I had always walked away feeling calmer and at peace. I climbed the hill to the workhouse and walked up to the graveyard. Autumn had given way to winter; the trees were bare of the beautiful leaves and the rows of crosses looked as bleak and forbidding as the grey sky above them. I pulled my coat tighter around me and plunged my cold hands deep into the pockets.
Nora Foley’s grave was at the top of the slope under a tree. At any other time of the year it would have looked peaceful but today, it just made me feel sad. Nora had only been fourteen years old when she died. She had never known a life outside that great stone building that loomed over the graveyard. She had never fallen in love, or known the feeling of holding her own child in her arms. Mammy said that Holy God in his love and wisdom had taken her up to Heaven, because she had never been strong enough for this world and he wanted to take care of her. I wasn’t sure I believed that, because if he loved her that much, why did he make her weak in the first place? Now I would have to go to confession for questioning the ways of the Lord.
I didn’t want to lose my faith, but I found myself questioning things that I had never questioned before. Mammy would probably say it was all my book learning but I think it was being with Eddie, who made me see things in a different light.
I knelt down in front of Nora’s grave. The ground was damp and cold. I pulled away the weeds that had almost covered her name. Mrs Foley used to keep the little grave neat and tidy but she couldn’t do that anymore on account of her health. I promised myself that I would visit more often and tend to the grave myself.
‘Am I doing the right thing, Nora?’ I said softly. ‘Am I going to lose Joe because of Eddie? Am I being mad altogether? I am at an age you didn’t even reach. Shouldn’t I be dancing with Joe under the twinkling lights, and walking home together hand in hand and being held in his arms? Shouldn’t I be working in the bookshop that had always been my dream and having fun with the girls? Shouldn’t there be more to my life than sitting beside Eddie every day? And yet there is something holding me there that is stronger than all those things. Maybe it is love, a different kind of love that I can’t walk away from. I promised Eddie that I would never leave him; I never gave Joe that promise.’
I sat for a while longer, until drops of icy rain fell onto the grave. ‘I’ll come again, Nora,’ I said, and walked away back down the hill and posted the letter.
When I got back to Bretton Hall, Caroline met me in the hallway. It looked as if she had been crying.
My stomach clenched with dread. ‘Is it Eddie?’ I said.
Caroline nodded. ‘Finn is with him.’
I opened the bedroom door and looked across the room. Eddie’s eyes were closed and he was pale, but there were beads of sweat on his forehead. The sheets had been pulled back and Eddie’s chest was bare. Finn was sitting beside him, holding his hand, and a nurse was bathing Eddie’s body.
‘What’s wrong with him, Finn?’ I said.
‘He has a severe chest infection; we are trying to get his temperature down.’
‘But he’ll be alright, won’t he?’
‘We’ll know in the next twenty-four hours, Nora.’
The nurse left and I sat next to the bed opposite Finn. I stroked Eddie’s hand, tears rolling down my cheeks. Finn came around the bed, he held my hand and wiped the tears from my face. ‘You have to get better, Eddie,’ I whispered. ‘Spring will come soon and you have to see the flowers we planted. Remember the garden in the spring? Remember how beautiful it is? You have to be strong, Eddie, you have to live.’
Me, Finn, and Caroline stayed with Eddie all night, taking it in turns to sleep. I watched his chest rise and fall, each breath a struggle. I watched him fighting to live. As the dawn sent shafts of thin wintry sun into the room, Eddie opened his eyes. Caroline was asleep in a chair; I walked across the room and gently touched her arm. She woke immediately and clutched my arm.
‘He’s awake, Caroline,’ I said.
She was at his side in an instant, smoothing his damp hair away from his forehead.
‘Have you come back to us, my darling boy?’ she said.
Eddie didn’t answer, but he smiled and fell back into a peaceful sleep. I looked at Finn, who nodded. The three of us stood beside the bed with our arms around each other. Caroline and I were crying tears of joy and relief; Caroline stepped away first and tucked the sheets around Eddie lovingly. Finn and I stayed where we were and I was aware of him being so close. I closed my eyes and laid my head against his chest and in that moment, I never wanted to let him go. I knew that I had made the right decision in staying.
Forty-Seven
Eddie’s recovery was long and worrying and I realised for the first time what a tenuous hold he had on life. I wanted to stay beside him every minute I could, even when he slept, which was more and more often.
One day, as I was reading to him, Caroline came into the room.
‘Tell Nora she needs to get some air, she won’t listen to me,’ said Eddie.
‘Well, if you can’t persuade her, I’m sure I can’t,’ said Caroline.
‘I’m feeling tired,’ said Eddie, ‘Go for a walk, the pair of you.’
‘And is that an order, Master Bretton?’ I asked.
‘It is,’ said Eddie, grinning.
‘Well, Nora,’ said Caroline, ‘we have our orders, so we’d better do as we’re told. The master has spoken.’
We got our coats and went outside. ‘Let’s go down to the beach,’ said Caroline.
We walked down the lawn and took the little path that led us to the shore. The day was chilly but there was a thin wintry sun filtering through the clouds that made walking along the shore pleasant. It was strange to be in this spot with Caroline though, instead of Kitty.
The water was calm and still, little waves gently tipping the shore.
I wanted to ask her something but I didn’t know if I should – I didn’t know if it was my place to ask. I took a deep breath. ‘You never married,’ I started.
Caroline smiled. ‘I was engaged once, but I realised that he wasn’t the right man for me.’
‘Was he not kind?’
‘It h
ad nothing to do with kindness, Nora. It was Edward.’
‘Edward?’
‘I imagine that you know his mother died giving birth to him?’
I nodded.
‘I’m not saying that my brother never loved the child, he was just never there for him. In fact, he spent so much time travelling that the two were like strangers, and so I became as much a mother to Edward as if I’d given birth to him myself.’
‘And what about the feller?’
‘Victor was jealous of the time I spent with the baby, and so we parted. I knew then that no man was ever going to be more important to me than Edward, and I haven’t regretted it for a minute.’
‘Do you not get lonely?’
‘I happen to like my own company, and I have Edward.’
I smiled. ‘I’m glad you have him.’
* * *
Finn Casey came to the Hall as often as he could and we worked together side by side, enjoying the crisp cold air and each other’s company. Sometimes I would look up from some task and see him looking at me and I’d smile at him.
I found myself looking forward to his visits, perhaps more than I should. I took more trouble with my appearance, I spent longer deciding what I was going to wear, I wanted to look nice for him. What was I thinking? Finn wasn’t going to see me as anything other than a friend, why should he? He was a doctor and I was just… well, I was just Nora Doyle from Paradise Alley, and besides all that, I had Joe, who loved me and was sweet and kind and deserved better than me daydreaming about Finn.
One day, when I knew he was coming, I decided to visit Kitty. It was a kind of test – I wondered if he would miss me as much as I knew I would miss him. I hurried along the Strand towards Minnie’s and was glad to get inside out of the wind. There was only one table occupied, right beside the roaring fire. Kitty was standing behind the counter, cleaning the glass case that held the cakes and pies. I walked across to her.
